Tainted

A few weeks went by. Regulus continued to sit with Sirius in his room every evening until they fell asleep, huddled up under blankets, sharing a bed like little kids. Sirius found it easier to sleep when his brother was at his side. Regulus’ silent presence made him feel safer, like nothing could hurt them as long as they were together. Like it was them against the world, just like when they were little.

The shadows under Sirius’ eyes had faded slightly and he began to feel more like himself. A pathetic, sad version of himself, but he’ll take what he can get. He was still plagued with guilt for betraying his best friend, Remus. His Moony. His love. His everything.
And he was still disgusted by the blood that ran through his veins, but that same blood also ran through Regulus’ and every time he reminded himself of that he hated it a little less.

Sirius didn’t fight with his mother and father when they said stupid shit because he was simply tired of fighting. He knew it made his mother happy and he hated that fact more than anything. But still, he bit his tongue. Until one evening.

“Me and your father have arranged for you to move dorms when you return to hogwarts” Walburga stated. They were halfway through dinner, which was usually a quiet affair as none of them really cared or even knew how to interact with each other. Sirius looked up from his plate in surprise. His mother continued eating as if she hadn’t spoken.

“What? Why?” He asked. His mother looked up at him and smiled. Sirius was always unnerved by his mother’s smile, it looked so forced and almost inhuman.

“We just want what’s best for you darling, those friends of yours were disgusting people and I’m so proud of you for cutting them out of your life” his mother replied. Sirius knew he wasn’t friends with them anymore and it was probably for the best if he moved dorms, but he was annoyed that his mother seemed to assume it was because he now agreed with his families values.

“Who said I’m not friends with them anymore?” Sirius asked, now offended. He might not fight with his parents about their repulsive views anymore but that doesn’t mean they get to call his friends ‘disgusting people’. His mother continued smiling unnaturally at him as she spoke.

“Regulus told us how you’ve been distant with them lately and you haven’t received any mail since coming home” Walburga explained. Sirius looked over at Regulus, feeling betrayed. How much of his life had Regulus reported back to their mother? Regulus looked down at his food sheepishly.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of darling. It’s natural for teenagers to go through a rebellious phase and I’m just glad that you’ve finally come to your senses. The potters are a disgrace to the wizarding world and I can’t even begin to imagine what vile ideologies they’ve filled your head with. I despise them for taking advantage of such a naive, young boy like you and brainwashing you with their balderdash.” Walburga said. Sirius felt his blood boil. Regulus sunk back slightly into his chair, knowing what was about to happen.

“The potters are good people” Sirius said, his voice was low and threatening. Clear resentment and anger was written all over his face. Walburga looked up from her meal at her son, her mood suddenly shifting.

“You are the vile ones, I do not and will never agree with you and your vulgar ideologies, you heartless, disgusting, rotten BITCH” Sirius shouted, slamming his knife and fork down on the table. A dark look spread across Walburga’s face. Sirius glared back at her, refusing to back down. He had had a go at his parents before but he had never been quite so direct. His father finally looked up from his dinner at Sirius’ outburst. There was a long moment of silence. Sirius and his mother just glared at each other.

Sirius had surprised himself with his outburst and immediately realised he had fucked up as soon as his mother looked at him. The look on her face terrified him but he refused to let it show.

“I thought you had changed?” Walburga said. Sirius could hear his heart beating in his chest and he took a shaky breath, trying to steady his nerves.

“No” Sirius replied.

Silence.

Without warning Walburga suddenly stood up, knocking her chair over in the process, and marched over to where Sirius was sat. Without giving Sirius any time to defend himself, she grabbed his hair painfully tight, her nails digging into his skull, and began dragging him out of his seat. Sirius yelled out in pain but she ignored him, continuing to walk purposefully out of the dining room, dragging him behind her. She was walking too fast for Sirius to catch up so his entire weight was being held from where his mother gripped his hair. His feet kicked uselessly as he tried desperately to stand up.

Walburga suddenly dropped her son down carelessly on the floor of the study. Sirius crumpled onto the ground pathetically, clutching the top of his head where his mother had held him. Walburga gave him no time to recover as she immediately grabbed her wand from the desk and aimed it at him.

“CRUCIO” a blood curdling scream echoed through the cold empty house. Sirius writhed in pain on the floor. Walburga watched.

“REGULUS” she shouted, suddenly stopping the curse and beginning to pace back and forth in the room. Her breathing had picked up out of sheer anger and rage.
“REGULUS GET IN HERE” she repeated, sounding more unhinged. Sirius laid on the floor, breathing heavily and shaking.

Regulus stepped into the room. He looked at his brother, trying not to show any emotion. As soon as Walburga saw him she began marching towards him, a dark, dangerous look on her face. Regulus was petrified. He couldn’t move as he watched his mother charge towards him.

Walburga grabbed Regulus’ face harshly and slammed his head against the wall.

“YOU SAID HE HAD CHANGED” she screamed at him, her face was only inches away from his. Regulus tightly shut his eyes and flinched violently at the sound.

“YOU USELESS CHILD. HE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE, HE IS A DISGRACE TO THIS FAMILY” Walburga slammed Regulus’ head against the wall again before letting go. Regulus leaned onto the wall for support so that he wouldn’t fall over, his head was spinning from how hard his mother had bashed it on the wall. Walburga paced back and forth again, looking at Sirius with disgust.

“DO YOU HEAR ME? A DISGRACE” she waved her wand again and Sirius felt a familiar wave of unbearable pain tare through him. He screamed. Regulus looked away, his hands were shaking and his heart was going a million miles an hour.

“YOU ARE NOT MY SON, YOU HAVE NO PLACE HERE” she screamed over Sirius’ cries. Her voice was raw and scratchy. She sounded hysterical. “YOU FILTHY FUCKING BLOOD TRAITOR” her breath was ragged and her eyes were wild. She stopped and Sirius sunk into the floor again.

Walburga suddenly snapped her head to look at Regulus.

“Your turn” she spat at him. Regulus’ stomach dropped.

“What?” Regulus said. His voice was shaky and small.

“He is no longer your brother. He is a filthy blood traitor” she said as she walked up to him, pulling Regulus’ wand out of his pocket and shoving it into his hands. “Do it”

Regulus looked between his mother’s cold glare and his older brother, who was still crumpled on the floor, shaking and gasping for air.

“You are to be the next heir Regulus” Walburga said, raising her voice. “DO IT” Regulus flinched again when she shouted.

“DO IT, DO IT, DO IT,” his mother screamed repeatedly like a toddler throwing a tantrum. “DO IT, DO IT” Regulus’ head spun and he felt sick “DO IT, DO IT” his hands were shaking and he began hyperventilating. “DO IT” the walls felt like they were closing in on him. “DO IT”

“CRUCIO” Regulus pointed his wand at Sirius.

Sirius screamed again. The sound echoed around in Regulus’ head. He didn’t feel like he was in control. He felt like he had been lifted out of his body and was watching himself hurt Sirius. He distantly registered the sound of his mother laughing hysterically. He didn’t know how long he watched Sirius thrashing around on the floor. It felt like hours.

When he stopped his ears were ringing loudly.. He stared at Sirius with wide glossy eyes. He was trying desperately not to let any tears fall. He couldn’t move. He stood completely frozen just staring uselessly at his older brother. His body felt numb.

Sirius looked up at Regulus. Sirius looked at Regulus like how he looked at their mother, except the deep hurt and shock reflected in his eyes was new. He looked between Regulus’ face and the wand still pointed at him from Regulus’ shaking hand. Regulus knew he should lower his wand but he couldn’t move his arm.

Walburga had stopped laughing like some deranged mental patient and was now smiling brightly at Regulus. The look of pride on her face made Regulus feel nauseous. She walked up to him and lowered his hand for him. She cupped his face in her hands lovingly. Regulus barely registered what was going on around him. His eyes were blurry with unshed tears, his breath shaky and his ears were still ringing. He couldn’t hear a word his mother was saying, he only stared at her wide eyed as she spoke. It sounded like they were under water. Walburga leaned forward and kissed the top of Regulus’ head gently. She then let go of him and walked out of the room calmly.

Regulus looked back down at where Sirius lay, but he was gone. Regulus continued to stand in the same spot for hours. He stayed there till after everyone had gone to bed and it was pitch black outside, listening to the ringing in his ears and the sound of his shaky breathing. He was frozen in shock. Shock at what he had done. The look on Sirius’ face embedded in his mind. He had seen that look before but had never thought that he would be on the receiving end of it.

Regulus wasn’t strong like Sirius. He wasn’t strong enough to stand up against their mother. He wasn’t strong enough to fight the poison that ran through his veins. Sirius hated their mother and Regulus could understand, but his emotions were not so simple. Regulus hated his mother’s actions and her harsh words but he couldn’t bring himself to hate her. She didn’t love him. He knew that. But he still desperately clung onto the idea of her. To the concept of what mothers are supposed to be. He craved a mother’s love and he thought that maybe he could earn it if he was good enough for her.
Deep down he knew he could never be good enough and he hated himself for trying.

The difference between Regulus and Sirius’ relationship with their mother was that, while Sirius deflected his mother’s hate back at her, Regulus took it all in. He consumed all the hate his mother gave him. It built up inside him until he agreed with everything she said. Until the voice in his head telling him everything wrong with himself was no longer his mother’s, but his own.

So Regulus did what his mother asked of him. He told her what was going on in Sirius’ life at hogwarts and told her that he had changed because that is what she wanted to hear. He was his mothers son and her blood poisoned his veins, and it that moment, he hated himself for it.