Tainted

Sirius lost all concept of time. He had no idea how long he had been back at Grimmauld Place. He had been on autopilot ever since returning. Sleep, eat, shower, repeat. He didn’t feel fully present most of the time, it was like someone else was controlling his body and he was just going along with it. He spent most of his time just lying in bed and staring at the ceiling.

He had adopted Regulus’ technique of invisibility. He didn’t speak unless spoken to, he never asked for anything and he only left his room at meal times.

His mother was very happy about his sudden change in behaviour. He was turning out to be the ‘perfect heir’ after all. He had spent his entire life fighting it and he just didn’t have anymore fight left in him.

Regulus noticed Sirius’ sudden change back at hogwarts. How he suddenly stopped sitting with his friends at lunch and never went to quidditch matches anymore. He could see the dark shadows under Sirius’ eyes and how his clothes hung more loosely around his skinny frame. Regulus had assumed that Sirius and his stupid friends were just having some kind of silly argument. But when they arrived back at Grimmauld place, Regulus realised it wasn’t so simple.

Sirius was the loud one, the one that attracted attention while Regulus hid behind him. Regulus would never admit it but he had always been grateful to Sirius for that. He always felt safe in the shadow of his older brother, because the attention Sirius received was almost never desirable. However he always wondered why Sirius continued to be so outgoing and rebellious. Why he always had to defy their mother even when he knew the consequences.

Regulus wanted his brother to stop rebelling so that he wouldn’t have to face Walburga’s wrath anymore, so that he could stop suffering. But this was definitely not what he wanted. It seemed Sirius had not only given up the rebellion but he had given up on everything else too. Regulus knew his brother better than anyone but the person who came home with him was not his brother. This person was quiet and sad and empty and they had given up. Sirius would never give up, that always was his downfall.
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After dinner one evening Regulus decided to just ask Sirius what had shaken him so badly. It was what normal siblings did right? Check in on each other when one was feeling down.

“What happened to you?” Regulus asked quietly, standing at the door to Sirius’ room with his arms crossed. He sounded genuinely curious.

Sirius looked over from where he lay on his bed. “What?” He said while slowly pushing himself to sit upright.

“What happened to you?” Regulus repeated. Sirius looked back at him blankly. “You’re different” Regulus stated simply. Sirius opened his mouth and closed it again. He couldn’t tell Regulus about the prank, not that he wanted to talk about it anyway.

He knew he wasn’t acting normal and he knew everyone had noticed, but no one had actually asked him why before. He didn’t expect anyone to, especially not Regulus. Sirius couldn’t remember the last time he had actually had a proper conversation with Regulus. They weren’t like that. They were more like strangers living under the same roof. They knew each other better than anyone and yet they knew nothing at all. They were witnesses to each other’s pain. They shared the same scars but healed in different ways.

“I don’t know” Sirius replied quietly. Regulus looked at him with an unreadable expression on his face. “I’m just tired” Sirius said. A thick silence filled the room. Both boys just looked at each other. This was always how it seemed to be between them, so much to say but nothing ever said. It was like they were underwater on two separate sides of a swimming pool, mouths moving but neither can understand what the other is trying to say.

“I miss you” Regulus broke the silence. His voice only just above a whisper. He looked at Sirius with a slightly desperate expression, waiting for him to respond. It was weird, missing something that was never really there in the first place. But he did. He missed his older brother.

“I’m sorry” Sirius replied. He could feel himself sinking and he didn’t know how to stop it. Usually he and Regulus would be drowning together. Gasping for air and clutching onto each other for dear life. But this was something he had to fight alone, he didn’t have the comfort of knowing someone else was drowning with him this time. Instead Regulus was standing over him, telling him to swim, but Sirius couldn’t remember how.

Regulus sighed “We aren’t very good at this” he commented. Sirius chuckled, smiling sadly at his brother.

“No we aren’t” Sirius agreed.

Wordlessly, Regulus walked into Sirius’ room, closing the door behind him. Sirius watched as his little brother knelt down and grabbed a couple of blankets from under Sirius’ bed and threw them at him. Regulus stood back up and grabbed some books from Sirius’ book shelf. He tried to pick out the ones he knew Sirius liked and then went to sit with him on the bed. Regulus placed the books between them and grabbed one of the blankets from his brother, wrapping himself up in it and sitting cross legged at the end of the bed.

After a second of just watching his little brother, Sirius did the same, wrapping himself up tightly in a blanket and leaning back against the head of the bed. They used to do this when they were kids, wrap themselves up in blankets and just sit in each other’s presence for hours doing their own separate activities. They rarely spoke and to other's it would probably seem like the bare minimum in a sibling relationship, but for them it was enough. It brought them both comfort, which was a rare thing in the Black household.

Regulus wasn’t going to let Sirius suffer by himself. It was small but it meant world to Sirius. More than Regulus would ever know.

“Thank you” Sirius said, his voice breaking slightly.

They both grabbed a book and started reading. Regulus hadn’t realised how much time had passed till he looked up to see Sirius curled up and lying on his side, fast asleep. He looked so peaceful.

Regulus wondered what happened to his big brother that was so terrible that it had broken him like this. Regulus had watched as their mother tortured Sirius. He watched as Sirius writhed in pain on the floor, screaming and begging for her to stop. And he watched as Sirius got right back up again and again and continued to defy and argue with her. He even took joy in annoying her, despite the consequences. Regulus used to think Sirius was the strongest person in the world. Stupid maybe, but still strong. Whatever had happened to Sirius had shattered him completely.

Regulus continued to read until he fell asleep next to Sirius on the bed.