Tainted

It had been a month since the prank. James still looked disgusted by the sight of him, Peter looked at him with pity, and Remus wouldn’t even look at him at all. Sirius didn’t try asking for forgiveness anymore, he knew he didn’t deserve it. Most of his time was spent wallowing in his own self pity instead. He’d given up completely. He spent his nights crying pathetically into his pillow or wondering aimlessly around the school when the nightmares were really bad. He reminisced over the times when he and Remus would both seek comfort in each other’s beds. The memories made him feel loved and sick to his stomach all at once.

He didn’t focus anymore in class and his grades dropped drastically. In his free time, he was up on the astronomy tower, chain smoking cigarettes and drinking whatever leftover fire whiskey he could get ahold of. He could sit with Regulus at lunch but he didn’t want to be around people. He didn’t want to do anything but cry all the time. He felt like everything good and happy had been sucked out of him and all that was left was just a blob of sadness.

The world drained Sirius of everything he had and he has nothing left to give anymore.

Summer break started tomorrow and Sirius had arranged to go back to ‘home’. He wasn’t welcome at the Potters, as James had made clear.
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“You can’t come to my house over summer break” James had said to Sirius one evening. It was only the two of them in the dorm room, James had quickly popped back to the room to grab a book he had forgotten when studying with Peter and Remus at the library. He had been meaning to speak to Sirius for a while but hadn’t found the right time.

James didn’t meet Sirius’ eyes as Sirius looked up at him from where he sat on his bed. Sirius’ stomach dropped. He hadn’t even thought about that. He suddenly felt a familiar feeling of fear settle in him. He opened his mouth to speak but was cut off.

“I don’t want you there” James said, still not looking at Sirius. Sirius looked down, tears forming in his eyes. An awkward silence filled the room as both boys refused to look at each other. Sirius wondered whether James would let him stay if he knew the truth about his life at Grimmauld place. He had never told anyone about his mother’s punishments. Whenever he had stayed at the Potters he had always made up some other excuse. Maybe if James knew the truth he might take pity on him and take him back.

“Ok” Sirius replied. His voice was so weak and quiet, James could barely hear him. James went to walk out of the room, going back to join Peter and Remus, but stopped in the doorway. He looked back at Sirius, taking in his dishevelled appearance as he sat crossed legged on his bed, looking down at his hands. His hair was a mess, he constantly had dark shadows under his eyes and his clothes hung off him loosely. James considered saying something, just to reassure Sirius that they didn’t hate him, but they just needed time. But he didn’t. He walked out of the room, leaving Sirius alone in the empty dorm.

The words left unsaid by both boys would later haunt them.
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Sirius was currently packing. There was an end of year party in the common room, everyone was there. Sirius took the opportunity to pack while Remus, James and Peter were out. He often tried his best to make himself invisible when he was in the dorm room with the others. He usually just sat on his bed with the curtains closed, he also waited till after everyone else was asleep to use the bathroom so that he could shower. He noticed all of them tended to avoid being in their shared dorm room a lot these days so that they don’t accidentally bump into each other.
Sirius hated it. He thought everything would be so much easier if he just disappeared. He thought everyone else might agree.

He could hear music and laughter echo up to his room from the party below. The room was dark and cold but he didn’t have it in him to turn on the light. He wondered if Remus was having fun as he finished packing and laid down in his bed. He curled up into a ball underneath the covers even though he was still wearing his school clothes. He distantly registered the tears flowing down his face and his shaking hands.

Sirius wanted to go up to the astronomy tower, where the sound of music and chatter couldn’t torment him, and where he could cry freely and smoke until his lungs hurt. But he couldn’t move. He stayed curled up on his bed, crying silently, hugging his shaking form, unable to sleep as he listened to everyone have fun. He stared into the darkness and thought about all the horrible and cruel punishments he would receive from his mother upon his return to Grimmauld place.

Sirius didn’t move when he heard James, Remus and Peter stumble into the room, laughing and holding onto one another. They had all clearly been drinking and were more careless about whether Sirius was listening to them or not as they began to discuss the party’s events loudly while getting ready to go to bed. He forgot how beautiful Remus’ laugh was and his heart physically hurt when hearing it. His gut twisted as he reminded himself that it was his fault Remus hadn’t laughed in so long.

Sirius didn’t move, even if he wanted to he felt stuck. He felt as if he was lying in thick cement and it took all his energy to not sink. He continued to stare at the wall as the world seemed to get further and further away, like he was under water. This feeling had happened before, sometimes when his mother’s punishments were particularly brutal or after he received a nasty letter from his father. He liked the feeling, he felt so far away from everything. Like he was being lifted out of his body and drifting away from everything he was trying so hard to escape.

Sirius didn’t sleep that night. The next morning he waited for the rest of the marauders to leave before he forced himself out of bed. He didn’t need to get changed as he was still wearing his school clothes from yesterday. He didn’t have breakfast. He probably would’ve thrown it up anyway. He waited till the last possible moment to leave the room.

Sirius sat next to Regulus on the train. He felt a sense of pride as he watched his little brother talk and joke with his friends. Regulus was always so reserved and quiet, Sirius sometimes worried whether he would be able to make friends at Hogwarts. Sirius of course always knew how secretly caring and funny his brother actually was and he was happy that other people could see that too now.

Sirius was just glad to see Regulus talking and smiling because it was so rare back ‘home’. Regulus always did his best to go unnoticed, hiding in the corner of the room at family events and never speaking unless spoken to. Sirius took the opposite approach and he paid for it. Regulus had always been smarter than he was after all.

When they arrived, Kreacher was waiting at the train station for them. They didn’t greet each other as Kreacher took their bags, just shared looks of misery and exhaustion. Sirius noticed Regulus’ character shift just before they apparated, his posture was suddenly more upright and his facial expression hardened. Sirius wondered why Regulus put in so much effort to be the ‘perfect son’ to such cruel people. However he didn’t have long to question Regulus’ behaviour before they were back at Grimmauld place, standing in front of their parents.

His mother had a twisted, unnatural smile on her face as she stared at them unblinking. His father had a look of importance and seriousness about him, kind of like what Regulus was trying to imitate. Sirius knew he probably looked like shit, he hadn’t even changed his clothes since yesterday, but he was going to get punished either way so what was the point? Sirius’ lifeless eyes stared back at his mother’s.

“I’m so happy you’re home my darling” Walburga said in a sickly sweet voice and Sirius stared at her in shock.

“We were worried your mud-blood friends had confused you, filling your head with their repulsive views and disgusting behaviour” Walburga explained. “I’m so proud of you for finding your way back to us” Sirius looked at her stunned. He was expecting to be crucioed the second he stepped foot in this house but somehow being welcomed back was so much worse.

“No” was all Sirius said back, his voice wavering and small. Walburga ignored him completely.

“You boys go unpack. Dinner starts at 7” Walburga stated. Regulus picked up his bag obediently and made his way upstairs, Sirius followed quietly.

Sirius sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor. He felt sick, if he had eaten anything in the past 24 hours he probably would’ve thrown it up. For the last month he had been miserable. He was unbearably sad, exhausted, anxious, restless. But he didn’t need comfort, he needed to be beaten until his bones broke. He needed to scream till he ran out of air. He was so angry at his mother, torturing him was usually her favourite pass time but the one time he wanted it- no- needed it, she refused? Out of everything she had done, Sirius had never hated his mother more for anything.

He was not like them. He did not agree with them. He was repulsed with their ideologies and fucked up views on the wizarding world, and yet he was being welcomed back with opened arms.
——————

Remus glared at Sirius with a look of pure rage on his face. Sirius had never seen Remus so angry, he was usually so sweet and gentle and caring but everyone had their breaking point, and it seems Sirius had pushed Remus over the edge.

Sirius stood in front of him, cowering under his gaze. It was the first time they had seen each other since the prank. Sirius had not been allowed to see Remus in the hospital wing, whenever he had tried James had stopped him, yelling at him and telling him to fuck off. They were currently in their dorm room, Remus had just been released from the hospital wing and Sirius had only wanted to get a packet of cigarettes before going to the astronomy tower.

“Moon-“ Sirius started but was cut off.

“Don’t call me that” Remus spat at him. “I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want anything to do with you” he said, his voice low and threatening. He continued to look at Sirius as if he was disgusted by the very sight of him. Sirius remembered when those same eyes used to look at him with nothing but love.

“I’m so sorry” was all Sirius could say, his voice breaking at the end. Tears started gathering in his eyes and a lump formed in his throat. He knew Remus wouldn’t forgive him yet but he had to say it. He needed Remus to know he regretted it. Remus laughed humourlessly at him and started walking out of the room. He looked back at Sirius, tears in his eyes. The look of anger suddenly replaced with a look of pure heartbreak.

“You’re just like the rest of your family” Remus almost whispered. His voice no longer sounded confident and demanding but weak and sad instead. He left the room quickly after that.
——————

Sirius felt like his whole world had imploded and all he could do was stare. He had promised himself that he would never turn out like his mother. Never be so cruel. But maybe this was inevitable, maybe he was always going to turn out like this. His blood was poisoned after all, he could not escape his fate by simply running from it. Everything he touched seemed to be destroyed, this was his curse. Just like his mother.

But what a cruel fate. To turn into the one thing that has brought you so much pain.