Elusive Dreaming

Everybody wants to know. If we fucked on the bathroom sink, how your hands felt in my hair. If we were high on amphetamines.” You sang contouring leaving several fans wondering who the song was about. “And everybody wants to hear how we chain smoked until three. And how you laughed when you said my name. And how you gripped my hips-” You continued looking out into the sea of people only to meet the gaze of three people you thought you would never see again. Bringing you back into the loft in the studio surrounded by a cloud of smoke.

It felt surreal as if you were there again surrounded by laughing teens. “We wrote a story in the fog that night.” You sing trying not to let your voice falter as you make eye contact with him. Memories of the night after you got your first car, your aunt and uncle had bought it for you. You fixed it up. It was an older car but you loved it. You found yourself remembering how the car rocked back and forth and the handprints leaving a trail behind in the fog. “But, the ending is the same every damn time, no, no, no.” You danced along the stage breaking eye contact to meet the gaze of yet another auld acquaintance. The blonde smiled at you, causing you to smile. “They think I’m insane, they think my lover is strange.

But I don’t have to tell them a fucking thing.” You sang the sound of his voice in your head. The sound of the lead singer of Sunset Curve was in the crowd watching you. Along with two other guys who you knew well. “Write it all down and sing it on stage.” You reassured him while writing down new lyrics. So that’s what you did and you didn’t have to tell anyone a fucking thing. “That’s the beauty of a secret, you know you are supposed to keep it.” Your voice is filled with emotion. Although you didn’t know if the emotion was repressed anger, sadness, or if you were happy to see the three boys in the crowd.

“Everybody’s waiting to hear if I dare speak your name.” You belted remembering how all your friends and family wanted you to talk about him. How your old therapist only talked about him. “Put it deep beneath the track, like the hole you left in me.” You sang getting ready to sing the last verse; the song felt like it had gone on forever. “These days I can’t seem to get along with anyone.” You sang remembering the fights and outbursts of anger you felt then. With the last verse, you finished the song. “Goodnight everyone!” You shouted and then you disappeared from the stage. You found yourself in the dressing room at the Orpheum with your name plastered on the front. You knew that the boys didn’t know you were also dead and that they could find you in the back room if they so chose.

“You were good.” Alex Mercer, the former drummer of Sunset Curve, told you. You shot your head over to him noticing he was alone. “Thank you, Alex.” You said his name felt foreign on your tongue. Twenty-five years on hiatus from a friendship felt like an eternity. “I take it that the song was about Luke.” Alex asked, “How did you know?” You asked sarcastically not wanting to speak his name. Before you passed you both walked a line keeping a barrier of tension. You hadn’t dared to speak his name in twenty-five years. Not since the last night of Sunset Curve. “Where is Reggie?” You changed the subject quickly. “He went back to the studio, he isn’t ready to accept that you died too.” Alex said not moving from the doorway where he had been leaning. “I understand.” You said swinging your backpack over your shoulder and gesturing for Alex to move so you could leave. “Not until you come to see Luke. Please we all missed you.” Alex said his voice is still a bit cold towards you. “I have another show tomorrow, bring Reggie when he is ready.” You told him, still avoiding the questions about Luke. you handed Alex a bright green flier for your next show.

That night you spent the night writing, and all night long you spent coming up with a new song. You had another partner to get over Luke while you were alive. Wondering where your puppy love died and the love froze. You both grew up and maybe that was the problem. Looks can be deceiving and you learned that the hard way. The next night you were playing at a different venue by the beach. You saw no trace of Alex Mercer or Reginald Peters, the two people you wanted to see. Knowing it was stupid to get your hopes up you knew how fragile Reggie was. You teleport onto the stage already covered in bits of sand that you feel grinding under your feet.

“Hello, I’m Electric Sunset.” You say into the microphone in front of you. You started the song with your blood-red guitar covered in old stickers and doodles falling into your hands. “How can Midas put his hands on me again? He said one day I’ll wonder why I have no friends.” You sang while searching for the two long-lost friends. “I find myself alone at night unless I’m having’ sex.” You sing while searching for them. “But he can make me golden if I just show some respect.” You sing the feeling of Luke’s hands on your body, the cool touch of his rings against your neck. The feeling of his warm breath brushing across your neck. A tug on your earlobe feeling as if someone bit it. You knew it was fake, you knew it was the same feeling you had last night and every so often since you broke up with him.

You were virtually strangers who knew each other inside and out. Yet if it was a memory between the two of you it would make you shiver. “But I don't let him touch me. I said “I’m not something to butter up. And taste when you get bored. ‘Cause I have spent too many nights on dirty bathroom floors. To find some peace right behind a wooden door.” You sing recalling the night you fought with Luke and sat in the studio bathroom. Staring at the chipping white paint peeling from the door. Luke had begged you not to go away but towards the end, it was too late.

You found Alex and Reggie with some girl. She was young and pretty. You knew it was Rose’s daughter Julie because you watched her grow up. Rose was the reason you came back and Julie never saw you but Rose did. “It’s too late. And now I can’t stop thinking about how I gave you everything.” You sang glancing beside the young girl to find the boy who was your muse and you hated it.

“And now that the whole thing is finished I gave you everything. “ You sang, closing your eyes, trying to focus on something else. A part of you liked how free it made you feel to let him finally know the pain he caused you. But you knew he went through the pain because the breakup went both ways. “You wrote 99 letters for me, and I found them in my closet and my jeans. Now I am constantly reminded of the time I was 17.” You sing looking to Alex for an answer and he just mouths “I’m sorry.”. You then knew that Luke had found the flier or followed the two or maybe three out of the house. “Every single one is forgotten in a laundromat machine.” You continue to the chorus ready to leave from the moment you lock eyes with him. “I said it’s too late.” You finished.

“Thank you for coming out tonight, welcome Riot.” You announce applauding unlike last night tonight you were just the opening act. You disappeared off the stage working your abilities to make it seem real. “I’m sorry he followed us.” Alex apologized; he seemed warmer than your meeting in the dressing room the night before. “It’s okay Alex, just take me to Reggie.” You said reassuring him that it would be okay. “Hi,” Reggie said with his signature smile plastered across his face. “Hey, Reg I miss you.” You say tears brim your eyes as you go in for a hug. Even though you didn’t enjoy hugs, the guys were an exemption from that rule. “I missed you to sis.” Reggie admitted no biologically speaking you weren’t siblings. But coming from broken homes meant you knew that family isn’t blood, it's the people who are there for you. As you break apart from Reggie noticing that he still had his matching bracelet on.

“Sis this is-” “Julie, I know. You have grown so much.” You sound like a distant relative at a family reunion. “Do I know you?” Julie asked, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion. “Not exactly, let's just sum it up like the guys are to you. Your mom was to me she was a part of me coming back.” You explain while gesturing to Reggie and Alex. Luke was a few feet behind Julie not daring to come near you. “Oh,” Julie says processing the new information. As Luke flicked the end of his cigarette into the sand stepping on it he walked closer. “Well, nice to see you again and nice to finally talk to you, Julie. But I have to go now, bye.” You say quickly teleporting to your safe space away from everyone.

Little did you know a few hours earlier Luke had tried to give Julie his songbook to look at as she had found a song he wrote about you on the page littered with burns and scribbles. “She doesn’t kiss me on the mouth anymore because she thinks it’s more intimate than we should get. She doesn’t look me in the eyes anymore, scared she might see someone else holding me.” Julie read Luke tried to grab the book from her but she shoved it in her shirt.

”That page isn’t dog-eared!” Luke scrambled trying to get the book. She got lucky that his songbook wasn’t like his guitar. Luke wouldn’t dare to grab the book from Julie now and he couldn’t just teleport it into his hands. “When I wake up alone, I am thinking of your skin. I remember what you told me.” Julie reads now hiding in her room away from the guys. “Dude she was gonna find out about her eventually,” Alex said while Luke walked the runway. “I know that but that is a very graphic and inmate song I wrote,” Luke admitted running his hands through his hair. “How graphic, I don’t need to know the series, just give me a number,” Alex said standing up his eyes went wide. “I don’t know like an eight maybe.” Luke huffed “There is way worse than that song in there so we need to find Julie.” Luke said frantically knowing how deep he could write. “Said that we're not lovers, we're just strangers. With the same damn hunger, to be touched, to be loved, to feel anything at all.

She doesn't call me on the phone anymore, she's never listening, she says it's innocent. She doesn't let me have control anymore.I must've crossed a line, I must've lost my mind” Julie read skipping over the chorus repeating. “I miss the mornings with you lying in my bed. I miss the memories replaying in my head. I miss the thought of you and me forever, but all you’re missing is my body.” Julie finished not quite understanding what she just read knowing Luke wrote on a deeper level. “Found her!” Reggie yelled “How much did you read Julie?” Alex asked, “Enough, here.” Julie said, handing Luke his book back.

“Did you read the dog-eared page?” Luke asked, “No, just that one.” Julie admitted, “Don’t look at me like that Julie.” Luke said reading the young girl's facial expressions she looked disgusted. Luke frustratedly teleported into the studio into the loft. He saw your old Led Zeppelin shirt you stole from your older brother. Memories of your nights in the loft flooded through his mind. The good, the bad, and the dirty he saw the rose tattoo on your side so vividly it was almost like you were laughing at him. “Fuck,” Luke muttered under his breath. Flipping through the pages in his journal he saw different doodles you left while he was writing. His thumb brushed over the words you left. He saw Alex talking to Julie about something and handing her a brightly colored piece of paper. It took her less than fifteen minutes to get ready and then left. Luke followed them hanging back about thirty steps.

The night you died you had found out about the boys dying you felt guilty. So like always you ran you ran as far as your legs would take you. They became as numb as you were, you stood on a bridge and in the rain you screamed. You didn’t know that Rose had followed you in her car. All you knew is that you had a fight with Luke and the guys all resented you. The flashing red and blue lights would always be a reminder that you wouldn’t sit on the counter like between your legs as you talked with the guys. The lights would remind you that you weren’t enough for Luke. You died that night from an overdose although accidental it was never ruled as such. Rose found you the night you died you had given her your number and when you hadn’t called her back she had a gut insect to check on you.

Reggie came to talk to you knowing exactly where your safe space was because you lived in it when you were alive. “Can we talk sis?” Reggie asks if the sound of the chains on his jacket brought back memories. “What about Reg?” You asked, giving the boy a small smile. “I’m just gonna say it and don’t get mad at me okay.” Reggie said and you nodded my head against the wall. “Julie found a song and that is why we took her to meet you. But the song was a song Luke wrote about you.” Reggie told you “Is that why she looked at me weird?” You question and Reggine just nodded yes. “How bad was the song? Did it trash me and make me look like a slut?” You ask “Not exactly, it was more intimate apparently.” Reggie said, putting his hands up in the air.

“Reg, I am not gonna hurt you. You didn’t write the song but why did Julie even have his songbook?” You ask knowing Luke was protective over the book. “She is the lead singer in our new band. Because she has a killer voice and can make us visible.” Reggie spills, unable to keep a secret from you. “Oh,” you mumble. “Now, I love you and this is for your good and you can’t kill me. I am already dead.” Reggie says leaving the old treehouse. As he leaves Luke is getting shoved into the treehouse. Your breath hitches in your throat the memories of you and him reappear. “

You do know we can just teleport out right!” You yell to Reggie who is already on his way through the woods with Alex. As you go to leave Luke grabs your wrist and makes eye contact with him for a brief moment before trying to yank your wrist from his grip. “You have to face me eventually,” Luke says in defeat. You try once again to teleport out but you can’t because you are attached to the place. You can come in but not out of the place. Being with Luke in the cabin was familiar but not in the same way anymore. Now you were both on opposite ends of the house with tension.

Not like before when his hands were on your body and hip lips were sucking on your neck. Or when you both would write songs in the middle of the room. “I forgot I can’t teleport out and they locked the door.” You say not to make eye contact with him. “So you're stuck with me,” Luke said you tried not to look at him instead you found your eyes glued to the floor. You kept a close eye on your heart knowing even though it didn’t beat anymore it could still be broken.

Once again although he was across the room from you, you felt his hands tracing figures around your body. You knew it was just another memory, you didn’t know if he felt it too. You were afraid to ask. In your mind, you were standing there sunkissed in June and Luke had given you another letter. “Fuck!” You yelled kicking a stuffed animal, tears in your eyes, you wanted to go home. Luke started to laugh knowing you both were at your breaking point. “Stop fucking laughing Reggie told me you wrote a song and Julie found it.” You snap at him “At Least I don’t perform them.” Luke said back you were both at each other’s throats.

“I’m sorry.” You both say your voices are going soft. Luke’s eyes soften as he looks into yours. You two had done the same dance a million times but this was different there would be no makeup sex after. “Do you ever get a false sense? Like someone is touching you and you know the touch.” You ask “Yeah, but it’s always you.” Luke replies “Like it’s our memories and your touch all over my body.” Luke continues. “Why does it feel so real?” You ask, wondering “I don’t know.” Luke says you both have calmed down. “Hey, look at me,” Luke says softly and you look at him “We have to talk about the fight eventually. Right now if you are okay with it I want to know how you died?” Luke asks if his voice makes you want to break. “After you three left and ate those stupid fucking hotdogs. I ran out and Julie’s mom followed me. I wasn’t ready to be alone but she had to close the club. My guilt ate at me for fighting with you and the guys so I tried to numb the pain but it took too much.” You explain Luke looks at you wanting to hug you but he doesn’t want to overstep. Once upon a time, they found peace in each other's violence. They always come back to each other skipping like a broken record.