April 30th, 1994
There were a lot of times that Remus blindly agreed to whatever Sirius had planned. The most notable time ended up with Sirius almost burning off Remus’s eyebrows in an attempt to charm the Slytherin common room door to shoot fireballs at entering students. In hindsight, Remus is glad that never worked.
As he walked to the whomping willow, he asked himself why he kept agreeing with Sirius’s plans. Sure he was a wolf when they made this grand plan, but he didn’t have to give in so easily. Was he truly so desperate to talk to Sirius that he instantly agreed to meet in the shack?
Apparently he was.
It wasn’t until after Sirius left, that Remus realized how odd the location was. They had never been in the shack for anything other than its intended purpose. Remus wasn’t even sure Sirius had ever been in the shack as a human. If Remus was going to pick a location that was not his office (why couldn’t Sirius come back to the office?), he would have picked a bar or something. Somewhere he could drink and eat and only see Sirius in dim lighting so he didn’t have to be painfully and visibly reminded of everything that happened to the love of his life.
His senses were sharper as a wolf. He could smell the death and wax on his skin, even through the intense amount of soap Sirius used to cover it up. Even though the man wore that overly posh set of robes, Remus could see his slight fidgeting and his almost itching to put something else on. He wasn’t sure he could see that broken man all over again.
Still, Remus immobilized the tree and made his way through the passage.
From what he’s heard from Minerva and the prophet, Sirius Black has been sighted nowhere which meant that he has not left his cousins house. This concerned Remus because last he checked, Sirius hated his entire family including Narcissa. Remus was really unsure why Sirius instantly went to his cousins house and why she had let him. He will try to get answers today, but Sirius has never been clear about anything, especially his family.
Once he was almost at the shack, he heard a melody. It was a soft and depressing classical song he won’t even try to guess the name of. Sirius.
Of course Sirius was already there.
He was not ashamed to say he picked up his pace.
He practically ran up the stairs as the piano kept singing its melody. Remus had questioned why Dumbledore would put a piano in this place, especially a grand piano. He even once asked the headmaster head on to why his wolf would need or want a piano in the shack, but the man never answered.
Sirius must have magically fixed the piano, because it looked brand new instead of its usual destroyed pile of pieces. Sirius himself was paying attention to the keys, he looked younger this way. So engrossed in the music he used to explain the inner workings of his mind. Sirius was the only person to ever play the piano in the Gryffindor common room. Remus was the only person he would play it for. It would be in the dead of night, what muggles ironically called the witching hour, and Sirius would sit there for hours and play his songs. Sometimes it was a happy beat, but most times it was not. Some days Sirius would compose his own inner thoughts into a delightful combination of keys, but those were the only days Sirius felt truly lost in his life.
Remus said nothing. He never did. He would sit next to Sirius for hours on end listening to him perfectly play, and he would never say a word. Words were never what Sirius needed, it was the people that made him feel alive. Sirius explained it to him once, a lifetime ago.
In seconds the melody slowed to a stop, Remus almost begged him to keep playing. Sirius didn’t look up, Remus wasn’t expecting him to.
“Moonlight Sonata.” In another life, an earlier life, Sirius’s voice would be charming and suave. In this life, his voice is raspy like grains of sand being scraped out of his ears.
“What?”
“The song. It’s called Moonlight Sonata. Fitting don’t you think?” Sirius looked up, but not at Remus. He looked past Remus instead, his eyes dull and blank. Remus wondered what was going on in his mind. After a few seconds, Sirius came back to the real world with Remus.
“Yes I would say so. Is that why you chose this place?” Remus hasn’t been in this shack for many years and until a week ago, he was perfectly fine with avoiding it for the rest of his life.
“This is the only place I knew where no one else would be.” The words took Remus aback. Sirius lived in the center of attention. He loves the feeling of every eye on him, every thought shining his name. Although.. that was when Sirius looked and sounded the way he should. That was before he was alone for twelve years.
“I’m sorry.” He didn’t fully know exactly which part of their life he was apologizing for. Maybe everything. Yes, everything. I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry for believing them. I’m sorry for thinking you could ever kill James. I’m sorry. I’m SORRY!
“If you’re going to explain all the reasons behind that sentence, then I think I’ll leave now.” Sirius put his head down on the piano and closed his eyes. Remus would have thought the man would try to exit dramatically, but it seems he’s found his drama elsewhere.
“You don’t want me to apologize?” Remus asked. Sirius loved being right, but he loved proving others wrong more. Apologies were like his victory song.
“For what? Forming the correct conclusion with all the current information you had? You would’ve been considered mad to think I was anything other than guilty.” Sirius almost looked like he was about to fall asleep. He was right too, everything pointed to Sirius being guilty. No one would have listened to anything else. Remus leaned against the wall. Here he was, right in front of Sirius, the thing he begged for, and he had nothing to say.
Remus felt bad, and slightly creepy, but he couldn’t stop staring at Sirius. His hair wasn’t as glossy, his skin was paler and almost sickly. His eyes have always been gray, but there was no longer that sparkle of life in them. His eyes were weighed down by purple bags that almost took over his face. His hands were boney, too boney. Unhealthily boney. Remus assumed his entire body was like that.
Sirius wasn’t looking back at him, which Remus was glad for. If those big sad gray eyes stared at him, he may just start sobbing uncontrollably again. Sirius kept him head down on the newly furbished piano. He randomly played a note every few seconds.
“Why is there a piano in here?”
Remus was so startled by Sirius speaking, he had almost forgotten the man across from him was actually alive.
“I have no idea. I tried to ask Dumbledore, but he never gave me an answer.”
“Figures.” Sirius scoffed. He lifted his head to finally look up at Remus with his gorgeous icy eyes. Remus fell in love with him at just twelve years old. He didn’t know why back then, but whenever he saw Sirius, his heart wanted to jump out of his chest just to get closer to him. He needs to get closer to him.
He left his spot on the wall to lean against the piano.
“Maybe he figured the wolf would stop biting itself if it heard some music.” Sirius did not smile or laugh at his own joke, his tone was flat.
“If that was his best idea then I’m glad we figured out the animal thing.” Remus sighed. He hated this. He hated how stiff they were. They spoke like random acquaintances just meeting at a store, not… whatever they were. In love? Dating? Best friends? Friends with benefits? Remus was in love. Remus has never loved anyone the way he has loved Sirius.
He wanted to fix this, but how does one fix the impossible? He can’t go back in time. He can’t pretend that Sirius is alright. He has no idea what to do to make Sirius be alright. He doesn’t even know if Sirius will ever be alright. How could he? He spent the last twelve years in the worst place on earth with everyone in his life thinking the worst of him. He can’t make that up. Nothing can make that better. He can’t help Sirius. He was useless.
James was always the one that was good with Sirius. James was the first to truly understand what Sirius’s family was like and it was James that Sirius went to first. Even when they were dating, Sirius would go to James when things got too tough. It used to bother Remus. Remus wanted to be the one that Sirius would go to, that could help him. He should’ve been glad for it.
He had no idea how to help Sirius.
What would James do? Would he talk? Would he ease Sirius out of whatever was going on? What would he say? He needed James. They both did. James would know what to say and how to say it and he would make it light and fun. Remus couldn’t do any of that, but he could talk.
“I tried to move on.” Remus started. He had no idea what he was even going to say. “A few years after that day. It was always muggles, people I knew from the neighborhood I grew up in or men I met at a muggle bar. Went on a few dates, but it never turned into anything. After a year or so, I just gave up. Everyone was gone anyways, it felt weird moving forward without you and James.” Even Peter. Peter was one of his closest friends for years, even Sirius had to admit he used to care for that man like a true family.
“What was it like? Being the last one left?” Sirius, unlike Remus, was never afraid of asking the deep and tense questions. Remus couldn’t believe he actually missed feeling awkward and off guard after Sirius’s questions.
“It was the worst thing that ever happened to me.” Remus sighed. He didn’t like thinking about his life, pretty much ever. For two years he lived in the flat Sirius had bought and paid for with his inheritance. He only moved because he felt weird bringing men home to Sirius’s flat. He really should have stayed in that flat though because the only place he could afford was some dump outside the city. He hasn’t even tried working in the wizarding world in the past seven years, so he works weird muggle jobs that don’t require any secondary educational degree. His favorite was working at a bookshop where the owner never seemed to realize his time off alined with the full moon.
“Worse than the becoming a werewolf?” The worst part about Sirius was that he never broke eye contact. He will stare into your eyes as he brings up the worst parts of your life like that’s normal.
“Yes.” Remus didn’t even have to think about that answer. “Becoming a werewolf is painful and I lost a lot of opportunities to my life. For my entire life there was no benefits to it, except one. You all became animagi for me. You all broke countless laws and studied way too advanced magic for me. I never thought anyone would ever care for me like that. So yes loosing you was worse than becoming a werewolf.” Suddenly, all he wanted to do was talk. To update Sirius on every single detail that had happened in these twelve years. To bridge the gap between them. “After the funerals, Mary packed all your belongings and put it into storage along with her own wand. She left the wizarding world and told me to do the same if I wanted a good life. We talked every few months when it first happened, but I haven’t seen her in years. I think she’s a mother now. I did take her advice though, I left this life until Dumbledore came to offer me this job.” He almost didn’t take the job, preferring to keep his elongated distance, but the money was good. Better than any other job given to him.
Sirius listened to his entire story, nodding along. He seemed a little off, but Remus couldn’t blame him.
“I thought you would’ve burned all my belongings, not store them with an unused wand.” Sirius went back to playing the piano. It was another old classical song, Remus wondered if that was all Sirius could remember how to play.
“Sirius...” Remus wanted the eye contact back, wanted Sirius back. “Pads.” The mans head snapped up, Remus couldn’t even remember the last time he said that name. He started walking around the piano. Closer to Sirius. “I could never destroy your things. I stopped dating because nothing would ever compare to the way I loved you. I was alone the entire time because I could never replace you. A part of me left when you did and I have been stuck in this void ever since. You come back and yet I am more alone than I ever been. Do you know how painful it is to know that you are free, but I am still alone? You went to your cousin before you went to me. You are in my heart and here I am begging you not to keep trying to break it. Why must you avoid me? Why choose the family you hate over me?”
Sirius sighed. His once shiny eyes looked straight into Remus’s soul. Remus sat on the piano bench. Right next to Sirius. The melody Sirius played was slow and smooth, but it somehow matched the tension Remus felt beating in his chest.
“I spent a lot of time in Azkaban thinking of my family and James and Peter. I tried to think of you, but dementors don’t work that way. After a while, it was hard to think of you at all so I didn’t. I spent my time thinking of James and Peter and my family. When I got out, it took a long time for me to realize that I could think about you, about us. It was hard. The sudden change was… overwhelming. It was like my brain exploded, it was too much too fast, so I focused on Peter. Then even after Peter, I couldn’t handle it, so I went to Cissy. You may not understand, but there was a time when my family didn’t suck horribly. There was even a time where we weren’t massive blood supremacists and raging cunts. Even when I first ran away, I never stopped thinking about the times we were a true family.”
Remus can never say he understood Sirius’s relationship with his family. He never knew when Sirius was close with Regulus, just that his death almost destroyed him. He never knew which cousin or uncle supported him, just that one of them left him a lot of money. He wondered if James ever knew.
“When we go to France will you let me help you? Will you always share your thoughts so we don’t have to sit here in this creepy shack?” Remus tried for humour. It didn’t work out.
The music stopped.
“You’ll come to France?” He sounded like a small child- no. He sounded like a puppy waiting for a toy.
“Of course I’ll come to France with you and Harry. If he’ll let me that is.” Remus smiled. Sirius did not.
“I still haven’t met him. Cissy said his opinion is important if he wants to move in with me, but Dumbledore won’t let me meet him. He should be more concerned over his alarmingly poor security than my interactions with my godson.”
Sirius pouted which made Remus smile. There were many differences about Sirius Black, but at least there was some similarities.
Remus was about to respond to the whole Dumbledore comment, when there was a noise at the opening of the shack. Three voices rang, children trying and failing to whisper. Remus smiled. Only James’s son would find this place and bring his friends along.
“I think you’re about to get your wish.” He whispered to Sirius. The man next to him had also heard the intruders, but he didn’t know the voices to recognize them. If he was truly about to start raising Harry, that problem will be solved very quickly.
Soon enough the three of them were standing at the doorway. Sirius’s eyes were wide and almost filled with tears. Remus felt the same the first time he saw Harry.
“Professor Lupin.” Harry was switching off looking from Sirius to Remus. “What is this place?”