Numb
James can’t feel his body. Everything went numb. He feels light headed. Nothing is right and he is most definitely not okay. Somehow he realizes that his feet are leading him to the fireplace. Mom. Dad. Sirius. It’s everything he can think about. He needs his family. If anyone can help him now it's these people that love him endlessly. Effortlessly. Unconditionally.
He stumbles out of the flames into his parents’ house. Everything is blurry. He’s shaking. At some point, he must must’ve started to cry since his face is wet. In his hands he is holding a small bag. He feels small.
“Mom?”, he croaks. His voice breaks but she heard him anyways. He can hear her footsteps rushing to the living room where the fireplace is.
“James?”, her voice sounds slightly panicked. “James. Honey. What’s up? Are you alright?”
“I-I-I”, James is not able to formulate a coherent sentence. He has sunken to his knees. He tries again. “I-I-I…”
“James.”, his mother is kneeling beside him. Her touch soothes him. “Honey. You gotta give me something here.”
“Lily.”, James says. “Affair.”
And then he can’t say anything for a while. His cries and sobs are filling the living room. He isn’t just crying. As in the tears are not just some liquid coming out of his eyes. Every tear is an unanswered question. Every sob needs to be payed with all his might. It feels suffocating. Like he’ll never be able to breathe normally again. It is hard work feeling and crying intensely like this. It’s exhausting. Every muscle in his body tenses with every new sob.
How could this be his life? How did he end up here? How could she do this to him? Did he matter to her? Did she even think about him? When she took off her clothes? When she kissed someone else? Did she hesitate and think about him? How he’d feel? And this morning. Did she feel remorse? When she was lying in bed with him, laughing about a joke he made. Knowing, that she betrayed him. Knowing that she destroyed everything they had? He thinks he is going to be sick.
He doesn’t know how much time passes. Just that his mother stays by his side. At some point he thinks he heard his dad ask something. Maybe his mom answered. Maybe there are more people that he is unable to identify at the moment. Maybe he is just dying on the floor. His broken heart might be the death of him.
And then it stops. Not the pain. That doesn’t stop. He thinks it might never stop. But the crying stops. Maybe he is just tired. Or there are simply no more tears left in him. He tries to breathe evenly. His body is still shaking. But the breathing helps. He opens his eyes and realizes that he is still lying on the floor. He has no idea where his glasses are. His head is buried in his mothers lap who's stroking his hair. Her touch is soft. Her face is worried. She looks like she cried, too.
“Hey”, her voice is barely a whisper. “I love you. I love you so much.”
He wants to answer. Wants to tell her he loves her, too. Wants her to stop worrying. But he only feels new tears rolling down his cheeks. This time they don’t hurt as much. This time they feel just right. Like they are trying to make him feel less alone.
Out of the corner of his eyes he sees a movement in the fireplace. Two people are appearing. One of them stumbles out of the green flames as if his life depended on on getting out of the fireplace as quickly as possible. It’s rushed and messy. James isn’t sure how they manage to not fall like this. The other figure seems worried, too. They’re shoulders are slumped, and they also seem hurried but patient enough not to fall out of the fireplace.
“JAMES!”, Sirius wastes no time and falls immediately down to his knees. His hands are cupping James’ face. Touch. Sirius and his love language has always been touch. For as long as he knows him this is how it was. Sitting next to each other, shoulders or knees brushing, physically fighting for fun, hugging. Sirius loves to slide an arm around his waist and walk with him as if they were a couple freshly in love. Even though they never were. Sirius has always been his brother. Almost immediately when the two met for the first time in the Hogwarts express at the age of 11. They were like this. Always like this. Family.
Sirius eyes are searching for something. James has no idea what exactly. But he feels like Sirius is scanning him for damage. James’ pain is reflected in Sirius eyes. He closes his own again, not being able to endure this. Sirius lets his face go then, leaving James feeling drained and broken. He sighs one more time, but finally sits up. Sirius hands him his glasses and places a hand on his crossed legs. Touch. James wipes his eyes with one hand, pushing his glasses up with the other. Then he finally sees the faces of his loved ones. His mom, his dad, Sirius and Remus. They all look terribly worried and for a second he feels bad that he appears to be the reason for their concern. Then he suddenly remembers the why of it all.
“She broke me”, he says. “I’m destroyed.” His voice doesn’t sound like his own. He sounds like a stranger saying that. “I fucking hate her.” He doesn’t though. Not really anyways. But it feels good to say that. To say anything at all.
“You are not broken”, his father puts a hand on his shoulder. “You are devastated. You feel lost and lonely and hurt. But you are not destroyed. Maybe a little damaged, but that’s okay. Well, not okay, but its fixable you know?”
James knows his dad. He knows that he is way out of his depth. He knows that no one in this room can truly understand what he is going through right now. But it doesn’t matter. They are all sitting here on the floor with him. Huddling around him. Like a sports team. He is protected. He is loved. He is allowed to break apart here. And so he does.
When James wakes up the next day he has a headache. He feels as if he had hit by a truck. Or like a train wreck. He never felt so miserable, so small in his entire life. His body is full of emotions which are all fighting to be felt. They are contradicting each other but also riling each other up. James has always been an emotional guy. He never gives anything short of one hundred percent. It the same now. He feels the anger and rage boiling. Feels the sadness, the hurt, the loss and sorrow shooting through his veins like ice. There’s more there but he can’t identify all of them yet. Betrayal. Hurt pride. Insanity. He feels insane. Surreal. Cause this can’t be it. This can’t possibly be his life.
Lily was supposed to be his one in a million. The love of his life. She was the save choice. Not save in a way that he didn’t appreciate her or that she was convenient to him. Save in a way that he always knew that their life together would be wonderful. For every problem they’d find a solution. There was nothing the two of them couldn't fix. As long as they still loves each other. This was it. She was it. They were it. And now they’re not.
He tosses and turns in bed. Nausea washes over him like a wave, and he has to breathe slowly and intentionally to not vomit directly next to the bed. He looks around the room. Nothing changed here. Still the same pictures on the wall: Sirius and him in front of the Hogwarts Express. The marauders with their arms thrown around each other in his parents garden, Lily and him. Holding hands, laughing, kissing.
He shuts his eyes firmly. The woman on the photo does not exist anymore, he thinks. She is someone else now. Someone he doesn’t recognize. This is not the woman that he married. Everything is different now. He doesn’t even try to stop the tears. They are strangely comforting. At least they didn’t leave him. They didn’t betray him. They are still there for him. He is not alone. He has his tears. And so he lies in bed and cries. Clutching his pillow to his heart as if that would stop it from hurting so much. He cries until he feels like he’s done. Until no more tears are coming out of his eyes. And then he gets up.
If there is one thing that James Potter is absolutely not and never will be, it’s a quitter.
You may have broken my heart, he thinks bitterly. I, however, refuse to be.