The Couch
Being with Mary felt like a rush. She managed to touch places Lily didn’t even know she had. At the time it didn’t feel like a choice. It felt inevitable. But maybe it was a conscious decision. And if it was, it was the first one she'd ever truly made for herself. And for herself only.
So does she really regret it then? Of course I do!, a part of her wants to scream angrily at that thought. More than just a little. But the other part knows there is more. An underlying truth that she can't seem to fully deny. Without Mary, her world now seems not only dull but somehow incomplete.
Lily is currently sitting in their living room. On their couch. They being James and her. James, her husband. The one she had stabbed in the back in cold blood. She's feeling drained and tired while also being restless and distracted. So she puts her hands down on each side and starts to slowly move them in circles over the soft fabric.
This rather unremarkable grey couch was the first investment they had ever made as a couple. Lily didn’t want James to simply pay for everything because his parents were wealthy. She wanted to contribute. She wanted to pay for things, too. Wanted to feel at home in their home. Not just be a guest in James’ or worse his parents’ apartment.
Not because she doesn’t appreciate or love them. Because she very much does. In fact, she adores them both. They are the parents a kid could only wish for. They are so special and (sadly) a rarity. From the very beginning, Effie and Fleamont had only ever supported them in all their decisions. To this day they always make Lily feel strong and loved. And although they might've wanted to buy them everything, they instantly accepted that Lily and James wanted to handle things a little differently. Or maybe it was just Lily, who wanted that, and James, who just wanted Lily to be happy.
James has never really cared about material values despite growing up rich. Or maybe it was the other way around. Maybe he could simply afford not to care. However, the result was the same in this case. He would sleep on the floor, no questions asked, if that made Lily happy. Actually, he’d tried but that was back when they first started dating and she didn’t feel comfortable sleeping in a bed together but didn’t want him to leave either. Although he tried to protest, he had to admit defeat relatively quickly because he simply didn't stand a chance against her. He was the guest so he’d get the bed. Simple as that.
When he woke up the next day she didn’t even bother to say “Good morning” or ask how he had slept. Instead, her first words were, “Can I come up and cuddle with you?”
It was the first and last time they would spend a night together in separate beds.
When they decided to move in together after their last year in Hogwarts, James had to learn and understand that money was a completely different matter for him than it was for her. Growing up it wasn’t exactly a problem for Lilys family, but money was still never something you could just easily give away. Expenses were prioritized and always planned at length and with great care.
In contrast, James’ parents handled it a little differently. Or very differently. Sometimes they’d buy themselves things as a reward for a hard day's work or gave themselves expensive presents in the middle of the year for no reason at all. They also didn't spend hours at the dinner table debating which piece of furniture was more important. If a dining table and a cupboard were needed, they were simply bought.
Like countless couples before them Lily and James had to work out a compromise which included that they wouldn’t have their entire life financed by James’ parents. See, they had saved up some money beforehand, but the rent was astronomically high, so money was always tight. Eventually they did what Lily had seen her parents do for years. They sat down, prioritized and decided which furniture was really necessary on a daily basis. They tried to find compromises. And this couch, which she was currently sitting on, was one of them. James had always said that you needed to invest in a good couch because you’d almost always be sitting on it. And if it wasn’t you, it was one of your guests.
“And do you really wanna make them feel uncomfortable? Do you want them to stop coming over eventually?”, he had said multiple times. She still remembers his facial expression somewhere between a frown and a pout.
Lily smiles thinking about this imagine.
James knew it was important to her that their home was warm and inviting and that every guest felt comfortable at all times.
James finally convinced Lily to buy a couch. This couch. She had paid half of it. She had sat on it hundreds of times. It was theirs meaning also hers and yet - it feels wrong. It had never felt so foreign. So less like home. She never thought she’d ever feel so lonely in her own living room.
She blinks away a few tears that have managed to fill her stubborn eyes. She doesn’t want to cry. So, she won’t. Not right now. Not like this. Not when she is the very reason everything is falling apart. Not when she’s actively sabotaged her marriage and managed to hurt the kindest person on earth to ever exist. She doesn’t deserve any sympathy or the relief that crying sometimes brings. She deserves to sit here. Grieving their past. Feeling lost and lonely. On this couch. Their first investment. Their first compromise. Because everything is different now.
She will never forget the look on his face after he found out. The way his voice cracked.
Usually James is this huge guy with broad shoulders and brown skin. His hair is dark brown and always messy by nature. Well, sometimes (most of the times really) he deliberately messes them up even more to make it seem like he’s just come off a broom. Lily used to hate it.
At the moment it is all she can think about. His wonderful hazel eyes and this slightly arrogant but outrageously handsome and lovely smile on his lips. Him looking at her as if she were the only person in his focus. Him saying something, anything really, that would never fail to make her smile. James Potter. The guy, who is always so sure of everything. For whom things naturally tend to go his way. And if they ever didn’t, he’d work hard to steer them in the intended direction after all. If there was a person who could resemble the sun, it would be him. James Potter.
But everything's different now. He seems different now.
Somehow, Lily thinks, he is not this person anymore and hates that she is reason why. That she’s the person who inflicted this pain that forced him to change. To some extent she believes that she had changed him to his very core.
Before this she had never really felt responsible for the man she married. For her it was a commitment. A vow to work on building a life together. Supporting each other no matter what. But she had never felt responsible for him or his feelings. Then again, she had never hurt him like this before. She had never hurt anyone like this before. What might even be worse, never before had she ever seen him hurt like this. So maybe it just never felt like a burden to bear because she never had to bear it before.
It’s scary actually. Realizing the immense power, you have over another person’s life.
Almost immediately she thinks of her father’s favorite quote: “With great power comes great responsibility.”
It's absurd really. She has never felt the weight of those words more than at this precise moment, arguably the darkest and deepest point of her life so far.
A life that would from now on forever include this part.
That is when the tears finally do come and there is nothing she can do to stop them. She has disappointed them all. Every single one of them. The list is near endless.
Spiderman and her father.
Effie and Fleamont.
Her friends and the rest of her family.
…
And of course, James.
But also - and maybe most of all, she has let herself down. Is that selfish?, she asks herself unable to give herself an answer.
Who is she anyway?
Is this really her life?
Are these really her choices?
Is this how she wants to live?And if it isn’t
then what?