Chapter 1
James knew tonight was going to be a hard night from the moment he saw the weather radar. The black brothers had run from their parents on a stormy night much like this one and James knew that meant tonight wasn’t going to be good.
Opening the door to his bedroom he shared with his husband, he wasn’t surprised when he found regulus up, pacing the room.
“Reggie love-“ he called out, moving into his frantic husbands line of sight. Hands up in a careful gesture.
Regulus whipped his head up towards him and nodded to himself “I’m okay, I’m okay”
James nods along with him, “ yes you are sweetheart” he assures him, “let’s sit down okay?”
Regulus follows his lead pliantly as he shakes his hands out infront of hm, moving to sit down on the edge of their bed. It’s a tell tale sign he’s not doing well, as James would never describe regulus as pliant in any way.
He goes through the next motions in his head. There were a few different routines he had been taught by Sirius, who had been the one to calm his brother down for years before James came along, that depended on what type of episode it was.
Deciding that it’s likely a PTSD related episode, James squats down, taking regulus’ squirming hands into his own. “It’s january 7th, 2024, you are in our bedroom in our house we bought six years ago. you are safe and you are loved ”
Regulus only shakes his head, again and again, and James worries for a moment that he’s going to give himself whiplash. And his heart breaks as regulus lets out a whine, “Sirius, he… maman?”
James tries not to frown at his words, okay. This was definitely more trauma related than anything else.
“No love, sirius is okay. You got out ten years ago. You’re twenty five and you live with me, your husband. Sirius lives around the corner with Remus. Remember?”
James thinks he might see some semblance of recognition in regulus’ eyes, but it fades quickly.
“maman fait mal à Sirius, il a besoin d'aide!” Regulus suddenly begs, fear taking over his face
mom hurt sirius, he needs help!
James takes a deep breath, because this has happend before and he knows how to handle it.
“Reg look at me darling”
And despite the way regulus is panicking, his chest rising and falling quicker and quicker, he looks towards him.
James gives him his best reassuring smile,
“That’s it love, can you have a look around the room for me? Look where we are?” He asks the frantic man.
Regulus flicks his gaze around the room hesitantly, running his hands down his face as he does so.
James waits patiently for his husband to recognise the room, and when regulus’ eyes eventually land on him, James does his best to keep his face in a reassuring smile.
“We’re at home sweetheart, it’s January 7th 2024 and you are safe” James repeats,
Regulus nods but his breathing doesn’t get any slower, and he begins to rock quietly to himself.
James stays quiet, allowing him to attempt to regulate himself before he eventually decides he needs to interject, regulus’ breathing getting even more out of control.
“Reggie honey take a breath, everything’s okay”
Regulus only shakes his head at him as he takes his fist and begins to pound it on his leg.
James immediately begins to redirect the behaviour, grasping regulus’ hand in his own as he maintains eye contact with his distressed husband. The self injuring stimming was something that regulus had told him years ago was something regulus could not stop by himself and would need his help.
“No love, cmon let’s take a big deep breath with me” James demonstrated a deep breath hoping regulus would follow along. When he doesn’t, continuing to work himself up, James gently holds regulus’ hand to his chest, a familiar routine saved for particularly bad panic attacks.
“Feel that? Everything’s alright just follow me”
For the next ten minutes they stay just like that, James using soft encouraging words to attempt to bring regulus back to himself and breathing steadily.
But eventually regulus grows frustrated, sobbing out to James sparsely between heaves “I know I’m safe but- but I just can’t calm down.. I need to, I need-“
Regulus looks towards the bathroom suddenly and james feels his heart drop even further. He knew what regulus thought he needed.
Regulus wanted to hurt himself.
It’s something regulus struggled with a lot in his teenage years, the urge to hurt himself in any way possible, leaving scars and burn marks scattered on his arms and thighs. James had been there every step of the way in his recovery, and had helped get regulus to the point where he was three years clean.
James quickly puts himself infront of regulus’ gaze, “regulus no,” he speaks firmly. James doesn’t use his full name often, but in serious matter like this, he knows it gets regulus’ attention.
They’re both silent for a moment except for regulus’ loud heaving, and james can spot the second regulus makes the decision.
Regulus lunges for the bathroom door seconds later.
James feels icey panic down his spine as he uses his whole body to shield regulus from the door.
“No! Move!” Regulus shrieks, struggling in james grip. He knows no matter what that he can’t let regulus get in that bathroom.
“You know I cannot let you do that regulus” jame speaks firmly, and regulus pushes himself backwards out of james grasp to pace the room, hands tangled in his hair harshly.
“I need, I need, I need” he begins to mumble to himself between gasps, tugging harshly at his hair as he paces, and james realising they’re moving into a whole another type of episode.
James takes a few deep breaths as he goes through his options, knowing regulus hadn’t had an episode this bad in a long, long time.
He’s thinking everything through when he sees regulus suddenly make a beeline for their trash can. He pulls a small object from the can and with horror does James realise what he had found.
James had dropped a glass cup earlier. He had swept the glass into the trash can. Regulus had found the glass.
It takes james no more than four quick steps to be infront of regulus, but in that time regulus had pulled up his sleeve and was bringing the shard up to his arm.
James pulled regulus into his chest so he was imobilised, but regulus kept a strong grip on the glass in a way james knew was cutting up his hand.
“Honey you need to stop and listen to me. You aren’t thinking clearly, you don’t want to do this.”
Regulus struggles against his grip, attempting to bring the shard up to his arm anyway, so James turns the pair of them, pulling regulus to lay down on their bed, pinning him below James.
Usually, James would never ever do this to his husband. He would never restrain him in such a way like people try to when someone is having an autistic meltdown. But this was different and james knew regulus was a danger to himself at this time.
“Regulus look at me” James speaks firmly, straddling regulus below him.
“Fuck you” regulus spits between heaves, “let me go. I need to do this.”
James feels his heart hammering in his chest. “You aren’t thinking straight. Please love- you need to stop struggling”
Regulus tries his luck at bringing the shard to his wrist once more and james makes a decision in that moment.
“Regulus if you do not stop and breathe with me I’m going to call an ambulance and they will come help you calm down”
The threat hangs in the air and james feels like the worst husband in the world. He knows regulus’ past with paramedics because he was there. But it’s also why he knows it’s his best shot to snap regulus out of his frantic need to hurt himself.
Regulus pauses in his attempts to injure himself and looks up at his husband. “No! James please!” He begs, and James takes that time to pin his other hand to the bed.
“I won’t okay, I won’t, just take a deep breath. Okay?”
And regulus tries his hardest. James can tell he really does. But he heaves and he heaves, and cannot seem to draw a deep breath in.
James knows he needs his meds, but he absolutely cannot leave regulus to go get them,and he doesn’t even know if they still have any strong enough ones for this.
James gets an idea, feeling with one hand through his pocket to grap his phone.
“No! Please don’t call them!” Regulus pants, alarmed at the phone, but James immediately shakes his head at him.
“No love, it’s okay I’m just going to call sirius and remus okay? They’re gonna come over and help me keep you safe.”
“Why?” Regulus sobs, “I’m fine- it’s fine I swear!”
But James knows better than that and continues his motions, softly reminding regulus to take a breath as the phone rings.
“You’re okay love, we’re getting some help it’s gonna be alright.”.
Regulus squeezed his eyes shut as Sirius picked up the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hey mate, uh- can you and moony come over, reg is having a pretty bad episode and I’m trying my best but I’m having a hard time keeping him safe by myself”
He can hear sirius leap up from his bed on the other line, murmuring to remus for a second before his voice is loud and panicked on the other side of the line
“Fuck, okay- we’re on our way. Has he hurt himself? Is that him breathing ?”
James feels relief blossom in his chest when sirius says they’re on their way.
“No, he hasn’t hurt himself but he’s got glass and is trying to. I’ve got him restrained but he’s been having a hard time breathing for the last thirty minutes.”
James pauses to soothe a still squirming and crying regulus who tries again to take the shard to his wrist. James’ hand stops him anyway, but he just hopes Sirius can get here soon.
James just wishes it hadn’t come to this, and feels guilty he couldn’t help his husband by himself.
“Deep breaths love cmon, give it a go- I’m right here”
It’s another five minutes of feeble soothing attempts before James hears his friends moving up the stairs towards them.
James turns as they enter the room, sirius looking incredibly worried and Remus looking much the same carrying what looks like his medical bag he takes to the hospital when he’s on shift.
Regulus immediately tries harder to hurt himself when James doesn’t have his eyes on him and James just holds him tighter at that.
“Regulus..” Sirius sighs, coming to stand at the edge of the bed.
“Go away!” Regulus yells, picking his head up and slamming back down against the bed quickly. Again andagain.
“Can you grab the glass?” James asks him, “I can’t get it with the way I’m holding him.”
Regulus begins to scream again, “no no no!! Let me have it I need to do this!!”
Sirius frowns, shocked at his yelling but knowing regulus isn’t in control in these moments.
Prying open his hand, Sirius takes the shard and quickly throws it out of sight as regulus begins thrashing.
“Regulus you need to calm down. We aren’t going to let you hurt yourself, so you need to stop” Sirius tells his brother firmly.
“No! No i need to cut- I need to cut” regulus pleads and James feels his heart break at the admission. They need to get his meds into him, and they need to do it now.
“Fuck- he needs his meds” James tells Sirius, who nods with him at that. It’s in the moment remus steps in from the side to murmur softly to James and sirius, hoping regulus couldn’t hear him.
“Look, I’ve got a sedative in my bag if he needs it, but it’s an injection and I don’t know how well he’d take that.”
James grimaces at the thought of regulus needing the injection but nods anyways, deep in thought as he goes through his options.
Eventually he comes to a decision.
“Reggie I need you to listen to me darling,” James speaks softly, and sirius is sitting next to the pair, carefully pushing regulus’ sweaty hair off his forehead in a calming gesture.
“We’re going to help you sit up, so you can get some air into your lungs, but- if you try to hurt yourself remus is going to have to give you something to help calm you down.”
Regulus lets out a loud sob but nods his head anyways, and james eyes sirius, nodding at him to help regulus sit up.
James carefully moves off of his husband, keeping a grip on one of his hands as regulus draws in uneven breaths, hoping he doesn’t notice remus pulling on a pair of latex gloves from his bag just in case.
“That’s it love, you’re safe. We’ve got you” James murmurs, helping regulus sit up against the head board.
Regulus is scrunching his eyes shut, rocking himself softly when suddenly his eyes shoot open and he looks directly at his husband.
“Jamie please! I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die”
James freezes at his words, before he throws himself back into motion, “no darling you’re alright, you’re safe, you’ve just got to take a deep breath” and james tries to demonstrate this once more when suddenly regulus snaps his head back against the wall. Hard. Again and again.
“Regulus!” Sirius shrieks, turning to make eye contact with a frantic James who attempts to stop him.
“Reggie please stop” he begs, meeting Sirius’ eyes who gives him a frantic nod at the question in his own eyes.
“Fuck okay- moony?” He turns to remus who immediately pulls the syringe from his bag, moving to sit on the edge of the bed where James has pulled regulus into his lap, holding his arms in his own as he rocks them back and fourth.
“Shh shh you’re alright reg we’re gonna help you now, you’re gonna feel better in a moment okay love?”
Pushing regulus’ short sleeve up over his shoulder, remus wastes no time in inserting the needle into his skin. Pressing the plunger down and holding for a moment, before pulling the needle quickly back out and stepping away from the bed.
James isn’t sure regulus even notices the injection.
It takes no less than thirty seconds for regulus’ thrashing to stop and he goes pliant in his husbands lap, his breathing evening out as he does so.
James lets out a sob in relief. Tears of guilt and sadness for his love slipping down his face as regulus closes his eyes, the sedative working its job easily.
Sirius is sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. Everything had happend so quick and james felt dizzy.
Remus puts a hand on James shoulder. “You did good mate, I know that can’t of been easy.”
James just hopes he did the right thing.