Chapter 2
James felt frozen, holding regulus tight to his chest as he rocked them back and fourth, soothing him softly as if regulus was conscious.
After Remus had given him the sedative, he’d coaxed sirius into finding any sharps in the room, stashing them away in Remus’ bag until they were sure regulus wasn’t a danger to himself anymore.
Eventually, once they’d hidden everything from their room and ensuit, the pair took a seat on the end of the bed, causing James to look up from his focus on regulus’ calm face.
His eyes are bloodshot and there were tears rolling down his face, “I should have been able to help him” he cries, and sirius stands to move beside james, rubbing soothing circles onto his back.
“You kept him safe. Thats all you needed to do.” Remus told him softly, and sirius was nodding along with him, before softly turning his head towards him, forcing James to look at him as he spoke, “he will be okay, he’s gotten through this before, and he will again.”
James tries not to think about the last time regulus had, had an episode this bad and desperately hopes this doesn’t end similarly. With regulus in a hospital bed.
“Do you think I should take him to the hospital? I know he won’t want to go but if he needs to go, he needs to go” James asks anxiously, and both remus and sirius are quiet in thought for a moment after that.
Eventually Remus breaks the silence.
“I think that he’s safe for now, and maybe we can reevaluate in the morning?” Remus offers up, and after a few moments of discussion they decide that it’s likely the best course of action.
——
James doesn’t sleep that night. Brain filled with all the things that could go wrong if he closed his eyes for even a moments time.
Thankfully, regulus sleeps right through to the next morning, twisting in James lap as he wakes up from his deep sleep. Blinking his eyes open, James spots the moment it registers in regulus’ head what had happened last night.
“Hey hey you’re alright” James soothes as regulus scrunches his eyes shut, a sob coming from his throat immediately.
“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry” he cries out, and james simply rocks him back and fourth, hushing him as sirius comes tumbling in the room, obviously having heard regulus wake up from next door.
“It’s not your fault love, it’s okay no one is mad” James soothes his crying husband.
Sirius takes a seat at the edge of the bed, giving them space, but being there for support.
They stay like that for a while before regulus pushes himself up on shaky arms, gazing around the room before he sits himself up against the headboard.
“I feel dizzy” he admits softly, hand coming up to grab at his head.
James hums quietly, “the sedatives probably still wearing off love”
Regulus scrunches up his face at that, bringing his fingers up to his mouth to chew on in distress “I don’t like it, I feel weird” he tells James quietly, and James frowns seeing his strongwilled husband feeling so vulnerable.
Sirius stands at that, “I’m gonna go get moony up, have him look you over” and he leaves before either of the boys can answer.
Regulus stays silent, chewing on his nails as James sits quiet beside him, watching regulus as if he was to breakdown at any moment.
Regulus meets his eyes after a moments time, studying him closely for a moment before he speaks.
“Are you okay?” He asks softly, and james has to hold back a frown at the question. Leave it to regulus to worry about him when he’s in so much pain.
James reaches out for regulus’ hand slowly, (leaving time for regulus to stop him if he wanted to) grasping his palm in his hands and carefully bringing the palm up to his mouth as he plants a soft kiss there.
“Just worried about you” James tells him softly, keeping a hold on regulus’ hand.
Regulus opens his mouth to speak but Sirius comes strolling back in, this time with Remus following behind him.
“Got moony” Sirius announces to the room, taking up his seat on the edge of the bed once more.
Remus moves to stand on the side of the bed where regulus in sat, trying his best to smile reassuringly. He knows regulus is embarrassed.
“Just want to check your pulse mate” Remus murmurs, sitting down on the edge of the bed, eyeing regulus for permission.
Regulus sighs and james sees irritation flick across his face. He knows right now regulus’ mood is unpredictable and they have to try their best to adjust as they go.
“Fine. Just do it” regulus offers, holding out his wrist for remus to check his heart rate.
Remus presses two cold fingers to his pulse point, checking his watch and counting his heart beats.
Eventually after a minute or so he pulls away frowning, “it’s a bit high, and considering the sedation should be lowering it, I can’t help be a bit worried” he pauses “are you particularly anxious right now?”
James watches as regulus rolls his eyes, “of course I’m fucking anxious?? You sedated me against my own fucking will?”
And James knew this was coming, knew regulus wouldn’t be okay with being sedated and that it would likely make him angry, but he hoped maybe regulus could see their side of the situation.
“Reg” he sighed, “you were hurting yourself. You were a danger to yourself so we did what we had to do to help you calm down, you know this”
But regulus only shakes his head, hands coming up to tug at his hair “you should have just let me do it”
Alarm bells go off in james head and he knows Remus and sirius feel it too.
“Reggie” sirius speaks firmly “are you telling us you still want to hurt yourself?”
Regulus shrinks into himself at that, realising what he had just admitted to, “no no I’m fine, I’m fine I’m fine” he repeats and james eyes sirius who’s nodding along with him.
“Reg” James hesitates, and regulus scoots himself away from his touch, shaking his head frantically, all anger drained from his face.
“I’m fine I’m fine, I just don’t want to be touched”
James nods and immediately backs up so regulus has space. Regulus takes a deep breath, rocking himself a little to calm himself down as he sits vulnerable infront of his family.
“I’m feeling very overwhelmed right now and I need to be left alone” he communicates firmly, Looking a little panicked when no one immediately moves off,
James is the first to speak, nodding his head in understanding “I understand that love, but you know why we’re hesitant about leaving you by yourself? Right?”
Regulus seems to grow more panicked at that, and he makes the mistake of bringing his nails up to his arms, scratching harshly at a cluster of scars right on his inner wrist.
Sirius leaps forward to stop him, forgetting about regulus’ current aversion to touch. Hands colliding, regulus lets out a yelp, shoving himself back against the headboard so fast his head hits the wall with a bang.
Sirius freezes, apology on his lips as regulus begins to rock hurriedly. James hurries into motion at that, grabbing his headphones from the desk beside their bed and lightly placing them on regulus’ head.
Regulus doesn’t have as many meltdowns as he did when he was a kid, but they still happen, and james knows how to handle them
“You’re okay reg, you’re okay” James turns to Remus, “could you turn the lights out?”
Suddenly regulus begins mumbling words under his breath and the trio strain their ears in attempt to hear him,
“I can’t go back, I can’t go back, I can’t go back”
Confused, James looks to Sirius for any insight, but he only shakes his head, they didn’t think regulus was talking about grimmauld place, but they couldn’t be sure,
When regulus begins to calm down, his rocking and flapping of his hands slowing, James smiles softly as regulus’ eyes skim him face.
“Can you tell me where you don’t wanna go love?” He asks softly, and regulus nods again and again,
“hospital.” He answers,
“don’t wanna go back there, please don’t make me go back”
James remembered in that moment just how traumatised regulus had been from his stays in wards as a teenager and young adult.
“We aren’t sending you back okay, I promise” he tells regulus firmly, and sirius whips his head towards him, clearly surprised at his words.
“James…” he mutters
“You promise?” Regulus asks James, looking towards him with big glassy eyes.
Before James can answer, Sirius buts in. “James can I talk to you for a moment?”
But James knows what he’s going to say. That he can’t promise regulus that if he’s not safe. But James only shakes his head.
“I can keep him safe,” he looks back towards his husband. “I’ll keep you safe, no matter what.”