Brothers

French south-west coast, june 1972

After running into Alphard, Sirius and I ran without stopping until we reached the hut, our haven of peace and safety. We hid inside, not moving or restricting our movements, until nightfall, afraid that Alphard might have followed us. We lay prostrate on the ground, one in the other's arms, shivering more from fear than from the cold, because it never got cold in the summer here. When the sky had darkened and the sounds of the forest had taken over from the reassuring birds of the day, Sirius had decided to leave the hut to build a fire. A little more frightened than he was, I waited a little longer inside the hut. Then I joined him, sitting against him as he put his arm around my shoulders in a comforting gesture. Neither of us was hungry, so we just stared at the fire, and from time to time Sirius stoked it so that it wouldn't go out. 

"I think we should leave," Sirius whispered to me at one point.

I flinched a little and looked at him.

"But the shack's finished," I whimpered a little. "Besides, I like going to the oyster park. I like Mr Léandri, he looks after us. You can trust him Siri, I'm sure."

I could hear Sirius's heart racing.

"Yeah," he'd whispered. "But sometimes... sometimes I'm scared. I'm scared they'll recognise us. We had a really close one with Alphard..."

I looked at him as he said this and despite the fact that I was glued to him, I felt him so far away. So far behind that shell he'd put up when he was scared. And yet, today, he had decided to open a crack, to tell me, his little brother, his protected one, that he was afraid. And I was grateful to him for that. Sirius, who was always the one to help me, offered me a way out so that I could help him.

"You know," I began, taking a deep breath. I wasn't sure how to put it. So I decided to be as frank as I could. "I don't think they care about people, do you? Mr Léandri will protect you if they want to arrest you."

Sirius rested his head on mine. He seemed so hesitant at times like this.

"I'm not afraid of going to prison, Reggie," he whispered after a moment. "I'm afraid we'll be separated."

I didn't really have anything to say to that, because I was terrified of it too. This vision of a world in which I would live without Sirius being there, right next to me. It sent a shiver down my spine. So I took his hand in mine and squeezed gently.

"We're going back to Mr Léandri, and he'll protect us Siri. He'll never let anyone separate us."

The next day, we went back to the oyster park, discreetly, scanning every person we came across, every bush big enough for an adult to hide in. But nothing. Nothing happened. And when we arrived at the oyster park, Mr Léandri scanned the path looking for us. And when he saw us, the terror on his face vanished and he ran towards us. We stopped, and he took us in his arms, holding us so tightly. Like a father.

"I chased him away," he whispered in our ear. "He's not coming back. And if he does, he'll have to go through me, kids."

"You're not going to chase us then?" asked Sirius shyly. "And you're not going to report us to the police?"

Mr Léandri was shocked by these questions and moved away from us to look at us better. He gave our shoulders a little squeeze.

"Of course not, boys. You can stay with me if you want. For as long as you like."

Sirius smiled a little and looked at me.

"I'd rather stay here too," I huffed, smiling. "It's warmer here than in London."

They both laughed at my words, especially Mr Léandri.

"That doesn't surprise me, my boy! It rains so much in Britain that the rosbeefs are white as arses!" he joked.

We looked at him in disbelief, and he seemed to realise what he had just said, and to whom he had just said it. He got to his feet, embarrassed, coughed for propriety's sake and said to us, in a tone that was meant to be confident:

"Come on, guys! We've still got some oysters to pick up before the sun comes out too late!

Sirius and I laughed, passing him to walk towards the beach, before trumpeting in an amused tone, in perfect brotherly symbiosis:

"All right, frog-eater!"

And off we ran into the sand, under the protective gaze of Mr Léandri and all the other oyster farmers.

The days passed normally again, with no threats knocking on our door. So Sirius and I were able to enjoy ourselves again, in peace and quiet, as the days of July passed slowly by. Then August. Quietly, in our same beloved routine. Summer was good for Sirius and me, and we took advantage of our free afternoons to go swimming when the beach wasn't too crowded. And when the beach was full, Mr Léandri would take us out in his boat and we'd chat. We'd talk about fishing, oysters, the tide, the summer and sometimes we'd even talk about his son, Ernest. We'd learned a lot about him. Mr Léandri, whose first name was Georges, who was in fact 59 years old but didn't look it at all, had had Ernest in 1933, with his partner Marguerite. Ernest was physically more like his mother, Mr Léandri told us: dark-haired, curly but very short, with eyes as blue as the ocean and a kind smile that would melt the heart of any parent. They were delighted. And then the war broke out and it took its toll on them. Marguerite had deprived herself enormously so that her son could eat his fill and she was very weak. In 1944, on 18 February to be exact, Ernest died of a cold that had got worse. His parents, Marguerite and Georges, had suffered enormously and Marguerite had fallen ill. In 1952, Mrs Léandri joined her son, dying too. When Mr Léandri told us this, Sirius and I were very saddened. He seemed to be far away in the moments that followed his statements, but we didn't blame him. One day he said to us:

"You know, boys, I'm not sad any more. Not now, I've done my mourning. I've accepted it all. And then..." he looked at us, genuinely happy. "Now I have you. As colleagues, of course, but also as friends."

This sentence, which had left me perplexed, had done my brother a world of good and on the way back that evening he said to me:

"Do you think that one day we'll be able to be his sons?"

We smiled as we looked up at the stars and hoped so hard.

"Of course, but I'd be a better son than you," I replied, before pinching his rib and running off, my little legs taking me far ahead of my brother as we laughed so much together.

We were so happy.

***

French south-west coast, Monday, August 21, 1972

"Well, boys? I think you're a bit lazy today!" teased Mr Léandri, while we still had our feet in the water.

The oyster farmers around us laughed a little.

"Do you want to race Georges?" replied Sirius, a smirk on his face.

"Be careful boss" laughed one of our colleagues, René. "They've got the fire of youth in them! You have to watch out for them!"

And that time, we all laughed. We were all happy about everything that was happening. We became more comfortable, more smiling. We were still children, surrounded by a family.

We grabbed iron crates of oysters and carried them up the dune to the store, and when we came out Sirius pointed at something in our right.

"Look, Reggie! Look at the car!"

I followed his finger until my eyes fell on a magnificent black Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow.

I glanced at my brother and we slipped away to look at it, while Mr Léandri and the others were still on the sand, working. As we approached, a woman emerged, her back to us at first. Sirius and I were transfixed by the luxury car in front of us. We felt it, admired it, looked through the windows. We'd never seen one like it!

"Do you like her?" the woman asked softly, trying to get our attention but we were too focused on the car to look at the woman. We just had the patience and heart to nod, circling the car to look at everything. "It's a 1965 Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow. Normally, Merillson, my chauffeur drove it."

"Wow," I huffed. "It's beautiful, ma'am."

And when Sirius and I looked up, we froze again. The woman had long jet-black hair that fluttered in the wind, eyes as grey as steel and the same stature as us. And as Sirius reflexively grabbed my hand, the woman knelt down and smiled. She was smiling.

"Do you recognise me?" she whispered.

"Mother" whispered Sirius, who always remembered every face he came across, adding them to his memory and emotional baggage.

"Oh no my darling" she breathed, caressing Sirius's face as he remained motionless. "Not mother. Mummy. Call me Mummy."

I could feel Sirius trembling in my hand, but I couldn't turn away from the tender look this woman was giving me. This Mum. My Mum.

"I've missed you so much, my darling sons," she breathed, catching us in a hug. A HUG!

And shocked, stunned, bewildered by the situation, we accepted the hug. A few seconds later, she moved aside to stroke our hair, still smiling. She turned towards the car and jerked her head towards it.

"Would you like a ride in it?" she offered.

And as I nodded, I felt Sirius take a step or two back, as if struck by all these memories I couldn't quite remember myself. But I turned back to him, smiling and reassuring my big brother.

"Sirius" I whispered to him. "It's Mum."

And as he accepted, frightened, drawing a cross on our scars, on our more or less blurred memories, our fears. And we got into the car, in the back, in this magnificent car that was destined us for hell without us even knowing it. Our mother got in front and started the engine. The engine backfiring, the noise, and the car not fitting in with the scenery, all alerted Mr Léandri, who ran back up the dune. He shouted and ran, but we couldn't hear him, blinded by our Mum. Sirius opened the window under our mother's watchful eyes and waved his hand.

"REGULUS! SIRIUS!" cried poor Mr Léandri, running despite his age, on the verge of tears. "REGULUS! SIRIUS! COME BACK!"

"IT'S ONLY A TURN GEORGES! MUMMY WILL TAKE US FOR A RIDE AND WE'LL BE BACK! PROMISED!" shouted my brother, waving his arm and smiling. "IT'S MUM! DON'T WORRY!"

And as I, too, waved my hand, laughing, Mr Léandri stopped running, the tears welling up in his eyes. He fell to his knees as we continued to wave, certain that we'd find him again after a quick tour of the surrounding countryside, and Sirius closed his window. He grabbed me by the shoulders and smiled.

But quickly Sirius and I realised that the car wasn't going to stop.

It was too late.

How could we have imagined that we would go from total freedom to prison? We'd left our shack that very morning, a morning like any other, one of many we'd experienced over the last six years. We didn't know we'd never be coming back. Our shack, our beloved home, which I had taken so much care to build, for which Sirius had walked so far to bring me everything I needed. We never saw it again. 

As soon as we arrived in London, she dropped us off with our new tutors: Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange. A young couple who didn't really like each other and whose mission was to make us school-age in less than a year. One year, when ten years would certainly not have been enough. And all hell broke loose from day one. Our mother had abandoned us on the doorstep of their austere house as the butler ushered us in. We were washed, changed and finally introduced to our horrible cousin and her husband. They were 21 and 22 and already completely barmy, unable to look after children.

Bellatrix, with her crazed look, had approached us, screaming a completely frightening laugh.

"My little Sirius and Regulus! How nice to see you again!"

Sirius and I had taken the same step backwards, sharing exactly the same fear. This woman, our degenerate cousin, utterly terrified us. Not one ounce of her or her brutal husband appealed to us. And when Sirius was scared, he attacked. So immediately he spat at her, his drool landing directly on Bellatrix's shoes. This first act of rebellion earned us both a knee in the stomach from Rodolphus. And as I fell and wept in dismay, Sirius tried to attack again but was stopped by one of the servants, who immobilised him. Meanwhile, Bellatrix grabbed me by the hair and pulled me to my feet. 

"C'mon, c'mon, Regulus," she said mockingly, "Boys don't cry. Little girls do, but you can't. Unless you're a girl, Regulus? Are you a girl Regulus?"

"No... No." I huffed, and that earned me a slap, which made my brother howl with rage, and he couldn't do anything about it.

"When you address me, it's ''Madam''. Yes Madam, No Madam. Understand?"

"Yes Madam" I stammered back, and I could see that she was revelling in all this. This violence that was being allowed.

"Good, Regulus. Shall I ask you again? Are you a girl?"

"No Madam."

"Then if you're not a girl, Reggie boy, why do you have long hair?"

"What?" I stammered.

Another slap, more violent.

"You don't say what, you say how!"

"How, Madam?" I repeated, about to cry again.

And Bellatrix smiled, with all her madness. "Your hair," she said, catching a lock that had settled in front of my eyes from the force of the slap. "It's too long. But you're a boy. So you must have short hair. Right, Regulus?"

I looked at her, as dumbfounded as my brother.

"ANSWER REGULUS!"

"Ye... Yes, Madam."

And she started grinning like a maniac again.

That evening, our hair was cut in the shortest way it had ever been cut. Every time we resisted, we were threatened and beaten. And that night, when we were sleeping in adjoining rooms, I slipped into Sirius's room to sleep next to him. And when he thought I'd fallen asleep with my back to him, I felt him sobbing silently. And for the first time in six years, I no longer felt like my brother, even though we were almost perfect copies of each other. Sirius's hair didn't start to curl until it reached a certain length, as his roots were quite straight. So, with our hair so short, his hair was almost straight. But my hair was curling almost from the roots so I still had nice curls, despite the fact that my hair had been trashed. I realised then that Sirius and I were more different than I'd thought. We were no longer a unit, a whole. We were no longer Sirius and Regulus. We were Sirius, and, Regulus. And that little difference upset me, I wanted to cry. But I didn't, because I didn't want Sirius to know that I'd seen him cry. And silently, perhaps this was the beginning of the foundation of the wall that would separate us. 

Over the next week, Bellatrix, Rodolphus and all the servants quickly realised that Sirius and I would never leave each other. And that if we were to run away, it would never be without each other. So they separated us, in all our daily lives. We got up at the same time, but when one of us had breakfast, the other would wash and get dressed. And when one of us had finished, we'd swap places, always with a time lag so as not to cause a riot from us. We had lessons with private tutors, from 7.30am to 12.30pm and then from 1pm to 8pm, in exhausting rhythms where we never bumped into each other. At lunchtime, I ate in the kitchen while Sirius ate in the dining room, alone. And in the evening, I ate in the dining room, alone, and Sirius ate in the kitchen. When one had a lesson in Ancient Greek, the other had Latin. When one had Italian, the other had French. When one had literature, the other had algebra. When one had history, the other had geography. When one had science, the other had music. Our lives were arranged from morning to night so that we never crossed paths. Hell, they even taught us different instruments. While I was killing myself on the violin, Sirius was killing himself on the piano, making us two virtuosos who were disgusted by music. And sometimes, I swear, sometimes I couldn't even hear the music I was making during all those intense hours when violence was the teacher. 

For the first month, I kept sneaking into Sirius's room or he would come into my room for a few hours, our only moment of happiness. But one night, when Sirius had snuck out of his room, Bellatrix was waiting for him outside his room. That night Sirius and I took the beating of our lives, the most violent we'd ever experienced. And the next day, locks had been fitted to our doors, while our windows were condemned not to open.

In the middle of that year of horror, in January, a new habit was started and I could see my brother again. Only on Saturday lunchtimes, when we ate at the same table as Bellatrix and Rodolphus. And after several Saturdays, my brother began to play the clown. To make me laugh. But it only frightened me more, as Sirius was beaten in front of me. And yet he kept looking at me with that stupid smile that was so dangerous in this house. And I wanted to cry, to beg him not to put himself in danger for my sake, to stop smiling when all it was doing was making our hosts angry, but we weren't allowed to talk to each other. And every time, he'd do it again, he'd get beaten up, he'd bleed or swallow his tears and he'd smile. He'd smile at me. And sometimes I'd even get a wink. His whole game scared me, I was scared for him and I didn't have the courage to stand up and beg him to shut the fuck up and stop being so cheeky for once. It took me two months before one Saturday, seemingly just another Saturday, when Sirius had just been beaten up and was smiling at me, I got up and screamed. 

"STOP IT SIRIUS! STOP ACTING LIKE THAT! IT'S BAD! YOU'RE NOT EVEN FUCKING FUNNY!"

And as I realised what I'd just done, I looked up and met his gaze. He was so sad and so disappointed. Sirius was disappointed in me. And as my brother's gaze broke, our cousin laughed, sending shivers down our spines.

"Well done little Reggie!" she laughed, applauding me. "Bravo! That was simply majestic!"

And even though our cousin looked happy, I still got beaten up afterwards.

In one year, our parents only came to see us twice. They had given us a few books, some new clothes and discussed our abilities with Bellatrix and our private teachers. Without either of us knowing it, they had painted me in a positive light with my parents but had argued that Sirius was unfit to be proper in society. Our parents then left without speaking to us. It was at the second meeting, at the end of June, that our mother had lied to Sirius and me, isolating us to show us an Eton College uniform to make us believe that the other would go there, separating us even more.

And Alphard? He'd made a brief attempt to apologise one night, shouting outside the house while we were locked in our rooms. Our windows couldn't open but I think Sirius and I were too unhappy and angry at the time to show him any mercy. Neighbours called the police and Alphard left empty-handed, but in a police car. After that, he never tried anything else and I never saw him again.

On the last two Saturdays in May 1973, our family decided to reintroduce us to life in society. Or more accurately, into the upper echelons of British society, although a few people were of other nationalities. It was a parade, a show so that our parents could show how well educated Sirius and I were, like the good little heirs we were. It was also on this occasion that Sirius and I met our little sister, Vega, who had just turned five. When I saw this little girl, I didn't feel like I was meeting a human being, but a robot. A poor little five-year-old robot with such empty eyes. She didn't really have an expression, but everyone blamed that on her shyness. With a risky glance at Sirius, I knew he was thinking the same thing as me. They had broken her, probably more mentally than physically, as we were, but she had grown up alone at 12 Grimmauld Place. She'd grown up in that house without knowing that behind one of the walls, in one of the rooms, she had someone to rely on, the person who completed her. Vega was alone, completely alone. And Sirius and I knew what that would mean: Vega Black would go mad, completely mad. Somewhere between Walburga and Bellatrix. And so she would be the perfect heir if neither Sirius nor I suited our parents. She was just another pawn on the chessboard of our family. 

It was also at this moment that we met Andromeda and Narcissa. While my brother went easily for Andromeda, I turned with disconcerting ease to Narcissa. She was nothing like her elder sister. She was blonde, didn't shout and smiled sweetly. She was only 17 at the time and had exceptionally been brought home from her public school in Scotland to attend these parties. If I had understood correctly, she would be 18 a few months later and Andromeda would be 20. In the space of two Saturdays, I had become so close to Narcissa that she told me I was her favourite cousin.

"Are you sure? You know... I think Sirius is better at a lot of things than I am."

"Maybe," she'd replied. "But he's an idiot. Bella tells me he messes up all the time. But anyway... I don't think hitting him all the time is going to help his behavioural problems."

And just then, a huge noise was heard across the room.

Sirius had just rammed his fist into the face of a distant cousin, a certain Crabbe. 

The incident Sirius had created had, of course, earned him a thorough beating from Bellatrix and Rodolphus, so much so that I could hear his screams as I pushed my pillow over my head to muffle the sounds of the outside world and my sobs.

***

London, September 1st 1973

That day our mother came back to take Sirius and me with her. The chauffeur, Merillson, drove the magnificent car while our mother kept a watchful and wicked eye on us. Sirius and I hadn't spoken to each other and hadn't looked at each other much, but I was reassured and I knew that he was too. We had a kind of telepathy that allowed us to communicate, but sometimes it didn't always work. That day was a foggy day, but it wasn't too thick, so I assumed it was fine. We made our way through London towards King's Cross. When we arrived, the station was full of people, many of them parents with children, who like Sirius and me, had to go to prestigious public schools away from it all. Our mother wasn't holding us but she was on the lookout. She kept putting us back in place, demanding that we walk at the same pace as her, on either side of her body. She directed us to a platform and showed us a train. An old red and black train that was still smoking. A bloody steam train. Sirius must have found it strange too, because he let out a laughing, slightly mocking exclamation. Our mother squeezed his shoulder and he calmed down. And the closer we got to the train, the louder were the murmurs around all of us. But our mother forced us to feign ignorance and keep our chins up. We stopped at one of the gates and Mother turned back to my brother.

"It's your train Sirius. When you get on it, you'll make sure you don't hang around with people unworthy of our name. You don't hang out with the unclean or the proletarians, you don't hang out with foreigners and if they have a strange accent, you don't talk to them" she ordered him. She turned, looked at some of the families and pointed to two in particular. "Do you see that round boy with blond hair? Don't go near him. He's the Pettigrew heir, a family unworthy of us. I don't want you talking to their son. Is that clear?" She waited for Sirius to reply and pointed to the other boy, who was cuddling his parents, in front of everyone. "Don't you dare go near that brat, do you understand? He's the Potter heir. None of his parents are white or pure English. You do not speak to him under any circumstances. Is that clear?"

"Yes Mother."

"Good. Get on that train then. We'll see you this summer."

Sirius walked towards the train door and stopped just short of it. He turned and smiled at me, and I felt my mother tense up beside me. But Sirius was strangely calm.

"Goodbye, Regulus," he said with shining eyes. "I'll try to write. Every day."

And I couldn't believe my ears as a smile escaped me.

"Every day? Really?"

"Yes, Reggie. Every day, I promise. But be careful, you'll have to answer to me! Until then this summer, behave yourself, have fun and-"

"I think we've got it Sirius," my mum cut him off and he glowered at her.

He ran into the train, got into the first free carriage and opened the window.

"SHOW THEM WHAT A GENIUS YOU ARE, LITTLE BROTHER! IMPRESS THEM WITH YOUR TINY, FULL HEAD!"

And I smiled, sad to have to leave my brother. But happy that he thought I was clever. I waved a quick goodbye and Mother was already grabbing my arm so that we could change platforms, leaving Sirius to face his fate alone. We walked for a while and then returned to what seemed to me to be the platform opposite Sirius. My train was also an old steam train, but it had "Aranshire School" written all over it. I turned to Mother and she gave me the same instructions as she had given my brother. However, she didn't tell me who in particular to avoid. She combed my hair a little and, with a rough hand, removed the dust from my suit, which wasn't there.

"Get on that train, Regulus," she finally ordered, and I listened. However, as I climbed the steps, she called to me. I turned, avoiding some of the students who were coming in last.

"Remember, Toujours pur is not just a saying about our blood superiority. It's also about our reputation. Don't shame me like your brother so often tries to do."

"Yes, Mother," I said, and my voice was that of a robot, so much so that I thought I heard Vega speaking.

"Do better than him."

"Yes Mother."

"Be better than him."

"Yes, Mother."

And then she turned, leaving me on that train, alone, and I wanted to scream.

And those were the worst years of my life. Six years without Sirius. Six years cooped up in a school lost in the middle of the Scottish countryside, doing everything to get some sign of life from him. Everything, even sending letters every day and never getting a reply, even though he'd promised. Years when I could only see him during the summer holidays, when our resentments locked us in mental prisons for good.

And that, in a way, was the beginning of the end.