It was a cold day, the rain refusing to let up despite June approaching. Remus sat in the astronomy tower, his eyes glued to the sky beyond the frail railings. His knees were tucked against his chest almost painfully so.
It had maybe been hours, days even, since he’d heard. He hadn’t thought it possible for James Potter to make a sound like that. It was as if some cruel gods, those same ones who must’ve given Sirius his parents and Remus his lycanthropy, it was as if they were stealing every inch of oxygen from around them.
It had taken a while for Remus to really understand. It had taken James screaming as if somebody had dug a knife through his back. Short and eerily quietly, James Potter screamed. Then, even more disturbingly to their head of house who would only watch as the Gryfinndors broke, he suddenly stopped.
“No.”
That was what had really gotten Remus’ attention. It was the calmness with which his friend said the word. He repeated it over and over again to himself. A mantra. Maybe if he said it enough times it would come true? After knowing James for so long Remus was half sure that the boy could will anything to happen. Why not this?
“No. No. No.”
Through the corner of his eye, he could see McGonagall step back, well aware that not even her as their head of house and maternal figure, could fix this. She could only watch.
Peter too had been silent, his eyes only tracking James as the boy began pacing around the room and repeating the mantra.
“No. No.”
“James.”
Remus hadn’t meant to say anything aloud. He wasn’t even processing it until the name had escaped his lips. There was something copper-tasting about it. The word seemed tinged with blood.
It was at the simple sound of his own name that James Fleamont Potter, the ever-confident Gryffindor quidditch captain, was reduced to a bundle of tears. He collapsed on the floor, sobs racking his suddenly frail form.
Remus stood up so quickly that the other two in the room were startled. He winced as he picked himself out of the chair he was sitting in, the chair where they’d sat and been reprimanded by their head of house for countless pranks, and ran.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw McGonagall start to say something, probably about to attempt a comforting sentiment that would offer no such thing. He didn’t wait around to hear it and the moment he was out the door, she abandoned the idea altogether. There was no comforting them, she had been teaching long enough to know that there was no way to fix this situation.
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Remus wasn’t exactly sure how he’d made it to the astronomy tower, he’d just run without a thought. He let his body guide him to the spot where they’d learned about the stars, at Sirius’ insistence. It was only in Second Year, once the boys had discovered Remus’ secret that the Black heir had started letting the roommates into his own head.
As the four boys stared out at the night sky and Sirius pointed out the constellations, he quietly reminisced over his family members with the same names. Regulus, his brother and the centrepiece of Leo was Sirius’ favourite, he explained. Despite his own namesake being the brightest in the sky, he felt as if Regulus belonged there more.
Remus remembered watching the boy as his breath hitched at his own words, how he allowed a single tear to escape before he moved onto the others. Regulus had started Hogwarts that year and following the example of his family, been placed in Slytherin. The other boys watched as Sirius observed his little brother, the younger Black folding easily into the embrace of their cousins. They could see, even then, Sirius’ heart slowly shattering every time he ignored him in the hallway. Once, the elder had claimed it was the right thing to do, that Regulus was protecting himself by not associating with his Gryffindor brother. He said it so calmly that it seemed practised, as if he’d spent hours rehearsing it in the mirror.
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As he thought back to that day in the tower, learning about the subtleties of the Black family and the stars they were named for, Remus was struck with the sudden urge to throw up. The guilt attacked him from every angle, stealing the air from his lungs as he coughed violently.
“How could we have been so naive? We knew. We all knew and we just ignored it. We let it happen.”
The sound of his own voice startled him yet was grounding.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of it. Please just come back to us, Pads. James needs you and Regulus needs you. It’s not fair. How could you leave him alone there? Like that?”
His despair inched towards anger and Remus let it. Anger was all-encompassing. Anger was easier.
Time was a concept unbothered by heartbreak and it slowly slipped away. The sky darkened, the stars announcing themselves. It was such a clear night that Remus was sure they were mocking him. Sirius was so bright and dazzling, so alive.
A hand on his arm alerted him to company. But Lily didn’t say a word. She took hold of his hand and squeezed, shifting closer so that he could rest his head on her shoulder. They sat in comfortable silence and Remus was reminded of how lucky he was to have her. For a while, they didn’t speak.
“Rem, I’m so sorry.”
He could feel her looking at him but kept his eyes forward. He didn’t know what he’d expected but it hadn’t been that. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to play dumb, to force her to actually say it. They both knew it was true and that was enough.
“Me too, Lils. Me too.”
They’d been friends as well, bonding over difficult sibling relationships and their similar senses of humour.
He finally turned and looked into her eyes, noting the tears starting to gather.
“How’d you hear? Does everyone know?”
She squeezes his hand again.
“No, nothing like that. I heard McGonagall call for Marlene, something about helping James and I figured I’d come find you. The way she looked when she came looking for Marlene, it was scary. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look like that.”
“Poor Marls. They were so close.”
“Remus, stop worrying about other people for one minute and focus on yourself.”
“I-- I don’t think I can. I think if I really think about it, I’ll never stop crying. Oh you should’ve heard James, Lils. It was terrifying.”
“Oh, Rem.”
“And even McGonagall, her face. Oh god her face when she told us. Her face when James started to cry. I just… I just can’t believe he would do it for real.”
“Rem it wasn’t like that. You know it wasn’t.”
“Yes it was, it was exactly like that. He did it to himself and now we’re all forced to face the consequences.”
He turned away from her and faced the sky once again.
“Coward. You’re not a Gryffindor. You were a coward!”
“Remus!”
“No! Do you see what he did to us? To James? Do you see what he’s doing to me?”
His voice cracked as it stumbled through the words.
“How could he? How could he do it, Lils?”
“Rem--”
“We could’ve done something, we could’ve helped! But no. I mean, who does that? Who ignores their friends for months, doesn’t respond to a single letter over break and then doesn’t come back from holidays? Nobody! Nobody does that, Sirius! I don’t care how shitty your parents were or how much you hurt me. I don’t even care. I don’t care about anything anymore.”
“Remus.”
“No, Lils. I’m done.”
“Okay.”
She started to stand, clearly exhausted by his outburst and trying not to cry herself. It was only because of the silence of the astronomy tower that his whisper carried.
“Stay with me?”
She settled back into her spot, this time her head sat atop his shoulder.
“Of course. Always.”