Chapter 1
Commonly when Remus has a nightmare he doesn’t want to wake up Sirius. So he doesn't; he just sits in the silence until he can’t take it any longer and eventually wakes Sirius up with the noises let out from his sobs. Tonight was no different.
Sirius woke slowly and raised his head to see Remus with his back against the board at the foot of the bed, with his knees pressed to his chest and his hands cupped against his ears. Sirius was awake immediately at the site, he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and sat with his legs crossed in front of his boyfriend.
“Hey.. Moons it’s me.. it’s okay deep breaths. Deep breaths.. you’re okay..” Sirius whispers soft words to Remus as he lets his hand float above his boyfriend's, not letting it touch just in case. Remus slowly looks up and removes his hands from his ears with tear-filled eyes.
“You okay?” Sirius asks gently,” Are you up to touch?”
Remus thinks for a moment before answering hesitantly,” I.. I don’t k- know..”
“How about we try this?” Sirius places his hand on top of Remus’s, slow enough that Remus could’ve pulled away if he wanted, but the touch ends up earning a quick jolt from the taller as Remus snatches his hand away.
“I- I’m sorry.. I just.. gimme a few seconds..” Remus speaks in a small voice as he takes some deep breaths. Sirius nods, giving Remus the time he needs to calm himself down. After a few minutes, Remus gives a soft nod, barely noticeable but an indicator Sirius can proceed.
Sirius places his hand on top of his boyfriends, this time without a jolt and Sirius smiles, “That’s perfect Moons.. just relax.. deep breaths.”
Remus nods as he leans forward to lower his head onto Sirius’s shoulder, and mumbles, “I’m sorry for waking you..”
Sirius frowns and tightens his hold on Remus’s hand slightly, “Don’t. Don’t blame yourself for things you cannot control.”
Remus shook his head, “I always fuck things up for us, I can’t even let my boyfriend hold my hand cause I had a bad fucking dream.” He pulls his head back from Sirius’s shoulder, and Sirius doesn’t make a move to hold him back. Remus’s hands shake as he combs his hand through his hair and sighs as more tears grow in his eyes.
“Don't talk about yourself like that. Nothing that happens to you is your fault,” Sirius says firmly.
Remus lets out a frustrated groan and runs a hand through his hair, “I just want it to go a- away.. I h- hate it so fucking much, I can’t even sleep through the n- night.. I- I’m a fucking mon-“
Sirius cuts him off by grabbing Remus’s wrists, it makes Remus flinch but it stops him, “Don’t you dare say what you’re about to say.”
“Why the fuck not? It’s true,” Remus snaps as he tries to pull his wrists away but Sirius holds a tight grip,” Sirius.”
“Remus,” Sirius matches Remus’s stare, "Don’t. I’m not going to listen to you ruin yourself. You can’t control what you are. I don’t care. None of our friends care. We only care about you.”
It's quiet for a long few moments. Sirius’s grip on his boyfriend’s wrists tightens as he stares into Remus’s unstable gaze. He watches as Remus’s brown eyes waver and fill with tears, Remus tries blinking them away but they come in rapid waves, his head drops back onto Sirius’s shoulder.
Sirius frowns and relaxes his grip on his boyfriend's wrists, wrapping his arms around his neck, he pulls Remus closer as he sobs into Sirius’s shoulder, “It’s okay.. I’m right here Moons..”
Remus clutches onto Sirius’s shirt, sobbing into the crook of his neck. His body shakes as he breathes in his boyfriend's smell, gasping as his breaths come in unevenly.
Sirius frowns and sighs, “Breathe Moons, breathe. We’ve been through this before, you know what to do. Common Moons..”
Remus slowly sucks in deep breaths, he nuzzles his face into the crook of his boyfriend's shoulder whispering, “I.. fuck, I- I didn’t mean to..”
Sirius's frown deepens, “Didn’t mean what Moons?”
“T- to call me.. to say.. you told me not to..” Remus panic whispers, pulling his face from Sirius's shoulder and pulling his knees back to his chest, holding his face in his hands.
“Hey, hey..” Sirius murmurs, brushing a strand of Remus’s hair out of his face, “Yes I told you not to say that word. But I’m not angry with you, I’m not mad at you I promise.”
“B- But you told me not to a- and I did..” Remus stresses, hitting his hands against his legs softly.
Sirius frowns and pulls Remus’s hands away, “I am not mad. I wouldn’t lie to you, Remus.”
Remus sucks in a deep breath, closing his eyes for a minute before opening them again, “Every nightmare I have ends with me hurting you or one of our friends and I can’t control it.”
“Exactly.”
“What?” Remus looks up at Sirius with confused eyes.
“You can’t control it. You didn’t ask to be a werewolf, and you can’t control who you are. What did I say earlier? We care about you, not what you can’t control. You’re not dangerous to us or to anyone, okay?”
Sirius talks directly to Remus’s eyes.
“Okay?” Sirius says firmly.
“Okay,” Remus nods.
Sirius smiles softly, pulling Remus into another hug, this time Remus wasn’t tense nor shaking. Sirius gently helps himself and Remus to lie down, facing each other. Sirius waits until he watches Remus relax and his breathing quiet before falling asleep himself.