Kiss me, don't tell me you love me
So, please/ hurry, leave me/ I can't breathe/ please dont say you love me/ Mune ga hachikire sode/one word from you/ and i would jump off of this ledge i'm on, baby/ tell me "don't"/ so i can crawl back in
Remus sat on his bed and sighed.
Another fight wth Sirius. Again.
People usually said Remus was a very mature boy, but when it came down to Sirius, he was as mature as a preteen girl. He wondered why, obviously. There was nothing special about his best friend.
Sirius was just...a normal bloke. Like James and Pete. Except he was everything Remus was not : extroverted, masculine, cool and popular, beautiful, stupid...
But sometimes he could be the biggest jerk of the castle : when he'd laugh at Lily, or at Snivellus (who kinda deserved it, on Remus' opinion, but still), when he'd brag about his girlfriends (read situationships), when he'd raise his infuriatingly beautiful eyebrows whenever Remus gave him an order. Obviously, Remus hated when he did that. He definitely, definitely hated it.
And now they'd fought. Again.
Remus hardly remembered why- maybe something about their last prank (turns out turning a cat into a giant slug wasn't so easy, and Filch wasn't especially happy that miss Norris now dirtied the whole school with slime and couldn't get off the ceiling).
When he thought about Sirius, hs heart ached a little : from anger, and annoyance, and maybe some melancholy. Their relationship had degraded over 6th year, with Remus...thinking about Sirius more and more, and Sirius bringing more and more girls into his bed.
He knew that inspecting every inch of Sirius' body, that looking at his lashes one by one, that shivering whenever their hands slightly touched and imagining- he knew that none of this was normal. While the marauders were dating half the girls in school (even Pete), Remus had had two experiences, and they were rather short : Mary Mcdonald, who he had dated for a month and ended up becoming his best friend ; and Emmeline Vance, but that was in 3rd year. They had shared an awkward kiss and broke it off almost instantly.
It's not that Remus isn't popular, no, girls kinda like him : he's nice, funny if you're into dry sarcasm, cute (some girls apparently have a thing for scars), mysterious and he hangs out with James and Sirius. It's that Remus doesn't want to date anyone. There's his...condition, which makes it difficult, because he doubts any girl would accept dating a monster. And there's the fact that he never really had a crush on a gir anyone.
Remus was pulled out of his thoughts by a creaking door. It was Sirius.
His wet hair was resting on his bare shoulders. Remus looked away, rolling his eyes, definitely not to avoid the sight. Because who cares. It's just...indecent.
"- Can't you at the very least wear a shirt ?"
Sirius raises his eyebrows, which was something Remus lov hates to see. Really.
"- No, I can't. Why does it bother you anyway ? "
Remus didn't have anything to answer, so he just sighed very loudly.
"- Merlin, Sirius scoffed incredulously, why on earth are you being so childish ?
- I ain't childish, I just cant deal with you anymore !
- Oh gods, what have I done this time ? Okay, maybe I shouldn't have thrown a growing spell at this stupid cat, but it bloody deserved it ! I never messed up a prank in my life ! You never get mad at Pete, for fuck's- what do you have against me ?"
Remus twitched.
"- What do you have against me ?
- Nothing ! You're the one who's been weird since september !
- Well you've been an asshole since september !" Remus knew he shouldn't have said that, he shouldn't have gone this way, but maybe it was too late to back off. "Always... dating girls, bringing the whole school to our dorms...
- And why would that matter to you ? You're my bloody mate, you're supposed to support me !
Remus closes his mouth and his eyes.
Maybe it's true. Maybe he should support Sirius, and be a good friend, instead of dreaming about his hands on his body.
Because it's disgusting and unnatural, and there's no way Sirius would ever want m step so low.
"- Why would that matter to you, Moony ? he asked in a softer tone.
- It-it doesn't ! I just...you changed. I changed. Maybe..." Remus' throat was burning, it felt like sand was pouring in it. "Maybe we're not compatible anymore. Maybe we shouldn't be...friends."
Saying that word like that hurt the both of them a bit, deep down inside, under all the layers of regret and anger and everything unsaid. Sirius blinked once, twice. It's like his face froze. Quickly, he regains composure.
"- Is that what you think ? he asked in a cold voice that pierced Remus' chest like a million blades.
- I don't know. I'm sorry if I..." Remus wasn't good at apologies. In fact, he hated them. "I'm sorry if I hurt you or made you feel bad about your... relationships. That's clearly none of my business.
- I'm sorry for being a prick."
Despite all, his voice was as cold as before.
Remus is at a breaking point where he could break into tears as much as he could punch Sirius. Or kiss him. He doesn't want to lose Sirius, that's the last thing he wants, and just thinking about it makes his sight go blurry.
Honesty, he thought, I need to be honest. I'll lose him eventually, might as well tell the truth. Or what i can tell. He deserves it.
"- I..., he breathed, I don't know what's gotten into me since last summer, I just...something happened and..." Bloody hell, why did he have to stutter like that ? "and I don't see you the same way I did. I'm sorry, it's not your fault, you're not..."
You're not the problem. I am
But he doesn't say it.
Clearly, Sirius takes it the wrong way. Maybe he thinks Remus hates him, or thinks he's not a good person or... But Sirius doesn't even imagine that Remus would want their minds to merge, their bodies to press, and... No, Remus swallows bitterly, Sirius would never think that.
He sees something change again in Sirius' face. He looks like he's hurt. But he tries to hide it. Hurting Sirius, Remus thinks, is torture. He gets close to him instinctively.
"- I-I don't mean it like that..., Remus now stumbles on his own words, I don't value you less, i'd say it's the opposite. I value you even more. But..."
And so he sees Sirius like that, his eyes covered by some sort of veil Remus never knew his friend could have and it's-
He'd rather see a look of disgust than a wounded look on Sirius' face.
So he breathes.
"- Look, I've been having thoughts, and...Sirius, look at me."
Bad idea. When he raised his eyes, they were mere centimeters away.
Remus' gaze found the pink lips in front of him.
"- What thoughts, Moony ?"
Remus watched the movement of his adams apple.
"- Uh, he cleared his throat, thoughts you probably wouldn't like."
Before either of them knew it, their mouths almost brushed. Their breaths mixed in perfect harmony yet Remus was struggling to breath right now. He instinctively took a lock of Sirius' hair and tucked it behind his ear. He didn't move his hand.
Sirius closed the gap.
And as ther lips touched softly, Remus' world collapsed. Suddenly the room felt too small, or huge, or upside down. Suddenly Remus was awkward with his body, but he was so comfortable.
Remus was a liar.
It wasn't disgusting. In fact it was the greatest thing he'd ever done. You can't want more of something disgusting.
It wasn't unnatural, on the contrary. It felt like the most natural thing ever, their mouths fitting perfectly, Sirius' half-closed eyes...
The rough hands against his skin were everything he had dreamed of since the beggining of the year, and it felt so good, and Sirius is definitely a good kisser, and his tongue
For a moment, time and space stretch, maybe a second, maybe an hour. And Sirius Black and Remus Lupin kiss. And Remus is truly happy. He doesn't think of anything else.
But Sirius pulls away and just like that the spell breaks.
"- Like this ?" he whispered.
Remus looked in his almost sleepy eyes and he could read fear, thrill, incomprehension and...was that disgust ?
Oh shit. What had he done ?
He wanted to say : yes, like this. You, me, together !
But he didn't. Instead he just stood there and stuttered like an idiot :
"- Well, n- I- not..."
What had he done ? Now Sirius is gonna hate him and stop being friends with him never speak to him again and gossip about it and say disgusting things and he'll hate me and-
He saw Sirius take a horrified expression.
"- Fuck ! Fuck, I'm so sorry. Moony- i...You're my best mate and... I don't know whats gotten into me, I wasn't thinking ! I'm so... This was a stupid mistake. It won't happen again so don't worry. I'm not...I'm not like that, of course, I-
Sirius could've punched him, or even crucio'd him and it would've hurt less. He knew that Sirius was nice, apologizing, and pretending like Remus didn't want this, even if it was all Remus' fault, but those words...
you're my best mate
a stupid mistake
It wont happen again
I'm not like that
This sentence, this sentence was already torturng Remus, because he felt the disgust, the resentment in Sirius' shaky voice. He opened his mouth and the words flooded, expressing the exact opposite of what he thought :
"- Good. Lets just...forget about that, okay ?"
No ! He wanted to scream, It's not fucking good, i don't want to forget.
He didn't want to forget. But he saw the relief on Sirius' beautiful face, which brightened for a second.
"-Thank you, Moony. You're the best."
Strangely, these words hurt more than any pain Remus had ever known.
***