October, First Year
“Guys!” James shouted as he walked into the dorm a few days into October. “Quidditch tryouts are this Sunday!”
Sirius jumped up from his spot on the bed and grabbed the notice from James’s hands. “I have to try out for beater.”
“Uh, Sirius,” Remus started, “Don’t mean to burst your bubble or anything, but they’re not going to take on a five-foot twelve-year-old to be the beater.”
“Hey! I am not five-foot,” Sirius protested, grabbing a pillow and throwing it at Remus. “I could so be a beater.”
“Try out for keeper, Sirius,” James suggested. “You can always be a beater later. You know, when you’ve…grown a little.”
“I’m not short!” Sirius snapped. Remus snorted, and Sirius walked off into the bathroom very dramatically, slamming the door shut behind him.
Peter looked up from his Herbology homework for the first time since James had entered the room and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. He looked at Regulus, who shrugged in response. Regulus had never heard Sirius say anything about wanting to be a beater before. He had never mentioned wanting to be on the Quidditch team at all, for that matter.
“I’m going to be a chaser,” James told Regulus confidently, before something seemed to occur to him. He turned to Remus. “Do you think Lily will like me if I become the Gryffindor chaser?”
Remus snorted again, and James wore the exact same angry look that Sirius had moments before. Regulus stayed curled up on Sirius’s bed with another book that Remus had recommended, until Sirius emerged from the bathroom and collapsed onto the bed, putting his legs on Regulus. Regulus pushed him off, though he was smiling.
“Reg, you’re trying out, right?” Sirius asked.
“What? No,” Regulus responded, confused.
“Come on, you’re the best at flying in your class, and you’re small, you’d make the perfect seeker,” Sirius said.
“You’re also good at flying and you’re also small,” Regulus retorted.
“I’m not short!”
In truth, the idea of being on the Quidditch team was enticing, sure. But Regulus couldn’t do it. He couldn’t represent Gryffindor like that. He still felt so out of place in Gryffindor. He had ignored whatever it was that the sorting hat was saying, because he knew that he was meant to be in Slytherin. The only reason he was in Gryffindor was to be close to his brother. It wasn’t who he truly was. He couldn’t have been the only one to realise that. And he didn’t want his parents to think that he was like Sirius. He still wanted to be a good son for them. He still wanted to make them proud. If he became the Gryffindor seeker, it would look like an act of rebellion, it would look as though he was protesting everything they were raised for. So, he wouldn’t do it.
Over the days leading up to tryouts, Sirius would bring it up constantly, insisting that he at least attempt to get on the team. He had misinterpreted Regulus’s dismissal as nerves, and so was pushing him and pushing him, and Regulus knew that if it continued, he would give in. He always did, when it came to Sirius.
At the moment, Regulus was sitting in Sirius’s dorm trying to get his homework out of the way. He’d had a long day, and just wanted to relax. He really didn’t need Sirius pressuring and questioning him, but it was what he got anyway.
“Reg, come on, you’d do great,” Sirius insisted.
Regulus was prepared to protest once more, but Remus cut in first. “For fuck’s sake, Sirius, drop it,” he snapped. “He clearly doesn’t fucking want to.”
Both Regulus and Sirius looked at Remus in surprise, this anger unlike him. Sirius narrowed his eyes. “Just because you’re pissy about having to see your family, doesn’t mean you have to take it out on us,” Sirius bit.
Regulus thought this was not only unfair, but hypocritical. Sirius tended to be snappy, easily irritated, and looking to start a fight whenever they had to go to any family gatherings. Regulus was always closest, and so was always taking the brunt of this. Not one to speak out against Sirius, Regulus did not point this out. Remus’s small outburst stopped Sirius’s incessant demand that Regulus try out, at least. Something in his defiant expression told Regulus that Sirius would bring it up again later, though.
“Fine,” Sirius huffed. “Then we should talk about our first prank of the year.”
“What about it?” Remus sighed.
“Well, it has to be big, right?” Sirius grinned. “You know how James got that Flobberworm Mucus all over him in Potions the other week?” James grumbled something unintelligible from his bed, though he was leaning in and listening intently.
“Well, we could use that stuff in a prank,” Sirius said, looking around expectantly.
“That’s all you’ve got?” Peter asked.
“Hey, it’s not a fully fleshed-out plan, it’s just an idea.” Sirius shrugged.
“Not a good one,” Remus muttered.
Sirius grit his teeth, fists clenched. Regulus knew he was trying not to get too angry. If anyone could relate to not wanting to see family, it was Sirius. But Remus was clearly getting on his nerves, and Regulus knew Sirius had never been able to control his temper.
Unsure of what else to do, Regulus got up and said he was going to the library, asking Remus if he wanted to come. Remus nodded, getting up with a curse and grabbing his hip, clearly in pain. On the way down to the library, Regulus let Remus set the pace. He hadn’t been around Remus much the days before he’d had to see his family last month, so he didn’t know if it was always like this. In any case, he felt bad for Remus. Regulus loved his mother and father, but with this tiny glimpse of freedom from their grasps, he couldn’t imagine going home every single month. Thinking this, he felt guilty.
Once in the library, Remus led them to a table next to the girl that James was always talking about, Lily. She looked up at them with a small smile and then turned back to her work. Regulus set his things down and watched as Remus had to carefully manoeuvre himself into the chair so as to not cause himself any pain.
“What homework have you got?” Remus asked quietly.
“Transfiguration, Potions, and Defence Against the Dark Arts,” Regulus replied.
He also, technically, had a project to do for Herbology. However, he was partnered with Evan and Barty, and, with Evan having heard Pandora ramble on about her own project in her excitement, and with Barty being, well, Barty, they pretty much had it covered. Regulus did not like Herbology, did not like being unclean and did not like not being able to get the dirt out from under his nails. So, just this once, he would leave it to Evan and Barty.
Regulus liked the library, because he could lose himself in his books or homework without noticing a single thing around him, such as Lily moving from her table to theirs or the quiet conversation that she and Remus were having. He finished his revision for Transfiguration, his essay for Potions, and his research for Defence Against the Dark Arts, all without taking a break.
They had their first Transfiguration exam on Monday, and Regulus was worried, as he always was, that he was unprepared. He knew he was doing well in classes, but it never felt like enough. He never felt like enough.
His Potions essay was easy, because they simply had to write about the ingredients, brewing instructions, and effects of the Wiggenweld Potion. They had made it in class the other day, and so he wrote the essay based on memory alone. He was really enjoying Potions, though it was frustrating that, without even trying, Barty would always surpass him. Regulus had gathered quickly that Barty was far smarter than he acted, and could learn everything about a topic while putting in less than half of the effort that Regulus did. It infuriated Regulus.
In Defence Against the Dark Arts, they had been instructed to do research into, but not write about, basic defensive spells and countercurses. Regulus hated this, because he wasn’t sure to what extent he was meant to read up on these things. To be safe, he read through the entire chapter in his textbook.
When Regulus finally looked up, Lily and Remus were huddled close together and reading something. Things like other people’s love lives and crushes had never really interested Regulus, and he didn’t think that dating was important, especially in their first few years of Hogwarts. But he wondered curiously if this was why James’s ‘plan to woo Lily Evans’ had not been working, if this was why Remus always seemed amused by the idea of the two being together.
Regulus cleared his throat, causing the two to look up but not move apart, as Regulus thought they might if they had something to hide. “I’m done with my work. I’m going to head to dinner.”
“I’ll come with you,” Remus said, picking up his saddle bag and following Regulus out. He seemed calmer now than he had before, so Regulus didn’t ask him about Lily, worrying it might dampen his mood.
Seeing Sirius, Remus seemed to become more tense. They sat down, Regulus between Remus and Sirius, and no one talked. Sometimes, Regulus felt as though he was missing something. With Sirius and his friends, with Barty and Evan and Pandora, with his family. He felt as though he was eternally behind, always lacking some key piece of information or being kept on the outside of an inside joke.
“We, um, thought more about the prank,” James said eventually. “We’ll tell you about it tonight.”
Remus nodded and did not say anything.
Regulus was not privy to the conversation about this prank and he felt, even more so, that something was being kept from him. It was strange, feeling further from Sirius, despite spending every day with him, than he had when Sirius was gone.
-
That Sunday was the day of the Gryffindor quidditch tryouts. Regulus had not intended to go at all, but Barty and Evan had dragged him to watch them and see if the new team was any good. The three of them sat in the stands and watched as the Gryffindor team captain, who Regulus knew to be Frank Longbottom, because he was also a prefect, instructed those who were trying out to get into lines corresponding to the position they were trying out for.
Sirius had, in the end, decided to try out for keeper instead of beater, though he didn’t seem happy about it, while James was going for chaser. Regulus recognised another student in one of the lines to be Amelia Bones.
“Reg, think your brother’s going to get on the team?” Evan asked.
Regulus honestly didn’t know. There could only be one keeper on the team, and Regulus thought Sirius would probably have a better chance going for seeker, but he wouldn’t admit this. Regulus had never seen Sirius play, so he didn’t know what to expect.
The first roles to be chosen were the chasers. Frank himself was a chaser, so there were only two spots to be filled there. A couple of people that Regulus didn’t know had a go and then waited off to the side for Frank’s conclusion. Then, it was James’s turn. James who, shockingly, was very clearly the best of them. He waited with the others, but it was obvious that he was going to make the team. There was only one other person after James to try for chaser, and Frank quickly made his decision.
James Potter and Emma Vanity would be the two new chasers for the Gryffindor quidditch team.
The moment this was announced, James ran over to Sirius and hugged him, nearly knocking him over with the force of it. Regulus looked away and swallowed the bitter taste in his mouth.
Next were the beaters. Regulus couldn’t see Sirius’s expression, but he was sure his brother was scowling. Three fifth- and seventh-year boys were lined up for the role, all much bigger than Sirius. There were only to be two beaters, and it became evident which of the three was less able than the others. One nearly fell off his broom, and Regulus didn’t think the boy’s confidence was helped by the laughter from both Sirius and Barty.
Gryffindor’s beaters were Percy Wood and Marcus Lee.
“Really wish Longbottom had chosen that other guy,” Barty said. “He would’ve at least made the game fun to watch.”
Evan snorted, nudging him. Regulus was glad they could find humour in this, but he himself didn’t know what to make of it. He probably wouldn’t have made the team even if he had tried out, so there was no loss to mourn. But watching Amelia and an older boy both attempt to become the Gryffindor seeker made him sad. Every flying class he’d been in so far had been exhilarating and yet calming, the air around him just cold enough that he felt real .
Regulus tried to silence these thoughts with others, of his parents and what they would think if he represented Gryffindor in such a way, of everyone Narcissa had warned him about and how this would only give them that much more motivation to hate him. He let the urge to fly slip out in one shaky breath and focused back on the tryouts, where Amelia had already been chosen for seeker and where Sirius was now flying up to the goalposts.
Sirius only blocked three out of five shots. Evan and Barty laughed from beside Regulus both times that he let the quaffle pass him, but Regulus knew that Sirius simply wasn’t putting in much effort. Sirius was quick, and though Regulus had never seen him fly before, he was sure that Sirius was simply uninterested in the position of keeper. The girl who followed after Sirius, Alice Fortescue, blocked four out of five.
Regulus supposed he couldn’t be annoyed at Sirius for not really trying; at least he’d shown up. Barty and Evan stood up to go, though Regulus lingered. James seemed to be comforting Sirius, and it made Regulus feel ill. He wasn’t sure why.
At lunch after tryouts, everyone around them was congratulating James, though Regulus thought James was trying not to make a big deal out of it so as to not upset Sirius.
“I’ve never heard you mention Quidditch before now,” Regulus whispered. “Why are you so upset about it?”
“I just thought it would be cool to be on the team,” Sirius replied with a shrug. “Plus, it’d really piss off Mother and Father.”
This was one of those times that Regulus realised how different he and Sirius truly were. Regulus had always admired him, wanted to be just like him, but he was never so brave as Sirius was, he could never do something solely because it would anger their parents. Sirius wanted to be on the team for the exact reason that Regulus didn’t. It was why Regulus had not confided in Sirius about this, about why he wouldn’t try out for the team. Sirius had stopped seeking their parents’ approval long ago. It was easier for him to rationalise it, Regulus supposed. There was nothing he could do anymore to make them love him. Regulus didn’t believe that. Regulus still thought that if he tried hard enough, they would be proud.
An owl swooped over the Gryffindor table and dropped a letter directly onto Regulus’s plate. Regulus reached for it with trembling hands, knowing it was from his parents but not knowing why it had taken so long or what they would have to say. Had their anger simply been festering, building and building until they could think of a reasonable punishment? He composed himself, looking around instinctively to make sure that no one had noticed his demeanour. He had been here a month, and he still turned every corner with a lurch of his stomach, waiting for the catch, sure that something would have to give, eventually.
Sirius, seeing that Regulus was simply staring at the envelope, carefully took it from his hands and tore its seal. He pulled out the letter slowly, as though it were a bomb. Regulus could feel James, Remus, and Peter eyeing them nervously.
“Regulus,” he read aloud. “You are expected to come home for Christmas to attend-”
And after that, nothing else mattered. Regulus didn’t register a single sentence after that one. He was going home. He would be separated from Sirius. That was all that mattered. He felt ill.
“Regulus,” Sirius was repeating. “Are you okay?”
Regulus shook his head and leaned into Sirius, who immediately wrapped his arms around him. They were rocking very slightly, which was not helping with the sickness but at least told him that Sirius was there. He had been so happy. He had been sure they would never spend a single Christmas apart again, and though everything else felt wrong here, it had given him hope. Hope that had been torn away.
“Regulus, please talk to me,” Sirius whispered.
“I thought…I thought I wouldn’t have to spend Christmas without you again,” Regulus admitted, quiet enough that only Sirius could hear. Memories of his last Christmas flooded his mind and he was sure he was going to throw up.
Sirius’s hold on him tightened. “I’ll come with you.”
Regulus was telling him not to, he was swearing that Sirius didn’t have to do that, but he leaned in more heavily and he knew that Sirius would do it anyway.
By that night, Remus had gone to see his family, and Sirius did not want to speak to anyone. Regulus couldn’t find Barty or Evan because, heeding Narcissa’s warning, he would not go anywhere near the Slytherin common room. At the moment, he was sitting with James, Peter, and Marlene in the Gryffindor common room. They had all been friends since they were three or four, living in the same area of London. Regulus felt very strange among them, an intruder, forcing his way into a situation none of them, including himself, wanted him to be in. All he wanted was to be with Sirius, to apologise and beg for him not to be angry. But this was Sirius’s way. He would do anything for Regulus, and Regulus knew that. He also knew that Sirius would hold it against him. He needed someone close enough to blame. Regulus would be his punching bag, so long as Sirius was there . That was enough.
Regulus looked up from his book when he realised that the talking had ceased. Peter seemed to be drawing Marlene. Marlene, who was attempting to balance her homework, quill, and inkwell on her head. Regulus could already see how badly this was going to go, as could James, he imagined, who was watching with evident amusement.
“See! Told you I could-” Marlene started, her loud brag enough to jostle her. The parchment slipped off her head, and with it, the quill and inkwell. Ink covered her clothes and the paper. Regulus would have worried that all her homework would be ruined, but he could see that, save the spill, the page was blank.
“Shit.” Marlene cursed.
James burst out laughing as he and Peter both got up to help her. James cast a cleaning spell, though this only got rid of what hadn’t seeped into Marlene’s clothes. Regulus sighed and muttered, “Scourgify.” With a wave of his wand, the ink was removed from both the parchment and Marlene’s lap.
“How’d you do that?” James asked with a frown.
“Tergeo is for liquids on surfaces, not for stains,” Regulus told him. “We just covered it in Charms.”
“Yeah, James, pay attention,” Marlene mocked. “Thanks, Reggie.”
Regulus glared at her for the use of the nickname, but was past correcting people. They never listened anyway. Marlene picked up her freshly clean parchment and groaned, complaining about the workload this year.
“It’s just a chart of the phases of the moon, Marls,” Peter reasoned. “You were supposed to have it done a week ago anyway.”
After Marlene continued to complain, Peter gave her his chart to copy. Regulus didn’t understand what could possibly be so difficult for her about the task, but did not say anything. He worried sometimes that he was similar to his mother in this way, always looking down on people, always feeling superior. And he did love his mother, really. He just didn’t want to become her.
“Done!” Marlene exclaimed happily ten minutes later.
James and Peter whooped, and Regulus couldn’t tell if they were genuinely proud of her, though he wouldn’t be surprised if they were. Regulus had realised that Marlene was not, in any way, incapable of doing the work. She simply didn’t want to. So maybe he felt a little proud as well, that she had anyway.
Marlene threw the paper on the ground—though it did not have the intended aggressive effect, just drifting down slowly—as if to prove that she had actually completed the chart. Regulus looked it over and furrowed his eyebrows.
“Do you have to make one of these every month?” Regulus asked, trying to keep a casual tone.
“Yeah, look,” Peter responded, grabbing his Astronomy folding and pulling out the September chart, with the dates and the correlating phase of the moon. Regulus nodded. 10 September, Full Moon. He looked back to Marlene’s chart. 9 October, Full Moon.
“Is something wrong?” James asked, peering over to look at Peter’s chart.
“No, nothing,” Regulus said, handing Peter the parchment.
Regulus was very sure he was wrong. He tried to cast the thought out of his mind entirely. But, as the three of them parted from Marlene to head to their dorms a half hour later, Regulus asked, “Do you guys remember what date Remus was gone last month?”
“I think it was the tenth,” James replied.
Regulus mumbled a thanks and went into his own dorm, placing his finished book on his bedside table and grabbing his pyjamas, thinking over a theory in his head that could not possibly be true.
“Earth to Regulus,” Harvey said from his bed as Regulus got into his own.
“Sorry?”
“I was asking you if you’ve studied for the Transfiguration exam tomorrow,” Harvey explained. “Eric and I haven’t. I honestly forgot we had a test.”
“Yeah, I studied,” Regulus mumbled.
Regulus thought that Harvey asked for his notes, thought that he had said yes, and thought that he went to sleep. All of this was a blur, his mind completely elsewhere.
By the time his Transfiguration class rolled around on Monday afternoon, Regulus had rationalised it. That, or he was kidding himself. It had to be a coincidence. Yes, there was some compelling evidence; the scars, the absences on both full moons that year, the irritation in the days leading up to them and exhaustion the days after. But it was a coincidence.
Regulus had other things to worry about, anyway. Like this exam. He had studied for hours, though McGonagall had assured them it was simply to understand what they were working with and how good their understanding of the subject was so far. Most of what they’d learned had been theory, which was easy for Regulus. Sirius had told him that in second-year they mostly worked on the practical aspect of things, actually learning to transfigure objects. Regulus didn’t like the idea of this, his knowledge always far more reliable than his ability.
As expected, the exam went smoothly, though Regulus’s happiness at this was quickly squashed by Barty, who had not studied for a single second but undoubtedly did better than Regulus.
“How do you do that?” Regulus questioned. “You hear things one time and can just retain it all.”
Barty shrugged. “I just have a good memory.” He waved his hand dismissively.
Regulus found this incredibly irritating, as he knew it was far more than that. Barty was top of all of his classes without even having to try. What upset Regulus further was that Barty’s father knew this, and still was never impressed. Regulus had met Barty Crouch Sr. on several occasions, and had never liked him. It wasn’t until he’d become closer to Barty, though, that he had started to despise the man. And if he couldn’t be proud of a son like Barty, what chance did Regulus have of ever being enough for his mother and father?
-
Halloween had never been important to Regulus before. There were never any Halloween-related parties that involved his family, and that was the extent of his understanding of any holiday, whether or not there was a gathering he had to attend. It tainted every memory of Christmas, New Years, and birthdays. 31 October, at home, was just another day.
Clearly this was not a shared sentiment. By Sunday evening, the night before Halloween, the entire common room was decorated with fake cobwebs, spiders, and body parts. James came rushing down the staircase into the common room, wearing a headband that attempted to make him look as though there was a knife in his head. Regulus thought he would look a lot better if he replaced the headband with a real knife. At least then he would be quiet.
“It just sucks that no one here wears costumes,” James was complaining. “Halloween at home was always loads of fun. I’d always go trick-or-treating with my parents.”
“You’d do what?” Regulus questioned.
“Trick-or-treating?” James repeated, as though Regulus should know what this was.
“You knock on people's doors and ask for sweets,” Sirius explained from beside Regulus.
Regulus thought this sounded strange. He also thought it was amusing that James could believe their parents were the type to take their children out in silly costumes, knocking on strangers’ doors for treats. They weren't allowed sweets anyway, let alone ones from muggles.
“Anyway, I went as Spider-Man one year. Do you remember that, Pete?” James asked, then turned back to Regulus and continued without waiting for an answer. “Spider-Man is this muggle comic. A comic is like a book with pictures, but way cooler than the ones for kids. And I guess they made the Spider-Man movies, too. I would go as Spider-Man again if anyone here dressed up.”
The looks on Remus, Peter, and Sirius’s faces told Regulus that this was not the first time James had gone on a Spider-Man-related tangent. Regulus did not want to listen to this. He did not want to listen, and yet something about James’s excitement drew him in, the wild gestures and the way his eyes lit up with happiness at such a simple thing. Unintentionally, Regulus came out of the conversation knowing the entire history and story of the Spider-Man comics, and not happy about it.
Classes on Halloween went as normal, save attempted pranks and scares from random students that impressed no one. In the late afternoon, Regulus sat in the common room attempting to do his homework. This was difficult, though, with music playing and people all seeming a little louder. Regulus couldn’t see why Halloween was an excuse to ruin his day.
“Reg,” Sirius spoke as he sat in the chair next to Regulus. He leaned in and whispered, “We’re going to go to the kitchens and mess with Slytherin’s food for the feast tonight, put Flobberworm Mucus in it.”
“That can’t be safe,” Regulus said in response. “And why all the Slytherins? Most of them have never done anything to you.”
“It’s not about the individuals, Reggie. It’s about what they stand for,” Sirius explained, as though this was reason enough. Regulus didn’t think the Slytherins ‘stood for’ anything. It was meant to be in a Gryffindor’s nature, Regulus had observed, to hate Slytherins. But Regulus knew it was more personal to Sirius than that, more about their family and how they had been raised.
“Well, I can’t,” Regulus said. “I have to finish my homework. If I don’t keep up with my work, Mother and Father-”
“Mother and Father,” Sirius started, disgust heavy in his tone, “aren’t going to care , Regulus. You’ve already let them down. It doesn’t matter what you do or how good your grades are. They won’t love you.”
Regulus turned his head to hide the tears daring to spill. His eyes burned with it all, with sadness and with anger, and with a small, vomit-inducing inkling that Sirius was right. Regulus had chosen Gryffindor and, in doing so, had betrayed his parents. In their eyes, he was rebelling just as Sirius was, trying to find a way out of doing what he was born to do. He wanted to talk to them, to promise them that he could be good and was worthy of their love. But was he?
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” Sirius tried.
“Go away, Sirius,” Regulus whispered. Sirius left for his dorm, and Regulus tried not to think too much of it.
Regulus didn’t see Sirius or any of his friends leave the common room, though he was not gullible enough to believe that his brother, determined and stubborn as he was, had given up on his plan. He was not feeling any better by dinner, and did not want to witness whatever reaction the Slytherins had towards the prank. The only reason he went downstairs at all was to warn Barty and Evan of the tainted food.
“They did what ?” Barty laughed. “Oh, I need to see this.”
“I don’t. I’m going to bed,” Regulus mumbled.
“It’s six in the evening,” Evan pointed out.
Regulus shrugged and left anyway, uninterested in every part of this. He was sure Sirius would tell him the story in the morning. His brother never was good at apologies, opting to move on without talking it out. Regulus was good at forgiveness, though, when it came to Sirius. He didn’t know if it was fair, but it had always been that way. Regulus suspected it always would be.