November, First Year
Regulus did not go down for breakfast the day after Halloween. He wasn’t sure why, exactly, just that his body felt too heavy to pull out of bed as early as seven in the morning. He had to lug himself down the staircase, out of the common room, all the way to the greenhouse. Once he was outside and waiting for Madam Pomfrey, Barty threw an arm around his shoulder.
“I think the whole school hates your brother,” Barty joked.
“I’m not surprised,” Regulus mumbled. He leaned into Barty unintentionally. Regulus had gone to sleep early the night before, he didn’t understand why he was so exhausted. His face felt hot even with the autumn chill.
After Evan appeared at Barty’s side, the three of them walked into the greenhouse with the other Gryffindors and Slytherins. Herbology was not a subject that Regulus excelled in, by any means. He stood a little behind Barty and Evan as they did the actual work. Regulus smelled the plants and thought, for some reason, of Peter, who seemed to always have dirt under his fingernails and talked constantly about the wonders of plants and flowers. Regulus did not understand the appeal as he looked around the filthy place. Still, he stayed near Barty and Evan in case they asked him for help, though they didn’t, which he was grateful for.
Somehow, by the end of the class, the two were covered in dirt, all tangled in their hair. Regulus made sure to keep his distance, as Barty liked to grab onto his friends, as if holding them for support, and Regulus did not want to end up drenched in filth.
They exited the greenhouse, and Regulus parted ways with them to head to History of Magic, a class the Gryffindors shared with Hufflepuff. Regulus had to sit alone in this class, as he knew none of the Hufflepuffs and was not comfortable around any of the Gryffindors. Regulus seemed to be the only one paying any attention to Professor Binns as he droned on. No one enjoyed History of Magic, it was unambiguously the worst class. Regulus did not enjoy many of his classes, though, so he didn't understand why this one specifically was so bad for the others.
Professor Binns was talking about wars and battles, and what side the werewolves had been on, and for a moment, Regulus was reminded of his theory, though the thought was quickly pushed aside by an ache in his gut that persisted throughout the rest of the class.
Regulus’s last class before lunch was Defence Against the Dark Arts, where he met back up with Barty and Evan. There was a sickness building inside of Regulus, and he clutched the desk to choke down the wave of dizziness that overcame him as he moved to sit down.
“You okay?” Evan asked quietly.
Regulus nodded, though even this made him nauseous. He attempted to listen throughout the class, but when he looked at his notes by the end, he found that he had written only a few short sentences, all of it unintelligible. It was not at all recognisable as the handwriting of the same boy who had gone through tedious classes daily, at his mother’s command, to perfect his cursive before attending Hogwarts.
By lunch, Regulus felt as though he was being dragged along by Barty and Evan, who both kept steadying hands on him from the classroom down to the Great Hall. They walked him over to where Sirius and his friends were sitting, with promises to check up on him before the end of lunch.
“Reg? What's wrong?” Sirius asked, eyebrows furrowed in concern.
“‘M fine,” Regulus assured, though it came out slightly slurred and Regulus covered his mouth for fear of throwing up at the sight of the food before him.
“You look pale and you’re sweating,” Sirius said, frowning. “Come on, I’ll take you to Madam Pomfrey.”
Regulus was going to protest, but he felt the bile rising in his throat and thought better of it. He also did not protest, although he would have liked to, when James, Peter, and Remus all followed after them. He wanted to say that he was fine, and that he couldn’t miss class, but he worried Sirius would repeat the things he had said the day before, and then Regulus would surely vomit.
Once they had arrived at the hospital wing, Sirius walked over to an empty bed and sat Regulus at the end of it. Sirius might have said something to Madam Pomfrey, who might have asked something of Regulus, but it was all lost in another one of those blurs, a haze overcoming his memory of any of it.
“This shouldn’t take too long to kick in,” Madam Pomfrey informed Regulus as she put a glass to his lips. “It’s just a fever, you’ll feel better soon.”
After downing the contents of the glass, Regulus was pushed onto his back in the bed. He didn’t understand why everyone was making such a big deal out of this, he just wanted to go back to class. Had he missed class? He didn’t know what time it was.
“I’m so sorry, Regulus,” Sirius was saying. Regulus didn’t want to have this conversation in front of the other three. “For what I said yesterday.”
Regulus knew Sirius would not be apologising had he not been ill, and so he didn’t say anything in response past, “I need to get back to class.”
“I have written you an absence slip, Mr. Black, explaining to your head of house that you are ill,” Madam Pomfrey assured him, though this did nothing to soothe Regulus’s nerves. He had a very deeply ingrained worry that if he was not present for every class, every conversation, every moment, he would miss something, and the world would move on without him.
Despite his many attempts to convey this without sounding pathetic, Regulus was repeatedly pushed back into the bed. Sirius sat with him, and Regulus was not sure what was making him feel worse, the lingering sting of his brother’s words or the pain in his head and stomach. He hoped the blurriness was the sickness and not tears.
“Sirius, we have to get back to class,” James said gently.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Sirius responded, leaving no room for argument.
Once they were alone, Sirius clung to Regulus, and Regulus could not help but cling right back. They didn’t get many moments like this, not with Sirius’s friends always near. In the two months that Regulus had been at Hogwarts, he had felt himself slowly drifting away from Sirius, though the realisation only hit him then, holding onto Sirius’s hand and feeling younger than he had since he’d gotten here.
“I feel fine, Sirius, you should go,” Regulus mumbled, and hoped that he wouldn’t.
“I’m so sorry,” Sirius was saying, not even seeming to hear Regulus.
Within a half hour, Regulus felt better. He sat up in the bed slowly and did not let go of Sirius’s hand. He wondered if Sirius would have eventually apologised if Regulus wasn’t sick, deciding quite quickly that he wouldn’t have and not knowing whether he would have preferred it that way.
“I’m sorry, Regulus,” Sirius said once more, as if in case Regulus had not heard him the first twenty times.
“I know, Sirius,” Regulus replied. “It’s okay.”
Regulus did not say ‘You were right’ despite how much he thought it, as though admitting it would somehow make it real. But Regulus would not believe it, he refused to. He could be good enough. He could study and he could do as well in Gryffindor as he would have in Slytherin. His house did not have to define him. It did not have to become a sign of rebellion. He could be a Gryffindor and still make his parents proud.
Somehow, despite Regulus’s objection, he and Sirius ended up in the Gryffindor common room, where Sirius insisted that Regulus lie on the sofa and listen as his brother read to him. Sirius made up voices for all the characters as he had when they were little, and Regulus felt like a child again. Not younger, necessarily, but more his age. He so often forgot that he was only eleven, he had been thrust into maturity so young. It was nice to feel like a child.
“Merlin, this book is depressing,” Sirius complained, tossing the book into a nearby armchair. “Can we do something fun later?”
“Like what?” Regulus asked through a laugh.
“Hm…we could steal some brooms and go into Hogsmeade,” Sirius suggested.
Regulus was not at all on board with this plan. In fact, he thought it was a terrible idea, with possibly detrimental effects if they were caught, which he was sure they would be. But his brother grabbed his hand and dragged him up to his dorm, and he was sure he would do anything Sirius asked.
“Okay, don’t tell James I showed you this,” Sirius warned. He reached under James’s bed and felt around for a moment before pulling out a box. He opened it and threw something over his body, and suddenly he was gone. He pulled it off just enough to reveal his head. “See? Awesome, right?”
“Is this how you snuck into the kitchen the other night?” Regulus asked, not even trying to hide his astonishment. Sirius just nodded proudly.
As they waited for night to fall, Remus, Peter, and James got back one by one, and with each person entering, Regulus felt a little further from his brother. For a few hours, Regulus had had Sirius all to himself again. Now, he once again felt as though he was on the outside of their lives, an intruder in their world.
Sirius told them of their plan, and Regulus didn’t see where he fit into any of it, of this or of Sirius’s life. He pushed down the thoughts, deciding that he was being childish and he should just move on.
“We aren’t all going to fit under the invisibility cloak, you realise that, right?” Remus pointed out.
“Well, it’s my cloak, so I’m coming. And it was Sirius’s idea,” James said.
“So, me, you, and Regulus,” Sirius decided.
“I’m not going,” Regulus mumbled. He no longer wanted to be a part of this, not to watch Sirius worship James as he always did. The two were inseparable, they had referred to themselves as brothers so often that Regulus loathed James for it.
So, without much objection from Sirius, Regulus ended up waiting with Peter while Sirius, James, and Remus attempted to sneak into Hogsmeade. All Regulus wanted was to find Barty and Evan, see Pandora, or be alone. He had no problem with Peter, but he did not feel comfortable alone with him. Peter seemed to share this awkward feeling, as he began his homework and did not say a word to Regulus for the first hour that they waited.
As Regulus started working on a chart he had to fill out for Astronomy, Peter peered over. “What are you doing?”
“Um, I have to label all the stars and constellations,” Regulus replied, holding up the chart. “I know all of them already. Our mother made us learn.”
“Oh, yeah. Sirius really helped me out last year. I would have failed Astronomy if he hadn’t told me all the answers,” Peter laughed. Regulus nodded and went back to his work, but thought for a moment and looked back up.
“What about you?” Regulus tried.
“Herbology homework,” Peter told him with a smile. How anyone could smile while talking about Herbology, Regulus was not entirely sure. “Don’t you find it so fascinating? I love plants and nature. I especially like learning about muggle plants, because some have crazy healing effects and it’s so cool. They don’t have magic and yet they have plants that can help heal you? It’s awesome.”
Regulus did not realise this was possible, but, through hearing Peter’s excitement at the subject, he developed a new appreciation for it. He still wouldn’t touch any of the gross stuff, though.
Sirius, James, and Remus did not arrive back at the dorm until gone midnight. Regulus had been so sure that they’d gotten caught, until the door opened, seemingly on its own, and closed just the same. The three threw the cloak off of themselves with triumphant grins.
“We stole so many sweets,” Sirius informed Regulus and Peter, bounding towards his bed to empty his pockets.
“We didn’t steal them!” James insisted. “We left gold!”
Sirius waved a dismissive hand and sorted through the sweets, only interrupted by the sound of Remus already opening some. “Hey! Those are for my birthday!”
“You expect me to wait two days?” Remus asked, gaping.
“Yes!”
-
On the morning of Sirius’s birthday, he managed to configure a goblet into a crown, which he wore all throughout breakfast. After three rounds of ‘Happy birthday’, Regulus was quite sick of it, though Sirius seemed to be basking in the attention. He couldn’t blame him, really. This was only his second birthday not celebrated with an awful gathering organised by their parents.
An idea seemed to pop into James’s head. “Hey, Marlene?” He started. “You’re friends with Lily, right?”
“Absolutely not, Jamie boy,” Marlene laughed. “Not a chance.”
James groaned, while Sirius smiled as though his failure was the best possible birthday gift. ‘James Potter’s plan to woo Lily Evans’ was still on step two, after having skipped step one, and Regulus couldn’t say he minded watching James fail.
Marlene got up to head to class, though not before planting a kiss on Sirius’s cheek with a loud smack of her lips.
“I have to go, too,” Regulus mumbled. “Happy birthday. Love you.”
“Love you,” Sirius said through a mouthful of cake.
Regulus made his way down to the dungeons for Potions, finding Barty and Evan already waiting for him. The three of them entered the classroom and Regulus smiled stiffly before walking towards his usual table with Amelia, Jade, and Harvey.
There was a sort of peacefulness to potion-making that Regulus enjoyed, though the feeling didn’t seem mutual. Whenever he looked around in class, the other students—save Barty, of course—seemed stressed, frustrated that their potions were not going as intended. Regulus found it quite intuitive, though. If his potion looked wrong, it was typically easy to gauge what he had too much or too little of. By the looks of it, not many possessed this ability.
“Ah, wonderful as usual, Mr. Black,” Slughorn praised, momentarily resting a meaty hand on Regulus’s shoulder and making him flinch.
“Wonderful as usual, Mr. Black,” Harvey repeated in a quiet, mocking tone once Slughorn had moved on. Regulus could not tell if he was trying to be funny or mean. In case it was the latter, he did not look up.
Towards the end of the hour, there was a loud bang to Regulus’s left. His head shot up, only to see that Barty was laughing, his potion splattered across the classroom walls. Slughorn made to berate him, though his reprimands went unheard over the Slytherin students’ amusement.
“In my defence, Professor, I finished making the potion ten minutes into class,” Barty laughed.
“You’re too smart for your own good, Mr. Crouch,” Slughorn sighed, cleaning the walls with a flick of his wand and a muttered spell.
Regulus could never seem to stop himself from hating Barty for the ease with which he excelled. Sure, Regulus was second in most of his classes, but he had to work for it. It seemed like all he did was study. Barty could just show up and be the best at everything. Regulus wondered if he would ever get to come in first.
After classes, Regulus, Barty, Evan, and Pandora sat in the courtyard. They were all meant to be finishing their homework, to Regulus’s understanding, yet he seemed to be the only one actually doing it. The other three were all talking over one another, and Regulus didn’t know why, since there was no way they were hearing each other. But Regulus had quickly learned to tune them out, so he simply focused on his work as the others talked.
Regulus felt a little guilty, not being with Sirius on his birthday. But something was keeping him, making him feel unwanted among them. He would go to the party that Sirius was having in the Gryffindor common room, of course, but for now, he stayed away.
“Reg, can I copy your homework?” Evan asked, throwing himself to the ground beside Regulus.
“Why don’t you copy Barty’s?” Regulus wondered.
“I haven’t done it,” Barty answered for Evan. “I’ll do it before class tomorrow.”
Regulus sighed and handed Evan his now-finished Transfiguration homework, which Evan immediately started copying. Regulus had this uncomfortable fear, always heavy in his stomach, that if he did not do everything that was asked of him, he would not be loved. It was just homework, for now, but Regulus wondered how far he would be willing to go to earn people’s acceptance.
“Would you come with me to Sirius’s birthday party?” Regulus asked the three of them. He rarely felt so at ease as he did with his friends, never felt so uncomfortable as he did around large groups of people. He hoped the two would balance each other out.
“Yes!” Pandora answered eagerly, and Regulus wasn’t entirely sure she had even heard. Pandora just enjoyed being around her people. Regulus couldn’t complain, really.
Barty and Evan both agreed as well, and so a couple of hours later, the four of them made their way to the Gryffindor common room, and Regulus was at least thankful to not be the only person who didn’t belong, despite being a Gryffindor himself. Sitting around in a circle, most everyone on the floor, Sirius was being handed gifts and cards. Regulus was sitting across from his brother, and he hated it. Whenever they were in group settings, Regulus sat next to him. They would share glances or whispers and it would all be okay, because it was them against everyone else, they were a single being, and Regulus was never alone. But like this, Regulus was just another person to Sirius.
James handed Sirius a card, a vinyl, and a muggle comic that James insisted he read. Remus gave him a book, Peter a card decorated with pressed flowers. Marlene and Mary had together given him a pair of trousers that they had seen in a muggle clothes shop over the summer. Other people that Regulus did not know gave his brother presents. Regulus had nothing to give.
Music played loudly in the background, and no one was paying any attention to Regulus. Not that he wanted people to pay attention to him, really. He didn’t exactly like being invisible, either. He craved a moment alone with Sirius, maybe to apologise for not giving him a gift, maybe to just be. In any case, whatever sense of comfort he had felt with his friends dissipated very quickly. Regulus wondered how it was possible that he felt so far from Sirius despite seeing him every day.
At some point, someone, a sixth-year, had taken out a pack of cigarettes. Regulus, trying to focus on anything other than the tightness of his throat, looked around to try to gauge people’s reactions to the offer. Peter and James were refusing, Remus already held one between his fingers, and Sirius took one with a grin. He looked to Remus’s hands as if to understand how to hold the cigarette properly. He inhaled and immediately started coughing. Some of the older students laughed, while Remus told him calmly not to inhale so deeply. Regulus just watched, until Sirius held out the cigarette to him wordlessly. Feeling as though he had already failed, Regulus took it. He would not mess up further, would not ruin Sirius’s day more than he already had.
Regulus took a small hit and still ended up coughing. Maybe everyone else felt cool or grown up. Regulus just felt sad, as though he was giving up a childhood he had never had in the first place.
As the night went on, more and more people retired to their dorms, until eventually Barty, Evan, and Pandora had to leave as well. Regulus finally moved to sit beside Sirius, and felt that he could breathe just a little bit better.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get you a present,” Regulus mumbled, almost hoping that Sirius wouldn’t hear him.
“What?” Sirius replied, sounding genuinely confused.
“All of your friends got you presents,” Regulus elaborated quietly. “I didn’t realise I had to.”
“That’s because you didn’t have to, Reggie,” Sirius assured him, shuffling closer. “I didn’t even think about it, to be honest. I’m just happy you’re here. My last birthday sucked without you.”
Regulus smiled at him and rested his head on Sirius’s shoulder, remembering that, even among these new people in this new place, Sirius was still Sirius. They hadn’t changed. They were still one being.
Safe. Safe. Safe.
-
Teenage years did not seem to make Sirius any more mature or any less bitter. The following Saturday was the first Quidditch match of the season, and Sirius did not say a word to James for the entirety of breakfast. There was a small sense of satisfaction that Regulus felt at the sight of James’s disillusioned expression. For once, he was not the centre of Sirius’s attention.
As soon as breakfast was over, the Gryffindor team all left to get changed and warmed up. Sirius glared at James as he left, and Regulus felt a little guilty for how happy it made him. It wasn’t that he wanted Sirius to hate James. But since the moment they’d met, James was all Sirius could ever talk about. Regulus was just happy that, for once, Sirius was sticking to his side instead of following James everywhere.
A little while later, the rest of the school made their way to the Quidditch pitch. Regulus, Sirius, Remus, and Peter sat together in the stands, waiting for the Slytherin and Gryffindor teams to emerge from their respective entrances. If he could, Regulus would skip the entire game. For one thing, none of this really mattered to him. It was all about house pride and rivalry, neither of which he enjoyed. And for another, he did not want to witness what he might have had if he had just tried out for the team, or if he had been in Slytherin after all. He clapped when everyone else clapped, and was silent when Sirius screamed profanities about the Slytherins.
Gryffindor lost to Slytherin, 50 points versus 210. It made sense; the Slytherin team was made up of older students, who had clearly trained more. Sirius complained the whole way up to the castle about the unfairness, how the Slytherin team was the exact same as last year, and so they knew how to work together, where Gryffindor had only recently been put together. Regulus didn’t know how any of this was unfair, but said nothing.
By the time James met up with the four of them in the dorm, Sirius’s anger at him had evaporated. He continued to talk with James about the match, about how he played brilliantly and how it wasn’t his fault. Regulus watched as the two formed their own world, as they so often did.
“I hate when they’re like this,” Peter commented out of the blue.
“Like what?” Regulus asked.
“Sometimes James and Sirius forget about everyone else,” Peter elaborated. “Like no one else matters. It’s not really fair to the rest of us, you know? I mean, James is supposed to be my best friend, anyway. We’ve been friends since we were three, and now he’s always too busy with Sirius to notice me.”
Regulus did not respond, but gave a look that he hoped showed he understood what Peter meant. Because he did, he understood so well, he knew that feeling so intimately that it made him sick just to see his brother with James. Regulus had never really thought about it, about how he might not have been the only one abandoned.
After Slytherin’s win over Gryffindor, Regulus knew he couldn’t be around Barty and Evan, at least for the rest of the week. Sirius, though he was no longer quite so critical of who Regulus chose to be friends with, was still very clearly unhappy that Regulus spent so much time with Barty and Evan. This feeling would only be increased tenfold after the hit to Gryffindor’s pride. Regulus still couldn’t understand why, exactly, it mattered so much. At any rate, he would stay away for now. However, this left Regulus spending the entirety of his weekend with his brother and his friends, or else alone.
Being alone at Hogwarts was very different, Regulus had realised, to being alone at home. At home, being alone was a good thing, a moment’s peace from his mother’s watchful eyes or his father’s passive insults. Being alone at Hogwarts was suffocating. Being around people was the same. Regulus wanted to love Hogwarts the way Sirius did, but he just couldn’t.
The one respite he had was going to the library with Remus Sunday evening. As she always seemed to be, Lily was there when they arrived. Regulus and Remus put their things down and sat beside her. Having finished all of his homework by Friday, Regulus pulled out a book to read instead, as Remus and Lily started talking about their own work.
Regulus was now on his fifth book of the year, steadily making his way through the list that Remus had given him in September. If he was not in class or working, he was reading. Allowing himself to get lost in fiction was the only way Regulus could seem to focus on anything. Things were so often hazy for Regulus, memories blurring at the edges. He remembered everything he read, though. It made him feel a little less lost.
While reading, Regulus focused on nothing else, tuned everything out. Until Remus mentioned that he would be away the next Tuesday, staying with his family. Regulus had forgotten about his silly theory, because it was just that, silly. It was stupid, really. But Regulus was so sure that the full moon was on the 8th, on Tuesday.
When they went back to the dorms that night, Regulus found Peter in the common room and asked, as casually as he could, “Hey, can I see your phases of the moon chart for this month?”
“Uh, yeah, sure,” Peter said with a somewhat confused smile. “It’s in the dorm in my folder. James is up there, he’ll let you in and you can look at it.”
After thanking Peter, Regulus hurried up to the dorm, unsure of why he was rushing or why he was even entertaining the idea that they’d let a werewolf into the school. This was Remus, anyway. He was not dangerous. He knocked on the dormitory door, and it swung open after a moment to reveal James.
“Oh, hey, Reg,” James greeted with a grin. Regulus just nodded and walked over to Peter’s bed-side table, where he kept all of his school things. “Er, what are you doing?”
“Looking for something. Peter said I could,” Regulus mumbled, finding the chart. And just as he’d thought, the full moon was on Tuesday. Could it really be a coincidence that, for the last three months, Remus had gone away on every full moon? How would he even ask something like that? For now, he put away the chart and stood up.
“Found what you were looking for?” James asked.
“Yeah, thanks,” Regulus muttered, leaving the dorm without another glance at James, who made him strangely uncomfortable.
Regulus made his way to his own dorm for an early night, thinking over what he might do about his suspicions, if they could possibly have any truth to them.
Remus was not at breakfast on Wednesday, so Regulus didn’t see him until lunch, when he was resting his head on the table and could barely eat, which was so unlike him that Regulus was worried before he was wary. There was a new cut drawing up the back of his neck, and Regulus wondered how no one else had put two and two together before.
Everything Regulus knew about werewolves told him they were cruel, vicious, and vile. He watched Remus’s face for any trace of it, of something dangerous, but found nothing. Regulus didn’t know if it was his view of werewolves or his theory that Remus was one that was flawed. Remus lifted his head just enough to catch Regulus’s eyes and smile. Whatever else was true of Remus, he was a good person.
-
“Reg!” Sirius called as Regulus was making his way towards the portrait hole. “Where are you going? We were supposed to study together.”
“Oh, sorry, I forgot,” Regulus replied, though he knew that Sirius hadn’t actually told him this, and had just expected him to be available. “I’m supposed to be helping Evan with his homework.”
“Can’t you do that some other time?” Sirius groaned.
Regulus frowned, and did not understand why Sirius was allowed to prioritise his friends but Regulus wasn’t. Of course, he wanted to spend time with his brother. But not the way things worked when they were at Hogwarts, not constantly surrounded by his friends. If the choice was between Regulus’s friends and his brother, it would be his brother every time, without a second thought. That wasn’t the choice, though.
“No, he needs my help with this,” Regulus replied, hoping Sirius didn’t realise how difficult a decision this was for him, how something so simple could cause him so much anxiety. “I’ll study with you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, whatever,” Sirius muttered, walking away. Regulus had to stop himself from running after him and apologising. He didn’t even know what he was meant to be sorry for.
As Regulus helped Evan with his homework—which, more than anything, consisted of repeatedly telling Evan to listen to him instead of just copying Regulus’s work—, Sirius weighed heavy on his mind. He never said no to his brother, never turned him down. Guilt ate away at him, and he didn’t know why. He didn’t know what he had done wrong, just that Sirius was angry, and he couldn’t bear it.