September, First-Year
Regulus didn’t know why he was so scared to start classes, just that he was. He had done all of the suggested reading, and he knew he was prepared. But if he didn’t do well, if he couldn’t keep up… He had already disappointed his parents by being sorted into Gryffindor, though he had yet to receive a letter or a howler or any sign that his parents remember him at all. He couldn’t bear the thought of letting them down further by doing badly in his classes.
"Reg, you have to eat something,” Sirius said, nudging him.
Regulus tried, getting down what he could. Classes started in half an hour and his hands were trembling as he brought the food to his mouth. He looked across at Remus, who had five different plates and two cups of tea. Regulus smiled slightly, encouraged a little to finish his own singular plate of breakfast.
As he exited the Great Hall, Regulus desperately wanted to cling to his brother, wanted to grab Sirius’s arm and stop him from leaving. Sirius must have sensed this, as he always did, and turned to look at Regulus.
“You’ll be fine, Reggie,” Sirius assured him, placing his hands on Regulus’s arms. “I love you.”
“I love you,” Regulus mumbled, looking around before surging forward to wrap his brother in a hug that Sirius easily returned.
Regulus’s first class was Charms. Sirius had told him that classes often mixed two houses, and apparently, Regulus had Charms with Ravenclaw. The only other person waiting at the classroom’s door when he got there early was the girl from the train, who looked just as distant and strange as she had then.
“Oh. Hello,” the girl said when she noticed he was there. “I’m Pandora.”
“Regulus,” he responded, clearing his throat.
She nodded and moved to his side, to his surprise. She hadn’t introduced herself on the train, had just walked past him. What had changed?
“I’m quite excited for Charms. I’d hoped I’d have the class with my brother, though,” she told him. It felt as though she was looking more into him than at him. “He’s in Slytherin. His name is Evan. Ravenclaws and Slytherins don’t seem to share many classes, which is sad.”
There was something nice about her, trustworthy, though Regulus didn’t know what it was. Maybe he simply wanted to know everyone, wanted to make as many friends to make up for lost time. “My brother is a year above me, so we don’t have any classes together.”
“That’s sad. Unless you’re not close with him. Are you?” Pandora asked, speaking quickly and not at all seeming worried about being intrusive.
“Yes. Very.”
“I’m close with my brother as well. We’re twins. I’ve never lived in a world without him,” she spoke, with the first change in tone since they had started their conversation. It had all been quite monotone until she talked of her brother. Regulus understood.
After about five minutes, in which Pandora continued to talk but did not make very much sense, other students began showing up. Regulus only recognised Peter’s sister and his roommates, Charlie Bell, Harvey Clearwater, and Eric Macdonald. He had yet to talk to them, really, save pleasantries here and there. He wasn’t good at getting to know people, as the only people he’d met outside of his family were other purebloods at family gatherings he was obligated to attend. So far, the only people he had become friends with, or some strange stage between acquaintanceship and friendship, were those who had spoken to him first.
Finally, the doors to the classroom opened, and the flood of students entered and found their seats. Pandora sat next to Regulus, which made him strangely happy.
“Good morning, class, my name is Professor Flitwick!” The goblin, standing on a stack of books, greeted with a pleasant smile.
The class chorused a greeting in response.
Charms went well, to Regulus’s surprise. He knew he’d possibly overprepared, skimming through the entirety of the textbook multiple times since he bought it in Diagon Alley. He liked to know what to expect. But the rest of the class seemed quite behind. After two or three attempts, Regulus had levitated the feather with ease. He spent the last half of class showing Pandora how he had done it, and by the end, she, too, had the feather up in the air. Her happiness at the achievement was contagious, and Regulus felt a little less nervous about the rest of his classes.
Pandora stopped him outside of the classroom, putting her hand flat on his chest as though Regulus might try to run away. “What class do you have now?” She asked him.
“Potions,” he replied immediately. He may have memorised his timetable already.
Pandora looked down at the timetable in her hand, frowning slightly. “Oh. I’ve got Herbology. I guess I’ll see you later then.”
Regulus bid her farewell and headed to the dungeons for Potions. He followed the other students in his house down to the dungeons and into the classroom, where a professor was ushering them in with a wide smile.
The Gryffindors around him glared at the other students, who Regulus quickly realised were Slytherins. It was so strange to him that this rivalry was deep-rooted in all of them, as though it was a genetic hatred. It was their first day and already there was tension. Regulus didn’t understand it. He kept his head down and ignored the eyes burning into him. He was considered a traitor to many of the Slytherins who came from pureblood families, as was Sirius.
The professor seemed oblivious to this hostility, or he was simply choosing to ignore it. His smile widened further as he looked around the room. He introduced himself as Professor Slughorn, and clearly, he believed in a hands-on approach, as he was having them attempt a basic forgetfulness potion in the very first class.
“Now, these take about an hour to brew, so we won’t know until tomorrow who succeeded,” Slughorn was telling them as he went around, peering over their shoulders to look in their cauldrons.
“Ah, perfect, Mr. Crouch,” he said, and, hearing the name, Regulus’s head whipped up to see Barty Crouch Junior. They had known each other since they were children, as Barty had been at every one of his parents’ gatherings.
Smirking, Barty caught Regulus’s eye. Regulus had expected Barty’s face to fall, for his expression to turn cold and for him to look at Regulus like a traitor, as all the others had. Instead, his smirk seemed to widen, and he winked.
Regulus forced his confusion down and went back to working on his own potion. By the time Slughorn reached the table he shared with Jade, Harvey, and a girl who had introduced herself as Amelia Bones, Regulus’s potion was looking good. He thought. He started doubting himself when Slughorn was approaching him. But Slughorn grinned (this didn’t tell Regulus much, as he always seemed to be smiling) and put a hand on Regulus’s shoulder.
“Wonderful, Mr. Black!” Slughorn exclaimed. Regulus hid his smile, composing himself as his mother had always told him to do.
As they left the class and Regulus was heading for the stairs, a voice from behind him called, “Reggie!”
Regulus turned around and glared at Barty, though there was no real anger in it. Barty walked towards him with a shit-eating grin. “Can’t believe you’re a Gryffindor,” Barty said, both amused and incredulous.
“Me neither,” Regulus responded honestly.
“How pissed off are your parents?” Barty asked, his tone softening very slightly. Regulus knew that if there was one thing they had in common, it was angry parents.
Regulus frowned and looked away. “I…don’t know. They haven’t said anything yet.”
“That’s worse,” Barty laughed humourlessly.
“Yeah.”
Something passed between them, a deep understanding, the start of something.
“You got Defence Against the Dark Arts next?” Barty asked.
Regulus nodded, and Barty’s smirk returned. He called for a boy who Regulus had never met before, Rosier, but who he knew at once was Pandora’s brother. His eyes were the same, save that distant look, and his hair was that near-white blond just like Pandora’s. Together, they walked to the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, and Regulus wasn’t entirely sure how it had happened, how moments prior he’d thought Barty would hate him and make his life hell for betraying who he was meant to be. Now, they sat together at the back of the class, and Regulus felt almost comfortable.
The professor came out from his office at the top of a staircase in the classroom. He stood on the landing for a moment and looked out at all of them, before walking down the stairs and leaning against his desk.
“My name is Professor Keys,” the man said, still eyeing the class, his gaze careful, almost calculating. Regulus was reminded of Alphard. “Defence Against the Dark Arts is a vital subject, though you may not believe it yet. I implore you to pay attention, take note of everything I tell you to, and try your very hardest in this class.”
It was the same speech they’d gotten from the other teachers, though Keys delivered it with an air of grave earnest that had them all leaning in just a little bit closer. Well, everyone except Barty, who was very purposely leaning back so that only the back legs of the chair were on the floor, and Evan, who looked to be half-asleep with his head resting in his arms on the table.
As Professor Keys had instructed, Regulus wrote down almost everything he said. He’d hoped for a practical lesson, but it was all theory, for the time being.
“I know that some of you are eagerly awaiting the more…enticing topics; werewolves, vampires, and learning new spells,” Professor Keys said, the class eagerly nodding. “However,” and there was a collective sigh of disappointment at this, “it is vital that you understand everything I’m telling you. None of what I teach you is to be taken lightly or treated dismissively. This world is a dangerous one, and what you learn in this class may save your life one day.
“Some teachers in this school don’t think that I should tell you the truth about these things,” Professor Keys continued. “But, I believe that no age is too young for honesty. You could all be incredible witches and wizards, if you take my class seriously. But more than that, you could be safe, and that is what I believe is far more important.”
The class, save a handful of students, seemed to understand that whatever it was Professor Keys was referring to, whatever dangers he spoke of, were real, and would come for them if they were unprepared. Regulus looked down at his hands and wondered if his mother would be proud that they weren't shaking, proud that his face was blank and he showed no fear. He hoped she would be. He didn't know why.
After Defence Against the Dark Arts, Regulus, Barty, and Evan walked out of the classroom together. Evan still appeared to be half-asleep, as Barty was practically dragging him into the corridor.
“That was dull,” Barty complained. “I thought Defence Against the Dark Arts was meant to be interesting.”
Regulus didn't agree, though he did not say as much. He wondered why, afterwards. Had it been that he was scared of losing people he might soon call friends? Had it been that his mother's words were that ingrained in him, that he was not meant to have his own opinions or thoughts? By the time Regulus was not so deep in thought, he realised that Barty had already moved on.
Together, they made their way to the Great Hall for lunch.
“Ev!” Pandora squealed, hugging him. Evan laughed and hugged her back. When she pulled away and saw Regulus, she smiled widely at him, which he returned.
Pandora was telling Evan about her day, talking rapidly and looking a little bit crazy. Barty and Regulus shared a glance and listened to her, though she did not look at them once, seeming to have forgotten about them entirely.
After what felt like ten minutes of her talking, which Regulus would not have minded had he not been so hungry, he turned to Barty and told him quietly that he was going into the Great Hall.
Regulus sat down beside Sirius, who was seemingly caught between pride and annoyance.
“Why were you talking to Crouch?” He asked, looking between Regulus and where Barty was standing just outside the Great Hall.
Regulus shrugged, not sure what to say. He piled some food onto his plate, regretting that he hadn't eaten much this morning. The hunger he felt, the shake of his hands with it, was not uncommon. Not when his parents so often used starvation as punishment. But there was more desperation now in his hunger, now that he knew food would not be withheld from him. There was guilt in it, too, he supposed. Eating whenever he wanted to felt like greed.
“Hey, Reg,” Remus greeted, sitting down. “How’s your first day going?”
It was strange to Regulus that it was Remus asking this and not Sirius. He tried not to think too much of it. “Yeah, really well,” Regulus said.
“You shouldn't be hanging around Crouch,” Sirius cut in. “He won't appreciate that you’re in Gryffindor, you know?”
“He didn't seem to mind,” Regulus muttered. Sirius scoffed. Regulus didn’t understand why he was so annoyed, and he couldn’t stop himself from feeling a little disappointed. He didn’t need his brother’s approval all day, every day. But he had hoped, or a small, subconscious part of him had, that Sirius would be proud of him for making friends. He felt so stupid, so childish. It wasn’t some great achievement, all he had done was talk to people. A younger version of him still thought it would be enough to earn his brother’s praise.
Regulus ate in silence, not taking in anyone else’s conversations. At some point, James and Peter had sat down opposite him.
As soon as Regulus was done with his food, he stood up. He still had half an hour left of lunch, and, while this was not a familiar feeling to him, he did not want to spend it with his brother. Regulus didn’t enjoy the ‘Gryffindor vs Slytherin’ mentality. He’d always understood it, always known it would be a part of his time at Hogwarts. But it was always in Sirius’s nature to rebel, to reject tradition, so Regulus couldn’t understand why it was this that he clung to.
As he was exiting the Great Hall, Barty followed him out.
“All good, Reggie?” Barty asked with a grin.
“It’s Regulus,” Regulus corrected once again.
“Yeah, yeah.” Barty waved his hand dismissively and followed Regulus. “Where ya headed?”
Regulus shrugged. “Don’t know. I just felt…” Regulus did not finish his sentence, for fear of something. What, he wasn’t sure. Barty seemed to understand anyway.
-
On Wednesday, Regulus had his first flying class. This was one of the only classes that did not include multiple classes. He was surrounded by the other Gryffindors in his year, all standing next to brooms. Strangely, this was the class that Regulus felt the most nervous for. He had always been interested in Quidditch, but had never actually played or been on a broom. He felt behind, as some other students had been flying since they were children. His mother had never allowed him to. He wondered how she would feel if he tried out for the team, and had to stop himself from wincing at the thought. Not only would he be playing Quidditch, but would be playing for Gryffindor. He decided that even if he was somehow incredible, he would not try out.
The problem with this promise to himself, was that he was good.
“Hold your right hand over your broom,” Madam Hooch had called, standing at the end of the rows of students, “and say, firmly, ‘Up!’.”
After only saying the word once, Regulus had his broom in his hand. Amelia Bones, who had sworn she would make the Quidditch team as a first-year, gaped at him. She was repeating the command over and over, and her broom was only twitching, quite pathetically, on the ground. He held back any physical show of pride.
“Good,” Madam Hooch praised, not very believably. She started to show them how they were supposed to mount their brooms, and many of the students had to reach down and grab them.
Regulus held his broom and threw one leg over, making sure his grip was tight. Madam Hooch walked between the two rows, observing everyone carefully, correcting mistakes here and there. Once she seemed content that no one would fly off the end of their brooms, she made her way back to the end of the line and spoke.
“When I blow my whistle, you’re to kick off from the ground, rise a few feet, and then immediately come back down by leaning forwards,” she ordered sternly.
At the sound of Hooch’s whistle, Regulus kicked off. It took him a moment to regain his balance, but then he was easily hovering in the air. He had the urge to rise further and further, to attempt to fly around properly, but instead leaned forward and landed back on his feet with ease. Some students seemingly hadn’t heard the ‘lean forward’ part of Madam Hooch’s instructions, as they were stuck in the air and could not come down. Regulus held back a laugh.
“You did well, Mr. Black,” Hooch commended after class. “Have you had a lot of practice flying?”
“Er, no, I’ve never flown before,” Regulus admitted.
If Madam Hooch was surprised by this, she did not show it. She gestured for him to go, and so he walked up to the Gryffindor Tower feeling a little lighter.
“Hey, Reggie,” Sirius called from the sofa by the fire. “How was it?”
“Good, I think,” Regulus told him, sitting beside him and resting his head on his brother’s shoulder. “I enjoyed it, at least.”
“He’s being modest,” Jade said from behind them, coming around to splay out on the other sofa. “He was better than all of us. You should’ve seen Amelia’s face, she looked like she was trying to explode him with her mind.”
Regulus was going to protest, but all talk of him died when James rushed to Sirius’s side, telling him that he had an idea and they needed to ‘call a meeting’ to discuss it. Behind him, Remus appeared exasperated, but did not say anything. Peter and Sirius both got up and started heading for the spiral staircase up to the boys’ dorms.
“Reg, you coming?” James asked, and, slowly so as to not let on his relief at not being excluded, Regulus followed them to their dorm.
Once they were sitting around on the floor of the dorm, James started explaining his ‘master plan’. Regulus had assumed that he had thought of an idea for a prank, their first of the year, but no. This was instead titled, ‘How James Potter Will Woo Lily Evans’.
“Oh, for Merlin’s sake, James,” Peter sighed. “Do you really think that she’s going to like you after everything you did last year?”
“Hey, everything I did last year, I did out of love!” James responded indignantly.
“You cursed Snape so that all of his hair would fall out,” Peter said. “Snape, as in, Lily’s best friend?”
“I was helping him.” James’s tone indicated that he had been over this many times.
“Can’t have greasy hair if he doesn’t have hair in the first place,” Sirius added.
“Exactly!”
Remus and Peter both seemed quite tired of ‘James Potter’s plans to woo Lily Evans’, but did not protest any further, as James did not give off the impression that he would let anything deter him. James stood up and clasped his hands behind his back in a professional manner.
“Step 1!” James shouted. “I will apologise to Snivellus for our…disagreements last year.”
“Do you not think calling him Snivellus is the opposite of what you’re attempting to do here?” Remus asked.
“No! Don’t interrupt,” James ordered with a hint of a smile. “Step 2! I will ask Lily to help me study. She is incapable of saying no to studying, and most people are incapable of saying no to me. It’s a promising combination.”
Regulus doubted that this was entirely true, and wondered how much time James was willing to dedicate to this plan. It was only the first week back, they had nothing to study for yet, so he suspected James would have to wait at least another few weeks.
“Step 3! After I pass the exam with flying colours, I’ll ask her on a date to thank her,” James continued. “Now, as we can’t really leave the castle, this will be difficult. It’s not as though I can be a gentleman and take her out for dinner…”
“You could ask the house elves to set something up for you,” Peter suggested. “They’d be happy to do it.”
Regulus was not a fan of this particular aspect of the plan, which James immediately agreed to, as he had never liked using the house elves like this. He’d always been tempted to let the house elves at home go. It was slavery, he thought. Sirius did not agree.
“Step 4! After a magical date, I will ask her to be my girlfriend,” James told them with a massive grin.
“Step 5! We will get married and live happily ever after,” James concluded, looking at them expectantly. “Any thoughts?”
“I have a thought,” Remus said. “You’re insane. You’re twelve years old, James.”
“What is age in the face of true love, my dear Remus?” Sirius teased.
-
Step 1 of James’s plan went terribly, in Regulus’s opinion. He had decided that Saturday was the ideal time to attempt an apology to ‘Snivellus’, who Regulus realised was actually Severus Snape.
Regulus, Sirius, and Peter all sat back and watched as James waited at the Great Hall entrance for Snape during breakfast. Remus was not with them, but Regulus assumed he had just slept in again.
“This isn’t going to go well, is it?” Peter commented.
Sirius just laughed and watched as his best friend finally spotted Snape.
From where they were sitting, they couldn’t make out the conversation, though Regulus could tell it, indeed, was not going well. Snape had attempted to walk right past James when he’d started talking, and, like the genius he was, James had grabbed Snape’s arm. Snape muttered something and James’s ‘apology’ seemed to turn into an insult very quickly, as they both reached for their wands.
Barty was standing a few feet from them, looking almost eager to observe the duel, but Regulus caught his eye and was hoping to convey his plea for him to intervene with just his eyes. He knew Barty had gotten the message, as he heaved a sigh and stepped between Snape and James, pulling James towards the Gryffindor table, smart enough to know not to grab a hold of Snape.
“So, how’s that plan going, James?” Sirius mocked playfully, though James seemed genuinely upset that phase one had failed quite miserably.
“You’re lucky I like you, Reg,” Barty said, placing a hand on Regulus’s shoulder. “I really wanted to see that.”
“Thank you,” Regulus replied, and whether he was thanking him for stopping the fight from occurring or for simply liking him, he wasn’t sure.
“I don’t trust that kid,” Sirius reminded Regulus for the hundredth time.
Regulus did not dignify this with a response, turning back to his breakfast. When Regulus tried to stand after he’d finished his food, Sirius pulled him back down into his seat, saying he had to wait for him. And though he was still somewhat annoyed at his brother, he found himself incapable of not doing whatever Sirius wanted him to do. Was that not why he was here? Was that not why he had ended up in Gryffindor despite knowing it wasn’t who he truly was?
Once Sirius had finished his food as well, they made their way to his dorm. Regulus was confused to see Remus’s bed empty.
“Sirius? Where’s Remus?” Regulus asked.
“Hm? Oh, yeah, he goes to see family every month,” Sirius told him. “He’ll be back tomorrow.”
Regulus didn’t think much of this, past feeling slightly sorry for Remus. With all those cuts, Regulus knew something had to be going on. It must have been those muggle punishments. He wondered why a family who could do something like that to their child would want to see him every month. Walburga and Orion had seemed so glad to have Sirius gone, not even having him come home for Christmas.
Regulus felt as though he was going to cry from relief with the realisation that he would never again have to spend a Christmas without Sirius. Since they were young, Sirius had always done his best to make Christmas fun for Regulus, making him gifts and telling him stories. Sirius’s first year at Hogwarts had been the only year that Regulus had ever spent Christmas without him. Sirius had sounded so happy in his letter, having spent the whole day with Remus. He’d gotten real gifts for the first time. Regulus hadn’t wanted to dampen his mood, so in his letter, he had ‘forgotten’ to mention that Walburga had cursed him for crying over Sirius’s absence, had left him writhing in pain on his bedroom floor. Sirius hadn’t directly asked about Regulus’s own Christmas, so it wasn’t really a lie.
“Reg,” Sirius said, sounding agitated. “Are you listening?”
“Oh, uh, sorry. Yeah.” Regulus cleared his throat and sat down opposite Sirius on the bed.
Sirius cast a silencing charm around the room and then put an album on. The music sounded through the speaker, which Sirius had moved from the corner to right next to his bed. It hurt Regulus’s ears for a moment, and he looked around nervously, not entirely sure that they couldn’t be heard. What would happen if someone realised they were playing music this loudly? Would they not be punished? Sirius seemed so at ease.
Regulus was tense throughout the first three songs until Sirius finally turned it down.
“This is The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust. It’s one of my favourite Bowie albums. But I love them all, obviously,” Sirius told him. “Oh! Oh! You have to listen to this one! It’s Lady Stardust!”
And that’s how they spent the next several hours, Sirius telling him about all of his favourite music and Regulus nodding along, wishing it would stop. He wouldn’t say anything, not with how happy this clearly made Sirius, but the noise was giving him a headache, and it was so loud, Regulus could nearly taste it. And why were they not in trouble yet? At home… But they were not at home.
Safe. Safe. Safe. Regulus repeated it in his head, over and over. He breathed it in and out, reminded himself of it with every breath. You’re safe now.
How could he be safe when he carried a part of his mother around with him everywhere he went?
-
Remus was back the next day, just as Sirius said he would be. Regulus had accidentally caught a glimpse of a new cut before Remus had covered it with his sleeve. From what Regulus could see, it ran from his wrist and up his arm. He seemed so tired, trailing behind the rest of them slowly. Regulus, maybe unintentionally, fell behind with him.
“You don’t have to wait for me,” Remus mumbled.
“I don’t mind,” Regulus responded. “Are you okay?”
Remus nodded and continued to walk slowly and silently next to Regulus. They made their way outside and Remus carefully settled in the grass, book in hand. Sirius, Peter, and James all sat around him, forming a protective circle that Regulus felt was slightly unnecessary. Remus seemed to think the same, as he rolled his eyes at them. Sirius and James messed around, Peter collected different plants and flowers, while Regulus and Remus, side by side, read in silence.
After a while, though, Remus tossed his book aside and buried his face in his hands. Regulus put down his own book but did not ask, waiting to see if Remus wanted to talk.
“Can’t focus,” he mumbled. “I’m too tired, I’m reading the same page over and over.”
Regulus frowned at this. Sirius and James had stopped messing around, taking note of Remus’s behaviour. Regulus silently gestured for Sirius to hand him Remus’s book.
“I could…I could read to you,” Regulus suggested quietly, and Remus turned to look at him, nodding with a small smile.
Opening the book, Regulus started from the beginning of the chapter that Remus had been attempting to read. He was quite sure Remus had fallen asleep, eyes closed and lips parted, but he continued to read on the off-chance that he was listening. It felt as though, for a moment, they were in their own little world, just the two of them. It didn’t matter that Sirius and James were yelling or that Peter was cutting in every so often to tell them about plants and flowers. It was just Regulus and Remus. Regulus had never been a part of a world that did not include Sirius. He wasn’t sure if this was good or not.
Remus moved a little closer to Regulus, resting his head on Regulus’s arm. Regulus only faltered for a moment.
Nothing broke apart their little world until Regulus’s name was called. He looked up to see Pandora and Evan approaching. Remus seemed to tense, for some reason. Pandora dropped herself into the grass in front of them.
Regulus really did like Pandora. He liked how honest she was, how she was unafraid to talk on and on about the things that interested her, how pleased she was at every small accomplishment, in classes or otherwise. However, he had realised that she very rarely understood when it was not a good time to talk. A couple of times in the middle of class, or in front of people they didn’t know, she had just started saying whatever was on her mind. People would often look at them weirdly, and it made Regulus uncomfortable.
Currently, Pandora was talking about a plant or a potion or a book—Regulus was never entirely sure—while Remus and Evan looked around awkwardly. Remus didn’t know Pandora and was most likely confused as to why she had just sat down and started talking, and Regulus assumed that Evan was either embarrassed or uncomfortable around this many Gryffindors.
Once Pandora had finished talking, or when Regulus was pretty sure she was finished, at least, Regulus asked, “Where’s Barty?”
Barty and Evan had been inseparable since the moment they’d met. You could never find one without the other, unless Evan was with Pandora.
“He’s hanging out with Emmeline,” Evan said, sounding almost envious. “We asked him if he wanted to come with us, but guess not.”
Pandora, oblivious to Evan’s bitter tone, started telling Regulus about Emmeline. “Yes, Barty says they’ve been friends since they were kids. Apparently, Emmeline’s father works in the Ministry as well. Although, don’t you think it’s strange? I mean, Barty is a pureblood, and Emmeline is a half-blood.”
“Why is that weird?” Remus asked pointedly.
“I don’t think Barty’s father really likes half-bloods and muggleborns, at least from what Barty has told us. His father is Barty Crouch Senior. You probably knew that.” Pandora didn’t take breaks between sentences. All of her words tended to blend together, making it hard to follow her train of thought at the speed it was going. “Anyway, Emmeline’s nice. Evan doesn’t like her, though.”
“Panda, you’re not supposed to tell people that,” Evan said, not angrily, more as a reminder of things he’d tried to teach her before.
“Oh. Sorry. Anyway-”
Pandora talked a lot, but she meant well. Regulus thought that Remus had realised this after a while, as he lost the tension in his shoulders and leaned back into Regulus. Regulus noticed that James, Sirius, and Peter had not been anywhere close to them since Pandora and Evan had arrived, and he could guess that it had more to do with Evan, being a Slytherin, than Pandora.
-
Over the three weeks that he had been at Hogwarts, Regulus had barely spoken to his dorm-mates. He would say good morning and then goodnight, and that was pretty much it. The first time that Regulus spent time with them outside of class or their dorm was in the common room, where some first- to third-year Gryffindors were all gathered around. Sirius had forced Regulus to attend, as Lily would be there and James supposedly needed the ‘emotional support’.
Regulus wasn’t entirely sure why they were all here, and why he was wasting his Saturday on this, but Sirius had asked, and Regulus could never turn him down.
Two of his roommates, Harvey and Eric, were sitting together opposite him. Eric, Regulus had learned, was the brother of one of Sirius’s friends, Mary. Sirius seemed to think this should be reason enough for the two to become friends, though Regulus wouldn’t be surprised if this was simply an attempt to draw Regulus away from his Slytherin friends. It wouldn’t work. Regulus hated this feeling, knowing he was letting Sirius down. But Regulus liked his friends. He liked being understood by Barty so wordlessly, things just passing between them that only they seemed to understand. He liked listening to Pandora talk his ear off, not caring that he had no idea what it was that she was speaking of. He liked to watch as she and Evan attempted new, most likely dangerous, potions. Regulus felt safe around them.
Safe. Safe. Safe.
He didn’t feel safe here, sitting in the common room among the other Gryffindors. It was so loud, suffocating him. He felt as though he was being watched from every angle. He couldn’t breathe.
Regulus knew this feeling well; he experienced it at every gathering that his parents held, being forced to talk to people he hated. It was his worst nightmare. He would always end up being punished for something, for not following instructions that his parents had not even given, had just expected him to understand were required of him. He felt like an alien there; he felt like an alien here, as well. As though someone had painted ‘Liar’ on his forehead. Everyone could tell. And he was sure he was missing unspoken instructions left and right, and he knew things were expected of him, and it all felt so wrong, and his brain wouldn’t stop, and everyone was speaking, and he couldn’t breathe.
Regulus couldn’t breathe.
He was not meant to be here.
Everyone could tell.
Sirius could tell. Sirius was gripping his wrist and guiding him upstairs. Sirius Sirius Sirius.
“Regulus, can you please say something?” Sirius was asking.
Regulus just collapsed into his brother.
Safe. Safe. Safe.
-
October was approaching quickly, leaves turning orange and yellow, air becoming pleasantly colder. Sirius had not forced Regulus to do anything that he wasn’t prepared to do, and everything should have been better. It was not. Regulus was so, so angry, and he didn’t know why.
Step 2 of James Potter’s plan to woo Lily Evans was currently in motion, though it was technically step 1, as they had crossed out the apology to Snape, given how it had gone the first time.
It was not going well, in Regulus’s opinion.
James had attempted to ask Lily for help twice now.
The first time had been at lunch in the Great Hall. He had approached her and asked for help writing his Transfiguration essay.
“Go away, Potter,” she had shouted.
The second time, which Regulus had not been present for, had been during potions. Sirius told him the story through fits of laughter.
“So, he goes over to her, right?” Sirius barked a laugh. “And he’s just asking if she wants to be partners, and he leans on the table, except he puts his hand on the edge of a bowl of Flobberworm Mucus that went all over him!”
“Okay, Sirius, I think he gets it,” James grumbled.
Peter was the only one of them showing any sign of sympathy. Remus had just shrugged and told him that he should have seen this coming, and Sirius was too busy laughing. Regulus hadn’t said anything, but with how miserably this had been going, he thought James should just give up.
“I’m going to go find Barty,” Regulus muttered, making his way to the door.
Sirius didn’t protest, though didn’t seem happy, either. Regulus wouldn’t have minded if he thought that Sirius was upset that he was going, but he knew that wasn’t it. Sirius was annoyed that Regulus hung out with Slytherins. It didn’t matter to Sirius if Regulus was gone, so long as he wasn’t hanging with people who Sirius deemed to be beneath them.
On his way to the Slytherin common room, Regulus was pulled aside. He pulled out of the person’s grip and spun around to look at them.
“Cissy?” He said, too loudly. Narcissa put her hand over his mouth.
“Be quiet!” She hissed. “What are you doing in the dungeons?”
With his mouth covered, Regulus could not answer, though she didn’t seem to want an actual response.
“You can’t be down here. It’s not safe for you,” she warned, her hands on him now gentle. “Lucius has been talking about you. Well, you and Sirius. Says you’re both traitors. Everyone else agrees. You need to be careful. They’re all desperate for a reason to hurt you.”
When Narcissa finally pulled her hand back, Regulus spoke. “Why? What have I done to them?”
“Nothing, Reg. You haven’t done anything wrong,” she assured. She wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. “I’m sorry I haven’t spoken to you. I wanted to, I promise. But Mother and Father said I couldn’t, and Lucius would have said something if I tried.”
Regulus buried his face in her shoulder. He had seen her around, of course, but she had always avoided eye contact.
Regulus loved Narcissa more than anyone else in their family, save Sirius, more like a sister to him than a cousin. He’d guessed that her complete disregard of him had something to do with her parents, but to have it confirmed felt like both a weight off his chest and a brand new burden. When he had gotten into Gryffindor, he had known his parents would be angry. But he hadn’t thought about Narcissa, about how it would affect his relationship with her. He had forced himself to think of Sirius, just Sirius and what would make him happy. Regulus felt sick.
“I love you, Reggie,” she whispered into his hair. “I love you. Just…be safe.”
Regulus pulled away reluctantly.
“Could you, um, could you tell Barty and Evan that I’m looking for them, if you see them?” Regulus asked. Narcissa agreed, most likely just so that he would leave the dungeons.
Regulus took a moment to collect himself. This was not what he was meant to do. He was supposed to keep his emotions in check. If his mother saw him like this…
He did not feel safe.