Happiness

14th November, 2022.

Every muscle in his body thrummed as waves of pleasure overcame him with his release. He groaned as his love reached his peak alongside him, his walls tensing around him, moaning his name in his honeyed voice that unraveled James further. His body sagged over his lover, panting against the crook of his neck as his heart beat slowed down. The ecstasy of his high cedes soon, and he pulls out with a groan, hearing a whine in response. He quickly removes and ties up the used condom before throwing it in the bin he keeps by his bed, cuddling up to his love and covering them both with the duvet. His boyfriend snuggles into his arms, burying his face into his neck and letting out a sigh, letting himself go boneless in James' arms. 

As much as James loved the moments of heady passion with the man of his dreams, there was nothing like the bliss that he felt in the aftermath. His arms full of his boy, the way their bodies fit together like puzzle pieces, breathing in the scent of his fancy mango shampoo as his partner breathes little puffs against his neck. 

He had often dreamed of having these moments of pure comfort. Feeling at peace without the need to fill those gaps in conversation. James wasn't known for being calm and quiet, but he loved being so with his boyfriend. With Regulus. 

He sometimes couldn't believe that he actually had Regulus, the way he did. If you would have told a twenty-two year old James, who could barely stand the silver-eyed wizard, that he would fall in love with him, he would've laughed in your face before calling the Janis Thickey ward in St. Mungos. 

He often wondered what would have happened if Regulus had refused the offer that Puddlemere gave him. If he had stayed the estranged brother of his best friend, if he had left practice early that fateful Wednesday, close to two years ago now. Merlin, was he grateful that these thoughts weren't true, and what was- were the feelings he had for this wonderful person. 

He had almost drifted asleep. Maybe that's why he didn't hear the click of the front door, or the sounds of one of his friends racking about his living room or approaching his bedroom door. What he did hear was the click of the door opening, that he had forgotten to lock, and the rambling of his best friend that came to a sudden stop.

“Hey, Prongs! Moony kicked me out. I swear it's like he doesn't even love me anymore. Did you-”, his barrage cuts off as he registers that his best mate is not alone in bed, and he turns pale at seeing who it is he is in bed with.

James had never heard a silence echo so loudly in his life ever before. He felt frozen. One moment he was in a state of bliss, his arms wrapped around the man of his dreams, feeling peace in a way that was only possible with him. And the next, blood is rushing in his ears as his heart starts racing once again, for very different and much worse reasons than before. His arms are now holding a very tense body, muscles held together so tight and James wanted to comfort him, run his hands over his body till they sunk back into each other. But he's too tense himself to make a single movement in fear that if he moves, this nightmare will become real.

A high pitched shriek broke the three of them from their trance as Sirius turned around with his hands thrown over his eyes. James quickly got up to throw back on the clothes that had been tossed aside and he saw from the corner of his eye as his boyfriend did the same. 

When they were both dressed once again they just stood still for a moment, not knowing what to do now that the moment they had feared for so long had finally arrived. Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, they didn't have much choice to decide.

“Prongs?”, Sirius asked, still resolutely standing with his eyes covered and back to them. His voice was calm which was never good. He sounded uncertain but also like he would blow up without a second thought.

“Yeah, Pads?”, James offered meekly.

“If I turn around will I find you and my brother?”, he asked, his voice trembling ever so slightly.

“Yes, Pads.”, he replied after a pause. 

Sirius whipped around to stare at them, his bewilderment clear on his face. He would've rubbed his eyes if said brother hadn't spoken up at that moment. 

“I should go.”, Regulus said, grabbing the bag that he had left on James' desk before reaching for his keys and phone. The shock written on the elder Black's face quickly turned into seething rage then and in an instant he was grabbing his brother's arm, that was outstretched to open the bedroom door, about to leave.

“Where the fuck do you think you're going?”, he screeched, grabbing his arm and practically throwing them back in the room. “You think you can just show up here, climb in bed with my best friend and I would let you go? What the hell is wrong with you?! Haven't you taken enough from my life to want more? What having my boyfriend as your fucking BFF was not enough? You had to fuck my best friend too?”

“Pads-”, James tried to interrupt but was spoken over like he wasn't ever there. 

“What, you ran out of people to fuck so you decided to jump my best friend? What did you do give him a fucking love potion? You have the audacity to try to seduce him when he already has a girlfriend of two years but you don't give a shit do you? Godric-”, he exclaimed but was interrupted by his brother. The mask that James loathed and had spent months wrenching off was back on his face. James wanted nothing more than to tear it right off but he was helpless as he watched the brothers go head to head after almost a decade.

“I'm his boyfriend.”, Regulus said. His tone was clipped and there was a small frown on his lips. James knew how much he hated that this was happening. He had never wanted them to be a secret. Ever since he had transitioned and finally come out to the world, Regulus had not wanted to hide again. He had asked James to talk to Sirius about them for ages but he'd always make up excuses. Still, Regulus saw through his fears and let himself be hidden away against his own wishes. James had always felt shameful about that. That feeling quickly became overbearing as he witnessed him fight a battle that should have been fought by James himself. “I'm the one who he's been dating for two years. Who he goes on long dates with and who he went to Brighton with for the weekend last month. I'm that girlfriend.”

He spits the last word like it disgusts him, as he should. Regulus had spent eighteen years of his life being referred to as a girl by everyone and would spend the rest of his life still being called so by ignorant arseholes. But being called that from someone who he trusted could not have felt good. 

James had been caught out of his sneaking around quite early in their, what they like to call, ‘horny, oblivious dimwit stage’, where they basically spent any and all opportunities to get rid of the thick sexual tension between them soon after that meeting in the locker rooms. His friends cornered him until he revealed he was seeing someone and when they assumed it was a girl, he didn't jump in to correct them. It wasn't like they weren't aware of his pansexuality or would judge him for having a boyfriend, he just froze up and accepted whatever they assumed to shut them up. At the time he justified it by thinking he and Regulus would never last. They were dancing around their emotions, unwilling to accept that they felt something for the other more significant than pure sexual attraction, but he had been so grateful that they had. 

Regulus had been that someone James had wanted ever since his parents had told him their love story. He never expected it to be the bashful little boy with glossy curls and blushing cheeks that had hid behind Sirius on the train in his second year- but he was so glad that it was. He couldn't even imagine wanting someone else to have that picture perfect love story with. And he didn't even want to. Now that picture was threatening to collapse and he needed to act fast if he wanted to keep it safe.

“That still doesn't answer my question does it?”, Sirius seethed, his knuckles white with how tightly he held his fists. “What did you do, give him Amortentia? Imperio him? That's what it is isn't it? You always were Walburga's favorite little-”

“SIRIUS!”, Regulus bellowed, tears in his eyes as his chest rose and fell with each panting breath. “If you don't want to believe that I am good enough to be with your Golden fucking best friend, I understand. But don't for a second insinuate that I am anything like those monsters that were our parents. I have done anything and everything to show you that I am not the image that you created in your fucking head when I was sorted into Slytherin. But if transitioning to be an openly Trans and gay man, selling Grimmauld, joining a National Quidditch team and asking for your fucking forgiveness is not enough for you to realize that I am just as redeemable as you, then I am done. If you can't imagine the fact that your beloved best mate is capable of loving another Black then you can take your opinion-”

“Regulus.”, James interrupted. “Can I talk to Sirius alone?”, he asked, pleading with his eyes for Regulus to understand that this would not help. He needed to talk to his best friend patiently. To explain to him that his best mate had been the one to pursue his brother. That he cared for him and wanted a future with him and as valid as everything that Regulus said was, it would not get through to Sirius at the moment. 

Regulus turned to him and James felt his heart break at the emotion on his face. He could put up a mask all he wanted, but James had seen that boy come undone in more ways than imaginable. He wanted nothing more than to hold his love in his arms until he could take all the pain and disappointment in his eyes. Until all that was left was the love, and care that he had been privileged enough to witness. But he needed to clear things up with Sirius before he could go to Regulus, they both knew that. And as Regulus turned away from him, resignation etched into his expression, James might as well have been sliced in two with the urge to reach out to him.

He didn't touch him and or kiss him, despite how much they both needed it. With a curt nod, and without sparing a glance at Sirius, he left his bedroom, and neither made a sound until they heard the sound of the front door opening and closing. 

“You love my brother?”, said Sirius, turning to him. This was the first time that he had directly addressed James since he had entered the room. He might as well have been a fly on the wall before, but now it was as if a spotlight was shining down on him. 

The way Sirius framed the question sounded like an accusation. Like it was a crime or something bad. But the truth was he did. He loved Regulus and he knew the man did the same. Both of them had said it before but even unspoken, James knew. He was sure, because he felt it in the way Regulus would always hold him close and let him take off the sunny persona that he donned in front of others. How Regulus would be the one to remind James to take care of himself- when he had a dentist's appointment, or he needed to rest his knee after a rough game. In the way Regulus would always keep an extra strip of melatonin in his bedside cabinet and carry one for away games in case his insomnia starts working up again. James knew from the way Regulus was soft around James. How he would press kisses into his golden skin like James was the Sun and he had been living in darkness his whole life. In the way James turned to him after every victory and searched for him in every room. He loved him more than he had ever thought possible and he wanted to say so to Sirius but the words were stuck in his throat like a boulder and he couldn't swallow or speak around them. 

He had had a plan, is the issue. He was going to sit Sirius down the weekend before Regulus’ birthday, just a few weeks away. He was going to explain everything and he would let him yell and scream and talk the entire two days so that he could surprise his boyfriend with what he had yearned for the most the past few years- his brother. It was going to be peaceful and wholesome and perfect and James had been sure it would work for them. But Regulus had come to his apartment because Barty and Evan were fucking in his and Sirius came home early from Remus’ place and it was all going so so wrong.

“Can we please sit down? I think you should calm down a little first Sirius. Let me get you some water-”

“James, do you love my brother?”, Sirius asked again, pointedly. His chest was heaving and his face was flushed and he was obviously not backing down without an answer.

“I do.”, James croaked through his tight throat. “I love him, Sirius. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I was going to, I had a plan-”

A broken laugh made him pause before he could explain everything to his best friend. 

“I can't believe this. I fucking can't believe it. After everything I've been through with him, everything you know he has put me through, you still do this to me? How, James? You were the one who saw what that family did to me and now you go behind my back and start playing family with them? What's next? You're having afternoon tea with Bellatrix? Going on brunch with Druella? Joining business with Cygnus?”, he exclaimed. 

“Sirius, he is not like the rest of them. You know that. You would always say that he was the only one in your family that was worth saving, who was worth staying for. He's still the same, Sirius. He's still the soft, sweet Reggie that you used to talk about.”, James replied, trying his best to keep his voice level. He hated that he had to argue with his best friend, but Regulus was worth it. 

“Merlin, he's already got you wrapped around his little finger, huh? Don't you see it, James, he's always been like this! This is what he does. He always steals what's mine, always has to one up me! If I get an Exceeds Expectations, he's got an Outstanding. If I've joined the Quidditch team, he's the best seeker in generations. He's always been leeching off me since we've been kids. When I finally got my own friends, he acted like I abandoned him or some shit. And you know what it hurt, but I was fine, because I had a brother in you, when I never did in him. I thought you'd always be by my side, Prongs. Now suddenly, you're telling me you've been fucking my brother for Merlin knows how long and you've fallen in love with them? Do you not see what this is James?! He's going to break your heart! The moment he's got what he wants from you, he'll dump you like you're nothing to him. He's manipulating you, James-”

“Why would he do that, Sirius?”, James exclaimed, tired of listening to Sirius bad-mouth Regulus. “What do I have that he doesn't? Money? A successful career? Fame? He has it all already! And if you think he's using me to get to you, then you're wrong because he himself told me that he doesn't care what you think of him. He-”

“That's what he wants you to think!”, Sirius screams. “He wants you to think that he doesn't care about me so that he can get between us, just like he is now! I mean it's bad enough that my fucking boyfriend thinks he's worthy of his time but now he's got your claws in you too, James! He's a conniving little bitch, who has always wanted to ruin my life. And you're falling for it, Prongs.”

James could tell that Sirius was unwilling to listen to anything that was in the defense of his brother right now. James needed to take great care in saying what he would next, lest he lose his best friend.

“Sirius, please listen to reason. Nobody could take me from you, you know that! You're being blind. You know me, I wouldn't get involved with Regulus if I thought he was bad. Hell, Remus has been telling you for ages that Regulus is good. I know you don't trust him anymore, but at least trust me, trust us. You just need to see how happy he makes me, how different he is. You know I wouldn't let anything come between us. You're my best friend, my brother. Sirius, please-”

“No.”, he said, his expression completely sober. Determined. James knew that he had lost any chance of convincing him. “If I'm as important to you as you say I am, if I am your best friend, then you can and will get rid of him. Boyfriends and girlfriends will come and go, James, but we are for life, right? ‘Prongs and Padfoot, against the world’? If I am so important to you, then you'll break up with him, and we'll go back to the way things were.”

There was a subconscious part of James that knew they would come to this. That Sirius wouldn't ever understand, and he would be in this sticky situation. But he had always pushed that thought deep into his mind, just to keep living in the delusion that maybe, he could have it all. Maybe, somehow, Regulus knew it too. There were moments when James would talk and think out loud about the future they could have- travelling, pets, marriage, kids, when Regulus would always get quiet and just hum along. There was a resignation in their demeanor that James had always brushed away, a quiet acceptance as though they were on a timer, waiting out the inevitable until everything between them was lost. 

“Pads-”, James tried to interrupt but was spoken over. 

“Or, you can choose a disillusioned fling over your best friend- your brother- who you've known for more than half your life and you'll never have to see me again. What will it be, James?”

His breath caught in his chest. James didn't want to lose Regulus. He wanted to be with him more than he wanted anyone in his life. He knows they could go the distance. They could have the life he's dreamed of having since he was seven years old, asking his parents about their love story. But losing Sirius- it would destroy him. He's never had a sibling, but he doesn't think he could live without Sirius. They're brothers. He doesn't want to live a life without him. He doesn't think he would ever be able to. 

It was like the story of Odysseus being stuck between Charybdis and Scylla, that Regulus had told him once. He either loses who he is sure is the love of his life, or the brother he has spent more time with than without. He couldn't choose, he didn't want to. James racked his brain to come up with a solution- anything to keep the little life he had imagined in his mind with him. 

“Please, don't do this to me, Sirius. I love him. And I love you- I ca- can't choose!”, he cried out, his voice breaking as the weight of what was happening hit him. 

“I'm doing this for your own good, James. You'll realize soon that Regulus is not worth even a shred of your love soon enough. The choice is merely if I'll be by your side when you do or not.”, Sirius said, his face hardened and his arms folded over his chest.

That was the problem. Sirius refused to believe that Regulus was anything beyond evil. All James had to do was prove that he was wrong. Show him that Regulus was worth it all and so much more. 

Maybe he could work it out. He didn't want to give himself hope, but James couldn't help it. He really only needed to give Sirius some time to come to terms with their relationship. He could pretend just how he had been doing this whole while, and once Sirius sees how much James means it when he says Regulus is it for him he's sure to come around. He has to, right? He knows it is so goddamn selfish of him to try, but he knows the love he has for Regulus is reciprocated just the same. If he's not willing to give them up, surely Regulus won't either?

Yes. He won't lose either of them. He won't lose Regulus. He refuses to. He just needs to buy them time. 

“O- Okay, Pads. I'll br- break up with him.”, he stammered out. The words taste bitter on his tongue and make his gut turn, as if he was going to throw up. 

“Right now. Go to him, and do it right now.”, he demands and James wants to lash out, but honestly its best to talk to Regulus sooner rather than later. 

He merely nods before walking to the living room to access his Floo. He steps in and disappears in the green flames as soon as he speaks of his destination, only to see another living room that has become as familiar as his own in the last two years. He steps out hurriedly, almost tripping in the haste to reach his boyfriend, ready to call out for him, when he spots him. Regulus is tucked into his spot by the window. A green armchair- that James is not entirely sure wasn't stolen from the Slytherin Common Rooms- facing the large window that bathes the room in the golden light of the setting sun. 

There are tear tracks running down his face, but Regulus is so frighteningly still it makes James ache. There is a tension in his shoulders that let's James know that his presence has been noticed but the vacancy in his lover's expression is what holds James back from gathering him in his arms and never letting him leave. There are few moments when Regulus has fallen into this state since they started dating, but each time has made James aware that right now, the most important thing that Regulus needs is space and awareness. 

He slowly steps forward and kneels in front of the chair, keeping a safe distance from where Regulus sits with his knees pressed to his chest, looking more innocent than James has ever seen- with their long eyelashes wet with tears and wide eyes still shiny. His face is still blotchy and lips are bitten red and he is so beautiful and James loves loves loves. He takes a deep breath before gently speaking to get his boyfriend back to this plane of existence. 

“Reggie?”, he murmurs, receiving a short hum in response- good start. 

“Darling, can you please look at me?”. Another hum and no other response. 

“You know, Mum was telling me the other day that Dad is thinking of launching another line of Hair potions.”, he started rambling. Regulus said it helped him focus and drag his attention back to the present. No problem, James didn't have much trouble talking nonsense. Potions was always a safe option because he didn't know shit about it and Regulus always did, so his bullshit was enough to jar him back to reality. “Sleakeazy is good and all, but it doesn't really work for Redheads, does it? He also got a bunch of complaints about it being less than useless on damaged hair. Dad finally decided to come out of retirement after a rather amusing complaint ended up at his desk. This wizard wrote to him saying that he burned his hair when his grand-daughter burned it in a burst of accidental magic. He said he really needs it to not look like he stuck a fork in an outlet for his upcoming presentation. I was thinking, you know how a Beautification potions smooth-ens out any weird bumps or acne for your skin, then dad could make a potion like that but for hair, you know? It would be temporary but for fancy events it could be a hit! Do you think he'll have to add the Troll bogeys like he did for Sleakeazy? Or what was it? The Granian hair to-”

“It's Asian Dragon Hair. Merlin Potter, how are you Monty's son?”, the croaky voice of his prodigy boyfriend cut him off and James couldn't help but smile. Regulus was glaring at him in obvious offence to his nonsense, but at least he was looking at him. And no matter how hard he tried, the amused curl of his lips was not missed by James. “And Troll bogeys? In a hair potion? That's a new low even for you.”

“It brought you back to me didn't it?”, he grinned back, but it must've been the wrong thing to say because immediately Regulus deflated again, the smile on his face falling at once. “What? Did I say something wrong?”

He turned away once more, but he was present, James could see that. His breathing was shallow as he curled himself tighter and kept his gaze locked on the horizon. “What now?”, he asked, blunt as ever, but his voice was hollow like he hadn't heard in a long time. “What did Sirius say?”

James couldn't do much but open and close his mouth like gaping fish on dry land. He wished he could say something positive, but he knew Regulus wanted to rip the band-aid off. He sighed before sitting cross-legged on the floor. He didn't want to say this, but this was the way things had to be. At least for a little while. 

“Called me a traitor basically. Wanted me to break up with you and that I had to choose between you two.”, he said as casually as he could, despite the strain in his throat. The sharp inhale Regulus took sent a pinch to his heart. He remained silent, not saying a peep as James wished for something to get a glimpse at what Regulus was thinking. He needed him to understand why he did what he did. “I said I couldn't but he refused to listen. So, I came up with a plan. He just needs time to cool down until he accepts us and we just need to lie low for a while-”

“So you agreed.”, Regulus said, a broken laugh escaping him. He unfurled himself and left his seat, walking into the kitchen as he finished over his shoulder. “Right, because there is no world where James Potter would ever leave Sirius Black behind, is there?”

“No! Love, no. That's not- that's not why I did it.”, he exclaimed, scrambling to correct and follow after him. “I just need to show him how wrong he is about you. We just have to lay low for a little while and then he'll realize how wrong he is. He just needs to see how kind you are, and how sweet and-”

“Don't bother.”, Regulus clipped, his back to him, reaching for a cup and turning to switch on the kettle as if they were having evening tea. “It never worked before, it won't work now. We had a good run, Potter, you can leave now. It's fine.”

James couldn't believe it. There was a growing emptiness in his chest with every word that was leaving his boyfriend's mouth. “What are you talking about? I'm not letting you go, Regulus. I know what you're doing and it won't work. I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you! We can fix this-”

“Can we?”, he interrupted again, setting the cup down with a sharp tap. Finally turning to face him. His eyes were cold but they were brimming with tears. The pain and anger in them hit James square in the chest and he had to grab the counter to not knock backwards. “Can we, James? Because from where I am all I see is you choosing time and time again to hide me and us and letting my brother's wishes and comfort over what I want. 

“Two years we've been together and I can't even stand too close to you in public because my brother can't know that you and I are more than teammates. Every event that I've been invited to, every plus one, I have to go with fucking Barty because my brother can't comprehend that his adult fucking best friend can date whoever he wants. The first fucking day, that we started dating, I told you I don't want to be hidden away like something shameful but what have we done for two years, James? ‘You're not letting me go?’- how many people know that we're dating, James? Lets count, shall we?- Barty, Evan, Pandora, Dorcas- why? Because they're my friends. Remus- why? Because he walked in on us, despite him being one of our closest friends. Marlene- why? Because she's dating Dorcas, not because you told her because she's your oldest friend.

“‘You want to spend the rest of your life with me?’- tell me James, how do you plan to do that?”, Regulus asked. He was openly crying now and James knew he was too, but he couldn't do anything but face the barrage that Regulus was finally unleashing. “I don't know if you're aware of this or not but partners put their partner before their friends, but I've always been a second choice to my brother-for everyone-my entire life. For my parents, Remus, you. And the worst part is I get why. But I can't be with someone and have Sirius be their fucking first choice too!”

“He's my best friend, Reg. I can't just-”, James tried to defend. It was weak even to his own ears so it was no surprise when Regulus spoke over him again. 

“I'm not the one making you choose, James! I'm not asking you to abandon Sirius and to fucking marry me and leave him behind. I never wanted anything but to love you and be your partner. But it's clear that you can't give me that status and everything it entails. So,”, he breathed in, his face twisted as if in pain, before whispering, “I think we should just let it go.”

For the second time in an hour James felt his world come to a stop. He felt lightheaded and every breath was a struggle as it dawned on him how bad this really was. “What?”

“We're done, James. I really wanted that future with you, but I can't do this any more. For once in my life, I want to feel like someone's fucking priority. I have never been ever- not for my parents, not for my friends, not even from my own fucking brother. I let myself live in a lie for two years, thinking its fine if the love of my fucking life is the same, but I just can't anymore-”

“You are!”, James cried. His voice hoarse as sobs broke through his chest. He lunged forward to wrap himself around Regulus. Maybe if Regulus felt his heart beat he'd realize it was doing so just because of him. “You are my priority, Regulus! There is no one in the world I love more than you. I love you so much, please don't talk like that. I can't- Darling, I'll show you, I promise! I'll show Sirius that you're worth it, love. Please just-”

“That's just it, Jamie.”, Regulus whispered, his arms coming up to hold James back. “I don't want to earn my worth anymore. I'm done. We're done, James. It's over.”

Those soft words were enough to break James. He clutched at Regulus like a lifeline as he broke down in his shoulder. He begged and cried and wailed, ready to get on his knees and Regulus just consoled him as if he were a child. He could feel his shoulder get wet from the tears of his lover but he couldn't care less. He would soak up every single inch of Regulus, he would hold him until they merged into one being, until he absorbed him into his heart and skin. 

“Please, please, please, Reg- I can't.”, he sobbed as Regulus pushed him away, steering him to the Floo once again. He gently pushed him in, prying away his hands that clutched at his shirt. “I- Th- this can't be it.”

“Then how come it is?”, Regulus whispered and broke his heart once again. A “Goodbye James.” and a last glance at the tearful and lovely and beautiful and heartbroken face of his lover was the last thing he saw, before the green flames claimed him once again to deliver him to a flat that will never again feel like home.

James wished they had burned him up when he landed in his living room, breaking down as he hit the floor. Warm arms encircled him instantly and the scent of citrus made him aware of who was holding him. James didn't know if he wanted to bury himself or wrench away from the reason he felt like his world was ending and his chest was caving in. 

In the end he proceeded to just shatter, in the hopes that when he is whole, it will be Regulus holding him together.