Chapter 1
The atmosphere on the train could only be described as light. Filled with bustling laughter and friends reuniting. Students rambling about their summers, first years either sitting in nerves or excitement, pondering which house they would be sorted to. The train ride is one of James’ favourite parts of the return to Hogwarts, the fresh exhilaration everyone felt, the feeling of starting new every year, seeing all the young and innocent faces boarding the Express for the first time. It reminds him of his own eagerness when he was eleven, when he was simply bouncing with anticipation to finally see the school his mother had raved about.
Sure, he had his anxieties, his English hadn’t been great, only having lived in England for a year by that point, but he was determined to improve.
Walking down the train hall with Sirius in tow, entering their seventh year, James thinks back to his first time on the train, sitting alone in a compartment, trying to practice his English like he used to with his mother when a young boy with dark black hair and sharp blue eyes came staggering in, muttering French swears that James noted were oddly similar to the Spanish ones he knew.
Heading into seventh year, James sat with his best friends in the train compartment, retelling their summers and thinking of ways they could leave their mark this year. That was what James wanted. He didn’t want to be lost or forgotten, not just by people, but time. He wanted to leave his mark on the world, something that years down the line, well after he’s gone, they will still talk about. Something that could go down in history, that could make people remember his name. Remember him so his life is not buried in time. James wanted his seventh year to go out with a bang, he wanted to spend his days with his friends, creating more memories he can hold onto forever, he wanted to find love again, and he wanted to keep it. He already knew who he wanted, he just remained unsure if they would want him.
James had a plan this year, no more messing around. With people that is, the occasional pranks are still fully on the table. No more meaningless nights, no more senseless flirting, no more vacant intentions with random students at parties. James had his heart set on someone. Maybe he always has, maybe Lily was safe. Maybe James and Lily found each other when looking for an escape, maybe they were too comfortable, too easy. Maybe James wants something different, maybe he wants passion, he wants the bantering, he wants the push and pull. He wants the good and the bad. It can’t just be good all the time, like with Lily, that’s not realistic.
Although, it may have been that way with Lily because they essentially forced themselves to switch from close friends to lovers, but evidently it didn’t work, and not just because Lily likes girls instead. James’ only problem now is what he wants, he can’t have, not without risk of losing something else.
He listened to Peter talk about traveling to Ireland for a month with his parents. He listened to Remus recount the days his mother took him to Welsh beaches or his father trying to bond with him over books he didn’t know existed but it was nice that he tried. He listened to Peter tell them about the cat his parents adopted, they named her Taco and no, he can’t tell you why.
He listened to Remus detailing each new book he bought and read during the two month break, most of them were fantasy, some were non-fiction history books, like the nerd he is. He listened and nodded along when Sirius recalled the most exciting parts of them playing quidditch in the backyard. James listened to everything while still thinking of what transpired last year.
God, it couldn’t leave his mind, it never did. It was on his mind all summer, but he couldn’t tell anyone. Especially Sirius, are you kidding? Sirius would kill him. Remus could keep a secret, sure, but this was not something James could just send in a letter, what if someone else saw it? Peter absolutely could not keep a secret, he’d probably run and tell Sirius immediately. If not Sirius then the closest available person, there’s just no way he could keep to himself. James really needed to tell someone, but he couldn’t. So he sat and listened until he had to leave and find Lily and the new Gryffindor Prefects.
Lily. Yes, he could tell Lily! They’re set to be Head Boy and Girl this year, they’ll have plenty of time just the two of them to talk. He can definitely trust Lily with this, she wouldn’t tell anyone. Firstly because it’s not her secret to tell, secondly because it would be outing people, and if there’s one thing Lily can’t stand, it’s the lack of human decency people seem to have. Yeah, he can absolutely talk to Lily about this. He just has to keep his mouth shut for a few more hours and he’s good. He just needs to not say anything until tonight, when he and Lily are in the Common Room while the rest of the house falls asleep.
James should have known he wouldn’t have it that easy, there was no way he could just not talk until late at night, his friends are too conversational sometimes. Why can’t they just sit in silence? Remus understands, not so much Peter or Sirius, that there doesn’t have to be constant conversation, there can be quiet. Sometimes, quiet is good, quiet is nice. But it’s the train ride to school, the first time they’ve all been together in two months, so there is no such luck.
“You’re awfully quiet over there Prongs, what’s on your mind?” Peter asks, and isn’t that the question, what’s on James’ mind. There are significant people in that train car who cannot know the true answer to that question. He could say he’s thinking about the past, but Sirius will make a joke about being too deep, Peter will probably say something along the lines of ‘that’s sad’ and Remus will most likely ask if he’s okay. So that’s a no.
He could say he’s excited about the pranks they can pull this year, but Remus would see right through that, James has significantly relaxed with his troublemaking behaviour —sort of— so that doesn’t work either. He could say he’s stressed about the school year, but that will just make his friends stress too, or they’ll spend the rest of the train ride trying to get him to talk about it. So he just settled for a little white lie.
“Oh, just zoned out for a second, sorry.” He put a smile on his face and focused on listening to his friends.
James thought he covered himself successfully, but Remus, that smart son of a bitch, he still saw through it. Sirius didn’t appear fazed at all, he just continued on with whatever story he was on now, James lost track. Then he backtracked, maybe having clued into what Peter noticed, James wasn’t sure. Sirius stopped mid-story and turned to him. “Pete’s right, you’ve been quiet,” he said. James looked between the two friends, doing whatever he could to avoid Remus’ eyes. God, he just has a talent for knowing when James is lying and he’s not in the mood for it. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to zone out.” James shrugged, hopefully that was that.
“No no, not just now, I meant over the summer too.” Shit. He noticed. “What?” Maybe if he acted confused, they’ll drop it, yeah, that could work… right? “Yeah, you’ve been… not really you, are you doing okay? Did I miss, like, one of the signs or something? Are you—”
“Sirius! I’m fine, okay? Everything’s fine,” James said.
He loves Sirius, really, but not everything circles back to this one thing. Sometimes maybe he just doesn’t feel the need to fill the silence. “Are you sure? ‘Cause if you wanna talk, we can listen and—” James cut Sirius off again, standing up abruptly, “I’m going to find Lily,” he huffs. Sirius chuckled, “oh… that’s why you’re quiet. Thinking of ways to win her back, huh? I didn’t realize you were heartbroken over this, mate.” Right, they still don’t know Lily doesn’t like guys. James sighed and turned back around.
“No, we’re both Heads this year, we’re supposed to meet with the other Gryffindor Prefects right now,” he said calmly, “if you’re so pressed about it, how ‘bout you date Lily?” He left the compartment after that, determined to find Lily and talk to her now instead of later. James knows he’ll have to talk to Remus too, he’s probably confused since he’s one of the Prefects. Oh, those are going to be some weird vibes in the meeting. Whatever, he can’t deal with that right now, he’s got one thing he’s focused on and he desperately needs to get it off his mind.
James remembers seeing Lily closer to the front of the train, she probably found a compartment there with Mary and Marlene. He was focused on looking for them; he didn't register bumping into someone until the contact left his shoulder and he whirled around to see the exact person who occupied his mind all summer. “Shit, sorry Regulus,” James apologized softly, trying his hardest not to smile brightly in his presence. “Piss off, Potter,” Regulus scoffed, walking away quickly. It took James a second to recover before continuing on to find Lily. Now he really needed to talk to her. Just as he thought, they were near the front of the train with Marlene, Mary, and Emmeline, and all of a sudden, he was terrified to try and talk to her.
“Oi, James! How was your summer mate?” Emmeline asked him with such excitement in their voice, like she was actually happy to see him, it caught him off guard. “Er, yeah, it was fine,” he forced out, “Lily, would… would I be able to borrow you for a bit?” God, why was he so anxious now? It’s just Lily! Get it together!
“Oh, shit, is it time for the meeting already?”
He didn’t have a chance to tell them no before they were up and out of the train car. “Er, not quite yet, I kind of… needed to talk to you first,” he said nervously. Lily looked at him skeptically, “this isn’t where you confess you love me and want to try again, is it? Because that didn’t exactly work, James, and I–I really—”
“No! No, definitely not! It’s about something else.” Lily nodded and led them to an empty compartment, sitting down without question to listen. That is exactly what James needed, someone to listen and, hopefully, not judge what he’s about to say like he knows Sirius would. Oh, Sirius would absolutely judge him. She waited for him to sit and gave him one second to gather himself. “Alright, what’s going on?”
“I like someone.”
“Oh, fuck, this was way better than what I was thinking. Tell me everything!”
James told her all of what happened last year. He told her what he felt about it, what he still feels about it, what he thinks, what he wants. He told her about how it’s been impossible to get it off his mind. How living with Sirius is getting that much more difficult due to this one thing he absolutely cannot tell him. Lily let him rant about everything until they had the meeting. For real, this time.
They walked down the train towards the end cars where each house was holding Prefect meetings. When they passed the Slytherin car, James took a peak and immediately swallowed harshly enough to spark a small coughing fit that continued until they were inside the Gryffindor car.
Lily only lightheartedly laughed, “you’re helpless.”
“Wait, helpless or hopeless?”
“Both apply.”
James took a seat beside Remus, who, as he suspected, leaned over, “you alright?” His first instinct is to nod and smile, but the past six years have confirmed he’s incapable of getting anything past Remus, so he just sighed. “I’m not going to be able to avoid a talk tonight, am I?” Remus pursed his lips and shook his head. Great.
Ever the professional, Lily started the meeting with ease. Considering the previous Heads graduated, there were two spots for new Prefects: Nicolas Ideyo, a fairly quiet fifth year, and Sky Mallard, another fifth year who kept eyeing James like he was rare candy.
Prefect meetings like this were really only for the newbies, but over the years it’s eased anxieties to have the others present. Plus there’s a rules refresher. Regardless of already knowing who everyone was, considering they were all in the same house, Lily made introductions before going over the rules and the responsibilities all Prefects had. Throughout it all, James could feel Sky’s eyes on him, it was starting to creep him out, if he’s honest. Why was she staring at him?
It was like she was waiting for the perfect moment to talk with him, and she got it sooner than James would have liked. As they wrapped up the important information, Remus moved to greet and catch up with Lily himself, leaving James open for Sky to slide in.
“Now that I’m a Prefect and you’re Head Boy, what d’you say we sneak up to the Prefect bathroom on the fifth floor and… recount events from last term.” Her voice was supposed to be seductive, but James was not at all seduced, more like confused. His eyebrows knit together as he moved his body in a way to ask ‘huh?’. “You know, the mid-term party last year, you and I had a lot of fun that night.”
Oh! That’s why she seemed familiar. He vaguely remembers hooking up with her that night, but to be fair, he was insanely drunk and he didn’t remember doing the strip dance on the table Sirius claims happened.
James saw Remus and Lily looking over at them in shock of Sky’s apparent boldness. He hadn’t even registered the way her hand was creeping up along his leg, but his friend’s certainly did. “Oh, erm… I’m–I’m good, actually.” He looked over to Remus and Lily, silently asking for assistance.
“Oi, James, d’you think the stash is still there?” God bless Remus and his ability to save his friends from awkward situations on the fly. “Should be, yeah, haven’t touched it since last term.”
“I say tonight’s the night to dip in,” Remus grinned, “Lils, what say you?”
“Oh, actually I—”
“Yes! Yes, Lily will be joining us,” James eagerly said, sending Lily pleading eyes. If they joined him and Remus tonight, they could be there to ease his anxiety telling Remus what he told them earlier. “Alright fine, but you owe me,” Lily huffed.
“How many chocolate frogs do you want this time?” Remus joked, drawing a laugh from James. “Depends on how long tonight is,” Lily countered, “I charge by the hour.” Which is true, James knows, last year when he desperately needed help with his Potions homework, Lily got three chocolate frogs for having studied with him in the library for three hours.
The remainder of the train ride James spent with Lily, setting up schedules for the Prefects, making sure Remus is never on shift when it’s near a full moon. Plus, James is quite prepared to cover his rounds if he needs rest.
Soon enough, the train arrived at Hogwarts and they all trickled out to the carriages. The feast this year was mad, it was a shock James never gained excessive amounts of weight whenever he ate in the Great Hall, but, he supposes, that’s the perks of Quidditch training not to mention having a Spanish mother always trying to feed you, he’s used to it.
Catching up with all his friends at the Gryffindor table on the first night back after summer has always been something James loved. He loved listening to all of Mary’s adventures and all of Lily’s activities. He didn’t exactly need to hear Marlene’s summer, he usually sees her quite a bit. Marlene lived in the town over from James and during the summers, she would come over often and they would spend all day together. Now with Sirius living there too, the three of them got up to a fair amount of trouble.
While he was enjoying himself, a part of him felt that pit of anxiety about tonight. How would Remus react? Certainly better than Sirius would, but he might still freak out. Throughout dinner, he kept stealing glances over to the Slytherin table and dammit Remus noticed. Why does he notice everything? Why is he so goddamn observant?
“Se trata de Slytherin, ¿no? ¿Es por eso que estabas actuando raro antes?” Remus asked him in a hushed voice. “No Slytherin específicamente sino alguien en Slytherin. Lily ya lo sabe pero hay alguien en esta mesa que no puede saberlo.” James replied in the same volume. He was well aware of Peter and Sirius’ eyes on them, trying desperately to understand their Spanish gossiping.
(“It’s about Slytherin, isn’t it? That’s why you were acting weird earlier?”
“Not Slytherin specifically but someone in Slytherin. Lily already knows but there is someone at this table who cannot know.”)
Six years of their friendship and they still can’t pick it up. James bonded with Remus in first year because Remus could understand him. Since then, anything the two of them need to say, they’ll whisper in Spanish to each other. Maybe they’ve continued it not only because it’s nice to keep a conversation between them but it’s funny to watch their two friends struggle.
“Mierda, ¿estás hablando de—”
“¡Ay ay ay! ¡No lo digas mientras él esté ahí! Más tarde.”
“¡Bueno! Más tarde.”
(“Shit, are you talking about—”
“Ay ay ay! Don’t say it while he’s right there! Later.”
“Okay! Later.”)
“I hate when you two do that, fill us in!” Sirius whined, damn, he really is just like a dog, James thinks, his Animagus form is fitting in every sense. “Padfoot’s right, it’s really unfair,” Peter chimed in. James looked from Remus to his friends and shrugged. “Not my fault you two never bothered to pick up Spanish in the six years we’ve known each other.” Remus just laughed.
Students started exiting the Great Hall, either heading to their dorms or the courtyards, others were moving between house tables to see friends. James watched as Pandora left Ravenclaw and made her way over to her sibling and their Slytherin friends. Emmeline left the Hufflepuff table and joined the rest of them at Gryffindor, catching up with him and Remus.
“OI! THERE’S A FULLY GACKED SEX MAP IN THE ABANDONED STAIRWELL!”
All hell broke loose, students running after the fourth year that shouted. Sirius was the first of them to jump up, laughing in surprise as he followed the crowd. Lily grabbed James’ hand and dragged him while muttering something about how their failed relationship is probably there. That’s not what James was worried about, though. What if the other things he’s done are on that map?
Sure enough, the abandoned stairwell had a wall covered in spray paint of Hogwarts students’ endeavours. The crowd surrounding the map was eating it up. There was a legend off to the side of the map, illustrating the meanings of each line drawn between names; hook ups, fucking, dating, broken up, simping, scissoring, blow jobs, hand jobs, fingering, threeways, it was all there.
James was in fact on the map. His name spray painted in bold black letters with a yellow sun beside it. All his friends were up there too. Remus and Sirius, Marlene, Lily and Mary, everyone, even Peter was up there. “Holy shit, everyone whose fucked everyone,” Sirius commented, he seemed to be enjoying this.
Students were laughing. They were laughing at this map and the revelations that came with it. “Oi check out Potter’s body count!” Some Ravenclaw with an irritatingly grating voice said. “Damn, Potter, you’re a slut, mate!” Another student laughed. They laughed, like this was funny. It isn’t funny. “Woah, Lupin’s a slut too! Check that out!”
They found this amusing, James didn’t. The exact thing he had been stressing about was sprayed onto that wall in defined lines, connecting two names together. Just a few stupid lines, and those could be the ones that wreck so much. His eyes found Regulus easily, like they were heightened to his presence. He was looking at it too, his own blue eyes trailing over the same lines James saw.
“Who in their right fucking mind would think this is cool?” Regulus scoffed. Sirius just turned to him with an oblivious smile, “ah, don’t worry Reggie, it’s probably all bullshit, I mean look at this line between you and…” James gulped, his breathing stilled as he prepared for the anticipated explosion. Sirius froze, realizing who’s name it was, he cleared his throat before he turned to James next.
“James, why are you connected to my brother?” It seemed like hundreds of eyes were on him. Regulus’ friends were trying not to laugh, Peter’s eyes were blown wide at not only James’ secrets but his own being put on full blast. James was at a loss for words, he had no idea what he could possibly say to save his ass. “You should probably run,” Remus whispered to him, although with the deafening silence surrounding them, he’s sure everyone heard.
Sirius looked back at the map, as if to check if what he saw was real or not. His eyes widened further and it was a miracle there wasn’t any steam blowing from his ears. “Remus? You hooked up with my brother?” Oh, he was mad. “We should both probably run,” James whispered back to him. “You both hooked up with my little brother?!”
“Go!” Remus exclaimed and they ran for it. The two of them darted out of the stairwell and split up somewhere in the quad, James headed towards the astronomy wing, figuring he could hide there for a while.
Fuck, this was absolutely not how he wanted to start his last school year, exposed and his best friend chasing him around the campus.