Chapter 2
Regulus felt mortified, his personal life is spray painted on display for the entire school to gossip about. Honestly, who in their right mind thinks this is funny or a cool idea? Apparently Barty, until Evan smacked him and he realized Regulus thought the opposite. He bolted from that stairwell nearly as fast as Sirius did chasing after his best friends. Regulus was terrified. What if this got back to his parents? It was easier for Sirius now, he ran, he doesn’t have to worry about it, but Regulus does.
He hurried through the empty corridors on autopilot, carrying him to the one place he has always found comfort in his time at Hogwarts. The Astronomy Tower. He loved sitting up there late at night, when the world falls quiet and all that exists is him and the soft breeze that blows and the stars in the sky. Regulus always found solace in the stars, maybe it’s because he’s named after one, or maybe it’s because stars are predictable, they have their constellations and their clusters and that’s where they live. In the Astronomy Tower, watching the sky, he feels as though he’s a part of those families of stars. Isn’t that what they were all searching for? Their place in the world? In the sky?
With the mayhem in the abandoned stairwell, the rest of the campus is empty, easy to slip away and hide. Easy to get lost in the stars.
The stars don’t judge you, that’s what Regulus loves about them. He could pour his heart out to the shining masses of gas millions upon millions of miles from him and they wouldn’t judge him, they would just listen. Stars are some of the best listeners out there.
Regulus got to the top of the tower, unintentionally startling a spooked James Potter out of his hiding spot where he was crouched behind a cabinet. “Mierda! Oh, Regulus, I thought you were Sirius,” James panted, standing up and clutching a hand to his chest while he caught his breath. Regulus scoffed, his eyes rolling as he went to turn back around.
“Wait, wait I— why do you seem like you’re mad at me?” James asked. “Mad?” he nodded once, “earlier on the train, you–you seemed pissed at me, and now too, so…”
“Well I wasn’t mad at you on the train but I certainly am now,” Regulus responded. “Why?” He looked at him with an expression that could only be described as ‘are you kidding?’ he couldn’t be that dense. “The entire school now knows you and I hooked up so forgive me if I’m mad about that.”
James stood there for a moment and Regulus could visibly see him thinking. He could actually see thought bubbles appearing over his head. “Regulus I don’t know how someone found out but I didn’t tell anyone,” he said, “well, okay, I told Lily but that was today, on the train, in private. No one heard us, trust me, I didn’t want the risk of Sirius finding out anymore than you did I’m sure.”
“Well he knows now,” Regulus sighed, crossing his arms. James nodded again. “Yeah, he’s going to kill me for sure, like actually murder me dead. Remus too, probably,” he exhaled heavily, sliding down against a pillar to sit on the floor, “so you and Remus also hooked up, huh? When did that happen?”
Regulus really hated the idea of confiding in James about anything, but something about him in the glow of the stars and the quiet and safe atmosphere of the Astronomy Tower had him sitting down across from him and spilling his secrets. “Fourth year, he was my first kiss.” James raised his eyebrows.
“Really? Damn, Moony,” he chuckled. If Regulus didn’t know any better, he’d think there was a look of admiration when James lifted his head again to meet his gaze. But that’s insane, he’s just reading the situation wrong. Regulus cleared his throat, “who was your first kiss then?”
“Sirius, oddly enough,” James chuckled again, “in second year we saw these two seventh years making out and we didn’t really understand the whole hype around it,” he paused, shifting his gaze to look out at the sky and the scenery surrounding Hogwarts, “so we kissed each other to see what all the fuss was about.”
“And? What was the verdict?”
A third voice in the tower made them jump, a startled gasp escaping Regulus’ grasp. “The verdict is that we are one hundred percent uninterested in each other but apparently, little brothers are fair game!”
“Sirius—”
“My little brother! Are you kidding me James? Why would you do that? Why would you keep that from me?” Sirius exclaimed.
“Er I don’t know, maybe because he’s your little brother and I knew you would react exactly like this,” James responded sassily, he spoke in a way that should not have made Regulus grin the way he did, or blush. “Besides, it’s not like you told me about you and Remus!”
Sirius scoffed, “that’s different! He’s my little brother, James! Friends don’t just go hooking up with their best friends' little brothers! That’s not—”
“Stop referring to me as little brother and start talking like I’m actually sitting here.” Regulus was already annoyed with his brother’s antics, he has been since the train station when Sirius flipped him and their parents off before boarding. He did that just as a ‘fuck you’ to their mother and father, so why did Regulus have to be included? It was bad enough Sirius abandoned him, but now he’s publicly giving him the finger? What did Regulus ever do to him?
He thought they had repaired their relationship, especially in fourth year when Regulus came to him hoping to change his hair to feel more like a boy. Sirius had found a way to get his hair short but would change it back to long for the holidays. He had gotten Alice’s old binders they didn’t use anymore and gifted them to Regulus, charming them to fit him perfectly. Sirius did everything he could to help Regulus feel comfortable in his body. They spent an entire night in the Astronomy Tower thinking of new names, Sirius tried to divert but Regulus wanted to stay on the star theme.
Sirius ran away after that, and all the work they had seemed to do to fix their strained relationship seemed to run away with him. One minute Sirius was telling Regulus to stay in his room and not come out for a few hours, the next he heard screaming and then… silence. Sirius was gone entirely, only a poorly written note on his bed saying he had to leave.
“I really wanted to believe that was bullshit, that whoever made that map got unreliable intel and that it wasn’t true, but it is true, isn’t it,” Sirius narrowed his eyes in Regulus’ direction, “you actually did do all that stuff with James. My best friend, you did that? What, did you do that to spite me?”
“Surprisingly enough, Sirius, not everything is about you, but yes, I did do all that stuff with James,” Regulus said smugly to his brother, and he watched as his eyes seemed to gloss over in anger. “I should probably run again, shouldn’t I?” Sirius nodded, “yeah, you should.” Regulus rolled his eyes as James didn’t dare waste another second, taking off before Sirius could grab him.
This was certainly an eventful way to kick off the year. Perhaps the Clock Tower was the better way to go, Remus thought. Sirius didn’t find him there, having chased James further down the corridors instead. It gave him a chance to catch his breath and circle back around, heading towards Gryffindor Tower. Chasing people around like this is ridiculous, honestly, if Sirius wanted to yell at him, he could do it while Remus curls up in his bed with soft blankets and fluffy pillows for all he cares. It won’t change anything, what’s happened has happened.
On his way up the grand staircase, he was already exhausted, he just wanted to crash and deal with everything tomorrow, but other people had other things in mind. He froze on the stairs when he heard his name called from a voice he hasn’t spoken to in a year, his ex-girlfriend.
Remus and Viv dated mid fifth year to the start of sixth and they haven’t spoken since, regardless of both being Gryffindors. Remus cared about Viv, he really did, but his heart wasn’t in it like it should have been, and he cared about her too much to string her along if he knew it wouldn’t go anywhere.
He turned around on the stairs, watching her meet him halfway with her friends trailing behind. She stopped in front of him with a sigh, “those names on the map, were any of those when we were dating?” Remus was shocked she would think that, did she actually believe he would have cheated? Does he look like a person who would cheat on someone? “No, Viv, of course not,” he said easily, “why would you think that?”
“Remus, there were a lot of names connecting to yours, like a lot.” The air around them was silent, Viv looked at him as if she was expecting him to backtrack and confess to having cheated at one point or another. Remus cleared his throat, “Yeah I erm… parties, y’know? Plus, I’ll be honest some of those were before we even dated at all,” he admitted, rubbing his hand against the back of his neck.
When he finally made it to the dorm, he was bone-tired, collapsing on his bed with a groan. Peter was sitting atop his own bed, flipping through an old magazine he’d left behind from last year. Over the past several school years, Peter has somewhat learned that when Remus comes into the room like this, don’t bother him. Remus will talk when he wants to talk and until then he’ll stay quiet and let him rest.
Unlike Sirius who comes bursting in through the door, instantly ranting and yelling his head off at Remus. Most of it, honestly, was just him repeating the same thing over and over and over. A part of Remus is at least slightly thankful he got roughly an hour of quiet beforehand. He continued screaming and screaming until Remus finally screamed back for him to shut up.
“Sirius, it happened like two years ago, it’s not that big of a deal. Your brother is allowed to do whatever he wants with whoever he wants, you can’t dictate that,” Remus said, huffing a breath out as he adjusted himself into a proper sitting position on his bed. “I’m not dictating, I’m just being protective, alright? And anyone is allowed to be mad that their best friends hooked up with their younger sibling!”
“Then you have to be mad at Pandora too, and Barty, and Evan. If you’re being protective, it can’t just be aimed at me or James. Being mad at just us is in fact you dictating who Regulus can and can’t be with,” Remus countered, “so while you work through your brother having his own life and his own interests, I’m going to go find James, I need a fucking smoke after this.” Sirius didn’t say anything after that, Remus only felt his eyes watching as he left the dorm.
Reaching the bottom of the staircase, he sees a mess of red hair sitting in front of a fire that matched in colour. Remus plunked down beside Lily, laying his head in their lap, to which they quickly responded by carding their fingers through his hair. It was silent for a while, nothing but the crackling of the slowly dying fire could be heard in the Common Room. Everything seemed… peaceful. Like the fabric of friendships hadn’t imploded only hours before. He could find James in a bit, he just needed some quiet first.
Today’s train ride appeared to have been the calm before the storm, but Remus now fears they are currently in the eye of that storm, and who knows how long it’ll last. It could be raining for days, maybe even weeks. He feels as though he’s just waiting for the wind to pick up, the howling and the whistling as it blows wild. He’s waiting to hear the harsh pelting of a constant downpour, a possible mix between raindrops and hail. Combine that with the vicious wind, who knows where the rain will land, and that nasty concoction of a storm is what Remus is dreading navigating.
The portrait opening broke the silence, a stressed and frankly disheveled looking James stepped through, his eyes frantically scanning the Common Room. “He’s in the dorm,” Remus said, startling James to his presence. He flopped into the empty spot at the end of the couch, resting his back against the arm so he could face his friends. Remus lifted his head from Lily’s lap, “so I take it I was right earlier, the thing we were going to talk about?”
“Yeah, you were right. I told Lily on the train, before the meeting,” James said, nodding his head. Remus noticed how he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, starting to chew at it. A nervous habit James has always had. The past few years, Remus would keep a bag of crisps or sweets in his school bag to give whenever he noticed the habit. It was a small gesture in effort to help but one Remus knows he appreciates. He didn’t have any snacks on him now, though.
“Oh so that’s why you left the car earlier than we needed to,” Remus said, letting it click in his head. “Yeah, I— Sirius was questioning me and I just… I needed to talk to Lily so…”
“Happy to be of assistance,” they smiled.
“Tomorrow’s term party is going to be the weirdest one yet, I can feel it,” Remus exhaled, “alright, tell me whatever you want to tell me about this.” Boy did James tell him. James recounted, what Remus is assuming, everything he told Lily previously that day.
James told him how it happened the first time, when it happened the second time, how he can’t stop thinking about it. James told him everything while he continued to pick at the skin of his hands —another nervous habit Remus had gathered, this one he would normally give James something tangible to have his hands focus on instead, but he had nothing today.
“Do you want it to happen again?” Remus asked, humming as James hesitantly nodded his head. “I think I really like him, Moony,” James whispered, “I–I don’t know what to do about it, because I would never want to risk losing Sirius and–and I don’t… I don’t even know how he feels, y’know like– does he like me too? Does he hate me? What does he feel?”
Before Remus was able to answer, footsteps descended from the dormitory stairs. Casting a glance, it was Peter dragging Sirius behind him. Peter had a determined look on his face, getting Sirius to sit in one of the chairs adjacent to the couch. Remus could hear James’ anxiety, the way his breathing faltered and possibly even an audible gulp of him swallowing nervously. “Please don’t hate me, Sirius,” he whispered, pleading.
“So… Peter really laid into me upstairs, after you left, Remus,” Sirius started, turning to Peter, “good to know you finally found that confidence we’ve been talking about,” he praised. James, Sirius, and Remus have been trying to help Peter with his esteem, working with him on raising his confidence and not allowing their classmates to walk over him. They wanted Peter to be able to stick up for himself, looks like he finally got it. Sirius sighed, “look, I am in no way happy at all about any of this. I mean, you two lied to me.”
Remus looked at James before turning back to Sirius. He shut his eyes the moment James opened his mouth, that lovable idiot, he’s just going to make this worse for them. “Technically, we never lied. It’s not like you asked us ‘hey did you hook up with Regulus?’ and we said no,” he argued, and Remus could see the exact moment he, too, regretted speaking. Sirius huffed, “James, I’m trying to have a civil and calm conversation with you here, can you not?”
“Sorry, sorry, you’re right, that was stupid.”
“Alright, listen, I am in no way happy about this, or okay with this, I am pissed. I am absolutely pissed at you both, but… Peter has persuaded me to… not actively try to kill you,” Sirius said, “so I am going to continue being pissed about this, but I’ll keep that to myself, and if we could just not talk about it, that’d be great for me keeping my temper.” Honestly, Remus was impressed that Peter managed to convince Sirius of this. He and James were both expecting to be hated and possibly hunted by Sirius for the remainder of the school year. But he’s actually behaving maturely now, thanks to Peter.
Remus nodded while James anxiously stuttered through an agreement. He stood up from the couch, exhaling heavily, “I really need a smoke now, James, where’s the stash?”
“Oh it’s er… you know what I’ll just come with you to get it.” James stood as well, pausing as he faced Sirius. “Do you want to join us, Pads?” He appeared desperate for his best friend to be okay with him. His voice was soft, close to fragile, and he waited patiently for an answer. Far more patient than Remus would have been. “Nah, no,” Sirius shook his head, “I want to keep my cool and I think if I join you for a smoke tonight, I’ll lose it again.”
Shit, Sirius really was being mature. Like a new level than he has ever previously been, Remus respects it. He finds it attractive, if he’s been completely honest.
The pair left the Common Room and Remus followed James down corridors to where he apparently stored the stash at the end of last term. “The West Well passage? Really?” Remus questioned, “why the hell did you stash it here?” James shrugged as he opened the passage for them. “It leads to the fountain in Hogsmeade, I reckon it isn’t a terrible place to get high, probably quite peaceful.”
“Fairly sure I’d take the forbidden forest over the fountain in the dead center of Hogsmeade late at night when we aren’t supposed to be off castle grounds,” Remus complained, but regardless he followed James through the passage. “Ay dios mío, relax Rem, you’re a Prefect and I’m a Heady this year, we’ll be fine.”
“Famous last words.”
Nevertheless, James’ stash was near the exit of the passage, which Remus found annoying, why not keep it near the front? Closer to the castle so they could sneak it back to their dorm faster? But no, James likes to smoke outside, and apparently that means in the middle of Hogsmeade where they are barely legal wizards still in school with a curfew. Remus will never fully understand James.
Not understanding him did nothing to divert him from giving in and lighting a joint as they sat on the rock wall of the fountain. He doesn’t need to understand the way James’ mind works to get high, he just needs to get high. Simple as that.
Remus blew a cloud of smoke and turned to James. They hadn’t talked since they lit the joint, just passing it back and forth, puff after puff. Now on the second joint, he broke the silence. “So you really do like him, huh? How so?”
“What do you mean ‘how so’?”
“I mean what do you like about him? What do you know about him? What do you know besides what Sirius has told us about him, James? What is it that makes you attracted to him?”
Remus grabbed the joint back from James, taking a long drag of it while James exhaled, chuckling lightly. “Oh like you don’t understand the allure of the Black family, you’ve hooked up with both of them!” He laughed.
“But this isn’t about me,” Remus joked, dragging his words. Alright, joint number two on a fairly empty stomach considering dinner was cut short, definitely enough to get them high, especially with the amount of weed James tends to pack in them.
James shrugged, “just looks to me like we’re attracted to a pair of rich French guys.” They laughed, and honestly in their state right now, they probably would have laughed at anything. Remus’ brain was fuzzy enough that he couldn’t deny it, he did find Sirius ridiculously attractive and he may have thought of pouncing on him once or twice since they last hooked up. But that’s irrelevant right now, what matters is how James is dealing with things, how he is handling what has occurred between him and Regulus.
By the looks of it, James is lost. He is lost in his head.