Fourteen
8th November 1976
Life is emotionally abusive
And time can’t stop me quite like you did
And my flight was awful, thanks for asking
I’m unglued, thanks to you
James
The full moon the night before had been absolutely awful. Moony had seen Padfoot and immediately started growling at him in a way they’d never seen before, Padfoot whimpered and bowed his head in submission but it didn’t make any difference to the wolf. Wormtail had noticed the chemical change in Moony before the rest of them and squeaked a warning to them, but it was only moments before Moony launched himself at Padfoot, needing Prongs to step in. From there the night had only escalated.
Somehow, through mere herculean feat on Prongs’s part, Padfoot had remained uninjured through the night leaving Sirius only slightly more exhausted come morning when they wrangled Moony back into the shack for him to turn back into Remus. Peter, James and Sirius did little more than exchange confused and wary looks on their trek back up to the castle, none of them entirely certain what had transpired the night before. All James knew now, as he sat outside the entrance to the astronomy tower, was that he was more exhausted than he’d ever felt in his life.
It might’ve been that, his deep, aching tiredness; or it could’ve been listening to Regulus’s soothing voice. Whatever it was, James found himself falling asleep right there at the top of the tower.
The first thing he noticed upon opening his eyes were the beautiful ones staring back at him. Then, the rest of the picture came sharply into focus. Regulus was crouched in front of him, brows furrowed in a rare display of confusion that James was beginning to catch more and more glimpses of. He’d fallen asleep. Fuck, he’d fallen asleep.
“Reg, I can explain,” he stuttered, not sure what he was planning on saying if Regulus gave him the chance.
“I was hoping you would,” there was nothing James could discern about his tone, nothing to clue him in on how the other boy was feeling. He looked for any physical tell, but other than an arched brow, his face was entirely expressionless and his eyes were almost steel.
“I uh, I fell asleep?” It came out as more of a question than he’d meant it and he mentally cursed himself for not thinking of something better.
“Gathered that much myself, thank you.” Regulus almost looked like he was hiding a smile, but it might’ve been James’s overactive imagination and stupid fluttering heart that made him think so. Things had been different between them since Sirius’s birthday, but he wasn’t sure if they were quite at the ‘hey so, I’ve been listening to your incredibly personal and private fake conversations with your brother for the last month,’ phase of their relationship yet.
“Listen, I uh-”
“Normally I’m all for a bit of torture but even this is causing me pain, Potter.” He interjected, holding his hand up between them. “Let me save us both an aneurysm, I already know.”
“You, you what?” James couldn’t process what Regulus was saying to him, how could he just know? “Regulus, I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing.”
“Oh, so it wasn’t you that’s been outside this tower every morning for the last month?” He cocked his head to the side, a feigned innocence on his face as if he wasn’t aware that the words he’d just said would be the thing to send James to an early grave.
“You knew?” He croaked, feeling a thousand emotions flash through his body all at once.
“I knew,” Regulus answered with a single nod, and oh if that wouldn’t just be the death of James. He was at least glad he’d have something nice to look at when he threw himself off the tower they were sitting right outside.
“How?” His voice broke on the question, he was almost certain he looked and sounded pathetic.
“You didn’t silence your feet on the stairs,” this time a smirk worked its way onto Regulus’s face, the sight of it pulling at something inside James.
“You knew,” he didn’t know why he just kept repeating that, but more poignant words eluded him.
“Salazar, have I broken you?” Regulus almost looked like he wanted to laugh, James wondered bitterly if he’d still be laughing at his funeral.
“You just might’ve,” he finally managed, proud of himself for being able to speak more than two words.
“Let me know when you’re fixed and we can talk like the adults we sort-of almost are,” he sat across from James then, legs stretched out in front of him and a serene look on his face. Anyone who walked up on them would never think anything was wrong with Regulus, he didn’t appear angry or sad or curious, just nothing. He was still undeniably beautiful though, that only made the situation all the more terrifying. How could he still be so- so- him right then? After what felt like ages but could’ve only been moments, James cleared his throat to get the other boy’s attention.
“You knew,” Godric, so he was back to that again.
“Yes, I knew. And before you ask how long, I’ve known since the first day.”
“How do you know it was the first day?”
“You suggested one-on-one the second day,” Regulus’s brow arched as if he was daring James to deny the truth.
“And you didn’t say anything?” That had to be the most shocking part of all of this after determining that Regulus in fact had known about James’s secret obsession this entire time.
“Potter I-”
“Call me James, please,” he wasn’t sure where the request came from, only that in the last few weeks a part of him ached to hear what his name might sound like in Regulus’s aristocratic drawl.
“James,” he paused, rolling the feel of his name over his tongue, testing the weight and feel of it as though he had never said it before, and maybe he hadn’t for all James knew. “I was waiting on you to either stop or explain to me what the hell you were doing.”
“Well, uh,” Regulus was looking at him in that soul-penetrating way he often would when he knew he’d worked you into a trap. “There really is no easy way to say this, but one morning I came up here looking for you, Dorcas had said something to Marlene about not being able to meet in the Astronomy tower because you’d be here. I thought that was strange since we meet on the quidditch pitch every morning, I just wanted to see if it was true?”
Regulus sat with that information a while, surveying James to see if he was telling the truth. Which, if he were telling the truth he might’ve told Regulus that Dorcas hadn’t even said that until recently and he’d forgotten about it until that moment when he needed to find a convenient lie.
“That only explains the first day, what about the others?” Ah, that, right. That was the one flaw in his story he couldn’t find a reasonable excuse for. The one thing that wouldn’t make sense without bits of the truth, or maybe the entire truth.
“At first I was just curious, you know, I wanted to see what you were doing up here so early. Then, I liked listening to you talk. I know the words weren’t meant for me, but I liked to pretend that they were, like maybe we could be friends.” There, that was close enough to the truth without getting too dangerously near it, regardless it still sent his heart thudding into overdrive when he thought about the blatant rejection that might possibly be waiting for him.
“Why, when you have so many of them already, would you want to be my friend?” Two things happened in that moment: one, James’s heart broke for the boy sitting across from him, how could Regulus not see his own value? Then he felt the sinking horrific feeling that Regulus might just not want to be James’s friend.
“I can be myself around you,” he offered up weakly. Because Regulus would see it as a weak excuse, a lie almost. As far as he knew, James was himself all the time.
“What does that mean?” Still no emotion slipped through Regulus’s carefully crafted mask, it was driving him mad.
“Around everyone else I have to be ‘happy James Potter’ but that isn’t exactly me all the time,” he started, trying to keep himself as safe as possible when telling Regulus this.
“I’m aware,” was all he said in response, and if that doesn’t just seem to be the sentiment of the morning.
“Well, you’ve seen one of my ‘not happy James Potter’ moments and you didn’t leave, you haven’t treated me any differently since then, though I will admit that definitely was not the worst it gets by far. But, well, I thought if you’d like to be friends, then you know I wouldn’t leave you either.”
“You wouldn’t leave?” He whispered the words so quietly, and in such disbelief that James was certain they weren’t meant to be said out loud, even more certain that the words weren’t meant for him to hear.
“I’m kind of famous for not leaving, especially when it’s ‘leaving well enough alone’ as they say,” he hedged a joke and felt the reward wash over him like a gentle wave at the beach when Regulus let out a small laugh.
“You’ll leave eventually,” the younger boy didn’t meet his eyes, but James knew if he had they’d be that stormy blue he’d seen at Christmas.
“I won’t,” he felt the words before he said them, knew they’d be the truth in this life or any other. James Potter had never left anyone.
“What about Sirius?” Of course Regulus would ask about the one part of all of this that he just hadn’t figured out yet.
“I don’t know what to do about Sirius, maybe he would understand?” He certainly wasn’t expecting the laugh that came out of Regulus at that, though maybe he should’ve.
“Maybe Sirius would understand? My brother, Sirius?” He said between laughs as though it really were the funniest joke he’d ever heard.
“Sirius can be very understanding,” James offered lamely, as if any situation Sirius had ever been understanding about had come anywhere close to what this would be.
“Just warn me before you try and see how understanding Sirius is about this yeah? I’d like a bit of a head start before he irreparably hexes me,”
“Would you rather he not know?” The suggestion sounded ridiculous to James, not tell Sirius? Who was he kidding?
“Yes,” well, he really should’ve expected that response.
“You want me to not tell Sirius?” He was certain the shock and horror were evident on his face.
“I’m assuming you haven’t told him anything yet,” and, well, Regulus had him there, the bastard.
“No,” he managed to force out, though he didn’t exactly like admitting to it.
“Perfect, so just keep not telling him and we’ll both be fine.” Of course he would think it that simple, he wasn’t the one lying to his best friend.
“But your friends know,” he whined petulantly.
“None of my friends are your brother who hates your guts are they? Unless of course you have a secret brother,” Regulus’s face looked how it did when he was taking on a challenge, something James had gotten an up-close look at in recent weeks.
“No, I guess they aren’t,” he admitted after a while, loath to do so and once again prove Regulus right.
“There you go Potter, nothing has to change.”
“Except that, please don’t call me Potter, it’s so formal,” he scrunched his nose in disgust.
“Fine, James, nothing has to change.” He gave a small smile, one that warmed James from the inside out. He felt his own lips tug and his cheeks warm, loving the way Regulus said his name, almost like it was meant for him to say. Which he was aware was a ridiculous notion, but all the same, something in it just felt so right.
“Practise?” He asked, needing further confirmation that they were okay. Regulus just nodded, stood, and offered his hand to help James stand.
“Maybe we take it easy today? You seem a little more tired than normal,” the look he gave made James feel like Regulus somehow knew exactly where James had been and what he had been doing all night, but he knew it was just his overactive imagination. There was no way Regulus could possibly know anything, how could he?
“Yeah, tough time sleeping last night,” he shrugged, fighting off a yawn.
“I’m sure it was,” he said with a knowing smile before walking down the steps, leaving James to follow after him. They walked in silence, though it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, unlike what he experienced so often with others. They had a short but overall fun practice, and by the end of it both boys had broad grins and easy laughter shared between them. “You’d make a fair seeker,” Regulus commented as they walked off to get showered and changed.
“I’d be nothing compared to you, especially if you can manage to prove that I’m correct about the proper use of the Transylvania Tackle,” James replied with a laugh.
“How long has this debate been going on again?”
“Oh, since long before we arrived here I assure you.” James had told Regulus one morning that the Gryffindor quidditch team had been debating on which position on the field would be able to use the Transylvania Tackle in a way that made sense and actually benefited them. James had taken up the idea that it would be a good diversionary tactic for one seeker to be able to distract the other in order to get the snitch, the team was split over all on what position they each thought would benefit the most from it.
“Do you even know the last time that move was used?”
“No one does as far as I can tell, that’s why it’s debated so much.” The two boys finally separated and went to shower and change in their respective locker rooms, an easy and relaxed smile on James’s face the entire time. Their morning practice had soothed him so much that he’d almost forgotten exactly why he had been so tired in the first place. He remembered when he walked into the Great Hall. Peter was the only one at the table, Sirius likely was still in bed and Remus in the hospital wing, James felt guilty for his good morning.
“Mornin’ Pete,” James offered as casually as possible as he sat down.
“Padfoot wouldn’t get out of bed this morning,” Peter huffed in response, giving James the distinct impression that Peter had tried very very hard to drag him to breakfast with no success.
“It was a long night for him Pete, he’ll be fine soon enough,” he figured he’d bring both Remus and Sirius some food anyways, even if they didn’t eat it he could still at least talk to each of them and try and clear things up from last night, though he knew Remus practically drowning in potions to make him sleep he also knew that a warm breakfast plate waiting for him would let him know someone had at least stopped by. He shovelled his own food in as fast as he could before haphazardly making two plates for his friends.
“You taking them breakfast?” Peter eyed him, James knew Peter was about to offer to come with him, but not only did James know he’d rather eat his breakfast at a normal pace, he needed to do this alone.
“Yeah, I’ll meet you in class okay? I know you don’t like to rush your meals and I don’t want to be late today. I’ll only be a bit,” he called the last bit over his shoulder as he walked down the Great Hall and through the doors, taking off at a sprint the second he was alone. He stopped by the hospital wing first, knowing that Remus would already be asleep and wouldn’t wake until lunch, but he needed to go anyway. The hospital wing had always been quiet, sometimes even quieter than the library, and this morning was no different. Madame Pomfrey was likely in her office, no beds had their curtains drawn except the one that seemed almost reserved eternally for Remus so James knew she must have a free morning otherwise.
The curtains sounded too loud when he pulled them back, he winced at the harsh noise in the otherwise silent room. Remus hardly snored on a normal night, but when he’d been given draught of peace, dreamless sleep and pain potions he looked more dead than asleep, the only indicator of life was the slight movement in his chest when he breathed. He was grateful that Remus had someone to take care of him here, someone who made the pain of the transformations away from home feel marginally better. James only stayed long enough to leave the plate on the bedside table under a stasis charm and close the curtains properly behind him, he’d talk to Remus when he felt better, he deserved to rest for now.
His stop in Gryffindor tower predictably took much longer than his one in the hospital wing. Sirius for his part, was snoring like an old dog splayed across his bed taking up as much room as humanly possible, and for someone built like Sirius a twin sized bed was far too easy to take up. First James tried the usual yelling Sirius’s name, but he should’ve known it wouldn’t be that easy. Next, he attempted to tickle him awake, but that only earned him a surprisingly well-placed hit for someone that was asleep when they did it. His last resort was dangling bacon in front of his nose and hoping the smell would somehow permeate his subconscious enough to rouse him. It worked.
“Mmm, bacon,” Sirius moaned before he even opened his eyes, causing James to laugh.
“I brought you a whole plate from the Great Hall, if you’re hungry,” Sirius sat up then, eyes darting around looking for his offered food, the second his eyes landed on the plate he snatched it up and immediately began wolfing it down. “We should talk about last night.”
The immediate reaction from Sirius made James flinch and wish he could take the words back. He froze mid-bite, ice-blue eyes snapping with his own. “I don’t want to talk about last night.”
“Well if you won’t talk to me, you should at least talk to Remus, I don’t know what's been going on with you two lately but it’s putting strain on Pete and I. Figure it out, Sirius,” he wasn’t in the mood to beat around the bush and sugarcoat things for Sirius’s benefit. Something had happened between those two and the tension it brought to all of them was weighing on James more than he’d even realised.
“Why do you always assume I did something?”
“I didn’t say that,” he knew he sounded tired, he was tired. Out of everyone he’d been the one physically trying to reign in Moony and on top of that he’d gone straight up to the astronomy tower afterwards, then followed that up with quidditch. All in all he’d somehow end up being the one running on the least amount of sleep again.
“Well why am I the one that’s got to talk to him then? What if he’s done something wrong and needs to come talk to me?” Sirius got like that sometimes, petulant, he almost sounded like such a child at times that it forced James to remember how little of a childhood he’d actually gotten.
“I’m going to have the same conversation with him later, but he’s asleep from at least four different potions at the moment and I can’t exactly talk to him right now.” He tried to keep his tone even and calm so Sirius wouldn’t feel quite so reprimanded, he hated having to be the responsible one in the group all the time. That’s what you do, he guessed, when you love someone the way he loved his friends; you take care of one another when you need to, you let them rely on you when they don’t have anyone else to rely on, and you tell them when they need to take care of their shit before it irreparably ruins everything.
“Just as long as you’re keeping things fair,” he grumbled his response into a piece of toast.
“Right, now that we’ve got that covered, hurry up and eat and get dressed. I don’t fancy being late today,” James responded, already moving to get clothes for Sirius to wear out of his trunk.
“Can’t I just sleep a bit more?” He whined, running across the entire forbidden forest the night prior had reasonably worn him out.
“No, we made a promise to each other and to Remus that we wouldn’t let this interfere with school. On top of that, we can’t have anyone suspecting anything. We all agreed to it Sirius,” he threw the other boy’s clothes at him as he spoke, not willing to hear any arguments.
“We didn’t exactly plan for something like last night.”
“No, Padfoot, we didn’t. But I have more than a sneaking suspicion that whatever happened last night was because of something that happened between you and Remus, nothing whatsoever to do with Moony and Padfoot. So, I suggest you just manage to get through classes today and talk to him the second he’s able.” James paused, not wanting to say anything too harshly. “I can’t do another night like the one we had last night Sirius, so whatever it is, you need to figure it out.”
“Or what, I can’t come for moons anymore?” This was the part James knew he was going to hate, but one that would be necessary.
“There’s no point if you’re just going to upset him by being there. Figure it out, please, Padfoot has always comforted Moony in ways Wormtail and Prongs just can’t, I don’t want to lose that.” He hoped his words sunk in, thought maybe Sirius would get the hint that he was speaking about more than just their animagi, but wouldn’t put too much riding on that notion. He’d just have to talk to Remus as soon as he could.
His chance came far sooner than he’d anticipated, though he should’ve expected Remus to seek him out the moment Madame Pomfrey cleared him to leave. He’d probably bartered with her, used his winning smile to get her to let him go early if he promised to go to bed no later than seven-thirty. So when Remus found him as he was leaving his second to last class of the day, he shouldn’t have been surprised at all.
“Shouldn’t you be resting?” He’d asked the moment Remus sidled up next to him.
“What happened last night?” Of course that’s what he’d want to talk about, it’s what James wanted to talk about too but he hadn’t quite prepared himself for it yet.
“I was hoping you might be able to answer that for me, mate.” He paused, trying to choose his words carefully. “You seemed awfully upset with Padfoot, know why that might be?”
“I might,” he answered with an obvious wince, James walked past the turn for his class, instead taking a different turn to head towards an unused classroom.
“Wanna talk about it?” He offered once they’d made it inside and cast silencing charms on the room.
“Not really,” Remus slumped into a chair and rested his head in his hands.
“Well, you’re going to talk to Sirius about it. I don’t care who did what to who, honestly it doesn’t matter. You two need to get whatever this thing is between you sorted,” he tried his best not to sound like his mother chastising him though he wasn’t sure if he’d managed it properly.
“I really don’t feel like talking to Sirius about this,” it must’ve been something bad for Remus to not even want to talk to Sirius, he’d even agreed over the summer after everything that had happened in February.
“Well it can’t be nearly as bad as the last awful thing he did and you’ve talked to him since then,” he challenged, not willing to let this slide another eight months.
“That was different James.” He crossed his arms and tilted his head defiantly in a way that was so like Sirius it was easy to tell the two had spent an inordinate amount of time together.
“Well it really can’t be worse can it?”
“No, it isn’t,” he sighed heavily, a defeated look on his face.
“Great, so you can talk to him then!” James wasn’t taking no for an answer and the sooner Remus realised that the better.
“And if I don’t?” He challenged, obviously looking for any way out of it he could possibly find.
“Sirius can’t come for the moons anymore,” he knew the threat that had worked on Sirius would affect Remus too. Even though the other boy didn’t remember the night, he still noticed a difference the next morning between how it was with and without Sirius.
“How bad was it?” He winced, clearly anticipating anything.
“If it weren’t for me you would’ve ripped him apart Remus, I’ve never seen that kind of reaction to Padfoot before, usually he’s the safest option out of the three of us. It wasn’t even like you didn’t recognize him, you knew who it was but it was like you hated him.” This was the part he’d been dreading, how did you tell your friend that he’d nearly killed one of his best friends?
“Like I said, it’s bad,” Remus was sheepish as he said it, almost like he was afraid James could read the answer right off his face.
“Can I fix it?” He felt the need to offer, to try. He wouldn’t really be James Potter if he didn’t.
“I’m not sure anyone can James,” he offered a sad smile.
“Will you talk to me about it?” He nearly pleaded, hoping this time his friend might change his mind.
“I can’t, I’m sorry.”
“Can’t or won’t?” He felt there was a very big difference between the two, one that usually made all the difference in the world.
“A bit of both I guess,” the other boy answered warily, “I’m sorry James, it’s just not entirely my secret to tell and if Sirius wouldn’t tell you either then I’ve no more right to than he does.”
“What the hell kind of answer is that, Remus?”
“The best one I can give you,” he huffed out a laugh, though it was a bitter one.
“You gonna talk to Sirius?”
“Yeah, I’ll talk to him,” he didn’t look entirely certain about this decision but James knew he would do it nonetheless. The tension between the two had grown in a way they weren’t used to, James didn’t like that two of his best friends wouldn’t tell him what was going on with them and neither of them were budging. He knew he wouldn’t get anywhere.
“Let’s get you off to bed, I’ll bring dinner up to the room for you,” he offered his arm to Remus for support and helped him back to their dormitory, his mind turning with possibilities and potential solutions or explanations the whole way. His friends would make up, they had to, James wasn’t sure he could survive without the three of them by his side.
Once he’d left Remus in their room to sleep it was far too late to attend his last class, far too early for dinner which wouldn’t be for several more hours. He thought fleetingly about trying to take a brief nap, but he wanted to be there when the others got back, if only to warn them off from going upstairs. With not much else to focus on, his mind began drifting back to that morning spent in the company of a beautiful boy with black curls and eyes that shifted colour. He thought long and hard about him, about the things he knew and all the things he didn’t, about their conversation that morning and how to show Regulus that he’d meant what he said.
James thought so hard his head actually started to hurt, he needed it all out. Then, without even really thinking about it, he grabbed a piece of parchment and his self-inking quill and set to work writing. He wrote and wrote and wrote until the thoughts in his head quieted down, all laid out in black swirls on sheets of cream. An idea had taken hold of him, one he was determined would work.