Fifteen
10th November 1976
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Every time I don't, I almost do
I almost do
Regulus
Regulus had been feeling a lot of conflicting emotions over the past several months, and for once he’d actually allowed himself to feel them. He wasn’t sure why, where it came from, or how he was supposed to get it to stop. If he were being honest with himself, he might admit that there was a part of him that didn’t want to stop feeling them. He would, he’d have to in order to make it through the winter break that was looming just over a month away.
He didn’t know where he and Potter- no, James- would stand following the break, he knew whatever they had probably had an expiration date that was fast approaching. But the way the other boy had lit up so brightly when Regulus called him by his name? Somehow it made it all worth it, though he’d never admit it. They were floating feet apart, James flying a slow circle around him while he rambled on about something. It had been dizzying at first, after so long of it though he’d gotten used to it.
“You’re going to get dizzy and fall off your broom one day,” he remarked dryly. Just because he was used to it didn’t mean he wasn’t going to comment about it, he’d said he wanted to be friends right? Well, he was in for the full Regulus Black friend experience.
“Would you catch me?” He lowered his head and batted his eyes, a mock flirt like one of the many girls who had flirted with James he was sure.
“I’d laugh as you fell,” he felt a smirk try to tug itself onto his lips, but it wasn’t the cruel one he’d rather it be so he tried to stop it from happening. He almost succeeded.
“I am saddened and hurt by this turn of events, I thought we were friends Reg,” he clutched his hand to his heart in mock hurt and over exaggerated his voice to the point anyone could tell he was being sarcastic, even someone with absolutely no social cues whatsoever would see it.
“You remind me of a rodeo clown,” he snarked when the thought came to him. He imagined for a moment what James would look like with one of those cheap rainbow wigs and puffy polka-dot jumpsuits. The look rather suited him, Regulus thought.
“A what?” That made him finally stop, right in front of Regulus, his face all scrunched up in confusion.
“It’s a muggle job, they’re entertainers. Usually they have all kinds of dramatic hand movements and clothes, they make people laugh.” He gave the simplest definition he could, not wanting to explain the intricacies of the circus to James right then.
“You think I’m funny?” His face lit up like the muggleborn kids’ siblings Regulus saw every year when they returned to Hogwarts, the magic of the Hogwarts express never ceased to amaze kids entirely unexposed to magic.
“In an overly-exaggerated-you-should-be-embarrassed kind of way,” he scoffed, not wanting to enlarge his already oversized head any further.
“You’re so mean,” it should’ve sounded affronted but to Regulus it almost sounded affectionate. Which couldn’t be right, not unless James had been dropped on his head repeatedly as a baby. Although, he had to admit, that would explain a lot about him.
“I could be a lot meaner than this,” he tried, voice monotone and a single bow arched.
“Well don’t hold back on my account!” He laughed and turned, “come on Reg, let’s actually get some practice in, you can funnel all your mean energy into that.”
With that he flew off down the pitch, the quaffle tucked under his arm. Regulus had honestly forgotten James had had it while they’d been talking, another thing that had become a disturbingly common occurrence. They’d started spending more and more time during their mornings together just talking, and he found that he didn’t entirely mind it either. Some mornings James just rambled on about whatever thoughts popped into his head, others he spent asking Regulus different questions about himself, and some mornings were spent with endless teasing between the two young wizards.
This friendship with James was different for Regulus, entirely unlike any of his others. There was something different in the energy that crackled between them, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He tried, Merlin, he tried. He’d just never felt this way around another person before, and he wasn’t entirely sure what to do with it.
His thoughts carried him through practice and his day, all the way into prefect rounds that night. He was walking with Pandora on their route, chatting idly with her about whatever came into her head as they walked. At the moment it was the different possible uses for murtlap essence in strengthening a potion she was working on. They’d almost made it entirely through the upper corridors on the Eastern side of the castle before he noticed that they weren’t alone. At the other end of the corridor stood Lupin and Evans, the latter shifting awkwardly as they approached.
“Evening,” Regulus offered hesitantly when they were close enough, unsure about what was going on.
“Regulus, would you mind finishing your patrol with me?” Lupin phrased it as a question, but something in his eyes told Regulus that it wasn’t really, rather a polite command disguised as a question.
“If the girls are amenable to it,” he glanced at Pandora, hoping she might save him from whatever fate surely lay ahead, but either she didn’t notice his distress or didn’t care since that meant alone time with Evans.
“Fine with me,” the traitor shrugged and walked over to loop her arm with the other girl’s before leading her off around a corner.
“Perfect, let’s go this way,” he noticed that Lupin walked in the exact opposite direction from where the girls had gone and his stomach almost dropped. There was only one thing he could fathom Lupin wanting to speak to him alone about, and he was going to kill James Potter. The silence between them stretched on, Lupin walked at a casual pace as though he was in absolutely no hurry to get this conversation over with. After they’d turned several corners and meandered down a few hallways, he finally stopped and turned to Regulus. “What’s going on between you and James?”
“I’m not sure what you’re referring to,” he feigned nonchalance, if Lupin was asking him this question certainly he hadn't actually had anything confirmed by James, right?
“Can we skip to the part after I tell you that James hasn’t said anything but I still know? And no, I won’t tell you how.” He paused for a moment as though he wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted to say his next words before rolling his lips into a thin line and nodding once to himself. “Before you ask, James doesn’t know that I know and Sirius doesn’t know at all.”
“I don’t understand what it is that you want to know,” Regulus tried hesitantly.
“You see him every morning.” It wasn’t a question, but Regulus nodded anyway, resigned that Lupin wouldn’t be deterred and the only way out of this conversation was through. “You practise with him.”
“Yes,” he breathed, becoming more and more unsure of where this conversation was headed.
“Just started this year?” This time it was a question, Lupin was heading into territory where he no longer had the answers.
“Yes,” his eyes turned to the floor now, unable to look Lupin in the eye while he talked about this. It felt incredibly personal to him for some reason. The only other person who knew he met James for practice in the mornings was Pandora. Barty and Evan knew he and James talked and maybe even that they were friends, but they didn’t know where it had started or how, and they didn’t ask either.
“Why?”
“What do you mean?” He looked at Lupin now to find his eyes already firmly locked on him.
“Why James? Why now?”
“I- I don’t know,” he finally managed, barely above a whisper.
“Let me know when you figure it out, yeah?” Remus offered an understanding smile before turning like he was going to continue on their rounds. But Regulus wasn’t ready yet.
“Don’t tell Sirius, please,” he felt small in that moment, asking for that one thing and he hated every second of it.
“I won’t, someone will have to eventually but it’s not going to be me.” The way he said it Regulus knew the words he wasn’t saying. He wasn’t going to tell Sirius because either Regulus or James would have to confess their sins all on their own. Though how much of a sin was it really, just to be friends?
“Thank you,” he wasn’t even sure if Lupin heard him with how quietly he’d said it.
“But Regulus?”
“Yeah?”
“Be careful,” he paused, chewing on his bottom lip in thought. “James is bright and warm and kind, he is life and love personified. But there is a dark side to all of that. Sometimes it’s like that James fire is burning him up from the inside out and he’s just waiting to explode it all around him. When he gets like that, don’t take his words to heart no matter how much they might sting.”
“James can’t hurt me, Lupin.”
“You might think that now, but it’s only a matter of time,” with that he finally turned and continued walking down the hall, leaving Regulus to catch up.
They walked in silence for a while, Regulus hardly noticed with the way his thoughts screamed at him. He and James had been found out, they’d been found out and yet their secret was being kept. But how long would it last? How long would Lupin be able to keep this from Sirius? They were nearing the Great Hall now, they’d be catching up with Pandora and Evans soon he was sure. They only had a few classrooms to check before the hallway would open up when Regulus opened one of the classroom doors and found someone standing in the centre.
“It’s after curfew,” he said at first, hoping to catch the student’s attention. It was too dark for him to see anything other than a tall shape in the centre of the room. He took a few hesitant steps in, unsure of what might be waiting for him inside. “I said-”
“Reggie?” It was Barty. It was Barty and he sounded broken.
“Barty?” He crossed the room then, stopping when he was face to face with his friend in the darkness. “Barty, what are you doing here?”
“I was just talking to Evan,” he sounded far off as if he weren’t actually present, stuck somewhere between talking to Regulus and reliving something.
“Okay? Where is he? Has he just left?” He tried gently.
“I- I don’t know,” he shook his head. “He left the common room, he’s been doing that more lately, I just wanted to see where he was going.”
“Okay?” He wasn’t sure where this could be going, or what had Barty in such a state.
“Everything okay?” Fuck, he and Lupin were doing prefect rounds and he’d spent longer than normal in the room.
“Yeah, be out in just a second,” he called, hoping it would be enough for the other boy to not look into the room.
“Reg-”
“Listen Barty, I don’t have much time. Just stay here until I come back for you okay? I don’t want to leave you but Lupin could walk in here at any second and will probably slap you with a detention.” He whispered, rushing through his words to get them all out.
“Regulus, is every-” Lupin started then stopped as he walked into the room.
“Don’t,” Regulus barked, he wasn’t sure what but he knew he would do something if Lupin so much as made one joke at Barty’s expense in that moment. Lupin’s steps faltered but didn’t stop and he drew nearer, enough that he could make out that this wasn’t a typical ‘student out of bed after curfew’ situation.
“Is he okay?” He asked softly to Regulus in a show of kindness he hadn’t been anticipating.
“I don’t know,” he found himself answering. Something within their soft exchange caused a sob to fall from Barty’s lips as he started shaking his head.
“Do you want Pandora?” Lupin offered softly.
“Ye-”
“No!” Barty interrupted with a cry, his head shaking becoming even more frantic. “Not her, p-please don- don’t let Pandora see m- me.” His words were broken by gasps of air and small whimpers.
“Okay, no Pandora.” Lupin’s voice was softer than Regulus had ever heard it. Though, to be fair, he hadn’t spent much time in situations with him that warranted it. “Is there anyone that you do want?”
“Ju- just Reg,” he answered, shaking his head.
“I’ll tell the girls you’re walking a lost Ravenclaw back to their dorm, it should buy you enough time for Pandora to get back to the Slytherin common room and back to bed.” Lupin offered immediately to Regulus.
“Thank you,” was his stunned response. Lupin nodded softly at him before leaving the room, shutting the door behind him with a soft click. The moment they were alone, Barty fell to his knees as a pained sob wrenched itself from him. Regulus got to his knees in front of his best friend. His very first one. “What happened?”
“Ev- Evan he- and I- I just don’t know what to do,” he was grateful for something at least partially coherent. Regulus had only ever seen Barty like this twice before and both times he hadn’t been able to make his words have any kind of sense to them for hours after Regulus had found him.
“What happened when you followed Evan?” He offered, hoping that giving Barty a jumping off point would allow him to structure a sentence that clued Regulus in on what this crisis was about.
“He came here,” another broken sob closed off his words.
“Did he come here to be alone?” Regulus asked to which Barty shook his head. “Was he meeting someone?” A nod. “A friend?” A sob and another head shake. “Was it a girl?” A nod. “Were they-” he couldn’t finish, but Barty still nodded. “And this upset you?”
“I- I think I’m in lo- love with him,” the words sounded like they were wrenching themselves free from somewhere buried deep within the darkest corners of his soul, and knowing Barty they likely were. Regulus knew that he would have spent years stuffing those thoughts and feelings down and burying them deep.
“I’m sorry,” he didn’t know what else he could say really. There was nothing that would take this pain away from his friend. Regulus was honestly shocked, he’d thought for sure that Evan returned Barty’s feelings. “Are you sure?”
“That I love him?” He scoffed.
“No, about the girl.”
“They were half undressed by the time I got here,” he bit out with a glare. “Salazar, I feel so stupid.”
“You can’t control your feelings.”
“You can,” Barty responded bitterly.
“No, I just control how I show them. There is a difference.” He wasn’t so naive to think that he could actually control his emotions with his occlumency. He could hide them, he could make them look different and disguise them, but he had no more control over what he actually felt than anyone else did. It was his daily waking nightmare, drowning in so many emotions that he had to lock them up and keep them at bay.
He watched his brother live carefree and happy while he carried the burden of locking everything about himself away behind so many defences that sometimes he lost them. He wouldn’t change it though, if given the choice. In a world where it was himself or Sirius carrying this burden, he would choose himself every time if it meant his brother got to be free.
“I thought he felt the same,” he whined, a broken and indescribable sound coming out of him.
“I thought he did too,” because he did, this was the last thing he’d been anticipating.
“I just don’t understand,” and neither did Regulus.
“You said you talked to him?” He couldn’t quite get a grasp on the timeline of events.
“Yeah, um, after they were done,” he gulped.
“You waited until they were done?”
“I waited in the hall,” he tried, as if that would make the situation any better.
“Okay, and then what?” Regulus tried gently, hoping Barty wouldn’t get lost inside his own head again just trying to recall it for his sake.
“I asked him what the hell he was doing like a crazy jealous girlfriend,” Regulus’s eyes had adjusted enough to the dim lighting that he swore he saw Barty roll his eyes.
“You can’t help how you feel,” he tried soothingly.
“Well clearly I need some lessons from you on bottling them up better because this just won’t work. I’m going to have to get used to it.” He was starting to sound angry now.
“What do you mean by that?” He didn’t know what he thought was going to come out of Barty’s mouth next, but he never could’ve anticipated what he ended up saying.
“Evan said he’s just getting ready for the rest of his life, or whatever that fucking means. He said he’s trying to find himself a wife before his parents find one for him and he’s just ‘sampling the market’.” Barty paused his enraged speech to take a breath. “He’s going to be bringing his conquests to the dorm at some point, he said he was tired of nearly getting caught.”
“He’s going to do what?” Regulus was appalled, not only for Barty but Evan too. He knew Evan’s parents were planning on arranging marriage contracts sometime next school year, it was apparently an old Rosier tradition. Marriage contracts were arranged, discussed and signed within the child’s sixth Hogwarts year, they would spend their seventh year publicly courting their match and then marry the summer after the younger of the two graduates if there is any kind of age gap in the pairing.
“I don’t even know where this came from. I don’t know if his parents said something in one of their letters, I’m just losing my mind here.”
“We’ll figure something out, okay?” He didn’t know what they could do, but there had to be something. He knew there was no way he had misread things between Barty and Evan, there was no way the feelings could be one-sided. He remembered how heartbroken Evan had sounded when he asked Regulus if Barty had meant their kiss at the party at the start of term. He’d seen the way the two looked at one another and how intertwined they always were.
He and Barty knelt on the hard stone until their entire bodies ached, but Regulus didn’t once mention the idea of going back to their dorm. He sat and waited for Barty to be ready, for his friend to decide he could face the room with the boy he loved. When Barty was finally ready, they walked to the dungeons hand in hand, Regulus giving him the support they needed. Finally, when they found their way to their room buried beneath the lake, Regulus pulled Barty into bed with him and wrapped him tightly in his arms, shutting the curtains with a flick of his fingers.
“I’ve got you, we’ll figure this out.” Regulus soothed quietly as his hand rubbed circles onto Barty’s back. He didn’t allow himself to sleep until the other boy’s breathing evened and he was certain sleep had overtaken him.