Seven
10th October 1976
I tapped on your window on your darkest night
The shape of you was jagged and weak
There was nowhere for me to stay
But I stayed anyway
Remus
It was early, Remus shouldn’t even have been awake, and yet he was. He’d always had trouble sleeping around the full moon, and since Madame Pomfrey insisted he sleep all day in the hospital wing the day prior to recover, he’s wide awake at four in the morning when he should be asleep. He groaned and turned over in the bed again, the ancient metal frame creaking under his weight. One more hour, he’d decided to give himself one more hour of tossing and turning before giving up and his patience was beginning to wear thin from the idea.
“Fuck it,” he groaned before sitting upright in his bed, he would just have to find a way to entertain himself. Remus was glad, for that reason among many others, that they’d left him with the map and he could pass his time by seeing if any little dots moved before they were supposed to. He reached under his pillow and grabbed ahold of the seemingly blank parchment and his wand before tapping the map. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”
The lines bled onto the page, forming the walls of the castle first before forming the smaller details. Remus loved the map, it was one of his favourite magical items and that fact had nothing to do with his involvement in creating it. The map had gotten them out of trouble, helped their prank planning, and even helped them to avoid minor confrontations, needless to say it was like an extension of the group. He skimmed over the different areas of the castle, not surprised when he saw Regulus Black’s dot in the astronomy tower. Remus had been checking the map at odd hours since they’d finished it, a side effect of his horrid sleep schedule, and one thing he’d noticed rather quickly was Regulus’s affinity for the astronomy tower before dawn.
At first he wasn’t all that surprised to see James’s dot begin to move when four-thirty started rolling around, the tosser had an affinity for waking up early, even when it drove the rest of them mad. What did surprise Remus however, was James’s dot eventually making its way through the castle, not to the quidditch pitch, but to the astronomy tower. In all their years at Hogwarts, Remus wasn’t sure James had ever woken up early to do anything other than practice on the quidditch pitch or play a prank, and he truly wasn’t sure if there were any pranks any of them had ever thought of that had to do with the astronomy tower.
Regulus was still at the top, his dot not moving from his chosen spot, the best position in the entire castle to view Sirius’s star. James’s dot hovered near the entrance of the tower, not close enough that he’d be speaking to Regulus but definitely close enough to see and hear him. When James didn’t move for several minutes, Remus began to wonder what was going on at the top of that tower and if his friend planned on heading down for his typical morning practice. Around five, James’s dot began moving rapidly down the tower steps, not stopping or slowing once until he was all the way to the quidditch pitch. He thought it was odd until he saw Regulus’s dot begin to move in the same path at a much slower pace, which again he thought was odd until Regulus went all the way down to the quidditch pitch and began flying around with James.
‘What is James doing?’ Remus knew, he just knew, that his friend had made this into his new routine, though he couldn’t say exactly how long it had been going on. How long had he been missing this? How long had Remus been so wrapped up in his own drama that he hadn’t noticed one of the closest people to him had been sneaking around? He knew the answer to that, though he didn’t want to admit to it.
Things had been different since Christmas, for more than just James and Sirius. Remus had worked so hard to pretend like he’d been fine after James came into his room in the middle of the night in tears saying that Sirius had turned up at the Potters’, tried to pretend like his heart hadn’t completely shattered when he arrived and saw an unconscious Sirius laying in the guest room. Remus spent the last few days of their break comforting Sirius as he’d cried at night, being the one to chase away the nightmares he woke up screaming from, something he continued when they made it back to Hogwarts. Well, continued up until ‘the incident’, as he’d started calling it in his head. Remus never could say he understood exactly why Sirius had gone and told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow, only that James had almost been too late in saving him.
James had been the one to come, not Sirius, a fact that still sat like a rock in his stomach no matter how many times Remus tried to fully forgive the boy he loved. Sirius had thrown Snape to the wolves, both literally and metaphorically, and abandoned Remus to bear the weight of that decision alone. That full moon had been February 15th, Remus didn’t speak to or acknowledge Sirius’s existence until the end of June, the longest either boy had gone without the other since their first year when they’d met, and Remus only broke it to ensure Sirius wasn’t going back to Grimmauld.
James spent half the summer going back and forth between his own home and Remus’s, some days he brought messages from Sirius and tried to make amends, others he acted as if nothing had happened. Eventually Remus couldn’t continue watching James wear himself thin trying to please the both of them and he agreed to have a talk with Sirius on the condition that James and Peter allow them to do it in private, and never bring up the tension between the two again. Since that day things had slowly started to get back to normal, or as normal as they possibly could be when he and Sirius had been dancing around their feelings for the better part of a year.
It had started with sidelong glances and lingering touches long before it developed into secret meetings and whispered words, though nothing really happened between them. Remus had loved Sirius for years, a fact he’d only just admitted to himself before everything happened, it all just felt so hopeless sometimes. Their- whatever it was- had only just begun when it abruptly ended, and for months Remus thought he might never even know what it meant to be Sirius’s friend again, that had been the hardest part other than the deep, visceral feeling of betrayal.
Remus was broken from his thoughts by James’s dot suddenly changing flight pattern and circling Regulus’s on the map. What did it mean, James and Regulus flying around together during his practice time? How long had- whatever it was- been going on between them? Was it at all similar to his and Sirius’s- whatever it was? He racked his brain trying to come up with anything he knew for a fact.
1- Regulus had been going to the astronomy tower every morning for years.
2- Remus had never told anyone about Regulus’s morning habits.
3- James had been going down to the quidditch pitch every morning since second year.
4- Remus couldn’t remember James ever going down before five until very recently.
5- Sirius wouldn’t like whatever James was doing with his little brother.
6- Remus had no clue what James was doing with Sirius’s little brother.
7- Remus, under absolutely no circumstances, could tell Sirius about what he’d seen.
A heavy sigh fell from his lips, of course things would get complicated again just as they had started to get easier. Just as Remus had begun to forgive Sirius for what he had done, now he was tasked with keeping a secret that Sirius would never forgive him for, the irony was not lost on him. He felt sick, he hadn’t lied to Sirius in years other than when it was about his own feelings and that had been out of self preservation. Though, he thought, how much of a lie could it really count as if he was telling himself the same one?
“Always up to something,” he heaved a heavy sigh before he finally decided he might as well get ready for the day, grateful that it was Sunday and he wouldn’t have to suffer through classes when he would inevitably tire towards the end of the day. Sirius and Peter would still be asleep this early, and breakfast wouldn’t be until seven and it was only nearing five-thirty as it was so Remus decided on spending a bit of time in the library before most of the other students would be awake.
The library had always been the one place in the castle that Remus could count on to be almost entirely deserted so early in the morning, not that he could be so lucky as to have it entirely to himself. As luck would have it however, the only person he came across happened to be Lily, whom he actually liked.
“Morning Lil,” Remus smiled and sat across from his friend who beamed happily at him.
“Morning Rem, trouble sleeping?” Lily had figured out a while back that Remus seemed to disappear once a month, and it had only taken one of her periods where she’d forgotten supplies and had to run to Pomfrey first thing one morning after a full moon and Lily had pieced it all together.
“Yeah, I’m just glad the moon was on a weekend this month, gave me a full two days to readjust.”
“My offer still stands to brew Invigoration Draught for you,” she’d offered before she even knew why Remus was tired every month, Lily was just that good of a friend.
“Lily Evans, you want to steal from Slughorn and the great establishment that is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? I am shocked and appalled at you, Dumbledore and McGonagall would be horrified to learn that a prefect would be so willing to break school rules in such a way.”
“Pot-kettle much?” Lily scoffed and rolled her eyes dramatically. “You think I don’t know that our prefect rounds have been used to assist in your pranking?”
“Lily,” Remus faked an exaggerated and affronted gasp, “I cannot believe you would ever think so little of me.”
“Honestly, I admire your ability to multitask. You and I could be having conversations about complex theorems while you’re mentally planning a prank and I’m none the wiser, it’s impressive.” He could tell she truly meant it from the earnest look in her green eyes.
“Well I’m honoured you think so highly of me then,” the smile that he returned to her was genuine.
“Truthfully I think you’re brilliant. Absolutely, stunningly, amazingly, brilliant.” The mischievous glint Lily got on occasion was present in her eyes turning the already brilliant green shade into one that was so close to emerald that James had even asked her if she’d stolen two of the precious gems and turned them into her eyes one night when he was particularly drunk.
“What do you want Lil?” As much as Remus knew Lily loved him, and he really did, he also knew that she was never so saccharinely sweet unless she wanted something.
“Help me research my charms essay?” She batted her pretty eyes and stuck out her bottom lip in a pout that Remus knew would make almost any man fold immediately, Lily Evans was an expert at the puppy dog face.
“Oh fine,” he tried to fake a scowl but the way her face lit up at his agreement tore any possibility of that away from him. Remus didn’t like many people, and he had a particular soft spot for even fewer, somehow Lily was one of them.
“Thank you,” she answered in a singsong voice as she slid a book across the table to him. The two researched in silence for a while, the only sounds between them were the occasional turn of the page of a book or scratch of a quill as they wrote. “Pandora got me a book,” Lily finally whispered after a while.
“Oh?” He didn’t tear his eyes from the page but his brows shot up on his forehead.
“Do you remember me telling you about The Well of Loneliness?” Her tone was careful but Remus could tell how excited she was.
“Of course I remember, you found it in Petunia’s things and read it in secret over last summer, the book changed your entire life.” How could he possibly forget when Lily had paraphrased the book at least a hundred times to him last year.
“She found a copy, leather bound with gold lettering and everything. I think it was one of the original ones printed, before it was banned. I haven’t said anything, but Remus I’m absolutely certain that it cost more than a few knuts.” Lily anxiously chewed on the inside of her cheek. Of course the cost of something like that would be something she would consider, something that would drive her absolutely mad.
“Lily, the Rosier family is rich, they’re Sacred Twenty-Eight. Pandora and Evan have access to more money than you or I could ever possibly dream of having, I wouldn’t worry about it too much.”
“No, I know, but how could I ever buy her anything that would compare to that?” She folded her arms over top one another and dramatically plopped her head down on them with a heavy sigh. “Her birthday is in June, Remus, June, and I have to find a way to get her something this incredible by then.”
“Oh come on Lil, you know she doesn’t care about that, you could honestly probably give her a doily and she would cherish it because you picked it out for her. Besides, in case you’ve forgotten it’s currently the start of October so that gives you like eight months. Actually, she might like a doily as a gift anyway so you really can just get it taken care of now,” he added the last part after a beat where Lily didn’t even move to breathe, he was glad when it earned him a laugh and a playful scowl.
“You aren’t wrong, she’d find a way to wear it I’m sure,” she shook her head with the fondest expression on her face. “It’s just been so difficult between us since everything happened last term, I think she thought I’d abandon her just because of Severus.”
“That’s absurd Lily, you would never-”
“I know that, and you know that, but sometimes fear makes people irrational. It’s like you said, the Rosier family is right there on that antiquated list with the Black and Crouch families, and I know how close she is with them, it’s not like anyone in her group other than her and Dorcas has ever been nice to me.” Her nose crinkled a bit at the end, a sign that she was frustrated trying to work it all out in her head. “It can just be confusing, trying to figure out who your allies are. Sometimes I want to just ditch anyone who associates with any of those blood purists, but I know that isn’t entirely reasonable.”
“Well, you could in theory,” Remus replied thoughtfully. “You’ve already kicked Snape to the curb. Which, if I haven’t told you lately, I am so incredibly proud of you for. All that’s left really is Pandora and Dorcas right?”
“It’s just not that simple though, is it? If I cut them out, then what about Marlene, is she guilty by association of association? And Mary too, she’s a muggleborn like me and she doesn’t have an issue with Dorcas or Pandora, but maybe she just hasn’t sat down and thought about it long enough to? Or am I entirely just overthinking things?” The desperation in her eyes made Remus’s heart twinge. ‘And what about James?’ He thought bitterly, though he knew he couldn’t say it aloud.
“Unfortunately Lily, that’s something only you can decide,” he knew it wouldn’t be enough, could never be enough. “If you want my opinion on Dorcas and Pandora as it stands now though, I think they’re both brilliant witches and genuine friends. I’ve seen you all hanging out together and I’ve truthfully never once worried about you with them, not like I did when you would hang out with Snape. Don’t cut them out but stay wary, and if it starts to weigh too heavily on your heart then you know it’s time to walk away.”
Lily was silent for a moment, tears brimming in her eyes changing the colour from deep emerald to a brilliant bottle green as a small smile spread across her full lips. “Thank you Remus, you’re a true friend.”
“Anything for you Lily,” he reached a hand over and placed it delicately on one of hers, giving it a light squeeze. “Except for missing breakfast, I’m absolutely starved.” He declared before he threw his notes into the book he’d been working on and snapped it shut. “Come on Lilypad, let’s go.”
“I hate when you call me Lilypad,” she scrunched her nose but still complied, closing her parchment carefully into her book before sliding both into her bag and standing.
“Ah, but you haven’t given me a better nickname to use,” he linked his arm with hers and started walking from the library.
“Lil works just fine,” she grumbled in her best imitation of being angry with Remus, something she simply didn’t know how to be.
“Sometimes I want something with a bit more pizazz, Lil just isn’t it,” he feigned an almost sad tone. “One day I will find something that appeases us both, but for now you shall remain my Lilypad.”
“Well then dear Remington, hope a new nickname doesn’t curdle your milk too badly.” Lily tried to sound dignified and posh, she really truly did, but she instead ended up sounding more like a caricature of a British person on the whole.
“Remington?” He couldn’t help but snigger, “Remington might be worse than Lilypad.”
“Honestly I think it suits you better than Remus, Remus is so odd. Remington however, now that’s a dignified name if I’ve ever heard one.” She managed to keep a straight face until their eyes met and they started laughing so hard Remus’s stomach ached and tears were starting to brim in his eyes. He really should’ve been paying more attention to the progress they’d made, should’ve watched their surroundings better to make sure they were safe, an oversight he would regret.
“Honestly Mulciber, I can’t believe they just let them back into the school this year.” As much as he wished he didn’t, Remus knew that voice anywhere. Even if he didn’t, the tension that immediately washed over Lily at the sound would’ve clued him in.
“I can’t believe it either Sev, after they nearly killed you last term.” Mulciber of course made sure to increase his volume much more than was necessary to talk to Snape, who was literally standing less than a foot away from him. It got the result he wanted though, every head in the vicinity snapped immediately in his direction so they could follow his line of sight directly to who he was talking about, Remus didn’t need to look to know that every eye was turning towards him.
“Lily, leave it,” he said so quietly that only she heard him, he knew his friend well enough to know that she would jump to his defence at any chance she got. He tried to carry on through to the great hall, tried to drag Lily along with him, but of course she was a stubborn Gryffindor through and through and couldn’t just walk away.
“Just because you never learned to swim Sevvy doesn’t mean it’s everyone else’s fault,” Lily called across the hall in a cavalier tone before quickly swishing her wand low enough that no one saw and whispering, “entomorphis mora.”
“Lily, what did you just do?” Remus whispered in a panicked hushed voice. He didn’t recognize the spell she’d just cast and it terrified him.
“Don’t ask questions, just follow me very quickly and casually,” she once again looped her arm through his and began dragging him into the Great Hall. Neither of them spoke again until they’d slid onto their spots on the benches at Gryffindor’s table.
“Okay, now, what did you cast on him?” Not that anything would really upset him as long as neither of them got blamed for it and it didn’t kill him.
“It’s just a delayed insect hex,” she answered with a casual wave of her hand, “he’ll be fine, really.”
“How delayed?” Remus had just barely gotten the question out when he heard a mixture of screams and laughter coming from across the hall.
“Hmm, about a minute I think.” She casually started spooning food onto her plate and pretended not to hear the commotion going on at the Slytherin table. “It’ll wear off before too long.”
“Eww, he’s looking at me!”
“His antenna thingy touched me!”
“What happened to Snivellus this time?” Remus would know that voice even if he were half deaf and almost dead. Sirius had that delightful smile on his face that lit up his eyes and turned them the most beautiful sapphire blue that Remus had ever seen, his pointed canines poking out ever so slightly over his full bottom lip and his hair was messy yet undeniably perfect. In every single way he was every bit the Sirius Black that Remus had always known and loved, yet Remus couldn’t see him that way anymore without feeling like he’d been punched in the stomach.
“Insect hex,” Lily answered when Remus had been staring at Sirius a moment too long.
“Who did that?” Sirius’s eyes slid between the two with a quirked eyebrow.
“Lily,” Remus managed to choke out with a forced cough to hide the strain in his voice.
“Nice one, Evans!” Sirius held his hand out for a high-five which Lily excitedly met with her own before he ruffled her hair and took his seat across from Remus. “I knew we were rubbing off on you.”
“Who’s rubbing off on Evans? I’d like to rub off on Evans,” James said with a smirk as he slid onto the bench next to Sirius.
“It sounds wrong when you say it like that,” Lily replied with a disgusted crinkle of her nose.
“Didn’t really think about it before I said it. Anyways, why are we rubbing off on you?”
“Oh, no reason,” Lily answered nonchalantly.
“Have you guys seen Snivellus this morning? Someone got him with the insect hex!” Peter exclaimed as he sat down next to Remus.
“Not someone, our very own Lily Jane Evans,” Sirius somehow looked more proud in that moment than Remus had ever seen him.
“You did that?” James’s jaw fell open and his eyes got about as big around as one of the serving plates in the centre of the table. She nodded. “You did that?”
“Yes, James, I did that.” She said with an eye roll. “Honestly, I’m not incompetent in magic!”
“She can beat me in a duel,” Peter piped up rather dejectedly.
“It’s alright Pete, you’re a brilliant strategist and your herbology scores are always the best out of all of us,” James didn’t waste a moment in reassuring their friend. That’s how James had always been, always offering comfort to his friends and finding their best qualities that even they couldn’t see. ‘Is that what he’s doing with Regulus?’ He couldn’t help the cynical thoughts that came to mind, especially after the conversation he’d had with Lily earlier. “It’s nothing to do with your skills, I just never would’ve expected that out of you.”
“Well, you should always expect the unexpected.” She said with a note of finality but her cheeks tinged the slightest bit of scarlet.
The rest of breakfast passed without any further events and no one was able to say for certain that Lily had hexed Snape, though Mulciber insisted that she had, so Lily managed not to get in trouble. James managed to drag everyone outside to sit by the lake and enjoy the warm weather, insisting that they’d all miss it soon enough when the snow and ice would come. Sirius got James to wrestle him in the grass, an activity that, much to Remus’s delight and horror, got both James and Sirius shirtless.
It was times like these, when Sirius’s back glistened with sweat under the hot sun, that Remus wished the hat had placed him into Ravenclaw. He was meant to be reading, he wanted to get ahead in his subjects so he could get a jump on next term, but how was he meant to focus on anything at all when Sirius looked like that? No one would look at him and immediately know it, but Sirius had muscles, and god did they show when he was using them. Oh, how he ached to run his fingers along the dip of Sirius’s spine down to where his back dimpled, it had always soothed Sirius to sleep when he woke from nightmares. How he yearned to hold him in his arms and feel every ripple of his muscles as he breathed, he used to take comfort in the assurance that Sirius was alive and okay as long as he were in Remus’s arms.. He knew that if he held him now he would feel Sirius’s heart beating in time with his own, as if the two started at the same moment in time and would one day cease together as well.
Remus knew he’d have to forgive Sirius one day, and maybe he already had, but he just wasn’t ready to accept it. He couldn’t forgive Sirius until he’d forgiven himself, and he hadn’t yet. Not for lying, not for hurting Sirius even though Sirius had hurt him first, and certainly not for falling in love with his best friend. No, he wasn’t sure he’d ever forgive himself for that.