One
1st September 1976
I've been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting
I didn't know if you'd care if I came back
I have a lot of regrets about that
Regulus
Sirius Orion Black was a dead man. It had been over two months since Regulus had heard from or seen his older brother and if Sirius wasn’t dead, Regulus was going to kill him himself. Sirius had done the absolute unthinkable, he’d left Regulus alone with their parents for the summer, alone. As he moved through the crowd, Regulus could still feel the twitching of his muscles from the remnants of the curse his mother had cast the night prior.
“Remember how this feels, Regulus, this is how it feels to abandon your family. Toujours Pur, remain so and you will never know such pain again.” His mother’s grating voice still echoed through his head. He felt like his skull was about to split but his face remained stoic. It had gotten worse since Sirius had left, he knew they wanted him to blame him, and maybe a part of him did, but Sirius wasn’t the one casting the spells at Regulus’s shaking body. He didn’t have time to dwell on that though, he had appearances to maintain.
His parents felt that Sirius running off to live with the Potters meant more eyes than ever were on them, and in certain circles he guessed maybe there were. That was the problem with coming from the “noble and most ancient” house of Black, everyone was constantly watching. Regulus knew there were certain corners of Hogwarts he might be able to hide from spies, but depending on exactly which portraits were nearby he might not have long. Regulus had learned very early in his Hogwarts career that he preferred the few areas of the castle that were portrait free.
As Regulus boarded the train, he searched everywhere for his brother. The two hadn’t had a good relationship in a while, and he wasn’t shocked when Sirius had left their parents, but Sirius had left him and that was the part he couldn’t excuse. Every door that banged open was a disappointment of scared first or second years until one finally revealed two dark heads of hair as well as two lighter brown ones.
“So, you are alive?” Regulus sneered as the door banged open so hard it started to close again.
“‘Course I am,” Sirius scoffed with one of his infamous eye rolls.
“Do they not have owls at the Potters’?”
“‘Course they do,” Sirius kicked his legs out and crossed them at the ankles, resting his head against the wall of the train car like he was planning to take a nap. The message was entirely clear.
“Screw you Sirius,” Regulus scoffed before turning on his heel and storming off to join his friends. He shouldn’t be surprised after all these years, he lost his brother the day he’d been left on the platform six years prior. When Regulus finally opened the door to the car where his friends sat, he felt a small weight lift off his chest.
“But I’ll do your arithmancy!” Evan was on his knees in front of his twin sister, clutching Pandora’s dainty hands in his own. “All of it, the whole year.”
“Ev, I don’t need you to do my arithmancy,” from the tired expression on her face Regulus could tell that this wasn’t even the first time that day that the twins had been in this particular discussion. He rolled his eyes good naturedly and took his spot next to Pandora. She’d left a book open on the seat for him to glance over when he came in, some new spell she was developing that she’d written to Regulus about over the summer.
“What do you need, Panda? I’ll do it, I’ll do anything.” Evan was clearly desperate and Regulus knew that Pandora being every bit the definition of cunning would be giving Evan hell for this one.
“Anything?” Pandora had one of those sweet faces you just couldn’t help but trust, even when she had a mischievous expression, and Pandora had that mischievous look on her face that only came about when she was up to something particularly evil.
“Anything Panda, swear,” Evan brightened up at the prospect of getting his way.
“Herbology and potions,” Regulus couldn’t lie, even he was impressed with her tenacity.
“Are you mad? You want me to do two whole subjects just for divination?” Evan jerked back like he’d been slapped.
“All you have to do is copy what you’ve already got written down! I have to actually put in an effort to do your work,” Regulus could hear the finality in her tone, this would be Pandora’s offering or she wouldn’t provide what her brother was asking for. Since they were kids Regulus had teased Pandora for behaving like a goddess, only providing what was asked for if given an offering, it had only grown more true as they’d worked their way through school.
“You know she isn’t going to offer anything more favourable, I say you take it.” Regulus chimed in as he skimmed over the same page in the book for the third time. Pandora’s daintily scrawled notes in the margins required the reader to go back through the text several times to fully grasp and he thought he was getting somewhere finally.
“I do your herbology and potions homework for the entire year and you do my divination homework for the entire year?” Evan made sure to word the question as clearly as he possibly could, leaving absolutely no room for misinterpretation. When they were kids Pandora and Evan’s mother had read them books about fae where Pandora learned that the fae never lied and always kept their word, but they were incredibly tricky about what their word meant. Once Pandora had fully grasped the concept she was insufferable. Regulus recalled one occasion where Pandora had simply told Evan she’d do the chores he was about to do if he did her’s for an entire year, Evan was enraged when Pandora told him that she’d only actually agreed to those chores right then where he had agreed for the full year.
“Yup,” she answered with a smile, though Regulus did note that it was the smile she used when she wasn’t secretly pulling one over on someone.
“Deal,” Evan extended his hand to his sister and they shook on it, making the deal official.
“You lot are my witnesses if this one tries to weasel his way out of it,” Pandora looked around at Regulus, Barty, who was reading a book of his own, and Dorcas waiting for each of them to nod in agreement before relaxing back into her seat.
“This looks promising Panda,” Regulus commented after a couple more read throughs of her notes and all of the concrete theory.
“You know, she spent half our trip to France pouring over that book. If I didn’t know any better I’d say Pandora Rosier was losing her interest in fashion,” Dorcas piped up with a sly smirk and a playful nudge across the car to Pandora.
“Not like it matters much when we’re stuck in uniforms,” she rolled her eyes and shoved Dorcas back before turning dramatically to the boys. “She made me buy so many new outfits, what am I supposed to do with them all? It’s not like we’ll go to Hogsmeade seventy times this year!”
The group spent the rest of the train ride laughing and talking together. Regulus helped Pandora with the spell she was developing, Barty managed to finish the book he’d been reading and Dorcas and Evan had their heads bent together and were talking in hushed, animated voices the rest of the train ride. The welcome feast was a bore and Regulus was beyond ready to cart himself off to bed by the time they could leave. When they all finally made it back to their beds in the Slytherin dorms, he didn’t have to bother with putting occlumency walls up in order to empty his mind enough to sleep, he regretted not taking the time to do it when the nightmares plagued him again.
Regulus awoke with a start. He’d had the same dream again that he’d had all summer, though it was less of a dream and more the reliving of the worst night of his life. Over and over again he was forced to stand and watch as his big brother, one of the only people in this world he’d ever loved, was tortured for hours on end. Sirius’s screams still echoed inside his mind and he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to get them out. He’d never heard him sound like that before, and hearing it had only made him feel like he was a small child again.
Regulus used to be the troublemaker, used to be the rambunctious little kid making messes and breaking things, yet it was always the rule-following Sirius that got in trouble for it. He’d always wondered if that was why they’d both turned out so different, both from one another and who they once were. One day when they were really young, he’d been no more than six, Regulus had accidentally broken the glass casing around one of the mounted house elf heads in the hall. That had been the first time their mother used the cruciatus curse on either of them, and it was far from the last, though after that he began following the rules while Sirius started acting out more.
The memories began to swim in his head again and he had to forcefully slam his occlumency walls into place to keep them from overwhelming him. He couldn’t afford to dwell on the past, couldn’t afford to consider whether or not it had been his fault that his own brother had been tortured for nearly a decade, couldn’t bear to hear his big brother’s screams echoing around his head. Heaving a heavy sigh, he pushed off of his bed, got ready and headed to the Astronomy tower.
“Hey Sirius,” he said with a rueful smile when he’d gotten to his favourite spot. “I can’t sleep, same dream again. Do you get those too?”
There wouldn’t be a response, there never had been, not since he started coming up here in his first year. It had started as a way to feel close to Sirius, he felt so incredibly distant from the one person he’d been the closest to for his entire life and pretending to talk to him made him feel better. Some days, if he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend that Sirius didn’t hate him and was listening eagerly to every word he had to say.
“I missed you, it was a long summer without you there.” The star twinkled at him, almost like it was winking. “Yeah, yeah, I know we haven’t been close in years, but that isn’t exactly my fault is it? You never wrote like you said you would, but I wrote to you every day.”
The silence was deafening in response. “Yeah, I know, it’s been five years since then and I should probably just get over it, but you replaced me.” He rolled his eyes, whether it was at himself or the fake response he’d concocted in his mind from the fake Sirius. “We wouldn’t be in the position we are if things had gone differently back then, would we?”
He knew the answer to that, or at least he thought he did. They’d still be best friends if his brother hadn’t abandoned him the second he found new ones. Regulus had hated all of Sirius’s friends since then just based on principle, but there was one he hated above all the rest.
He hated James Potter and his smile that was warm like the sun. He hated the boy’s hazel eyes that shone like gold in the light. Hated the way his hair always seemed to fall perfectly into place, especially after he’d been flying and it was tousled and windswept. He loathed the easy laugh that fell from Potter’s lips as though he’d never known a moment of pain. Hated the boy’s round-rimmed glasses he was always pushing back up the bridge of his nose when they inevitably slipped down.
Regulus hated how incredibly kind he was, he’d never seen Potter be nasty to anyone other than Snape, and Regulus had always felt that had been deserved. Potter’s arrogance made his skin crawl, and the easy strut that he walked with reminded him of a proud stag, always walking about with his head high and chest poked out. Merlin, he hated how undeniably handsome Potter was with the most perfectly chiselled jaw, subtle cheekbones, the most perfect tan and rosy plump lips, nothing like Regulus’s angular features and pale skin.
Above all else he absolutely hated seeing him practise quidditch at five in the morning. The morning was always quiet before five, it felt like no one in the world was awake except for Regulus and he revelled in the brief bit of respite it gave him. Of course, it never lasted. Every morning, without fail, James Potter would fly around the quidditch pitch as if he actually needed the practice and wasn’t the best player in the entire school.
Though he wasn’t close enough to see in great detail, he knew that Potter would likely be running enough practice drills to work up an early morning sweat, one that would cause his clothes to stick to his skin in the most irritating way. He’d been in school with his brother and his friends long enough to know their routine pretty well, another thing he hated about them all. Sirius wouldn’t be up until right before breakfast, Lupin and Pettigrew would likely wait on him before heading down to the Great Hall as a solitary unit.
When the sun crested over the horizon, Regulus realised he’d been glaring in the direction of the quidditch pitch for far longer than he should’ve and decided to make his way down for breakfast as that would be starting soon. When he slid onto the bench at the Slytherin table, Barty and Evan were already there and spooning food onto their plates.
“Mornin’ Reg,” Barty said with a heavy yawn.
“The girls coming?” He asked as he spooned honey into his tea.
“On their way, Panda had to stop at the library before classes this morning.” Evan answered with an eye roll as he poured himself coffee out of one of the silver carafes.
“It’s the first day of classes, how can your sister need to go to the library already?” Barty scoffed as he added Evan’s preferred amount of sugar to the cup.
“Probably research for her spell,” Regulus replied as he added cream to his tea and took a sip, breathing a heavy sigh of content as the warm liquid flowed down his throat and soothed his soul.
“She’s always researching for a spell,” Evan rolled his eyes and took a long, deep sip of his coffee, a satisfied smile spreading across his lips.
“Well, that’s because she’s always working on one,” Regulus answered with a shrug of indifference.
“Yeah, or she’s just a swot,” Barty sniggered.
“Genius more like. I wouldn’t expect you to understand Barty,” he managed to duck when Barty threw a sausage at his head.
“I happen to be very intelligent, thank you.” Barty crossed his arms and huffed annoyedly.
“Yes you are,” Evan said placatingly with a hand on Barty’s shoulder. “Now, would you please pass the eggs?”
“No one appreciates me,” Barty said with a huff, though he did pass the eggs like Evan had asked.
“I appreciate you Barty,” Pandora finally joined them, giving Barty a kiss to his cheek before she sat down next to Regulus. “No one else can keep my brother in line the way you do.”
“What about my charm and good looks?” He asked cheekily with his famous smirk.
“You’re incredibly handsome, but you just aren’t my type.” Pandora patted his hand as though he were actually going to be upset with her answer.
“But Pandora, my love, you know how I have a thing for blondes.”
“Evan’s blond, date him,” Dorcas joined them, sitting next to Barty and throwing her arm over his shoulder. “Quite handsome too, I’d say.”
“E-Evan?” Barty nearly choked on his eggs.
“Yeah, why not?” Dorcas inquired, though Barty couldn’t answer over the coughing fit he’d entered. “Anyways, first day of fifth year, how’s everyone feeling?”
“Just like I have the last four, nothing new this year,” Regulus shrugged.
“I’m ready for it to be over,” Evan said ruefully.
“I’m actually rather excited, we’re going to be moving to more advanced learning this year. Though the really interesting stuff won’t be until next year,” no one was shocked by Pandora’s response, she’d always been the smartest of their group. Though, and he would never admit to it in a million years, Barty was a genius in his own right, he just hid it well.
“I’ll be glad when it’s the last day of seventh year and I never have to see any of you prats again,” Barty, who had finally managed to get his coughing fit under control, added in.
“Your life would be dull and boring without us and you know it,” Dorcas replied with a kiss to his cheek. The group finished their breakfast with more laughter and jokes, something Regulus had missed over the summer. Grimmauld had always been quiet, almost hauntingly so, even the portraits seemed too afraid to incur the wrath of Walburga to speak out of turn. There was something peaceful about the castle, even when it was full of people and noise, an almost controlled chaos that Regulus had learned to feel at home in over the years.
As they filed out of the Great Hall, Regulus caught sight of his brother and his friends walking a bit ahead of him. He tried both to listen and to stop himself from listening to what was being said, but they were too far away for him to hear anything. Part of him wished to know what Potter had said to make him laugh so loudly and genuinely, he hadn’t heard his brother’s laugh in so long that it felt like a punch to the stomach. Sirius was still Sirius, even after everything that had happened, that knowledge made Regulus’s first day back at Hogwarts just the slightest bit easier.