Chapter 1
Lily Evans was a fool. Everyone had told her “don’t quit your day job” and what had she done? She’d quit her fucking day job. She wondered if she could get it back, it was a good job. Sure the pay was exactly minimum wage with no possibility of tips, and the manager was a creep who’d asked her out many times and just wouldn’t realize she wasn’t interested but it was stable. She hadn’t had a paycheck in over a month and the pennies she was making from her few monthly Spotify streams weren’t going to pay her rent even with four roommates. She wasn’t planning on quitting she really wasn’t but her tiktok covers had gotten a lot of traction over the last few months and Emma (her ex… something she didn’t like labels) had insisted that if her music career would never truly take off if she didn’t devote all her time to it. Which Lily realizes now is completely ridiculous she’s never met a single person pursuing an art career who doesn’t have to work at least one other job. Emma was an athlete though not an artist what she knew was if you work hard enough you’ll get noticed, she’d been offered a full ride soccer scholarship her sophomore year of high school and drafted to a top team straight out of college. She didn’t know what it was like to put your all into something and never have anyone give it the time of day.
It had felt so amazing when her first cover went viral, she’d thought maybe she could actually do this whole musician thing for a living so hearing Emma’s words ringing in her head she’d sent in her two weeks notice. Now though it had been just about two months since she’d quit and her views were going consistently downward. Her roommates had been so supportive but she couldn’t let them cover her rent a third month in a row, they were struggling artists too. Lily had met her roommates Alice, Emmeline, Amelia and Mary in college. They’d all come to New York from different small towns to follow different dreams. Amelia was a visual artist who though she still painted as often as she could had recently accepted a 9 to 5 graphic design job. Alice dreamed of being a director and screenwriter, her student films had won awards at minor festivals but since graduation it seemed her well of inspiration had run dry. Emmeline was an author and it seemed every week they had to have a cheer up dinner because yet another agent had said that an East Asian Sapphic space opera was simply too niche to sell (Lily vehemently disagreed she’d read every draft of Emmelines novel and it was one of the funniest most romantic and heart wrenching things she’d ever read). And finally Mary. Mary was Lily’ closest friend and the person who made her realize she was a lesbian. They’d dated briefly in their sophomore year but mutually decided they were better as friends, Mary was dating Emmeline now and Lily really couldn’t be happier. Mary and Lily had met in a vocal techniques class and been inseparable ever since. Mary dreamed of Broadway but right now she was using her acting skill and stunning beauty to do modeling gigs and commercials. She couldn’t let her girls continue carrying her dead weight.
She opened her laptop ready to look for bartending and waitressing gigs, at least then she could earn tips, when her phone buzzed. She pushed it to the side, she needed to do this now she couldn’t keep putting it off. It buzzed again… and again… and again. Finally she picked it up. She had 5 unread messages and 3 missed calls all from Mary. Mary had a shoot today that wasn’t scheduled to be over for a few more hours so her calling had to be urgent. Worried, she quickly clicked over to FaceTime on her laptop and called Mary back. Mary answered on the first ring makeup done to make it look like she’d just woken up with flawless skin for some new skincare ad. Her eyes though were full of concern.
“Have you seen it?” she asked voice soft like she was talking to a child who might burst into tears at any minute.
Lily just looked at her completely lost. “Seen what?” she asked slightly annoyed.
“I’ll take that as a no. Check Emma’s instagram.”
Lily’s annoyance only grew at that answer. The last thing she wanted to do right now was look at her exs instagram but she knew Mary and knew that she wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t important. So Lily went to instagram and searched for Emma Vanity. As soon as she clicked her profile she knew why Mary had been so desperate to check on her. The most recent photo had been posted two hours ago and featured Emma with her arms around a gorgeous woman, the caption simply reading “girlfriends”.
She felt her cheeks heat she and Emma had been seeing each other for six months and every time she brought up the g word Emma cringed saying labels were so unnecessary and that they knew what they were to each other so who gave a fuck what anyone else thought. Lily always brushed it off; she loved labels, knowing exactly what things meant and where she stood, but she knew she was the exception not the rule. But here Emma was not even 2 months after their breakup calling someone else her girlfriend. After god knows how many minutes of staring at that fucking photo and it’s fucking caption she remembered Mary. She looked to her laptop screen to see Mary’s eyes trained on her full of pity. She couldn’t handle that couldn’t handle Mary with her perfect healthy happy relationship looking at her like she was something in need of fixing.
“I’ve got to go,” she said brusquely, hanging up before Mary could express any more concern. Instead of going back to her open Indeed tab she clicked over to google docs. Yeah she knows docs isn’t what she should be using to write lyrics every composition teacher she’d ever had had told her so but she loved it anyway. Lily loved everything about making music, well everything other than the sharing it with the world, but lyric writing had always been her favorite. She loved being able to say everything she couldn’t in conversations in a poetic and flowing melody. She thinks of Emma, of that photo of her with her arms around the beautiful dark haired girl, of every time she’d brought up labels or exclusivity and been shut down, of how much she truly deeply felt for Emma. Then she thinks of Mary and of course that’s different they’d mutually agreed they didn’t work as a couple but it was only weeks after their breakup that Emmeline and Mary got together. It was hard not to feel like this was becoming a pattern. Like Lily was destined to be the one before “the one”. As all these thoughts spiraled around her head her finger typed furiously.
History seems to repeat, take one for the team
I guess I'm just a martyr
I say I don't but I feel everything
I throw myself through the windshield
Just because you asked me to
'Til you find a thing that feels real
I'll be your crash test dummy, I know this is nothin' for you
I'll let you practice on me before you have somethin' to lose
She looked at the lyrics. They were good, really good. She hadn’t written something she liked this much since college. She grabbed her guitar and continued to write.
———
Lily’s least favorite part of being a musician was social media. It was so important in this day and age to have a tiktok presence and following to grow your music but Lily hated filming herself. Hated seeing her face when she sang and how stubby her fingers looked on her guitars long elegant neck but when she wrote something she loved she was able to push those things out of the way. She set up her phone on the tripod, sat on the floor guitar in hand and with a shaky breath began singing her new song. She closed her eyes and let it spill out of her every feeling that photo had dredged up everything she kept hidden as she watched Emmeline and Mary cuddle together on their couch. Her voice was raw and beautiful, full of everything she felt and her mint green guitar made her eyes look even more striking. As she watched the video back she struggled to find anything wrong with it which was incredibly rare for her. Without thinking too much about it she hit post then put her phone away to join her roommates for dinner.
They’d made it a rule early on into their living together that despite their ever changing schedules they’d have a “family dinner” once a week. It was one of Lily’s favorite parts of every week, especially when it was Amelia’s turn to cook and she made her signature sweet potato gnocchi, but even when It was Alice’s turn and they had to order pizza because she’d started a small fire Lily loved just sitting with her best friends debriefing on their little lives in this big city. She stepped out of her room hearing the door click lightly behind her and smelled the strong aroma of kimchi. Emmelines night then, Lily thought with a grin she loved Emms homemade bibimbap. Along with the smells she was greeted with the soft sounds of Phoebe Bridgers singing sadly to her through the bluetooth speakers. Her smile grew. She loved these nights with her girls listening to sad sapphic music, drinking wine and eating good food. Emmeline turned when she heard Lily's footsteps coming up behind her and smiled.
“Lils hey! I heard some music coming out of your room earlier. I hope I didn’t disrupt your creative process with my cooking karaoke” she says with that soft laugh that always makes Lily smile. She doesn’t blame Mary for falling for Emmeline; the girl is entirely too loveable.
“No, not at all. I was really in the zone. I don't think you would’ve distracted me if you came in and started tap dancing.” Lily giggles, feeling a confidence she hasn’t felt in a while. It’s a reminder that she quit her job to do what she really truly loves and yes it may take time for it to become something that she does outside of her bedroom that didn’t mean it wasn’t worthwhile.
Emmeline’s smile grew soft. “You look excited. I haven’t seen you like this since Emma.”
Lily sighed. “Yeah I took the breakup hard but I’m letting fuel my art” she said taking on a faux haughty tone.
Emmeline frowned. “I didn’t mean just the breakup. You toned yourself down for her. I don’t think you wrote a single song the whole time you were together.”
It was Lily's turn to frown. She worked through her mental catalog of all the songs she’d written and realized Emme was right. She thought she’d been more productive with her music than ever while she was with Emma but when she really thought about it she’d only been posting covers. Using other people’s words and not sharing her own. She’d been hiding. She wasn’t going to let herself do that again, not for anyone.
She shook herself out of her thoughts and found Emmeline still looking at her intently. “I missed you Lils” she said softly and Lily didn’t have to ask what she meant. She already knew.