Le Passage du Temps
The massage, bike rides, those two kisses, Regulus’s blood, and on and on and on, it all seemed heavier as Regulus struggled between excited or dreadful. He had fourteen hours to decide. It felt more like decades. He was sure he’d be broken, old, and grayed by the time midnight found him.
The proximity that had been strangling him now offered up an unfurled hand, large, sturdy, and ochre tan.
How could James deny himself, now?
Not when it was unmistakable, the subtext between letters in their handwriting, ‘Can’t stand the silence. Need to speak with you,’ and ‘Grow up. See you at midnight.’ I need you. I want you.
Regulus kissed the piece of paper, and he held it to his lips, like maybe if he held it closer he might find something else James had meant by ‘midnight.’
He could do fourteen hours. He’d waited longer, so far. Except before there was no promise of payoff, which was almost more exhilarating. This was premeditated. Alphard looked at him sideways. Regulus held his book up to his face, but was staring straight at the ceiling, overcome by thought.
It was worse, he determined. It was worse to know about a midnight before the midnight came along: sentences were longer when your crimes were premeditated.
James, in his fashion, had found some excuse to fly the nest before Regulus could find him. He was in the wind and nobody knew when he’d be back. If he did come back before midnight, would it be the same nothingness they’d been stuck in before, or would they look at each other like they did on that bike ride: two sets of eyes with a secret shared between them?
And what did midnight mean?
Was it midnight, midnight, or midnight, where James planned to air Regulus out and tell him there was no more to say?
Midnight. Grow up. I’ll see you at midnight.
Grow up. You grow up.
As the day grew on, Regulus could barely keep in one place for more than a couple minutes. Sirius plopped down beside him in the grass out by their patio dining table.
“Something’s amiss.” Sirius gave Regulus a pointed look.
“Nothing at all.” Regulus didn’t look at him, scribing nonsense onto his sheet music. It was some Listz piece that was making less and less sense to him the longer he looked at it.
“Then there’s something on your mind.” Sirius prodded.
“Well, brother, it’s called thoughts. Sometimes they crop up, but you might not know about that.” He bit out, and Sirius couldn’t help but smile.
Sirius let it go after that, falling to his back with a thud that made Regulus smile despite himself.
Midnight, midnight, midnight, midnight.
He had thirteen more hours to go.
***
James was focusing wholly on the Professor’s slides being projected. They are statues, contorted into their sultry poses that somebody hundreds of years ago crafted with more care than James thought he could ever muster. His boorish hands weren’t the ones of a gentle man.
He flicked to another slide. It was a close-up detail of a bronze navel in an impressively muscled stomach. Each solid abdomen was carved just so.
“Beautiful, aren't they?” Alphard said with a sigh.
“They’re perfect. But these ones are far more... sensual, I guess.” James felt something inside of him shift around. He took a long chug of his water.
That set Alphard going, and when he opened his mouth, he couldn’t help but spill all his thoughts out. He was more sure of himself than ever when talking about his work, more an expert on his studies than he was on his own most personal feelings.
“Because these are more Hellenistic than the fifth-century Athenian, most likely sculpted under the influence of the greatest sculptor in antiquity, Praxiteles. Their muscles are film—look at his stomach for example—and yet never a straight body in these statues, they are all curves, sometimes impossibly curved and so nonchalant, hence their ageless ambiguity,” The professor was looking at the old carved marble so intently, like they might start moving and he wanted to catch it. “As if they are daring you to desire them.”
James looked at Alphard quickly, just a glance. A terror had suddenly gripped him that Alphard knew how James felt about his nephew, but when he saw Alphard, he didn’t pay James a single thought. He could have been talking to himself.
James hadn’t been thinking when he answered Regulus’s note. Well, he’d actually been thinking a great deal, but it was late at night, and he could hear how close Regulus was, on just the other side of the wall, no matter how hard he tried not to. His brain had dipped into a fantasy-land that only the nighttime afforded, where the world past his thoughts seemed a whole lot quieter. He was thinking how much he wanted Regulus to come to him at midnight. He was not thinking about what a clandestine meeting might mean for his precariously balanced resolve to not reach out and touch Regulus Black.
Alphard’s slides skipped by, and James found that his studies could not distract him from his thoughts slipping to midnight.
He glued his eyes to the projector and tried harder. He filled every space Alphard left with a question to push away his traitorous brain.
***
Eleven hours. Lunch was upon them as they all gathered outside.
“So, Uncle, you said Mounier and Isaac are coming for dinner tonight?” Sirius poured himself a glass of juice all the way to the brim. James excitedly took the pitcher right as he was done and did the same.
“Otherwise known as Sonny and Cher.” Regulus drawled. Sirius clapped a hand over his mouth to not burst into laughter.
“Watch it.” Alphard shook with his mild tone between a scold and an eye roll.
James almost cracked out a laugh himself, only because Sirius was red in the face from the effort not to.
“I want you to wear that shirt, Regulus. The one they got for you in Miami. You too, Sirius. I hope you still have it.”
“No, please.” Regulus gave him his biggest eyes.
“It will make them happy.”
“And it will make me very unhappy.”
Alphard deadpanned a look towards Regulus. He searched for support from Sirius.
“I’ll do it. They’re funny shirts.” Sirius smirked and side-eyed his brother.
“I hate you.” Regulus shot at Sirius.
“Love you, too.” Sirius grinned.
Regulus grumbled over his food, betrayed by his brother. James looked between all of them, and finally couldn’t handle it. His stifled laugh spilled over the table like a popping water balloon. They all looked at him like he had grown an extra head, but then they were all laughing, too. Even Regulus couldn’t help the hand that found his mouth, laughing into his fist at a table.
Time was passing slowly, too slowly to bear. A minute bringing him closer to midnight felt like an hour.
But, when he stepped back, was time really passing slowly? How many more lunches with the four of them would time grant? Was the number yet countable on two hands? Regulus’s laughter soured immediately, and he gripped onto his fork. It started to hurt, but he couldn’t let go. He had to hold on. Time was passing by right there without his permission.
Regulus leaned over to look at Alphard’s watch.
“What’s the time?” James asked. The words were so relaxed. He said it like a sigh.
He said it easily, like it wasn’t cruel of him.
Eleven hours. Three weeks.
“Ten after one.” Regulus replied with a dry mouth.
James leaned back against his oak chair. Regulus forced the awful James-centric thoughts in his head to back off, too.
“I, for one, can’t wait to see Mounier and Isaac again.” Sirius crossed his arms on the table in a way that made Regulus cringe. Their mother and father would have had a fit about elbows on the table. It was probably why Sirius did it.
“My exact sentiments! They brighten every dinner they attend.” Alphard grinned.
“Yes, that they do. Proper travelers, them. I swear they’ve been to every city I could name.”
“My uncle turns wild when they come.” Regulus said to James beneath the chatter of Sirius and Alphard’s conversation.
“Looking forward to it.” James' lips curled at the corners in a fond smile.
***
Barty cackled as he pushed Evan off of the dock.
“Prick!” Evan burst through the water’s surface, still in his white button-up, now soaked as it stuck see-through to his skin.
“Hilarious prick,” Barty corrected. “Right, Regulus?”
“Hilarious prick.” Regulus confirmed.
Evan swam up and hoisted his body back onto the dock, as graceful as a flopping fish.
“Watch your back, you ass.” He shoved at Barty, who balanced himself against Regulus beside him.
“Busy.”
And he was, because Barty’s eyes were trailing Evan’s ass as he walked back to shore. His shorts were clinging to him.
Regulus snorted and sat down at the edge of the pier. He watched the ripples from Evan’s splash shimmer away into the lake. Barty called after Evan and jogged to catch up with him.
Regulus paid them no mind as he tried to follow the ripples as far out as his eyes could see. When he lost the last of them, he hopped off of the pier himself. Just a small swing of his hips and he was penciled into the biting embrace of water around all of him, sinking further and further down, until the air in his body fought back. He made no movement as he rose back up to the surface, buoyant as all humans were. When his head came up he gasped for breath.
“Regulus!” Evan called. Regulus flipped around to see him at the shore. Barty was behind him, one eyebrow raised and looking a little shaken. The two made their way back to the pier’s edge.
“You were under there for a good long while.” Barty let out an uneasy laugh.
“We thought you fell,” Evan kneeled down.
“Evan was scared.” Barty put a hand over Evan’s shoulder in comfort.
“You dolt, you were too!” Evan lightly smacked Barty on the back of the head like one would a misbehaving dog.
“Sorry. It just felt nice.” Regulus said before Barty could think to push Evan into the lake again.
Evan looked over him, assessing his answer. Regulus locked eyes with him.
“Here, come up. Better dry off while there’s still some sun.” Barty held his hand out to Regulus, and he took it, climbing back onto the dock.
Regulus used his shirt to dry off, patting off any water that tickled as it ran down his skin like little tears.
A pair of arms swung over Regulus’s shoulders from behind as Barty draped himself on Regulus like a cape. In his ear, Barty whispered, “Step back, ‘kay?” Barty untangled himself and circled around back beside Evan, who stared at the lake’s horizon with hands on his hips. Regulus stepped back with a blink.
“It’s so big. Makes you think,” Evan started.
Splash.
Barty cut him off by shoving Evan off of the pier again. Frogs croaked in time with the beat of their hearts. The trees swished back and forth, and it sounded like lungs breathing in and out. Regulus’s best friends fell into their bickering, as if they’d been married twenty odd years. Regulus thought it was the prettiest symphony he’d ever heard.
As the sun set, they laid out on a small blanket Evan had brought. It was cramped. Regulus’s hair tickled Barty’s face, and Barty insisted on crossing his legs, so both knees invaded over Evan and Regulus’s respective leg room. Evan’s elbow was poking into Barty in protest.
A grainy Bowie song was playing from a walkman beside them.
“You're too old to lose it, too young to choose it
And the clock waits so patiently on your song
You walk past the café, but you don't eat.”
Barty hummed along. Regulus couldn’t tell if he was messing up, as his tune carried conflicting notes to Bowie’s, or if he meant it, venturing off on his own melody as he saw fit.
“Je l'aime comme ça.” Evan sighed, closing his eyes. ‘I like it like this.’
Barty stopped his humming and turned his head to Evan. It was a bold move, since they laid so close that if they both turned, their noses would touch.
“Moi aussi.” Regulus agreed.
“Make that three.” Barty looked back up, closing his eyes with a grin, then threw his arms up and around his friends’ necks.
They were like sardines all in a row like they were, a little awkward as they squished together onto Evan’s blanket, but they made it work, and fit as perfectly as any of them ever needed. Regulus could hear the swish of blood pulsing under Barty’s wrist by his ear, pressed against it like he was. It was like waves crashing in the ocean, violent, but so calming Regulus could have been lulled to sleep.
The part of himself counting down the hours settled to bed, and his head felt like an easier place to be.
Time passed, and it didn’t feel so dire. Regulus basked in it.
“Won’t you miss dinner, Regulus?” Evan said in a hushed voice, careful not to pop the quiet they’d found. Barty must’ve fallen asleep, because he’d never shut up for so long.
Regulus opened his eyes and his life came back to him. It was growing darker by the minute. The sun had tucked itself in for the evening.
He cursed under his breath, sitting upright. Barty shifted and yawned.
“Eight, already?” Barty’s eyes squinted.
“Already,” Regulus moved to lace up his shoes. “There’s guests, I shouldn’t be late.”
“Sonny and Cher!” Barty smiled. He’d met them the year before last.
Barty squeezed Regulus’s arm as a parting gesture. He scooched onto his stomach.
“Oaf. Are you going back to sleep, really?” Evan looked down at Barty.
“Don’t leave me, Ev, I’m so comfortable right now!” He twisted and yanked Evan down with him. Evan stumbled to catch himself, settling where he held his head up and leaned on his elbow, facing Barty as he laid with his head down.
“I’ll see you.” Regulus called behind him, walking back to the tree line towards the chateau.
“See you.” Evan called back. Barty grunted half-heartedly.
Regulus weaved out of Kreacher’s way as he held small table decorations. Kreacher greeted him with a light grunt and Regulus smiled back.
Fairy lights hung in the trees around the courtyard and patio. They lit up the dining table in a smooth, warm light, like a filter of nostalgia.
“Regulus, just on time. Mounir and Isaac will be here any moment.” Alphard was on a small step stool, screwing in a replacement bulb for one of the lights. He looked over to Regulus, and frowned.
“I know, I know.”
“Your shirt,” Alphard stepped down and dusted himself off.
“It will look like I'm sucking up.” Regulus frowned back.
“What’s wrong with that? You’re too old not to accept people as they are. I don’t think it’s very attractive of you to call them ‘Sonny and Cher’ behind their backs…”
“That’s what Barty calls them.” Regulus defended quickly.
“...and then accept gifts from them.” Alphard finished above Regulus’s voice. “Is it because they’re gay, or because they’re ridiculous? It best not be the first. If you know as much about economics when you’re Mounir’s age you’ll be a very wise man, indeed, and a credit to me. Now go change.” He said, almost in one breath.
Alphard got worked-up close to never, despite Regulus’s common crass rudeness. The chill of his uncle’s dusted off, stony tone made Regulus well up with shame. He turned right around to go find the ugly brown shirt.
It was all the way at the bottom of his dresser and had a must from sitting unworn. Regulus didn’t care for it one bit.
Regulus smoothed out the folds and looked into his mirror and tried not to hate who he saw. He blamed whatever he couldn’t push down on the god-awful Miami shirt. Maybe James would like it. Maybe he’d appreciate the too-big orange-y brown shirt that hung loose off of his too-thin frame and too-pale skin.
Sirius joined moments before Mounir and Isaac arrived, jumping into his charming self and taking the flowers the couple brought as they exited their baby blue two-door car. Sirius played the part of the graceful host like he’d been born to. ‘You’re too kind,’ ‘Welcome, welcome,’ and ‘You two look sharp!’
Isaac was tall and thin and his partner was short and substantial. They both wore colorful suits, one purple and one sky blue. They weren’t anything like Regulus, flamboyant and handsy, bold and grinning, with so much to say it eased out of them like a nice pulsing aura.
Alphard got sucked up in their storm of quips and jumble of loving handsyness. The guests insisted on speaking their horrible broken French. Mounir would start a sentence, trail off and look to Isaac, who would think for a moment and finish it for him with a generous heaping of grammatical errors. Alphard struggled to understand, but appeased them with slow paced, simpleton French replies.
They all sat in the warm fairy-light to eat, and Alphard poured Regulus a tall glass of champagne with a smile.
James was still nowhere, and Regulus found it inside him not to care about that, which he was very proud of.
Alphard had known Mounir and Isaac since before the dawn of time. They schooled together back in the forties and never lost contact after graduation, which made them quite the exception, because Regulus never heard a thing about any other parts of Alphard’s younger years. The couple drifted in and out of Alphard’s professional path, but it was always just an excuse for them to see each other again.
After dinner, Alphard coerced Regulus into playing piano. It didn’t require much, since Regulus was in make-Alphard-like-him-again mode, even if Alphard had never liked Regulus any less. He pulled a Poulenc piece he’d been working on at the beginning of summer, and it pulled everybody close as they listened to the lilting melody. It rose and fell, always beautiful and delicate, but teased at something more, like it was reaching at nothing, unsatisfied.
Regulus’s mind started to race as he grappled with how to end it. He’d transcribed a hundred different endings. His fingers found their places on each key expertly, propelling him closer and closer, and before he could decide, the end was upon him, and he finished that reaching melody he’d been teasing the whole piece. He satisfied it with a full, low chord, resonant and so right sounding that it filled up the whole room. He hadn’t written that ending, not before just then.
“Brilliant, Reggie!” Sirius clapped as the chord faded off.
Regulus looked up at Sirius, ripped back into his body from that far-off place he played piano from.
Behind the dinner guests was James, in the doorway by the staircase. Nobody else had spotted him yet. Their eyes clamped onto one another and as they met, it was less Regulus and James, and more two planets, slowly pulling themselves together in a deadly gravitational pull. It made Regulus’s stomach drop like he was falling. James held one finger up to his lips. Regulus swallowed, looking back at Sirius, Alphard, and their guests. Alphard turned around to see what Regulus was looking at, but James was already gone.
James sat out on a small balcony adjoined to his room. He shook his head at himself as he lit a cigarette. He didn’t delude himself by trying to get any work done. He knew who his thoughts were with, and he knew, now, how helpless he was to swim against the current of it all.
He watched the clouds illuminated in the moonlight, and how they were spread out across the sky like wind ripples in a lake.
“Regulus!” James yelled into the night air, and he swore it echoed, though there was nothing it could have echoed off of.
Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus…
“James!” He yelled.
James, James, James, James…