Vérités
Still half drunk from the party, Emmeline and Regulus went to the lake.
“You don’t like Pandora, do you?” She stripped off her sweater.
“I like her just fine.” Regulus threw his shirt to the side and peeled off his trousers, standing in only his pants to swim in.
“Look away.” Emmeline shooed him so she could strip the rest of the way, and Regulus turned and waited for her to get in the water.
There was a small splash and she let out a yelp.
“Damn!” She swore.
He turned. She was up to her chest in the lake, skin shining, beckoning Regulus to follow her. He walked into the water slowly, the cold water a good distraction from it all.
“Why wouldn’t I like Pandora?” Regulus hesitated to ask.
Emmeline was deeper, now, treading water as her hair floated around her like a mermaid. The middle-of-the-night moon bathed her in a blue hue. Her, a siren in the night, and him, the broken sailor.
“A cause de lui.” ‘Because of him’, she said in French, and it felt like a secret that way, since they always spoke in English to one another.
The night held its breath.
“À cause de qui?” His words hang over them for a moment. ‘Because of who?’
Emmeline smiled, turning away from him to swim out into the lake.
“Let’s meet tomorrow night. I’ll be here before you.” He called after her.
They swam in the moonlight, laughing and joking until their teeth chattered and their fingers were pruned.
—
James and Pandora were together, sitting in her room. Pandora was spread out on her bed, and James rested his head in her lap, looking up at the ceiling like it had personally offended him. The excitement from the party had worn off.
“Pan?” He said, startling Pandora out of her thoughts. They’d been sitting in a comfortable silence for a while now.
“Yeah?” She looked down at him and moved a curl over his forehead. There was a fan blowing in the hallway, the only sound in the gaps between their words. The white noise was comforting in times like this, when both of their brains were one step away from asleep.
“You know how I told you that I almost kissed somebody? That day at the river, when you were with Barty and them.” James over-clarified, as if there had been multiple almost-kisses, which there most definitely hadn’t been.
He’d felt so bad about the possibility of leading her on that he’d told her. She was surprisingly cool with it. Apparently, she had this long-time crush on a guy from Nice (Or Cannes, was it?), and it was only James that was deluded they were supposed to be exclusive. His ego had been a bit bruised by that.
“James, it’s fine, really. I don’t mind. I mean, we both agreed that this is just for fun.” Pandora twirled another one of his curls around her finger.
“Oh. Yeah, of course,” James said. “That’s not where I was going with that. I think I like that other person a bit more than I originally thought.” James confessed.
“Oh. Tell me more.” Pandora shifted her pillows behind her so she sat up straighter.
James moved from out of her lap to sit with crossed legs before her. In the low-light in Pandora and Emmeline’s pink and white room they were suddenly two teenage girls, gossiping about their crushes into the darkness.
“Well, everytime we are in the room together, it’s like everything I do is the wrong thing. It drives me mad, I don’t know what to do.” James huffed.
“I’m sure it’s not that bad. If you like her, you might be reading into things too much. I do it all the time with Phil.” She laughed to herself.
Phil was her city man, who somehow had more to offer than James did. He didn’t even want to be with Pandora, not seriously, but something inside of him was still bothered by that fact.
“Maybe,” James rubbed a hand down his face. “I think I can be too harsh, sometimes, too.”
“And why is that?” Pandora asked.
She was a great listener, one who James wasn’t sure he could do without. He wasn’t able to bottle it up anymore. It wasn’t his nature, and doing so was like caging a lion in his insides. The lion had taken to thrashing its cage in response. He was sure if somebody could look inside of his ribs that they’d see where his feelings had tried to dig through, red and angry scars slashing up and down and all around.
“I’m not sure. I think I’m trying to not care at all, and end up overcompensating. I punish myself by putting us in situations I know won’t be good. I do the wrong thing on purpose a lot of the time.” He listed, Pandora nodding her head as he spoke.
“Well, that certainly won’t do.” Pandora’s face was deep in thought, trying to gather her thoughts in order to give good advice.
“Yeah.” James groaned, folding forward onto Pandora’s legs. She laughed and patted his head.
“It’s alright, love. Here: pretend I'm her. I just walked into the room. We can work out what to do and what not to do.” Pandora smiled widely, excited by her idea.
“That’s another thing!” James burst out, having completely missed her game idea, too distracted by imagining Regulus walking into a room. Pandora dodged back when he popped up suddenly, almost hitting his head against her’s.
“When they walk into the room, it’s like I suddenly forget how to even breathe!”
A laugh bubbled out of her.
“Oh my god, you are so dramatic. You said the exact same thing the other week about when Regulus walked into the room, just because you couldn’t handle somebody not liking you!” She was infinitely amused and doubled over laughing.
Her laughter was immediately curtailed when she looked up, into James’ eyes, wide like a deer standing in the headlights. Her smile fell, and they just stared at each other for a moment. James was sitting completely still. He looked mortified.
“...Regulus?” She said in a hushed voice. Emmeline wasn’t home yet, and Evan had been asleep for hours by this point, so there was no reason for her to whisper. Perhaps she was trying to be gentle, or perhaps she was afraid of even the idea of him liking a man. James wasn’t sure.
James couldn’t even answer. He opened his mouth, but no words came.
“Oh, James.” Pandora lunged him into a hug. It took him a moment, but he hugged her back.
“I’m not gay.” He insisted. His eyes were wide and glazed over, focusing on a spot on the floor behind Pandora as she squeezed him a little bit tighter.
“It’s okay.” Pandora moved her hand over his hair in soothing circles.
“I’m not.” His voice wasn’t as steady as he’d hoped it’d be.
“Okay.” She pulled back. She was as lovely as ever, a soft smile on her face and kindness in her eyes.
“I think we should stop. This,” She gestured between them. “I’ll still be your friend, of course.” She put a hand on his shoulder, rubbing her thumb up and down. James’ hands were on her knees. He retracted them nervously.
“Because I like a man?” He said, defenses up. He breathed in when she opened her mouth to respond, trying to steel himself for the rejection.
“Because you like Regulus. And because he likes you back.” Pandora smiled.
***
The next morning James’ walls were towered up again, as if they hadn’t been softly dismantled the night before. He proudly showed off his soft-boiled egg skills the next morning, opening the top shell with precision. Regulus and Sirius’s eyes were squinted more than usual, but James felt himself doing the same, the sun shining extra bright over a hungover table. Well, all but Alphard, who only ever drank a classy amount.
“So… Regulus and Emmeline.” Sirius tried to be casual. Immediately failing, he wiggled his eyebrows at Regulus beside him.
“Yes, cheers.” James grinned at Regulus. It was the opposite of how he felt about the matter, so of course he found himself saying it before he could stop.
“I’ve been saying! You should really listen to me more often, especially when it comes to romance. I’m something of an expert, now.”
“An expert on falling like a fool.” Regulus said under his breath.
“‘It’s never foolish to fall in love’, little brother.” Sirius shot a grin at Alphard, reciting something he used to say when Sirius and Regulus were kids. They made fun of their friends for “losing” and starting to develop crushes and date. The brothers had been convinced marriage was an adult thing designed to make people miserable. To be fair, it rang true for all the married people in their own family. Their friends didn’t see it that way.
“Suck-up.” Regulus complained, rolling his eyes.
Alphard continued to read his paper with a fond twinkle in his eye, like he was listening to his favorite song.
“Whatever.” Sirius affectionately shoved at Regulus’s arm.
The table wanted more from Regulus. As they got quiet, they all looked at him like he was about to continue, even Alphard. James watched his shoulders bunch up only millimeters, a telltale sign that Regulus was about to try and pull the ripcord.
“There’s nothing to say.” Regulus glared at Sirius for bringing it up in the first place.
“Sure there is.” James challenged, blocking his exit, getting the death-glare panned over to him. Regulus set down his fork.
From the other side of the table, Regulus would have enjoyed a nice surprise acid rain storm to come down to interrupt their breakfast. He looked to Alphard for escape, who was equally as nosy in his own way, having averted eye contact. He was back to reading the newspaper as if he wasn’t intently listening.
“After the river yesterday, I walked her home. I invited her to the party when we got there.” Regulus sighed dramatically, manifesting his most disinterested tone of voice. James was looking at him with expecting eyes, like he could keep taking and taking until Regulus was no more.
“Habt ihr gebumst?” Sirius smirked in German, too embarrassed to ask if they’d had sex in front of Alphard.
“Not fair.” James pouted, also not fluent in German.
“Das geht dich nichts an.” Regulus replied easily.
Sirius’s German was well practiced and practically local from all his ‘social gatherings’, as Regulus liked to phrase them, where he soaked up slang and dialect. On the other hand, anybody could pick out Regulus as French. Most French people (including Sirius) were obsessed with erasing their accents, but Regulus found people understood his cold shoulder more with his accent; it was like an explanation for why he didn’t want to talk to anybody. Not all French people were rude, but Regulus was.
“Take her to the orchard, it’s rather romantic in the midday. Dappled light and all that.” James commented off-handedly, eating the last of his egg.
“Gross, sweaty.” Regulus said to Sirius, thinking about sex with a girl under the blazing hot sun, and twisted his face.
“We’ve done it before.” James countered, having not had the context for what him and his brother had been talking about right before his suggestion. Regulus’s stomach dropped anyway, imagining himself and James doing it, brazen and undisguised in the light of the sun.
“Trust me, no you did not,” Sirius let out the laugh he was desperately trying to suppress. Alphard raised an unimpressed brow, and Sirius shut himself up quicker than if he’d yelled. “Sorry.” He coughed, packing up his laugh into a shit-eating grin.
“None of that while we eat.” Alphard scolded, having put the pieces together. He was smiling, though, undermining the bite of his words.
“Of course.” Sirius stabbed a piece of fruit and popped it in his mouth merrily.
Sirius slid teasing looks to his brother for the rest of their meal, meanwhile James and Alphard busied themselves talking about their studies. It had been something of a dry season for Alphard’s inquisitions, so this was the first of the summer. Once you got them talking about it, it soon devolved into unintelligible scholarly talk.
“I just heard from the people in Geneva, they say they’ve come up with something. I’m going there today. Would you like to go with me?”
“I’d like that very much.” James nodded, sitting up a little straighter.
“Regulus, you love Geneva, don’t you?” Sirius blurted out, and if Regulus didn’t want to kill him before, now Sirius’s pillow was calling for Regulus to suffocate him with it as he slept. “What?” Sirius stared blankly back at Regulus’s deadly gaze.
“Then you’ve got to join us. I’m sure you have your own insights. If that’s alright with Alphard, of course.” James said happily, going in on some toast. Now, he wouldn’t look at Regulus at all. It was always hot and cold with him.
Inside James’ brain was a mess, trying to decide what on earth was casual enough to say, and what had too much of an undertone that said: I want to take you apart so well that it’d kill you if I stopped.
James busied himself with his fruit bowl to ignore his own thoughts.
“On the condition that you remain silent.” Alphard said to Regulus. Regulus rolled his eyes and picked his fork back up.
“Silent as in too many opinions on things, or silent as in not telling anybody what fabulous things have been dug up?” James asked, hoping to get Alphard started up again on the expedition.
“Nothing is being dug up. It’s what has been brought up,” Alphard said proudly. He reached for the pitcher of apricot juice and refilled himself. “Out of the water.” He told them dramatically, like it was top-secret. It felt exciting. Even Sirius, who didn’t care much for old things, leaned in slightly.
James’ eyes widened like a kid’s on Christmas.
***
Pandora rode up to the chateau on her bicycle, wearing a bikini top and long skirt that had been hiked up for a more manageable riding experience. She coasted up the gravel driveway and dragged her converse to stop herself beside Regulus, who was loading his backpack into the car.
“Where’s James?” She asked Regulus, adjusting the basket on the front of her bike. In the basket was a brown bag full of farm-fresh groceries.
“On va au Lac Léman avec mon oncle. Il veut montrer à James l'endroit où ils draguent.” Regulus answered. Pandora looked disappointed that he’d be away all day, but only for a moment before smiling brightly.
“Dis-lui que je suis passée,” ‘Tell him I came by,’ she said. “And have fun together.” She added.
“Il est à l'intérieur, il aide mon oncle.” Regulus pointed to where James and Alphard were inside. “Tu étais incroyable sur la piste, hier soir.” And it was true. She had been just as much a catch as James was at the party. James and her seemed to just work together, as easy as romance ever could seem from his outside perspective. Boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, and so on.
“He’s a great dancer.” Pandora nodded.
Regulus was trying to let this be his ‘ah-ha!’ moment, hoping that now he would realize that he’d never liked James at all, and that he was happy for them and what they’d found.
“Et il est beau aussi, non?” ‘And he’s great-looking, isn’t he?’
“What are you trying to do, fix us up?” Pandora giggled. Regulus worked up a smile, small as it may have been.
It wasn’t working, and no revelations came. Pandora left him to it, leaving her bike in the courtyard as she went inside to find James.
Regulus decided to wait in the car, and found his usual spot in the backseat. The right side was always his, and the left side was always Sirius’s. It didn’t matter that Sirius wasn’t here right now. He knew if he bent over to look at the edge of the cream leather seams, by the door on Sirius’s side, he’d see where Sirius had nervously picked at it when he was a kid. It was torn up down there, out of sight from unknowing eyes, but Regulus knew because he’d been there when it was a habit. On Regulus’s side there was nothing to indicate he’d ever been there except for the carvings in the door. Sirius had insisted they do it years and years ago. The bottom corner had two small sets of scratches: S.O.B. and R.A.B.
When Regulus looked up, James and Pandora had walked outside and Pandora was whispering something in his ear. James wore firetruck-red shorts with a linen short-sleeved button up that Pandora busied her hands with, buttoning it up instead of letting it hang open. They stood close to one another, like lovers would. Pandora pressed a quick kiss to his cheek when she finished, and Regulus could read the goodbye from her mouth. She picked up her bike and faded back out to the country. James didn’t waste a moment watching her go. He slipped into the passenger side door and closed it hard behind him.
“Kreacher and my uncle will be up front.” Regulus said. James twisted his head, surprised by Regulus’s presence. Without a word he got out of the car and circled around to sit in Sirius’s spot.
They sat there in the absolute silence of the car and waited for Alphard and Kreacher.
“She seems to like you a lot. She’s more beautiful than she was last year.” Regulus broke the silence when it started ringing in his ear. It never used to do that before.
All James offered back was a curt tight lipped smile. Regulus continued. If James was annoyed, let him be. He imagined the satisfaction of pushing James—perfectly handsome and amiable, James—to his snapping point, and became single minded with the aim.
“I saw her naked on a night swim. She has a great body.” Regulus said.
James looked at him, then. His eyes were sharper than usual, his scrutiny like a cutting biopsy instead of a quiet observation.
“Are you trying to make me like her?” He moved his legs as he spoke, shifting to look at Regulus better. Their bare knees brushed together for no more time than it took to blink.
“What would the harm be in that?” Regulus argued, not sure where James would go next.
“No harm. Except I like to go at it alone, if you don’t mind.” James snapped. His words were cutting, just as Regulus had hoped, but he hadn’t accounted for how deep it went. Ouch.
Regulus shut up, and the silence creeped back between them, filling the car, and ringing through his ears.
Breaking the silence was Alphard, who they heard through the window, telling Kreacher to take the day off. He wanted to drive himself.
“Don’t play at being the good host. Just don’t.” James said with a finality that made Regulus recoil further back in his mind than he already had. His neck was flushed crimson, so he held his hands up to either side of it like he was tired. He leaned his head against the window and looked out of it to the rocky driveway.
Alphard got into the front seat and settled in with the backdrop of complete, tense silence.
“What’s going on boys? James, come be my navigator.” He reached into the glovebox, riffling through the maps.
James gave one last look to Regulus. It wasn’t entirely barbed. His look was also triumphant, telling Regulus: ‘See?’