Regulus
Late Saturday morning Regulus found himself enjoying the rare luxury of having his dorm completely to himself. With Barty and Evan off somewhere committing arson—an invitation Regulus had declined as he had enough problems of his own without adding fire related crimes to the list—Regulus relished the precious silence he found himself in. The only noises around him being the soft hum of the air conditioner and the chirping of birds outside his window, and even better, Potter was nowhere near him to torture Regulus with his flirty looks and sinful smiles.
Taunting glances that had pushed Regulus’s temper to get the better of him the day before when Potter had sent Lily such similar looks, flirty and overeager as James had deluded himself into thinking he could have her. Rubbed Lily’s newfound tolerance of him in Regulus’s face all throughout dinner just to get his blood boiling. Just to play with him, like James would play with his food before he ate it. Unrelenting and cocky so Regulus had let him have it.
Kissed Lily right in front of him because he had been wanting to kiss Lily like that for quite some time anyway, but maybe James’s shenanigans had been the push he’d needed, Regulus briefly thought to himself. He had always cared for Lily, and the line between friendship and something more between them had started to get fairly blurred as of late, but still, Regulus doubted he would have taken things so far if it hadn’t been for Potter’s indirect intervention.
Or maybe he would have, Regulus couldn’t quite be sure. In all honesty Regulus couldn’t quite be sure what he felt towards Lily either. Only that red hot jealousy had run through him the other night like a flame and encouraged him to act on a long dormant affection that probably should have stayed sleeping.
He shook his head, smoothing his fingers over the crease he’d developed between his brows, and decided to put aside such… emotional… issues, lest he explode from having dwelled on them too long.
Stupid fucking Potter making Regulus deal with his feelings, he grimaced, opting to finish his charms homework rather than further think about the man.
It was then that he heard a knock at his door and, knowing who it was simply by his familiarity with the sound, Regulus made a wandless motion for the door to open. Lily Evans walked in wearing a flowery sundress and smelling of cherries and springtime, flashing him a familiar smile and Regulus couldn’t say he wasn’t glad to see her.
He may have been on the precipice of a mild existential crisis simply from having to deal with his feelings but there was something about Lily that always seemed to ease him away from his swirling spirals and bring him back down to earth again.
A crisp burst of wind flew in through his window that felt pleasantly cooling on Regulus’s sweater clad arms, but he couldn’t help but scan over his friend’s less warmly dressed form as he noticed the redhead shiver. It was subtle, but enough to prompt Regulus to wave her in closer, to ask,
“Aren’t you cold, Lils?” The small bundle of concern he was working to keep suppressed coiled just a little bit tighter.
Lily wrapped her arms around herself, rubbing her hands along her bare skin, and Regulus could see the goosebumps that she had acquired, but still she simply shook her head. Responded,
“No, I’m okay,” as another gust of wind came in and Regulus knew she clung more tightly to herself and tightened her posture to forcibly restrain a shiver. But Regulus wasn’t the least bit fooled, that was what he did when he was cold but didn’t want to admit it.
“Are you sure?” Regulus raised a brow and Lily nodded a little too quickly and adamantly.
“Completely,” she plastered on a somewhat petty smile but Regulus caught her teeth rattling ever so briefly before she got the chance to put a stop to it.
Regulus tensed his jaw in disbelief then frowned at her, at himself. He wished his friend wasn’t so goddamn stubborn about the littlest things. But Regulus wasn’t like Potter with his silver tongue always knowing the right thing to say, nor was any good at being warm and fuzzy so the best he could manage was to stare at Lily rather flatly and say,
“I have extra sweaters in my drawer,” in his best no nonsense ‘you will be putting on a sweater’ tone.
Except Lily was never one to go down without a fight or make things easy for him so she scoffed and insisted, “I don’t need a sweater, Reg. I’m not cold,” rather indignantly. Stayed right where she was instead of walking two feet over to his dresser and picking one out for herself. By Merlin, she was stubborn.
Regulus let out a light sigh and walked over to close his window—just in case Lily really wouldn’t put on a sweater—then stated, “you’re shivering,” before picking out his softest green Slytherin sweater that Lily had slipped on once when she had stayed the night and bringing it over to his friend in a silent plea for her to take it.
“I’m not-” Lily started but Regulus was already in front of her, completely unconvinced.
“Please Lils, put it on,” Regulus attempted a softer approach as he held out the sweater for her. Lily still seemed unwilling however so Regulus tried again. Added, “for me? To make me feel better?” And waited a moment before Lily huffed and took the sweater from him.
Put it on very begrudgingly and reiterated, “only to make you feel better,” very pointedly. But she had taken the sweater regardless of what Regulus had to say to get her to and shortly afterwards Lily’s repressed shivering came to an end, teeth no longer chattering from the cold, so Regulus couldn’t care less what her motivations were. He had gotten what he wanted, which was rare with Lily, who he noted looked vastly more comfortable now that her skin had been covered.
Though unexpectedly, seeing Lily in his clothes brought out something in Regulus. The same unlabeled something that Regulus had felt when he’d kissed her at dinner. A territorial sort of satisfaction that Regulus had previously thought himself far above feeling, something that ran beyond the borders of friendship and had been lying beneath the surface for Merlin only knew how long.
But Regulus didn’t want to feel that territorial male bullshit that he was typically so annoyed by, and he sure as hell didn’t want to risk feeling anything he shouldn’t for Lily and messing up what they had together. After all, a few scattered kisses here and there didn’t actually mean that Lily wanted him in that way.
He was sure Lily pecked all of her friends on the cheek by way of a proper greeting, and she had only been cold when she crawled into his lap that one time…
Wrapped her arms around his neck as they sat by the fire taking refuge from the bone chilling wind and snow outside and muttered, “you’re a really good friend, Regulus. I think you might even be my best friend,” the words both bringing a smile to his face and driving a tiny little stake through his heart. One that was soothed slightly by how Lily had left a sweet kiss on his neck a moment after, hugged him tightly and hadn’t let go for several minutes, making Regulus feel warm inside and useful. Something he almost never felt.
Useful because he could hold Lily close to him, keep her warm, and not have to talk as they were happy enough sitting in the silence, and she had been happy enough with simply his presence, which Regulus had never thought could possibly be enough for anyone before Lily.
How could he throw all that away now just for some silly jealousy driven feelings? For some grand romantic notion that was probably never going to amount to anything anyway?
Regulus may care about Lily perhaps a little more than he was supposed to, but he wasn’t an idiot. He wouldn’t forfeit their friendship for folly, Regulus shook his head to clear himself of his misdirected thoughts.
He probably didn’t even feel that way for Lily anyway, Potter was just toying with his emotions once again and making him get wires crossed because he was horny and frustrated.
Once again, Regulus could blame the vast majority of his problems on an unreasonably attractive asshole who’s single redeeming quality was giving good dick.
Unfortunately for the sake of Regulus’s sanity, while he had been busy analyzing the feelings he didn’t have for Lily, the redhead had scooted herself next to him in his bed and cuddled into his chest, forcing Regulus to re-evaluate that statement as she wrapped her sweater covered arms around him. Sleeves that Regulus took pleasure in noticing were just a little bit too long for her, covering up most of her hands as Lily cozied herself in the combined warmth of Regulus’s body and the sweater that she was wearing.
“What are you reading, Reg?” Lily cocked her head up at him curiously, green eyes even more vivid than usual, auburn hair shimmering in the sunlight as it spread out across his shoulder, very successfully robbing Regulus of any ability to form a coherent response. Why did Lily Evans have to be so goddamn dazzling?
“I-” Regulus struggled to find words, truly thought he had forgotten all of them and he would just have to start from the beginning all because Lily had looked at him once and tore him to pieces. He actually had to check the cover of the book he had been reading—long forgotten now that Lily was cuddled against him—before miraculously managing not to stutter, “The Mayor of Casterbridge. I finished Dorian Gray,”
Lily hummed in acknowledgment, ran her hand through his hair oh-too-casually as Regulus wrapped his free arm around her, refused to move another muscle after that lest he do something—anything—to disturb her.
“I won’t tell you how it ends then,” she responded freely, causing Regulus to arch a brow at her. Lily let out a light chuckle then clarified, “I read it as a child.”
Right, Regulus had somehow forgotten that most of the muggle classics he was only just getting to Lily had already read several times over before she’d even come to Hogwarts. Regulus cursed himself for forgetting even a single thing about Lily.
His friend twirled a strand of his hair with her finger as she spoke, “I actually did want to talk to you about something…” Lily’s voice sounded more forcibly casual than it had before—like she was nervous about something but she wasn’t allowing herself to be, a tone Regulus himself was very familiar with.
“You can talk to me about anything, Lils,” Regulus tried to sound soothing. But nerves were running through him now too, pulsing through his veins and electrifying him, making him more sensitive to Lily’s every touch, as he was pretty sure he knew what Lily wanted to ‘talk’ to him about. Something he very much didn’t want to talk about, or even acknowledge if he had it his way. The kiss that he had been both relentlessly scolding himself for and continuously reliving in a pathetic effort to remember the feeling of her lips on his own and memorize it in case that time in the great hall would be the last time Regulus ever felt them.
“I-” Lily took a steadying breath in and Regulus realized that he so rarely saw his best friend so nervous, that it had to mean something if she was.
“Look, Reg, I really value our friendship,” Lily started with a little more surety.
“I would never want to do anything to jeopardize it,” Regulus found himself interrupting, already certain he knew what direction their discussion was headed in. He pulled Lily in a smidge so she was more fully facing him then took her face in his hand and tucked a strand of her glimmering copper hair behind her ear, trying his best to pretend he wasn’t questioning his every movement while doing so.
“Lily, you’re so important to me,” Regulus forced himself to continue, to say what he needed to say before Lily could friend-zone him and put the topic away forever—which he would be completely fine with, he told himself, “and what happened in the hall- Lils, Potter had been getting in my head, and I know that’s not an excuse and I know I shouldn’t have-”
Regulus was just on the precipice of what was going to be a long strand of apologies when Lily took a fistful of his shirt in her hand and used it to pull herself closer to him, interrupted his monologue with a short shake of her head then a decisive kiss, her lips almost scolding as they met his own.
Warm too, and affectionate eventually, until her hands were in his hair and Lily was pulling herself to sit on his lap, ripping away Regulus’s senses while draping her arms over his shoulders, holding herself closer to him until the two were practically flush against one another.
It was indulgent and easy like the kiss a few days ago had been, but without the audience that time, and Regulus secretly relished the luxury of getting Lily all to himself. Just the two of them in his room as she stole his breath away, robbed him of all his doubt filled and hesitant thoughts until she pulled away with a small smile on her now kiss bitten lips.
Her voice was breathy and knowing as she told him, “you’ve gotta get out of your head sometimes, Reg,” she giggled as Regulus leaned forward for more of her already addicting kisses, finished, “it would do you some good.”
Lily spoke as if it was really that easy, as if Regulus could simply open some door and step out of his mind for a bit then leisurely find his way back, and Regulus didn’t think that doing so would be at all possible but he wouldn’t tell her that. Especially not when she was smiling at him all sappily like she was.
Especially not when she was kissing him like she was.
Not short, friendly little pecks like they usually shared, ones that could easily be brushed off as platonic and ordinary, but long lingering things. Kisses where their tongues danced together and at least one of them kind of lost their breath and Lily was on his lap wrapping her arms around him, blushing so prettily, such a beautiful stain on her freckled skin… Regulus got a little too lost in himself. In her, really.
“So…” Regulus began hesitantly, dumbly almost as Lily had taken away most of his capacity for any intelligent thought simply by gracing his lips with hers. Positioning herself so closely to him, driving Regulus half out of his mind with lust as his most staunchly denied fantasies seemed to come to life in front of him. He had to be dreaming, he thought to himself fleetingly, there was no way he wasn’t dreaming.
“Does this mean you’d..,” Regulus tried to be cautious, careful with his words, just in case he would only get one shot with her, “…want me to keep kissing you?” Regulus almost winced at how pathetic he sounded, how miserably whipped he was for Lily Evans. Except he didn’t feel miserable… he was pretty sure he felt better than he had in ages thanks to her. More alive than he could ever recall feeling as Lily’s fingers lingered at the back of his neck, Regulus over-aware of her every touch to his undeserving skin.
Lily only smiled, nodded ever so slightly, then kissed him again, and Regulus supposed he had gotten his answer, although he would have liked to hear it. And he thought he was going to be able to keep kissing her, to luxuriate in it, until suddenly she pulled away, a deep furrow in her brows that was only then eminent, that Regulus was sure hadn’t been there earlier. He would have noticed if it was.
“Just- before we- do anything,” Lily became the one phrasing things carefully, “when you kissed me, that wasn’t just because of James, right?”
She seemed wary, slightly uncomfortable when she had previously been so much the opposite. Regulus’s heart tugged horribly when he realized he had potentially indicated that it had been. That he had made Lily feel that way…
Why was it he could never phrase anything right? He was always unintentionally screwing things up, Regulus internally scolded himself.
Was quick to answer, “No. Lils, that wasn’t- I’d been wanting to kiss you- properly, I mean, for so long. I didn’t know if you wanted it so I kept it to myself. I never- never wanted to screw things up between us- but I wanted you. Wanted to be more to you than just- you know, a friend. But I would have been perfectly content just being your friend- would have been that forever to you if that was what you wanted. I would have never kissed you, and I still can if that’s all you want from me, Lily. But I think James messing with me was just the push that I needed to finally…” Regulus rambled, wrung his hands out in a bundle of nerves, sure he was using all the wrong words before he finally found the right ones, “but, yeah,” he nodded with notably more surety, “I’ve always wanted to kiss you.” Regulus decided now was as good a time as any to shut himself up. Before he could make even more of a fool of himself, that was.
Though it seemed he had lucked out and managed to get out what Lily had wanted to hear somewhere in there, because in the midst of his monologue Lily’s smile had come back, kind and beautiful as ever as she graced Regulus with yet another kiss.
A short one before she declared, “in that case, I’m glad he did,” which proceeded to make Regulus’s head spin so quickly Regulus was sure it would simply fly off. Leave his body and rejoin the stars, waiting for the rest of him to catch up. Dwell there in his constellation and he’d never be able to kiss Lily Evans again, or get called ‘chhota sher’ by Potter in his gravelly sex voice, which Regulus both despised and secretly enjoyed.
No, he’d fly to the stars in pieces and Lily would be left with the rest of him because this couldn’t possibly be happening, Lily couldn’t actually want him. He was broken and odd and not good enough for her in so many ways and Merlin, even Potter would be better.
Obnoxious as he was, Regulus was fairly certain he would treat Lily right. Wouldn’t burden her with all his insecurities and issues, wouldn’t nearly have a panic attack just because Lily kissed him. Regulus quickly rescinded his thought, remembered just how obsessed he was with her and realized Potter probably would. But maybe he would still be okay with Potter being with her, buying Lily things and promptly getting scolded for it, letting her wear his quidditch jerseys and all that other cutesy shit that Regulus himself wasn’t any good at. And Potter was touchy and feely too, and girls tended to like that… so maybe, his own jealousy aside, James wouldn’t be horrible to her.
Maybe Regulus could even learn to be… okay with the two of them together over time. Besides, regretfully enough Potter was definitely a better option for Lily than he was…
Lily snapped her fingers in front of Regulus’s face and he blinked a few times before returning to reality, not the faintest clue how long he had zoned out for.
“Regulus,” Lily shook him a bit, leading Regulus to slowly respond,
“uh… yeah?”
“You were doing it again,” Lily stated matter of factly, “the spacing out thing,” she clarified. Then, “when I kissed you did I like, break your brain or something?”
Regulus chuckled rather dryly, admitted, “yeah, I think you did.”
. . .
Lily’s birthday was fast approaching, and in fact, had almost taken Regulus by surprise that year, as he had been so caught up in his nonsense with Potter and the recent shift in his friendship with Lily. But a week before the occasion—far later than he would usually start looking for a present—he had caught up to it. He knew whatever he got her had to be vastly superior to any other present he had gotten her in the years before, seeing as he wasn’t sure where his duties lay in the severely blurred area between study partner and boyfriend that he found himself caught in. And if he was closer to a boyfriend than a friend to Lily he couldn’t risk his gift being even a little bit subpar. One wrong step and he might be exiled back to study partner territory and all it entailed.
Back to infrequent and platonic kisses that landed on his cheek instead of his lips and lasted only seconds before they were taken away from him like blessings he hadn’t quite earned yet. Little hints of a future he would probably never get to have with her because he was just a friend and Regulus had been happy being that. But now that he was starting to get a real taste of that future Regulus wasn’t so sure that he was anymore. That he could go back to the way things were after having had a glimpse at heaven after so long without it.
So to say that Regulus was freaking out about what to get Lily that year would very decisively be the understatement of a century. And what certainly didn’t help with his spiral of perfectionist panic was the lord of annoyances himself, James fucking Potter, casually stopping by his room as if they were… friends… or something.
Standing at his door with a sunny smile and a natural ease as if Regulus in any way wanted him there, and Regulus rolled his eyes the second he saw him, fed up with Potter already. Pissed off by his mere presence as he snapped,
“What, asshole?” And very genuinely considered slamming the door in Potter’s face. A surly greeting that Regulus only belatedly realized was giving James exactly what he wanted, adding fuel to his fire as James’s eyes lit up and a too familiar smirk developed on his unfairly handsome face.
“Mad at me already, love?” James cocked a brow, spoke with an easy and amused sort of confidence, and Regulus scowled heavily at him. Already knew the fucker was enjoying this.
“If you’re here for sex, I’m not fucking you, Potter,” Regulus crossed his arms irritably, having a fairly good idea where the conversation was going and wanting to cut off any possibility of such a thing from the start. He knew that that teasing tone James used never led anywhere good. That it got him into bed then regretting it far more quickly than Regulus would ever admit.
But James’s smirk only widened at that, and Potter tut-tutted as if he was disappointed. Rebutted, “is that all you think of me Reggie? All you think I want from you?” He shook his head and messed up his already horrendously messy mop of hair in doing so. Regulus had to physically hold himself back from reaching over to fix it. Had to every time he saw the constant state of chaos James continuously kept it in.
“Can’t I stop by for a social visit?” James cocked his head at him playfully, innocently, and Regulus knew Potter’s innocence was falsified the second he recognized it.
Regulus sighed and stared at Potter flatly. “So you’re either here to give me something, which you know very well I don’t want. Or you’re here to waste my time with small talk in some pathetic attempt to get me to enjoy your company,” Regulus determined, unamused. He was already confused and stressed out enough as it was, the last thing he needed was James adding to all of that.
“Wrong on both counts, Reg,” James shook his head good naturedly, completely unbothered by Regulus’s insults and surly attitude. Enjoying it, sadistically enough. “Though I do appreciate the effort. I’m actually here because I need your help with something. Tried goin’ to Mary about it but she laughed in my face so-”
“What do you need my help with?” Regulus impatiently interrupted. The sooner he got Potter to shut up and get out of his vicinity, the better. Even if it meant having to help the bastard.
“Uh-” James raised his brows, seeming surprised that Regulus had even offered, though Regulus couldn’t say he hadn’t surprised himself a bit either, “-getting Lily a present,” he went on, “I heard her birthday’s coming up and I want to get her something she won’t shove down the garbage disposal,” James rubbed the back of his neck, almost looking to be nervous, if Regulus didn’t know any better.
“I uh- kinda figured you know her best. So you would know what to get her,” James finished.
Regulus gritted his teeth, then, with a regretful sigh, gestured for James to come in. Only briefly, he told himself, only so that he wouldn’t be seen speaking to Potter by anyone who might pass by.
Once James was in and he had shut the door Regulus shot Potter a slightly less hate filled glare and explained, “Lily doesn’t like presents, so you’re better off not getting her anything. Or I don’t know, not bothering her for a day. She’d like that,”
James furrowed his brows in disbelief, his mouth dropping open like what Regulus had said was potentially the strangest thing he had ever heard and questioned, “what do you mean she doesn’t like presents? Who doesn’t like presents?” Potter sounded appalled, almost aghast.
“Lily doesn’t,” Regulus clarified for the man, irritated he even had to. There was nothing wrong with not liking presents. Potter didn’t need to make it out like there was something wrong with her for it, he thought in his friend’s defense. “She doesn’t like other people spending money on her. My advice is don’t,”
“But you’re getting her something?” James shook his head as if not getting Lily anything was simply unacceptable, questioned him as if he already knew the answer and Regulus bitterly resented Potter for it.
Wasn’t sure why he was being so open when he responded, “and it took me years for her to even let me. She practically tore my balls off the first time I tried, and last time I bought her something she threatened to cut my credit card up with scissors. Buy her something at your own risk, Potter,” Regulus leaned back against his wall, suddenly feeling a rush of one-upmanship from finally having the upper hand with the man that haunted all of his dirty dreams like the cruelest kind of sex god and the absolute worst kind of nuisance. Felt smug for knowing something about Lily that Potter had been so painfully oblivious to. It felt like a win for Regulus, even more so when the man across from him had so many.
But James looked… almost turned on, disgustingly eager when he asked, “Do you think she’d do that to me?” As if he desperately wanted her to.
“To try to rip your balls off?” Regulus raised a brow somewhat mockingly, then found himself with a slight smile of his own, a victorious one, “no, she doesn’t like you enough for that,” he determined somewhat smugly, watched James’s face fall ever so slightly and relished it wholeheartedly before deciding he was done with Potter for the day. Opening his door and telling him to, “get out of my room.”
James had the nerve to look disappointed, let down like a kicked puppy or a child that had really wanted something then been told they couldn’t have it—a sensation Regulus doubted James was at all familiar with.
But he donned his trademark teasing grin quickly enough as James prodded, “kicking me out already, Reg?”
“I shouldn’t have even let you in,” Regulus glanced pointedly in the direction of the door, prayed Potter would for once take a fucking hint.
“You and your ‘shouldn’t have’s,” James acknowledged Regulus’s nonverbal hint with an unphased look of his own then opted to instead make himself comfortable, sitting down on Regulus’s bed and running his hands over the comforter as if he could very happily sit there all day.
“If you’re always thinking about what you should and shouldn’t be doing you’re not really living your life, are you, Reg?” James commented more than a little too familiarly for Regulus’s liking, giving Regulus the growing desire to punch him. Or fuck him, which he would absolutely not be doing.
“Are you under the impression that I asked for your unparalleled wisdom, Potter? Because I didn’t,” Regulus used his heavy sarcasm to cover up the possibility that James’s statement might have held at least a little bit of truth to it. Might have been infuriatingly accurate if Regulus was honest, which he had absolutely no plans of being.
“As usual, Potter, you have no idea what you’re talking about,” Regulus bluffed as skillfully as he possibly could, forcing his tone into that of cool dismissal instead of the terribly affected panic he was feeling internally. Why did James have to see right through him so easily?
James hummed, moderately unphased, then easily rebutted, “well my mum says I’m incredibly emotionally intelligent,” and Regulus rolled his eyes so hard he was sure they hit the back of his head. Thought, he did not just fucking say that. Merlin, Potter was embarrassing himself.
“I’m sure your mum says plenty of things to stroke your ego,” Regulus retorted and James actually seemed offended by that. Gaped rather stupidly then got all huffy for a moment before composing himself far too quickly and stating,
“My mum only says things if they’re true,” Potter crossed his arms as if he had put the matter to rest and Regulus once again rolled his eyes, “and I think you’re scared that I’m right, Reg. I think you’re bluffing cuz you don’t want to admit that I am.”
James took several steps closer to him until he was boxing Regulus in against his place on the wall, an arm on each side of him as Potter shamelessly leaned closer in.
“Yeah, I’m right. Your face is all flustered like when I’m makin’ you feel good and you’re mad at me for it,” James surmised a little too intelligently. The cocky and knowing grin that spread across his profanely handsome face only worsened the blow. Made Regulus feel a little wobbly in his knees as James lowered his face within inches of his own, boxed him in until Regulus could nearly feel the man’s breath on his face, then until he actually could.
Teasing him just because he could. Seducing Regulus in his own goddamn room like the classless fucking heathen he was, and yet when Regulus went to respond his words weren’t well articulated ones full of ire as he would have liked but sorry little stammers of, “I’m not- it isn’t- I don’t do that, James,” surrender if he’d ever heard it, Regulus cursed himself for not remaining more composed. Wanted to curse James too but apparently didn’t have it in him with Potter so painstakingly close.
“Sure you don’t, sweetheart,” James smirked victoriously—always an obnoxious fucking winner—then lowered his voice an octave, sounding simultaneously softer and huskier than before as he asked, “Do you want me to fuck you? ‘Cuz I can,” with his mouth a mere couple of inches away from Regulus’s ear. As if fucking him was some service Potter was happy to provide if Regulus wanted it. As if all he needed to do was ask. And James was too familiar and sincere when he finished, “it might make you feel better,” with one hand placed in between Regulus’s hip and his waist and the other finding its way around the base of his hair. Warm and not too heavy there in a way that was wearing Regulus down more swiftly and easily than he could imagine.
Leaving Regulus internally kicking himself for thinking yes, it would. Because no, he shouldn’t, and no, Regulus tried his best to convince himself, it wouldn’t.
Leaving him stammering, “no- I- I don’t…” then, “you don’t know what you’re fucking talking about,” as despite Potter’s countless charms Regulus was still deep in denial, sailing smoothly along that river as he had been for months, as he had been every time James hand put his hands on him. Made him feel warm and tingly inside with his golden retriever grin and chocolatey brown eyes. His fluffy fucking hair and his uncanny way with words, so many things that were more than just sex swirling together in an awful storm of what Regulus refused to label as ‘feelings’ that consistently threatened to engulf him whole if he let himself succumb to it.
And James always had to call his bluff as he challenged, “I think I do,” raised a brow and the upper corner of his lips because he knew that he was right. James was impeccably good at knowing when he was winning.
“I think you’ve fallen off your broom so many times it’s given you brain damage,” Regulus sniped when he eventually found his backbone again. Irritation sliced through him like a knife. He glared at Potter harshly and forcefully slapped Jame’s hand away from his face and Regulus couldn’t differentiate his lust from his anger as it burned the same in his fire. At least he hadn’t yet developed a boner.
But Regulus had made one crucial misstep in his fury, forgetting the golden rule when dealing with Potter, and he realized it immediately in the way James’s eyes lit up with a mix of excitement and arousal. Potter’s voice only became more seductive as Regulus realized he had turned the sadistic fucker on, low and heady as he uttered, “that’s it, growl at me chhota sher (little lion), you know I love hearing you roar,” James once again too close to him, too attractive, too impervious to everything he tried to push him away, and Regulus hated it as much as he was enthralled by it, a combination Regulus would not be allowing himself to indulge in, he determined.
Except that he did, only seconds later threatening, “I could curse you, Potter. Do far worse than growl.” Falling into James’s trap like he always did because James knew all the right buttons to press and like him or not, Potter was fucking good at it.
James smooth and satisfied as he spoke, “you could. And you’d look so pretty doing it.”
Regulus had to duck under James’s muscled arm to step away from him, stride halfway across the room as rage simmered brutally within him. Lost to all the clever wordage and snarky retorts he could have been making when he glared at James heavily to say, “I hate you, you know that?” His words didn’t hold quite as much ire as Regulus would have wanted them to.
“Whatever you say, love,” Potter didn’t even have the decency to pretend to sound phased, before his tone switched from playful to once of a much more genuine caliber as he continued, “But you know it’s okay to not be okay, right, Reg? You don’t always have to have it all together,”
Regulus faltered and James only took it as an opportunity to continue speaking, his voice warm and gentle in a way that both made Regulus want to carve his tongue out with a knife and loosened his pulled taut limbs more than he would like to admit.
James’s warm hands somehow ended up cradling Regulus’s face, holding him as if he was precious—and as if James had any right to—as he spoke,
“You can let yourself be taken care of, Reggie. No one’ll judge you for it. I can take care of you if you want that. If you’ll let me,”
Regulus took a long moment to consider James’s words. His offer that Regulus wanted so desperately to have enough strength in him not to be tempted by. To be able to continue to pretend he wasn’t falling apart at the seams and James’s hold on him wasn’t the only thing tethering him, keeping him from collapsing right where he stood. He wanted to scream at James for taking one look at him and figuring out exactly what was wrong.
Picking out all of Regulus’s broken pieces and telling Regulus it was okay to have them. Like an emotionally intelligent fucking pariah feeding on Regulus’s distress for his own gain. Except as much as Regulus hated to admit it, he didn’t think that was it. As much as he wanted to think the absolute worst of Potter, he was pretty sure James was just an embarrassingly good person. An asshole, a hopeless idiot, and a nuisance to be sure, but also genuinely kind and concerned for the well being of others. Regulus almost winced at the realization.
Why in Merlin’s name did Potter have to have any redeeming qualities? Regulus silently cursed to himself. Why couldn’t he just be good in bed and horrendous the rest of the time? Keep his touchy feely bullshit to himself? It was so much easier when Potter didn’t get his feelings all involved. So much easier to convince himself that he despised Potter and move on from the matter. But no, of course James had to go and make things hard for him.
Hard in more ways than one as Regulus realized he’d developed an incredibly ill timed boner. He gritted his teeth and all but shoved James’s bulky, maliciously attractive form out of his room.
Forced him past the door and fleetingly realized that James was letting him. That he easily could have pushed back against him but was choosing not to. Allowing Regulus to mildly brutalize him with a fucking smile on his face, concern fading away as Regulus shoved him indelicately into the hall and Potter grinned as if he was glad to be defeated by him and shrugged,
“Another time then,” rather unbearably with that same cocky smirk he always wore that Regulus would go to his grave before admitting he found himself attracted to, then didn’t so much as protest as Regulus slammed the door in his face more harshly than he needed to to send a message.
Maybe if he slammed his door harshly enough he wouldn’t be tempted to open it again.
But as soon as he was alone in his room everything he had been refusing to let himself feel came crashing back in and there was a bitter taste on his tongue that felt like betrayal. That felt like his devotion to Lily seeping back in and reminding Regulus that he had been lying to her. Not just as her friend but now as something more too. And if he wanted to continue whatever the fuck he was doing with Potter he probably had to tell her.
Regulus groaned, doing that would mean defining whatever the fuck he was doing with Potter. And worse, actually acknowledging that he was doing whatever the fuck he was doing with Potter. Likely suffering a whole world of hurt and judgment from Lily for keeping it from her for so long, and for getting into bed with Potter of all people.
But he had to be honest with Lily, she deserved that much. Even if it meant Regulus having to confront his non-feelings for the idiotic asshole that dicked him down occasionally. It was his only option if he wanted any real shot with Lily. Though Regulus knew already that doing so would ultimately end in him getting his ass kicked. In deep shit with no way of getting out of it.
Then again, Regulus found himself thinking, a little collaboration with the enemy and a lot of properly placed bribery might just get him out of the slow and painful death he would otherwise be resigning himself to.
Regulus opened his door to find James exactly where he left him, smiling like the bane of his existence and his only hope for salvation as Potter raised a brow like he had expected it. As if James knew that Regulus hadn’t really meant it when he’d slammed the door and Regulus internally resented him for it. For Potter being so ready and eager to help like he always fucking was when Regulus gave in then gave up as he sighed,
“So, what are we getting Lily?”