Sirius Black and having regrets
Sirius
Sirius Black was staring again. It'd become a bad habit of his. He'd find something, anything to focus on and disassociate for a while. Typically Sirius would choose one of his friends, Lupin more often than not, but lately, he'd been hyper-focused on anyone or anything else.
The boys were angry at Sirius. They'd grown tired of him and his big mouth, just like Regulus warned they would. His own brother knew that he'd be outcasted eventually; that was how things would always be. That was being a Black.
Sirius thinks he must've committed some heinous acts in his past life to end up being a Black. As if being born into the family wasn't enough, he'd been outcasted and shunned simply for the house he'd been sorted into. Taunted or scolded constantly by those he should call family.
But none of that mattered. Not now. Not after he'd ruined everything.
Sitting in class was torture for a multitude of reasons, the main one being how utterly dreadful Sirius was at potions. He struggled to brew the simplest of potions, he was so awful that once when he'd been tasked to brew a Wiggenweld potion but had messed up the recipe so badly that when Slughorn tried it he'd ended up with four extra fingers that lasted three days. Coming in a close second was the fact that Severus Snape happened to be one of his desk mates.
"You all good, Black? You're looking a bit lazier than normal." Snape taunted, flicking Sirius' temple. Sirius only looked at him in response. Typically any contact with Severus would end with both boys in an all-out brawl as well as a week's detention.
Fortunately, Sirius was just too tired to care about mindless teasing.
"Decided to shut that mouth for once, have you? A bit too late for that, I think."
Sirius' breath hitched.
Three weeks ago Sirius had betrayed one of his best friends. Three weeks ago he'd let Snape's cruel words sneak into his head. Three weeks ago he'd ruined so much.
Surely Snape wasn't idiotic enough to rub it in like this.
Surely.
"Oi Snivellus! You'd do good to back off." James hissed while glaring at Snape, who wasted no time in returning to his assignment. Potter had always been able to ward Snape off, most assumed it was because of the time James had accidentally ripped his pants off during charms the year before.
When Sirius realized what'd just happened he'd just stood there to process; James and him hadn't spoken much since the incident.
He glanced up at his friend, who was already staring. Sirius hadn't realized how much he'd missed James' kind brown eyes and crooked smile.
With a shaky exhale, he returned the look.
"'Alright, Padfoot?" James asked him with a nod. Sirius would've keeled over and died of happiness right there if possible.
"Buzzin,"
James pat him on the shoulder and returned to examining his notebook.
Sirius smiled to himself, grateful for the interaction. He focused on the warmth that had bubbled in his chest after James had touched him. It was the first contact he'd had in weeks- not hyper-focusing on it seemed sinful.
James had been very, very angry at Sirius. Maybe almost as angry as Lupin himself, if that was possible.
Sirius didn't try and fight their anger. He knew he'd fucked up wrong as soon as he'd spoken. As many times as he'd thought about trying to explain himself- though there wasn't any excuse for what he'd done- he couldn't bring himself to confront Lupin or James or anyone. He hadn't spoken to anyone in a week before Regulus had noticed his older brother's unusual silence and taken the issue apart.
Sirius had cried that day. A lot. Regulus listened and even offered comforts, something Sirius believed him to be incapable of.
"I can't do this, Reg, I just can't." He had heaved while Regulus wrapped his arms around his older brother.
"You can and you will" Regulus took a moment to brush the hair out of Sirius' face before continuing,
"If anyone can work past this it's you; You're the strongest, bravest person I know."
Hearing Regulus speak so highly of him only made Sirius feel worse. 'You don't deserve this, you don't deserve this, you don't deserve this' the voice in his head slurred.
He was trapped in his head with no desire to escape.
The rest of the day flew by. Sirius had sat with James and Pete at lunch, who were more than willing to reconnect with him. Lupin was still avoiding him. It hurt Sirius but he certainly understood why.
In the common room, the three boys had sat by the fire, playing cards while Remus read and avoided even breathing in their general direction.
"D'you think he's upset with you two now?" Sirius had asked in a hushed tone, his voice pained. James and Peter exchanged a glance before answering,
"He's certainly not pleased, but I think he'll come 'round soon enough." Peter shot Sirius a tiny grin before diverting his attention to literally anything else.
"Lupin can take as much time as he needs- by all means he deserves it, but he doesn't decide whether we or not we forgive you." James continued, then grabbed Sirius' hand. Sirius jumped. He hadn't been used to the sudden contact. James, unfortunately, had noticed and frowned with disappointment.
James had always seen right through Sirius. He was the first one to figure out something was off about his home life, though he'd never pushed Sirius about it, and he was always the first to recognize any issues with his friends. He'd watched Peter like a hawk for nearly a month after he'd discovered a few Slytherin boys picking on him.
It was terrifying, to say the least.
Instead of prying for answers, James pulled Sirius towards him and carelessly slung his arm around Sirius before starting up a round of teasing,
"I'm glad to have my Padfoot back, anyways, Pete can put up an okay fight when we tussle."A smug look crept across James' face and in one swift motion, he had Sirius in a playful headlock.
The height difference between the two of them was apparent, but Sirius used it to his advantage. He went limp in James' grasp and wriggled his way out of the headlock.
Sirius wasted no time. He was immediately on top of James, wrestling him to the ground playfully. The two of them laughed delightfully while rolling on the ground.
"Oka- Okay! You've got me, Prongs!" Sirius surrendered through giggles. James had him in a fireman's carry, ready to toss the other onto the common room's couch.
James huffed in victory, not yet letting Sirius go.
"Mm, I dunno, whaddya lads think? Should I let Pads down," James leaned forward and maneuvered Sirius' body to a potato sack cary "'cuz I'm thinking he could use another round!" Peter hollered in agreement, jumping up to join James in wrestling Sirius.
In the end, Lupin stopped the mini brawl.
"You lot quit it. There are other people in the commons, know?" He spat, glowering at Sirius, who quickly looked anywhere else.
James chuckled nervously. He whispered something to Pete, who nodded in agreement.
"Me and Petey are gonna go ahead and get ready for bed, thought we'd try for a good rest before our divination test tomorrow," James announced, speaking quickly. The two of them were rushing to get to the stairs, not giving Sirius or Remus enough time to get a word in.
Of course, Sirius wanted to follow his mates, especially to quell the awkwardness of being alone with Remus. But they'd left the cards scattered on the floor forcing Sirius to stick around for a minute and get them up.
He could feel the weight of Remus' glare like thorns he couldn't pluck.
They sat in awkward silence, both at least attempting to focus on anything other than each other.
Once Sirius finished gathering the cards back into the small box he started towards the stairs. He would have to walk past Remus. Scary.
Since he'd tried to walk fast, Sirius thought he'd be safe. He was not.
Remus had knocked the cards from his hands which caused them to scatter all around the floor in front of his long legs.
Sirius swallowed a whine. He bent over to begin gathering the cards when Remus spoke,
"Nothing to say, Black? I'm shocked."
Remus never spoke to him like that. Or at least he never had before all of this.
Sirius had lied about Remus ignoring him constantly. When the two of them were alone, Remus Lupin made it his personal goal to make sure Sirius knew his place.
It was never anything awful, just hurtful words in hurtful tones. Sirius had brought out the worst part of Remus Lupin and he deserved every second of it.
"No, nothing to say," Sirius replied in a half-whisper. Remus knocked the cards he'd begun gathering again. Sirius flinched hard but otherwise didn't react. This seemed to make Remus angrier, as he huffed in annoyance.
Sirius, who was on his knees now, glanced up at Remus for only a second. Their eyes met, but Remus was quick to end that.
"What is wrong with you?" Remus grumbled before stomping off towards the stairs, not sparing Sirius another glance.
Merlin, if only I knew!
Sirius wanted to scream and shout and chase Remus and punch Remus and feel Remus next to him.
But he can't. He won't.
He won't hurt Remus ever again. Ever, ever, ever.
.
.
.
The next day, Sirius woke up to a nasty fever and a clear stream of snot pooling out of his nose.
Lovely.
"Merlin, Sirius. You look like shit." Peter teased when Sirius emerged from his bed. The other three had started getting ready for class already, meaning Sirius would be in a rush today.
Just lovely.
"Why thank you Wormtail! Such a sweet soul, you." Sirius attempted sarcasm, lamentably the sickly rasp in his voice betrayed him. Peter stared at him with furrowed brows.
"You feeling alright, Pads?"
"Yeah, all good."
Sirius smiled weakly, trying to keep his typical energy up. Peter looked unimpressed, but before he could say anything else James popped out of the bathroom with soggy hair and a towel around his waist.
He was belting some ABBA song Mary had been playing nonstop. Sirius, feeling judgmental, attempted a groan.
Whatever noise came out of Sirius garnered James' attention. He sprung towards Sirius' bed before lightly pressing his rough hand against the other boy's paler-than-usual forehead.
James made a tutting sound. He sat down on the bed, taking Sirius with him.
James started mumbling incoherently as if he was having a two-person conversation with himself. Sirius cleared his throat and rasped,
"Ah- Prongs, English please."
James looked Sirius up and down before saying anything.
"You're burning up, Pads. No lessons today." James declared as if he were a mother fretting over one of her own.
Sirius appreciated James' concern, really, but missing lessons wasn't an option. He'd skived off so many times that year that missing any more class might result in more detentions, which led to more letters to Walburga, which meant Sirius would be totally fucked when he got home.
"I can't, James-" Sirius began to argue, but was met with a finger to his lips and an arm around his torso.
"Nope, it's not up for debate. You're clearly not feeling well- and have you not been eating or something? You've gotten too bony, Padfoot- don't make me watch you eat young man." James chirped, poking Sirius' ribs. He wasn't wrong, Sirius had been skipping most meals. He didn't want to have to face Lupin or the others at mealtime. Avoiding them was easier.
"If I skip they'll send another letter to my mum." Battled Sirius. He'd prayed that James would have Mercy and drop it. James shifted on the bed, playing with his fingers in his lap.
Sirius met his eyes and gave the best puppy dog look he could, reviving a playful scoff from James and a giggle from Peter who was watching the interaction whilst waiting for his turn in the bathroom.
"Merlin, you're sure to be the death of me. But I'm not letting you go to class like this, sorry mate." James tucked Sirius' head into the crook of his own neck in comfort. Sirius groaned, knowing that trying to argue with James would make him feel worse.
"..orright." He muttered, voice muffled by James' shoulder. He hummed in delight before tucking his best friend back into bed.
Sirius stared at him, his vision blurred. James smiled at him and promised to be back during lunch before getting up to throw his robes on.
Remus stepped out of the bathroom a few minutes later, or at least Sirius assumed he did. Sirius was nearly half asleep when he overheard James' voice by the door.
"He'll be alright. Moony, you'll grab us an elixir from Poppy's later, right?"
"Sure James."
"Mummy Prongs, always looking out for her chicks!"
"Piss off, Wormy. Will you two meet me here for lunch, then?"
"'Course."
"Moons?"
"James..."
James said something that Sirius didn't quite catch before he'd completely passed out in his bed.
.
.
"Mother, where's Andie?" Sirius asked. He couldn't find his cousin anywhere, his anxiety increasing by the second.
Walburga exchanged a glance with Cygnus.
"Andromeda a fait son choix. Elle a quitté la famille pour épouser cet homme moldu. Je ne veux plus entendre de questions Sirius." His mother responded sharply.
"Que veux-tu dire, Mère? Où est-elle allée?" Sirius pushed, his French fluent.
Walburga snapped at him, saying he was being disrespectful and that any further comments on his cousin would result in consequences.
That was that. Andie was gone.
Andie was gone Andie was gone Andie was goneAndiewasgoneAndiewasgone AndiewasgoneAndiewasgonAndiewasgoneAndiewasgoneAndiewasgoneAndiewasgone.
.
.
"Up and at 'em, Padfoot!"
Sirius groaned, his head pounding. He felt someone lightly shaking his shoulder.
Sleeping of the illness had not helped whatsoever. He felt nauseated all over and his head was seriously killing him.
"Go 'wayyy." Sirius moaned, burying himself deeper into his sheets.
The light shaking became a violent earthquake. Sirius' eyes fluttered open to find Peter.
He sat up quickly to scan the room. James and Remus chatted by the door, Wormtail scowling at him, his shirt on the floor.
Oh. Oh no.
Sirius scrambled back under his blanket. He prayed to whatever god that might've been out there that Peter hadn't seen his chest.
Peter groaned and tried to pull the sheets back off of Sirius.
"C'mon mate, we've got your lunch."
"Uh- Wormy-"
"Don't make me push you off the bed, Sirius."
"Pete, seriously don't-"
"Don't be a baby, Padfoot! C'mon."
Peter was very close to winning a tug of war-with Sirius' sheets, so Sirius, being the natural genius he was, blurted the first thing he could think.
"Peter I'm totally bricked!"
The room went dead silent. All four boys sorta stared at each other in disbelief.
Sirius slapped his hands over his face, melting in shame over something that wasn't even true.
The agonizing silence was broken by a tiny chuckle that escaped James' lips. That triggered a laughing spell from Peter, and soon both boys were on their knees and unable to stand.
Sirius peaked at Remus, who had also fallen victim. He had his hand on his forehead and bore a stupid smile.
Sirius felt warm. He then scolded himself.
Lupins not laughing with you, he's laughing at you stupid.
The giggle fest was broken by James, who had decided to milk the joke further.
"Well, I suppose we should give you a moment, tell the little fellow I said hello!"
Sirius groaned, secretly relieved. He took the opportunity to throw his robes on as soon as the other boys had left.
He didn't enjoy hiding from James or Peter or even Remus, but the idea of them seeing the scars scared him.
When he met the boys in the common room, Pete decided to join in on James' devious teasing.
"How's Sirius Jr. doing today? Hope I didn't disturb him in all his glory."
Sirius rolled his eyes and shot Pete the bird. James found it hilarious, of course, and added,
"Poor lads ready to be back in action since his dad's taken a bird break, aye?"
"Can we stop discussing my stiffy in the very open common room?"
James laughed at his own jokes. Pete laughed at everything. Remus ignored them. Just like old times. Old times being a month ago.
"We brought you lunch, and Moony should have something from Pomfrey to give ya," James informed while shoving a plate in front of Sirius. The food looked great, but Sirius knew his stomach would have other plans.
"Thanks, Prongs, but I can't eat right now."
James gave him a solemn look.
Sirius knew James' history with food. The year before had been particularly rough.
James had always eaten less than the other marauders, but Sirius assumed it was because he was picky.
He had been wrong.
They'd noticed when James had passed on his favorite dish, not paying it much mind until the next day when he'd refused to eat more than a bite of his sandwich.
They'd confronted him about it after about a week of observation, and in typical James fashion, he had spilled his guts and immediately apologized for making them listen. It had simply broken Sirius' heart.
James had explained that when he was little an old neighborhood kid that had made a habit of picking on him had told him he was getting too fat after he'd gained some weight. James had been nine. The cruelty of another child had haunted James for years and years. If not for his quidditch build James would've been severely underweight.
From that moment forward, Sirius and the other two had made it a personal goal to monitor James' eating. He'd gotten much, much better. So much so that he'd become the one monitoring their eating instead.
"Sirius Orion Black- I will force this chicken down your throat if you don't eat in the next five seconds."
Sirius' eyes widened. Seeing James so worked up was unnerving. He decided fighting would just end up with James' crusty fingers down his throat; he downed a few bites.
"Good lad. Now drink the potion, it should clear your fever." James beckoned for Remus to pass Sirius the vial.
"Chug it, Padfoot, it tastes as awful as one of James' quidditch socks!" Peter teased as Sirius awkwardly took the potion from Remus, who made no attempts to speak or even look in his direction.
"And how would you know one of Prongs' socks even tastes like?" Sirius pried, making Pete flush red.
"I- well it wasn't my fault! Marlene said she'd give me 10 pounds, and-and Hogsmeade was coming up-"
"Merlin, Pete, I was only teasing!" Sirius barked with laughter, followed by James. Peter's face had gotten impossibly redder.
"If you were that curious you could've just asked, Wormy! My socks are always up for grabs."
"Yeah, James is a benevolent ruler. Always too willing to share, aren't ya Prongsy?"
"Merlin's beard just drink the potion, Sirius!"
Sirius grinned and then complied. Sure the potion was diabolically horrid, but he had never felt happier.
After they'd finished eating together James decided that, if and only if Sirius felt better, they head walk to class. Not willing to miss his last two classes of the day, Sirius agreed. They all had Herbology next and then charms.
.
.
Sirius felt great. He was in between James and Peter as they closed in on the greenhouse. Remus walked behind the boys, keeping to himself.
Sirius desperately wanted to reach out to him. To walk hand in hand as they did mere weeks ago. Remus was so, so close to Sirius, but they couldn't be farther apart.
His mind shifted to the day before he had hit rock bottom. The last time he had properly spoken to Remus.
"Sure you're alright, Moony?" Sirius asked as he and Remus entered the hospital wing.
It was the night of the full moon, meaning Remus was absolutely on edge. He often snapped at Peter and James on days of the full, earlier he'd nearly ripped Pete's throat out for asking if he wanted Tea. Once Remus had shoved James into a wall for accidentally running into Sirius, interrupting their conversation, while walking to class. He spent the rest of the month kissing James' ass in apology.
It was hilarious.
"We've been over this, Sirius. I'll be fine, you'll see me in a few hours." Remus responded softly.
That was what had puzzled Sirius. How Remus could be so gentle with him all the time, even when he was in so much pain. Sirius even joked that Remus was kinder to him during full moons.
Sirius could only respond in a whisper,
"Okay."
His eyes met Remus'.
"Okay, Padfoot."
He felt two long arms snake around his back, pulling him into a hug. Sirius returned the gesture by wrapping his arms around Remus' neck, standing on his toes to compensate for the height difference.
They rarely shared quiet moments; constantly surrounded by the chaotic energy of Hogwarts. It was nice.
Sirius liked knowing Remus felt at ease with him. He liked knowing he made an impact on someone.
Sirius liked-
His daydream was interrupted by a smack to the forehead.
Sirius stumbled back, nearly landing on his ass.
What the..?
He glanced at James, who was literally snorting with laughter, and at Pete, who had genuine tears welling.
"Padfoot, I love you so much. So much." James said through snorts. Sirius realized what he'd done.
He had marched straight into glass while not paying attention.
Sirius was dumbfounded.
What is wrong with you?
He felt the sore spot on his head with the palm of his hand, trying to think of some excuse or explanation as to why his typically graceful self had just completely lost it.
James reached out to replace Sirius' hand with his own.
"Are you still feeling feverish? I'll walk you back to the common-"
"Do my eyes deceive me, or did I just watch the Sirius Black run into glass like a little birdy?"
Barty Crouch Jr. stood alongside Evan Rosier with a smug look on his face.
"Yeah ya did, don't cream your pants." Sirius bit back, earning a chuckle from Rosier.
Evan and Barty had hated Sirius the moment he wasn't sorted into their house of snakes and snobs. One would think growing up together would grant Sirius at least some sympathy.
"Feisty! Having an off day, are we?"
He spat on Barty's shoes.
"Piss off, Jr. Crotch. I'm in the mood for more intelligent company."
Barty clenched his fist, smile not faltering. An insult nearly rolled off his tongue, but it was Evan's turn to speak.
"How contradictory of you to say that, blood traitor. I'm sure Mummy will be pleased to hear that you've been fraternized with mud-bloods and lesser namesakes again."
Sirius froze.
Technically Evan was correct, he was under strict orders to not speak to James or Pete or Remus or anyone, really.
Of course, he'd never follow a rule so stupid, and it wasn't like Walburga could get to him at Hogwarts.
Unless she'd convinced Evan and Barty's families to get them to spy for her.
"Gonna snitch on me, then? I'd thought you'd grown out of such childish habits," Sirius took a moment to pretend to think before gasping, "Don't tell me you still wet the bed, Ev!"
Even Barty chuckled at that dig and earned a punch in the arm from Evan, whose face had gone completely red.
"Just you wait, Sirius- once Walburga finds out you'll be sorry, I mean it!" Evan, clearly humiliated, hissed. He looked ready to tackle Sirius, and he very well might've if James hadn't stepped between the two.
"I'm flattered, really I am, that you think so highly of me, but I'll have you know that I stopped wetting the bed as soon as I was out of diapers."
Sirius and Peter chuckled as Evan's face scrunched.
"Unlike Drippy droors here, I only wet the bed when I could count my age on one hand!" Peter chirped tauntingly.
Evan was a ticking time bomb of rage, Sirius could see it on his face. It was the same face he'd made as a child when he'd lose at cards or something pissed him off.
Barty stared at Evan with a giddy smile and fire in his eyes. Sirius could've easily mistaken it for lust, had he not known Barty to be incapable of loving anyone but himself. His gaze shifted to Remus.
"Haven't you got anything to add, Loony? I'd expect you to be the first one to defend little Black like the poofter you are."
Remus shot daggers at Barty with the look he gave him. Sirius, not ready to disregard the comment, was about to speak up. Remus beat him to it.
"Sirius can fight his own battles, especially with his own kind."
Okay, ouch.
Hearing Remus say that stung in the worst places.
Wait.
He called me Sirius!
Barty, clearly not satisfied by the answer started up again,
"Well, once Mummy dearest finds out about her heir's company she'll-"
"She won't do anything because she. Won't. Find. Out."
The frigid voice of his brother interrupted. Sirius met Regulus' gaze and grinned.
James and Peter shared a confused look, apparently still under the impression that the Black brothers were mortal enemies.
"Hey, Reg."
Sirius practically ran to his brother's side. Regulus smiled only slightly and greeted him.
Barty and Evan stared uncomfortably. Regulus glared at them in response. Sirius thought it was funny how easily his brother could order his friends around.
He'd inherited the infamous Black glare, rumored to kill those who disobey. Sirius had come up with that last part; he thought it sounded cool.
"When did baby Black grow up?" Pete squeaked, eying Regulus from where he had started hiding behind James.
He wasn't wrong, Regulus had grown. His features had morphed from youthful and soft to sharp and solemn. There was also the matter of his height, which Sirius was not pleased about.
Regulus was exactly one inch taller than his older brother. It was infuriating. Sirius thought he'd grown a little too much.
"I do not know what you mean, but I will not stand here and waste time; let's go boys," Regulus replied dully, his voice flat and emotionless as ever. He turned to Sirius and spoke in a much friendlier voice, which isn't saying much for Regulus but the effort was there. "I'll meet you after class, okay?"
Sirius nodded and kept grinning. He was grateful for the recent rekindling of their relationship. It was what he'd been needing for years, especially now. Regulus was his savior.
Once the fourth years had walked off, Sirius found all three of his friends gawking at him. He shrugged at them and turned to enter the greenhouse.
He'd been a bit smug- like he had proved that he was capable of taking care of his relationships. He could hear James and Peter whispering to one another behind him.
Once they'd all taken their places by their pots, the lesson began.
It was short- the instructions being that they would be harvesting fluxweed from the other side of the room.
James and Sirius partnered up, even after the multitude of reminders that this was a solo assignment.
After they'd finished and gotten the okay from the professor, the duo met with Peter. Remus stood nearby, looking uninterested in anything but his book.
"So, uh- you and Regulus close again?" James coughed out, awkwardly trying to bring focus back onto the prior interaction.
Sirius nodded and hummed, wanting to seem nonchalant for the sake of his ego. Getting overly excited about it in front of the guys seemed unnecessary.
"That's brilliant, Padfoot! We're happy for you." Peter smiled and nodded in approval. Sirius grinned and nodded back.
Remus huffed and lifted his head to look at the three of them. He, rather cruelly, eyes Sirius up and down before rolling his eyes and returning to the book.
James quickly thought up some excuse to get him and Peter away from them for a moment, though Sirius suspected they would still be watching.
"Regulus is more of an idiot than I thought," Remus grumbled when their friends were out of earshot. Sirius started in response yet again. He didn't know what to say to that.
Remus held his gaze for just a hot moment before turning, the pain in his eyes clear.
"I hate you, I hope you know that. You're so loud and annoying and horribly witty. It's honestly too infuriating to even look at you." Remus continued, not looking Sirius in the eyes.
"All true." He whispered, trying to keep his voice from cracking.
"You're inconsiderate,"
"I know."
"and deceitful,"
"I know."
"horrid,"
"True."
"and incompetent, but most of all,"
Sirius braced himself.
"You're everything."
Oh. Sirius wasn't sure how to react. What did that even mean?
By this point, he was sat up on the table next to the harvested fluxweed. Remus met his eyes again; it took him a while to find his voice.
"What do you mean?"
Remus sighed, blinking slowly. His typically soft brown eyes looked pained. Sirius knew that was his fault.
"You're just everything. Nobody knows how to stay away from you, not James or Pete or Regulus or even Crouch and Rosier. It's sickening. You're sickening." Remus' voice was sharp, with no hints of his former gentleness to be found.
Sirius didn't break eye contact. He didn't even blink. Remus looked determined to win this staring contest. He was glowering mercilessly.
"I'm sorry, Remus. So, so sorry." Sirius whispered, his voice breaking.
"I want to hurt you so badly. You deserve it," Remus paused as if he wanted to say more, but abandoned his thought process.
"Do it, by all means. Hit me- Merlin please hit me, please." Sirius' voice rose to speaking volume as he felt himself getting more and more worked up.
Remus' face shifted from angry to pitiful to furious in the span of three seconds. He finally broke his gaze and parted with four cruel words,
"You're not worth it."
Well, at least we spoke.
Sirius was fucked.
.
.
By the time they'd made their way to charms, Sirius had firmly believed that nothing could make him feel shittier.
It turned out that his fever had not gone away. It wasn't as bad as it had been but Sirius was still in pain.
He was holding out for Regulus, not wanting to miss their visit later.
He took his seat next to Peter, waiting for a certain dark-skinned girl to arrive.
Mary Macdonald was basically his sister. They knew everything about each other. All the embarrassing habits or childhood memories. She was the only person who had known about the deep scars along his back. She was the only one besides Regulus who had seen him break down uncontrollably. She was the only one who had known his deepest, darkest secret.
"Sirius Orion Black, there you are!" Mary's voice boomed from across the room. She had a dreadful expression on her face.
"What'd I do this time?" Sirius croaked in response. Her chocolate eyes were fiery and ready to slice him in two.
Once she had taken her seat next to him, Mary slumped over onto her desk.
"I can't believe you have to ask, but I didn't appreciate being left alone in Care of Magical Creatures this morning. Professor made me touch a bowtruckle!"
Sirius laughed at her dramatics before slumping next to her in the shared space. She opened her eyes to meet his and mouthed ’you okay?’. He nodded and smiled, but Mary saw right through him.
"I'll tell you later, promise." He whispered. She nodded skeptically and grabbed his hand under the table.
When the class began, Sirius was surprised to see Professor McGonagall standing alongside Flitwick.
"Good evening, students. Professor Mcgonagall and I have arranged a very special lesson for today," He stopped to motion to Mcgonagall "Take it away, Minerva."
McGonagall stepped forward and cleared her throat.
"The charm that your class will be learning today is known as the Legilimency spell."
She cast her icy gaze across the classroom, making an unimpressed noise at the lack of attention the students were showing.
"Can anyone tell me what the function of this spell is?"
Crickets.
Nobody answered, so McGonagall took matters into her own hands and called on Lily Evans for an answer.
"The legilimency charm is often used for interrogation. It is one of the most difficult spells to master and can only be used in a controlled setting. The function of the spell is to let the castors see into the mind of another person; it seeps into the darkest part of their brain and pulls out the worst possible memories." Lily chimed as though she were reading a dictionary verbatim.
That doesn't mean..?
Mary's grip on his hand tightened as they exchanged a horrified glance. They had both understood what this meant.
Someone was going to see inside his head.
Someone was going to find out about his parents and his fucked up family.
What the hell?
Several confused and angry comments were made until the class was all up with protest. Sirius was tempted to walk out them and there, but McGonagall's voice stopped him from following through.
"Silence! We are not as cruel as you are making us out to be, do not worry. We have created a list of partners based on how close you are to that other person. No, it will not be Co-ed and no, you may not switch partners."
That didn't make Sirius feel better whatsoever. If anyone in the room were to be his partner it should be Mary.
He had silently prayed that he'd be paired with Peter because he might be an easy bribe. Then he considered James but wasn't sure how willing he'd be to keep it a secret.
In the end, it was neither of them.
"If you cannot agree on who to cast the spell on, both of you will cast it and whomever's is effective shall decide," Flitwick explained before reading the list of names.
"Pettigrew and Potter,"
The sound of Flitwicks quilt scraped the parchment.
"Mulciber and Avery."
Scrape.
"Macdonald and Evans."
Scrape.
"Mckinnon and Meadows."
Scrape.
"Prewitt and Prewitt."
Scrape.
"Lupin and Black."
Fuckkkkkk.