Tan Lines on the Cruise Ship

“I’m not sick.”

“I literally found you puking in your cabin last night, Remus,” Sirius tutted.

“It’s probably… I’m probably seasick or something,” Remus explained.

Sirius stopped, contemplative. “You think?”

“Maybe.”

“Did you get seasick… when-”

“Sometimes,” Remus lied.

“That would’ve been a good thing to tell me before we had you hop on a boat to France.”

Remus shrugged and stared down at Sirius. Sirius, 167 cm, birthday on the third of November. He remembered his first reaction with Sirius well. It haunted him like the ghosts of all the men he’d once known. He still had survivor’s guilt from the war, but he hadn’t even survived his first interaction with Sirius, so no survivor’s guilt in that regard.

“I obviously can’t stay here and take care of you, even if I want to,” Sirius said.

Remus really didn’t feel like being an object of pity to Sirius. “Yeah.”

“So, um, you can just stay here for the day if you want to. Don’t worry, you aren’t the first person this has happened to. Peter actually got sick on his very first day, and the poor guy thought he’d given himself salmonella from his own cooking.” Sirius laughed and looked down at his shoes. “I’ll come back here tonight just to check up on you, okay? When do you go to bed?”

Never. “Twelve, but don’t come find me at twe-”

“It’s fine. We’re actually friends, not just coworkers, right?”

“I think so.”

Sirius finally glanced back up and without realizing it, Remus didn’t even need to see his face to remember all the places he had freckles and moles and scars that looked like stars in a sky. “Cool. Okay, so, see you.”

Sirius left Remus alone in his cabin with no expectation for him to get out of bed and wander the halls like he wanted to do. He often saw women in frilly floral dresses with their sunburnt boyfriends. They laughed and danced and kissed because they were high on life. He saw a lot of lost little kids, too, and tried to work on his interactions with them. He hated the idea of adopting the same habits his father did when it came to communicating with children. He also saw elderly women and elderly men with their hands intertwined. It was just like seeing all of the high-on-life folks at the club connect with each other. Remus knew he’d never adopt those habits, like being comfortable enough with somebody to laugh or dance or kiss, or hold their hand, because it seemed so far away.

He didn’t have any hobbies to distract himself so he opened his phone and scrolled through Netflix to find something that would work. His My List section on the app consisted of the endless stream of movies James had recommended he watch. The latest one was Taxi Driver. He curled onto his side and held the screen by his face. His skin illuminated with colours of green and red that depicted traffic lights on the screen.

He hadn’t expected James to be interested in depressing shit like this film, which was just starting to get to Remus. Any movie whose main lead describes himself as God’s lonely man is instantly depressing. And to Remus, what was even more depressing was that this man - God’s lonely man - reminded him all too well of himself. Travis was war-ridden and needed night work. And Remus felt incredibly seen by that. The movie recommendation almost felt targeted. Is this how people saw him? Ex-Marine with crippling day drinking issues to help him fall asleep, and a job he fell into the grooves of at night? He supposed it was true, and just to confirm it, he fell into a quiet solitude of slumber for the next eleven hours of day like he was used to.

Knocks thudded softly on his door. He stretched and sat up with sheets swirled around him like white snakes curled comfortably around his torso. He called out to the voice, knowing it was Sirius, and didn’t feel much like getting out of his bed anyway. Maybe he was truly sick.

“Hey,” Sirius greeted, taking a few steps into the room.

Remus suspected he looked like death with sheets marked all over his face and his curls pointing in every direction. He ruffled them up with one hand and kept himself propped up with the other planted beside him. “Hi.”

Sirius took a few more steps until he was sitting at the edge of the bed. “Did I just wake you up?”

“No, you’re good.”

“Oh.”

Remus sighed through his nose and shifted his weight. “You’re quiet.”

“Yeah, I’ve just had a shit day. That’s all,” Sirius assured. “It’s not you or anything.”

“I’d hope not, because I did offer to work today,” Remus replied.

Sirius leaned over to punch his arm. “That’s nonsensical. But tomorrow maybe you can work. Are you up for it?”

Remus nodded his head. “You’re a strange boss.”

“Why?”

“Most bosses would want their employees to come in as much as possible, no?”

“Depends who your boss is, I guess. And where you work. You’re lucky because you landed with an absolute gem of a boss like me, and I can forgive seasickness.” He tossed his hair onto one side and Remus could just make out a thin, pale scar inching up to his right earlobe. He spoke from experience when he told himself not to ask about it. Plus it would be a pretty weird way to keep the conversation afloat. His eyes traced the length of it again.

“You’re right,” Remus said.

Sirius hugged his knees up to his chest and Remus very much felt like he and Sirius were having a sleepover with that position displayed before him. Like the two of them were about to share secrets over popcorn and Gossip Girl reruns. Sirius probably has watched Gossip Girl before.

“Do you, uh, wanna talk about your shit day?”

Sirius stiffened. “It’s boring, just family stuff. We can talk about other stuff, though.”

“You aren’t going to sleep soon?”

“Regulus promised me he’d take care of the brunt of business tomorrow, I think I’ll be fine if I don’t clock in my usual sleep hours. Unless you want me to go, which I’ll do.”

“No, stay, just thought I’d ask,” Remus clarified. “Random question, but does James ever recommend movies to you?”

“Yeah, all the time.”

“What kinds?” Remus inquired.

“Like, ones about people with shopping addictions. I have this theory that he recommends me movies of people I’ll be able to see myself in. It’s like he thinks it’ll be therapeutic in a way.”

Remus’ eyebrows shot up. “No way, really? He does the exact same thing to me.”

“He’s been into all of this self-help stuff recently. Like healing your inner child and all that. I wonder if he gets it from his mum.”

Remus shook his head. “No, he gets it from mine.”

“What?”

“Him and my mum, I swear they’re better friends than me and him.”

Sirius burst into laughter that Remus was happy knowing only he was able to hear, and no one else. It was confined in the four walls of his cabin.

“Do they hang out?” he asked when he finally caught his breath.

“Oh yeah, loads of times. It’s either they’re best friends or they’re having an affair.”

Sirius collapsed over on the bed in laughter, black hair spilling onto Remus’ lap a little bit. Sirius sat there laughing, with his beach-sand skin just inches from Remus’. And if Remus was nervous around the ocean, no wonder he was nervous around Sirius with his beach-sand skin and his eyes of ocean blue.

“That’s fucked up.”

“Just be glad it isn’t your mum.”

“Oh, trust me. My mum would never, ever be caught doing something so scandalous.”

“I thought she was a bitch?”

“She is, she’ll just never get caught doing any of her nastiness. She’s sneaky in that way, I guess. Which means I’m sneaky too. I have to be.”

“What are you sneaky about?”

Sirius swiped his tongue over his top teeth and paused the motion for a second. Contemplation overtook his features before he dissolved into confession. “Well, a lot of things. Like… like if she and my father were still in charge of the ship, and that big director came to them and told them about what happened with you and Barty, you would have been kicked off the ship immediately. Probably into the water, too. So I have to lie about things like that to keep them happy.”

“Oh. Or else what? If they aren’t in charge anymore, does it really matter?”

“It does matter. If I ever fucked up in some unforgivable way, but let’s be honest because fucking up at all would be bad too, I’d lose control of the ship entirely.”

“They’d take it back even if they’re retired?”

“No, it’d go to Regulus.”

“I thought the Black Sea was fully yours though?”

“I wish. No, when they retired they gave me partial ownership. So they could still take it out of my name, if they wanted. At this point I think they’re just looking for a reason to.”

Remus understood. They probably favoured Regulus. But with children so young, it would only make sense to bestow the family business onto the shoulders of the older child, which, now that he thought about it, sounded so immoral to do to a 20-year-old.

“Damn, I didn’t know.”

“Yeah. But neither do a lot of the employees here, so could you please not tell anybody? I feel like… well, I’m just scared that people will respect me less if they find out that I don’t have the highest position. I swear I’m not a snob, that’s just how it is.”

Remus swore to secrecy and then Sirius was off with yawns tumbling out of his mouth. His craving to know more about Sirius had been satisfied at least for now. He curled onto his other side and fell into more sleep…

Nope. Remus startled awake with sweat lining his upper lip. The sweat slipped down his chin once he opened his mouth to gasp for air. Panting. Panting like a dog.

He sat in his sticky sheets and struggled to kick them off. Exhaustion overtook frustration and he stopped fighting. Traumatizing thoughts circled his mind like a vulture with its susceptible prey, and Remus let himself fall into this trap again.

Somebody knocked on his door.

He snatched his phone from the nightstand, reading 2:56 in the morning. 2:56, and just who wanted entry?

Instead of uselessly kicking the sheets off, he threw them off with force and headed to the door. It was too late to turn back and change once he’d remembered what he was wearing: a white tank top and boxers. Jesus. He cracked the door open. It was just wide enough that he could make out one blue eye that looked up through its thick black lashes.

“Uh, hi. What’s up?” Remus asked.

He opened the door enough to make out Sirius’ two blue eyes.

“That’s all you have to say?” Sirius asked.

“Um… what?”

“You were just shouting!”

Remus’ skin was on pure fire. “Was I?”

“I feel like you’re playing a trick on me,” Sirius said.

“I swear to you I’m not. I must’ve been asleep, I just woke up.”

Sirius gasped once the words fell into perfect place. Shouting whilst asleep. It was a nightmare.

“Do you get nightmares about…?”

“About being a Marine? Yeah. All the time,” Remus sighed. “Sorry. Maybe we should soundproof my room.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sirius asked hesitantly.

“Not really, but thanks.”

“Okay.”

Remus caught the split second that Sirius’ eyes had snapped from his face to his boxers and back again. Now his skin wasn’t on fire, it was fire.

“Goodnight, then. If you ever want to talk about it, or wake up after one of your nightmares, my door is always open, okay?”

Remus smiled. He watched as the captain turned and walked away.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, Remus thought. That was so embarrassing.

He took a seat on the cool hardwood of his room, running his fingertips up and down its surface to calm his spiked nerves. And he hadn’t spent even five minutes on the floor before another knock sounded from behind his door. He didn’t bother getting up and instead called out to who he knew was most likely Sirius.

“Remus, Remus, please come to my room. You have to kill a spider.”

Remus surprised himself when he found he was able to laugh around Sirius. But his body did it without asking, without warning.

“It’s not funny, I’m fucking terrified of spiders. Please, Remus.”

Remus dragged himself off of the floor and followed a ruffled Sirius to his cabin.

The cabin was absolutely gorgeous. Just like on the outside of the boat, it had gold everywhere: Sirius’ chandelier, his cabinet handles, his glass of vodka which was perched on the bedside table. Remus smiled at the memory of Sirius and his vodka. He still had a vodka stain on the shirt Sirius wrecked because he had a lack of motivation in almost every aspect of his life, and couldn’t be bothered to rub it out.

“Holy shit your cabin’s nice,” Remus marvelled.

Sirius grabbed his wrist and dragged him over to the vicinity of the spider.

“So where is it?”

Sirius released Remus’ skin and pointed to a cup of whiskey flipped upside down on his dresser with a spider trapped inside. The cup, like many other parts of the room, was so pretty and sparkling. It looked like an ice sculpture with its intricate glass designs.

“Do you drink whiskey?” Remus asked, surprised.

“I do, sometimes. Do you?”

“Yeah.”

“My parents have a disgustingly unhealthy collection of it, but it’s really good shit. You can try some once we get back, if you want.”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

Sirius smiled at Remus but as soon as his attention hit the spider he grimaced, grossed out.

“Have anything I can kill it with?” Remus asked.

Sirius went rummaging through one of his dresser drawers. He took out a dark blue high heel and handed it to Remus. Remus didn’t react to the heel so as not to offend Sirius. He went and killed the spider and accepted the tissue that Sirius gave him to dispose of the guts.

“Thank you,” Sirius smiled.

“You’re welcome,” Remus replied. “Knock on my door in the middle of the night anytime you need me to kill a spider for you.”

He was half-joking.

“What if I just want to hang out, or talk?” Sirius questioned.

He was dead-serious.

Fuck, Remus thought. He must’ve been drinking. He’s only ever this overly-confident when he’s drinking. At least to my knowledge.

“Sure.”

⊹₊ ⋆

These nightly visits occurred more and more between Remus and his now-friend. It felt good knowing that in the middle of the ocean he had a soul to confide in. And Sirius was a soul to be reckoned with. What had once appeared as shallow and spoiled on the surface since appeared as layered and conflicted. Because yes, Sirius had issues just like everybody else. It might have been his put-togetherness that had initially tricked Remus into thinking Sirius didn’t face these issues, but he understood otherwise now.

Remus reflected on the night prior he’d spent with Sirius. It had gotten to be so late at night that the two of them fell asleep in Remus’ bed, with Remus in his usual spot and room for Sirius curled at the foot of it. Sirius’ alarm urged the two of them awake at 4:30 in the morning. Remus groaned.

“Sorry,” Sirius said, getting up.

“It’s fine.”

“And sorry for falling asleep in your cabin…”

“Also fine.”

Sirius headed towards the door quickly, looking frazzled. When disappointment stabbed Remus in the gut he had to question it. What did he expect - for Sirius to call Peter and his guys over to deliver breakfast in bed?

On the other hand, he did feel a little lighter. No nightmares. Not even a regular nightmare, let alone a war one. It felt fantastic to wake up in dry sheets with a headspace as clear as the blue-skied forecast for the day. Remus took his time getting ready. He was going to enjoy today.

At the breakfast buffet, Sirius wasn’t there. Nor was he in his office or seemingly any other part of the ship.

I’ll find him later, he thought.

Mary came and found him in the afternoon. She needed extra eyes for a crafts event that was taking place for kids. It definitely wasn’t Remus’ area of expertise but he went along with her nonetheless.

There were at least twenty tables filled with kids who’d been abandoned by their parents off to the liquor-tasting banquet all the way on the top floor of the ship. One of the kids at these tables was none other than little miss Nymphadora. She waved to Remus when she caught his eye and, warm-hearted, he waved back.

“You're a damn liar for telling me you aren’t good with kids,” Mary said.

“I’m really not. Guess she just likes me.”

“Don’t you have siblings you looked after or something? Or experience babysitting? That’s like, everybody’s first job.”

Remus shook his head. “Don’t have siblings and that wasn’t my first job.”

“You’re a fucking mystery,” she sighed. “I don’t think I could name even three things about you.”

“Watch what you say around these kids. Y’know, swearing and stuff,” Remus muttered.

“Right.” She pursed her lips. “But tell me something about you.”

“Hm?”

“Anything. Tell me something about you.”

“Uh… I’m allergic to cats. That help?”

“It’s a start,” she said through a laugh. “Sorry. I feel like I always talk way too much and never let the other person get in even a word.”

Remus looked at her softly and shook his head. “No, not at all. If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty quiet by nature. So I don’t mind.”

Mary’s face illuminated. “There’s another thing about you! Quiet by nature. I’ll add it to my list.”

“Oh, there’s a list?”

“Now there is.”

Remus smiled a little.

The last few hours were brutal with sticky cleanup. Glitter residue remained in his hair and on his work clothes. His earlier plans of going to see Sirius would have to be delayed. He needed about ten showers before he felt he’d be able to present himself in front of that boy.

And so he got in the shower and let scalding hot water burn into his flesh like acid rain. And when he got out, there were still bits of glitter near the corners of his eyes but the worst of the damage had been washed away. He dressed into clean clothes and headed for Sirius’ cabin.

Three knocks for good luck. Sirius popped his head out and regarded Remus with a smile.

“I see you’ve taken my makeup advice,” Sirius remarked.

“You think I need makeup?”

Sirius shook his head immediately. “For your scars, Remus. Remember?”

“Not really. I’m not wearing makeup, anyway.”

“Then what’s this?” Sirius asked, pointing to Remus’ eyes.

“It’s craft glitter from that kids activity this afternoon,” he explained.

A soft, “oh” escaped Sirius’ lips. And when neither of them said anything after a few beats, he jumped in again. He was good to Remus like that: never letting him fall into uncomfortable silence.

“So what’s up?”

“Can we talk for a second?”

“Sure. Come in.”

Remus stepped inside and prepared mental cue cards of what it was he wanted to say confidently, but would most likely end up saying like the fool he always portrayed himself as.

“This is gonna sound really dumb,” Remus started. “But I just had a thought.”

“Having thoughts isn’t dumb,” Sirius answered.

“No, I mean what I’m about to say is going to sound dumb.”

“Oh, okay. Continue.”

“Last night - you know how you accidentally fell asleep in my cabin? How we kind of fell asleep at the same time.”

Sirius nodded hesitantly. He looked a little uncomfortable if Remus was being honest to himself, which made him want to stop and walk out. Power through, he told himself.

“Well, I didn’t get any nightmares last night. And that hasn’t happened to me since I was seventeen.”

Sirius’ styled eyebrows raised in surprise. “That long?”

“Yeah. I haven’t slept with anybody else up until last night, and my thinking was that… having somebody else sleep with me might make the nightmares go away. It’s comforting,” Remus admitted, cringing at the words as they came out of his mouth.

Sirius stood there silently for a few moments, looking torn. His eyes held a certain pleading to comfort Remus with any opportunity. But they also held hesitancy. And that terrified Remus.

“Obviously I’m happy you didn’t get any nightmares last night. That’s a big step,” Sirius began. He smiled and placed a hand onto Remus’ bicep for a second. “And I’m not going to stand here and lie to you. I’d like to have slumber parties just as much as you.”

His tone was slightly teasing with the term slumber parties.

“But like… you have to understand how much shit I’d get in if anybody ever saw us in the same bed at night. It would be so much shit. An ungodly amount of shit.”

Remus would have liked to say that the laugh he let out was loose and relaxed, but it was taut as ever. He was as tightly-screwed as a wind up toy.

“I know it sounds bad,” Remus admitted.

“It’s not bad, not at all. I don’t know what you went through in Syria, but to have one night where you weren’t reminded of it must have felt so freeing.”

“Yeah.”

“Let me think about it, okay? Is that okay?”

Remus nodded. He felt an immense weight remove itself from his shoulders which were already weak with other burdens. One less to carry was a success in his eyes.

Sirius hadn’t said no, and that was a success in his eyes too.