Tan Lines on the Cruise Ship

Remus never thought of himself as handsome. Sure, he was tall, which to many people translated as attractive. But besides that… with scars slung across his body like satchels, a huge nose and eyes that didn’t know what colour they wanted to be, he placed himself pretty low on a scale of ten.

That all changed whenever he wore a uniform, though. Perhaps the only good thing to come out of the war for him was the realization that the designated trousers and button-ups emphasized all of the things he liked about himself, like his height and his build. He straightened his posture in a uniform. Felt less of a need to fidget. Stood as tall as he could, which was a whopping 6’4” in frame.

He stared at himself in his full-length mirror which he’d avoided using until now. Every school picture, childhood image or passport photo he’d ever taken cruised right through and right out of his mind as he regarded the man in front of him. The man whose confidence glowed so brightly it could fuel a lightbulb. Even if Sirius were to reject the proposal Remus had made an hour ago, he figured he’d come out okay and unscathed in his shield of protective armour. And before he took off his armour, he had to make one quick pit stop for the night. His insomnia wouldn’t mind anyway.

Under normal circumstances, Remus wouldn’t be doing this. But ever since that one peaceful night he knew he simply couldn’t go back to all the nights before. The memory, the agony, and then the quiet numbness of contemplating life as he knew it. What would it mean if said life just stopped, and would it be such a bad thing?

With thoughts that dark he knew his path to the kitchens was justified. Even if he didn’t know the ship that well, scents of peanut butter and chocolate intermixed and guided him to the double doors. The lights inside were off save for one glowing in the distance. Remus headed towards it like a moth guided to light, and by it he found a head of wispy blond hair the colour of buttercream. It was a cute feature for a baker.

“Kitchens are for staff only,” Peter said, glancing up at Remus.

“Do I count as staff?”

Peter sighed through his nostrils. “Sit.”

Remus did as he was told. He watched Peter remove another plate of truffles from the fridge and slide it towards him. Remus was grateful. He tried one, and then truly showed his appreciation by eating three more.

“These are good,” he complimented, voice thick from the chocolate stuck to the roof of his mouth.

Peter nodded and ate another one as well. “Couldn’t sleep?”

“I can never sleep.”

“You’re Sirius’ friend.”

“Yeah.”

“What’s your name?”

“Remus.”

“Well Remus, don’t make these nightly visits to the kitchen a regular thing. I’ve only got so much frozen food to feed the nightcrawlers,” Peter warned.

Remus promptly snatched another. “I won’t.”

Peter stuck the plate of truffles back into the freezer and fixed Remus with a gaze ever-intense. “How do you feel being in France? I think we’ll be in Spain by tomorrow, so better cherish your last night here.”

Just then Remus realized he’d been so preoccupied with Sirius and his night terrors that he’d barely spared glances into the night and day of a new country. Actually, three new countries. And the first one was passing him right by. He straightened up his back even more, as if he’d just sobered up, and finished his truffle in one quick bite. “I haven’t paid it much attention.”

Peter raised his eyebrows, impressed. “Really?”

“Guess not, no.”

“Come on, you’ve gotta go up there while you can. Enjoy France before it sails away,” Peter instructed.

Remus took long strides out of the kitchen to get to the nearest balcony. The last time he’d been so close to one, he’d thrown up over it, so of course he hadn’t appreciated the scenery. But how about all the other times? Had it been too painful to look out onto the sea in a leisurely way?

Now it didn’t matter, because he was looking. He was looking with eyes wide that swallowed everything he could see: buildings sandwiched together, lights blinking and glowing and illuminating the city they were passing through. Maybe they were already in Spain, and maybe they were still in France, but to Remus it didn’t matter. Wherever he was had all the magic of a movie scene. When he dipped his head upward he saw the big dipper and a bunch of tiny stars around it. And off in the distance was either a plane or a very bright star; a big one. He didn’t have to think twice to remember the name of the biggest star in the sky.

A few minutes rolled into an hour and a half and when the sun started stretching its golden limbs into a new morning Remus knew he’d been out too late. He retreated to his cabin and spent the rest of the night napping with newfound peace that softened the blow of tonight’s nightmares.

He had two days left on the ship as of this new morning when he woke up under Spain’s sun.

On his dresser was a plate of something that reminded him of the night prior: peanut butter and chocolate truffles. No note, no nothing, just a plate of seven truffles which were still a little chilly when he felt them in his hands. It was probably Peter’s doing (Remus assumed he operated a very high-security kitchen in which nobody could get their hands on the food inside). If that was the case, Remus would be forever indebted to the hands who crafted these delicacies.

Knocks at the door felt normal now. Remus heard four and used his free hand to open the door from where he was standing. He licked the last bit of chocolate from his lips and locked eyes with Sirius.

“Hi,” Sirius said, taking a few steps in and shutting the door.

“If you don’t want to look suspicious then you might want to avoid shutting my door the moment you come in…” Remus joked.

“About that. I spent the night thinking over your idea,” Sirius started. “Again, not a bad idea. But I want to add to it.”

Remus nodded, setting a truffle down on the plate because it made him feel more serious somehow.

“So. I know I explained how I’d be in a lot of trouble if anybody ever saw us sleeping in the same bed. That’s the main issue,” he began. “That’s why we can’t do it on the ship.”

“Oh. Right.”

“Wait, though. We can do it back at home. On the ship it would be too unprofessional, but back in Bristol, whenever we aren’t working, we can have sleepovers all the time. Actually, I was talking to James about it. You know how James and I share an apartment, right?”

“Yeah.”

“We both agree that you’d make a good third roommate. Remus, we could sleep together all the time when we aren’t working. Isn’t it genius?”

“You want to live with me all the time? Like while we’re working and while we aren’t?”

“Sure, why not? You need to be around people. Being lonely is making you… well it’s probably not good for you, anyway. We don’t have to tell James if you don’t want to. Anything you want.”

Remus felt touched that Sirius had been thinking so deeply into the plan. He was keeping track of what Remus needed, making sure he felt comfortable, even offering to live full-time with Remus to keep his pretty, watchful eyes on him. Remus felt absolutely smothered in the best way he could imagine. It wasn’t the same sort of smothering that his mother did. It was a sweet, safe, dare-he-say loving sort of smothering?

“You’re sure?” Remus confirmed, already starting to feel as giddy as Sirius clearly was.

“Yes, yes, of course I’m sure. I’ve only been concocting this plan for the past few hours.”

“Damn. That’s really kind of you,” Remus said, but the words felt all wrong as they rolled off his tongue. Since when did he give out merciless praise like it were Halloween candy?

“Don’t even start with that, it’s what any good person would do. And I’m nothing if not a good person.” Sirius looked at the almost-empty plate of truffles and back at Remus knowingly. “Did you sneak these up to your room?”

“No. Just found them on my dresser when I woke up.”

“Definitely Peter’s work, then. I told you that you’d love him the most.”

Remus only shook his head as if to deny. He watched Sirius grab a truffle and leave. The boy was positively brimming with energy and heart and it was all Remus could do not to let himself jump for joy at the idea of nightmare-less sleepovers at James and Sirius’ apartment.

⊹₊ ⋆

The next two days Remus spent basking in the respective suns of foreign countries. It took forever for the nights to pass by because he knew he’d get his usual nightmares. Two more days, he told himself. The plane back to Bristol could be spent with Sirius, too, if he convinced his boss to sit beside him. Something told him that Sirius would be more than happy to pick Remus as a seat partner over Regulus.

On his last two days, Remus wanted to have his final interactions with everybody. His closure. He prioritized Dora, who told him she wouldn’t be attending the next cruise despite her family’s discount. She had spilled many family secrets to Remus throughout the week. Surprisingly enough, Dora took a liking to Remus. She made it her mission to see that he was never wandering the ship alone and followed him around like a mini shadow.

Before he could even think of looking for her, she popped right by his side.

“Hi, Remus,” she greeted.

“Oh, Dora, hi.”

“Can you hide me?”

“Hide you? Why?”

“Sirius caught me jumping on a bench in my sandals! I got a bunch of sand everywhere,” she exclaimed. “Hide me!”

Remus looked around for a spot to help her hide. Heels clicked closer and closer, announcing Sirius’ presence. Nymphadora squealed and crouched down at the heels of Remus’ feet, using him as a shield to protect from her mom’s cousin.

“Nymphadora!”

Remus whipped his head around to face Sirius. He stood awkwardly in the middle of the hallway (doing a horrible job of hiding a giggly Dora).

“Hi, Sirius,” Remus said too-casually.

“Have you seen a little girl? About seven, I think,” Sirius asked.

“No. There’s a lot of kids on this ship, if you haven’t noti-”

“I’m eight!” Dora said, jumping from behind Remus’ feet with her sandals that slapped against the ship’s floor.

“Stop stomping!” Sirius replied. He turned his attention onto Remus and gave a look of sheer bewilderment. “Were you hiding her?”

“No,” Remus lied. “She just… happened to be hiding behind me, I guess. I didn’t even see her.”

“You’re a horrible liar.”

“Me and Remus are friends,” Dora cut in.

Sirius stood there, mouth agape, looking between the two of them. He finally found his voice and leaned down low to face Nymphadora. “Please, please go back to your mom. I’m not going to babysit you again.”

She rolled her eyes and ran away, waving a little grumpily to Remus but the action was still appreciated by him. Sirius focused back onto Remus, who shrank in front of his gaze. He felt as if he was about to be scolded just like Nymphadora for some odd reason. But the scolding never came. In its place? A look of awe from Sirius.

“Thank you,” Sirius said.

“Why?”

“She has some troubles making friends. That’s what Andromeda tells me. Thanks for keeping her company, it makes her less of a troublemaker. I’ve barely had to clean up after her this entire trip.”

Remus shrugged like it was nothing, but felt heroic like it was everything. “I needed friends on this ship, too, so it just worked out I guess.”

“Please. You’re not in short supply of friends at all. Mary loves you, Barty might be in love with you, and now you’re friends with my family members. And we’re friends,” Sirius argued.

“True.”

⊹₊ ⋆

Just like Sirius had suggested, Mary and Barty were the ones Remus had spoken to the most on this ship if you didn’t count Dora. Before he left he made sure he’d said his proper goodbyes to them too, even if he knew he’d at least be seeing Mary in a couple weeks’ time for the next cruise. Barty’s future-appearance had come as more of a surprise though; a very rude one. Barty was supposedly attending every cruise until the end of the year because he was simply so popular. And if Sirius’ hypothesis was right, Remus would need to watch out in his presence.

Who knew what other kinds of tattoos he’d try to show Remus.

For now, Remus was packing up the last of his things from the France-Spain-Portugal cruise. It had been a week of three hot suns and craziness all around, but it felt good. Maybe the ocean wasn’t exactly therapeutic per se, but it was helping Remus overcome some of his worst fears. Actually - that did sound quite therapeutic as he contemplated it.

The Black Sea was stripped of all its guests, and everybody that remained were the staff and employees (and, of course, Sirius, who went and found Remus at his door).

“You all packed up?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah. Hey listen, I wasn’t going to ask you to do this but it’s sort of a pain to carry my trunks on the bus. Could you-”

“Of course you’re getting a ride to the airport with me, dummy. I wouldn’t let you run the risk of missing your flight on the sweaty city bus. Hell no,” Sirius cut in.

Remus only laughed. Who knew that a week could make laughing in front of Sirius feel so natural. And there were many more weeks to come with Sirius, or so he hoped. This trio apartment idea really was genius. Remus expected no less from the captain of a cruise ship. There was no denying that Sirius was smart and capable of anything.

The two of them made their way off of the ship, walking a small distance to the port which had Sirius’ car parked nearby. Remus stuffed his and Sirius’ things into the trunk and slipped into the passenger seat which was still adjusted to the setting he liked it to be at for his height.

As if a constant reminder of everybody Remus wanted to forget, a Hundred Hells song began blaring in Sirius’ car speakers. The station that had picked them was a little garage-rock station that catered towards lesser-known bands of the area. Sirius immediately went to turn the volume down and cursed under his breath.

“Those fucking devils,” he muttered.

“The name is pretty fitting,” Remus joked.

He played around with his window, pushing the button on his door so that it slid up and down and let varying amounts of breeze blow through his unkempt hair. He reached a happy medium of breeze-level and glanced towards Sirius quick to see if the fidgeting had bothered him.

Nope. Sirius had his eyes on the road like a good driver would.

And as he continued to eye Sirius, he noticed something red on his own seat. It was a small spot of scarlet red… blood? Remus tried to wipe it away but it wouldn’t budge. It was settled into the expensive leather all snug and Remus remembered what must have caused it: his bloody arm. His bloody arm on that last night at the club, where Sirius had ushered him away in his car and Remus had been so careful not to get blood anywhere near the interior.

“Fuck. I think I bled onto your seat,” Remus admitted.

Sirius’ concern was clear in his voice. “What? You’re bleeding? Again?”

“No, no, but that night. About a month ago, when you drove me to the hospital, remember? I tried not to get blood on your seat, but I think I did. Unless you recently had someone else who was also bleeding in the passenger seat.”

Sirius tutted. “Stop apologizing for dumb things. Nothing you do could ever make me mad.”

“What? Why?”

“Because I don’t believe you’d do something like that with ill-intent.”

“But we’ve only known each other for a month.”

“True. But when someone shows you who they are, believe them,” Sirius replied, quoting Maya Angelou.

“What does that mean?”

“It means, when you befriended Dora, and when you kept offering to take the city bus instead of getting in my car, and when you came and killed the spider in my cabin, I could piece together the sort of person you are. Make sense?” Sirius asked, sparing a quick look at Remus to see if he caught any of that.

“Then what sort of person am I?”

“A good person. A kind, helpful, good person.”

⊹₊ ⋆

Remus and Sirius finally navigated onto the plane. They spent the trip watching more of James’ famous recommended movies on each of their lists until they had landed back home, back in Bristol. Real ground beneath Remus’ feet felt so good again. It looked silly but Sirius and Remus delighted in ten minutes of non-stop walking with their feet planted directly to the ground.

More driving and chatting and watching movies while Sirius listened to them like a podcast rolled right by until they had reached their home. Their real one - the apartment. James’ and Sirius’ and Remus’ new apartment. And Remus hadn’t noticed it before, but living with James would have its benefits too. He wouldn’t have to fight tooth and nail for his relationship with James to keep afloat. In fact, he’d probably be fighting tooth and nail just to spend a moment away from James. Sirius wouldn’t pose the same problem. Even after an entire week practically chained to his boss’ side it seemed he only craved more of that.

James had already unlocked and opened the door for the two of them. He caught them in a tight hug before they could slip through the doorway.

“It was so lonely without anybody here at all!” James exclaimed. He probably wasn’t aware of how tightly he was with his embracing.

“Well we’re back for at least a little while! I mean, I’m back, but Remus is here now too. Just like we discussed,” Sirius explained.

“Right. Oh, but Remus, you are okay with the fact that this is only a two-bedroom, right? We could have you camp out on the couch for the time being while we make arrangements, or um…”

“It’s okay, Jamie, I already assured Remus he could sleep in my room from now on. There’s enough space for him. Right Remus?” Sirius questioned. He had his back to James so he could mouth whatever he wanted to Remus. It was a little scheme of his that he obviously took a lot of pleasure in: having a secret for just the two of them. Sirius and Remus.

Sirius raised his eyebrows to get Remus to go along with it.

“Yeah. ‘M not picky.”

James smiled and shrugged. “Sure, okay. Whatever you two are comfortable with. I’m gonna make some food, you want anything in particular?”

“ ‘M not picky,” Remus repeated.

“Okay. I’ll be here if you change your mind,” James said, turning on the oven with a few beeps.

Remus and Sirius headed for their new room and Sirius collapsed onto his king-sized bed. It would be perfect for the two of them, Remus knew.

“James can be nosy when you live with him. We’re gonna have to be careful about this whole… bed situation,” Sirius explained.

“I’m not worried.”

The corners of Sirius’ lips turned upwards. “Good. Then neither am I.”

⊹₊ ⋆