"Reg, wait, would you just listen to me?" James pleaded to his boyfriend's back, following him into the house they had bought together. "Lily was just trying to-"
"I don't care what she was trying to do! Why were you with her in the first place?" Regulus interrupted harshly, stalking further into the house and throwing his coat on the couch carelessly, the tense line of his shoulders evident through his shirt.
"She just-" James fumbled for the words, "I was having a bad day and she offered to go out for drinks. Reg, I swear, we just talked."
What James didn't say was that he'd been having a string of bad days, more like a bad month, but he wasn't ready to admit that. For all James played as mediator and therapist friend, he wasn't very good at talking about himself or his emotions. It terrified him, actually, he was used to being seen as a steady presence of joy, and when he lost that joy? Well, James couldn't let his friends down like that, they needed him. They needed his advice, his shoulder to cry on, and to mediate when arguments got too heated.
"You just needed to talk to your ex-girlfriend about it? Couldn't talk to Sirius? Remus? Or, I don't know, your boyfriend? Or, maybe you've forgotten you had one of those since you've been so keen on dodging me lately," Regulus spat over his shoulder, stubbornly refusing to face James still.
Lily and James dated for a short time in school, back when James was still convinced she was the only one for him. It hadn't worked out, they were only teenagers chasing the idea of each other, trying to be the perfect couple everyone expected they'd be. But relationships can't be built on idealistic dreams, so it was an amicable split, though they both grieved it for a bit. They'd stayed friends years later, and even worked together now, both teachers at the local elementary school.
"I didn't intend for it to happen, she knew something was up and wouldn't leave me alone until I talked to her, that's all it was! A friend helping a friend," James knew how it sounded, how it looked, but he didn't know how else to explain without spilling his guts completely. It was a moment of weakness, a moment he never intended for anyone to witness.
Lily was smart as a whip, intense, and annoyingly perceptive, which was rather unfortunate for him. Normally, James was great at dodging the few people who seemed to pick up on the change in his persona lately, deflecting with a wider grin and distracting with stories and playful jokes. Normally, they believed him, or at least, left him alone about it, assuming it was nothing. Lily knew better. She cornered him after work that day, insisting they go for a drink after the particularly grueling week they had in their respective classes. James was exhausted, which had become a daily occurrence at some time he couldn't pinpoint, but agreed to go if only to avoid Regulus for a little while longer. She needled him with questions over drinks, and James had been so full to the brim of oppressive emotions that some of them spilled out of him against his will, tongue slightly loosened from the alcohol. He brushed her off until he couldn't, until he simply broke under the unbearable pressure of it all.
Regulus whipped around to face him, silvery green eyes ablaze with fury and thinly veiled hurt, "Oh, so when it's her it's so easy to open up, is that it? But when it's me, you deflect and shut me out for days. Maybe you ought to be with her then if it's easier for you."
Regulus had looked up James' location, worried when he didn't come home from work. Seeing he was at a bar, he decided to drive over there, only to find James and Lily cuddled up in a booth, James' head on her shoulder. James had been avoiding him for weeks, and Regulus had no idea what was wrong but had never once thought James was cheating on him until that moment. His stomach dropped in a nauseating way when he saw them, it had looked like a loving embrace, two lovebirds cuddling in a dark part of the bar until James raised his head, tear tracks making their way down his face.
James huffed, "Oh, come off it, you know I'm not interested in Lily. It was a bad day, that's it,"
He wasn't being fair, but James didn't know how to deal with it, let alone talk about it. How could he explain that sometimes the person he saw in the mirror looked like a complete stranger, a weak imitation of the person everyone knew him to be? He was physically here but mentally felt as if he was watching himself from outside his body, as if somebody else had the controls, moving him mechanically through his days while his mind screamed for respite, for him to feel anything at all.
"How would I know that, James? You don't talk to me! You don't even want to see me lately, and after weeks of silence, I find you with your ex of all people!" He exploded, voice far too loud for the quiet house and the late hour.
James scrubbed a hand over his face, trying to order his thoughts, the haze of alcohol not helping him think any clearer. "I do want to see you, I've just been busy with work-" He inhaled sharply and stumbled slightly when Regulus pushed against his chest, eyes rapidly filling with tears. James' heart did a painful twist at his fragile expression, Regulus clearly fighting to keep it together.
"Stop lying to me!" Regulus' voice cracked, and he ducked his head, pressing his mouth into his shoulder to hide the way it trembled. After a moment he continued, all the heat gone from his words, only a shaky whisper now, "Why don't you trust me anymore? What did I do to make you think that you can't?"
"You-" James blew out a breath, stepping forward to reach for him, hands unsteady with the need to fix, to hold. He flinched when Regulus moved out of range of his hands, hardly able to look at him. James couldn't blame him, he could hardly look at himself these days. "You didn't do anything, Reg, I promise. It's me, I'm so- I don't know. I'm sorry,"
"Then just talk to me, I'm right here," Regulus pleaded, hands spread out as if to prove it. James shook his head automatically, Regulus had enough to worry about without adding him to the mix. Besides, Regulus needed James to be strong for him, needed his stability on days where he could barely find his footing.
Even if some days James longed for his comfort, he couldn't let himself have it, scared about how Regulus would react to the unbreakable James Potter, finally falling apart. He was held together with feeble pieces of tape at this point, splintering and cracking as the person he used to be seemed to get further away from him with each passing day.
For most of his life, James had been the most consistent thing in Sirius' life, and now Regulus', he was their rock when everything else felt like shifting sand beneath their feet. When they felt like everything had been taken from them, James proved time and time again, that nothing could take him away from them. James was determined to be exactly what they needed, whatever shape he needed to take because he loved them, because he needed them too. He was terrified that if he couldn’t be what they needed, he'd lose them forever; so despite the cracks and splinters, despite the numbness that dulled his emotions most days, he smiled convincingly, laughed too loudly, and acted as carefree as always. James was a shapeshifter, he had so many faces and took so many forms to be what his friends needed him to be that he hardly knew what was real anymore, hardly knew who he was.
"It's late, Reg, let's just-" James tried to deflect desperately, swallowing thickly when Regulus let out a hysterical laugh, covering his face with his hands.
"I can't do this with you anymore," James froze, suddenly feeling painfully sober, the jagged edges of fear sinking its claws into him. He could only watch in horror as Regulus dropped his hands, shaking his head wearily and grabbing his coat, walking out of the house without another word. James sunk to the floor where he stood, dropping his head into his hands, unable to stop the sobs that wracked his body.
~
Sirius rubbed his eyes sleepily as he unlocked the door, ready to tell off whoever had the nerve to bang on their front door at midnight when he was met with the shuddering form of his little brother. "Reg? Hey, get in here, it's freezing out," He opened the door wider, ushering him in and glancing behind him, half expecting James to walk in too.
When it was evident no one else was coming, Sirius closed the door, turning to find his brother hovering in the entryway, shoulders curled in on himself and head ducked, dark curls hiding his face. Sirius tugged on the sleeve of his coat to get him to take it off, all the while trying to make eye contact with Regulus, trying to discern if he was hurt or not. They were years beyond the times when hiding injuries was common practice, but he still found himself watching intently as his brother peeled off the coat, searching for a wince or visible bruises instinctively. But Regulus only sniffled, wiping furiously at his eyes, still refusing to look at Sirius, as if he didn't show up at his house in the middle of the night with zero explanation or warning.
As if reading his mind, Regulus mumbled, "I'm not hurt, I just needed somewhere to go,"
Sirius felt his shoulders loosen, unaware they had tightened in the first place, nodding, he grabbed Regulus' elbow leading him into the living room and settling him on the couch. He grabbed the knit blanket Hope Lupin had made as a housewarming gift and wrapped it around Regulus' shoulders, softly pushing back his unusually disheveled curls with his hand so Regulus would look up at him.
Sirius tilted his head when he saw his red-rimmed eyes, and he had to shove aside the dozens of questions he wanted to interrogate his brother with, opting for the most important one. "Are you okay?"
Regulus looked away from him, sinking further into the blanket and chewing on his cheek, trying to bite down on the sobs threatening to bubble out of his mouth. Sirius waited him out patiently, giving him time to pull himself together. After a moment, Regulus said, "James and I had a messy fight, and he's been avoiding me for weeks before that, and I just- He's not himself, and it scares me," The words began to spill out faster, more desperately, "He says it isn't anything I did but he won't talk to me, I don't even know if he wants to be with me anymore-"
"Alright, slow down, petite étoile," Sirius interrupted gently, squeezing Regulus' shoulders as he started to get worked up again. Regulus took a deep breath and Sirius squeezed his shoulders again reassuringly, "Does he know you're here?" He asked though he suspected what the answer would be. Sirius sighed when Regulus shook his head mournfully.
"Where are you going?" Regulus asked, looking like a kid again, swallowed up in a blanket with big, watery eyes.
Sirius ruffled his hair fondly, "I'll be right back, I'm just gonna wake up Moony and let him know what's going on and have him call James to let him know that you're safe. He's probably worried sick about you. Then, you and I will talk and figure it out, okay? It'll be okay," He promised and Regulus nodded tiredly, relieved to have a plan to follow, some direction to go in rather than being lost in the chaos of his thoughts as he had felt.
~
When the tears had dried out, James found himself bordering on numb again, except every time he saw pieces of Regulus around the house, a dark blue book on his bedside table, an old picture of him and Sirius, the sharp sting of his absence reared its ugly head. His thoughts were too loud, clamoring over each other for his attention, and he dragged himself into the shower in an attempt to drown it out. The hot spray of water did little to distract him, the steam filling the room only made him feel suffocated like he was being smothered in his thoughts. Regulus had never walked out on him before, they had always stayed to work out their differences or asked for space to think about things. But neither of them had ever walked out entirely, and James couldn't even be sure he only wanted space. Regulus had said he couldn't do this anymore, couldn't do it with James.
He didn't know what was wrong with him, didn't understand when his existence started hurting, when his mind started chanting I wish I didn't exist every time he failed. Sometimes, it even happened on the better days, a violent jerk in his chest, a vice grip on his heart, the thought invading his mind without warning. He didn't know when he started to hate himself for breathing, it crept up on him so slowly, the idea that he took up too much space, by the time he realized it was happening, he couldn't recall what it'd been like to not have the thought. The only time he felt okay with himself was when he was helping someone.
Now that Regulus had walked out, now that he had lost him, a wall seemed to crash down within him. See, James needed him as much as Regulus did, it just seemed like he didn't because he rarely allowed himself to break down, rarely allowed anyone in close enough to see that James was made of insecurity and false confidence. Sirius would surely hate him for breaking his little brother's heart, so he might as well have lost both of them in one night. James didn't know what to do with himself when he wasn't needed by others. As selfless as people thought he was by always offering to help, by giving his time and energy away, it was really him that needed them. Being needed was exhausting at best, but at least it made him useful and afforded him love. At least it made him feel like his existence was worth something.
Suddenly, James was gripped with anger, flames that licked up his arms and made his hands shake fiercely. He glared at his hands, hands that used to hold and soothe with gentleness, hands that used to fix, to glue people back together. His hands had smoothed ointment over Sirius' cuts, rubbed circles in Regulus' skin when he woke from nightmares, held Remus' hands when he was overcome by anxiety, and cooked dinner for Lily when she was sick. Now, all he saw were hands that only knew how to hurt, that pushed away Sirius' attempts to make him talk and put that heartbroken look on Regulus' face.
James punched the hard tile of the shower wall, seeking respite from the flicker of faces that invaded his brain unbidden. Sirius' tears and Regulus' anger, Remus' mouth in a tense line, Lily's furrowed brows, it was as if they were tormenting him, their frustration with him, their pain. He saw it all, constantly, all their pain, and absorbed it like a sponge, he took their burdens and reassured them it wasn't too heavy for him to carry. Reassured them he wasn't suffocating slowly, he put himself between them and their pain, and yet, it wasn't enough. It would never be enough, he could never be enough. He punched the wall again, splitting open his knuckles with the action, water from his hair dripping down into his eyes and mixing with the tears he hadn't realized had started again. He knew he couldn't prevent people from hurting, but he was so tired of feeling their pain all the time, and he was so scared they would drown in it without him there. James was drowning.
~
Regulus and Sirius were huddled on the couch talking when Remus came in, a small frown tugging on his lips. "I called James twice, but he never answered, didn't decline, just never picked up. I figured he might be sleeping, so I texted him to let him know you're with us."
"I doubt he's sleeping, knowing Prongs he's been pacing all night, his mind never sleeps. Especially when someone he loves is hurting," Sirius said, nudging Regulus.
He wasn't trying to make Regulus feel bad, but he was worried about both of them, they didn't do blowout fights. That was more Sirius and Remus' thing really, both of them were fiery and stubborn, and when they got going, the flames between them only got bigger until they were both burned. Their fights usually ended with both of them retreating for a bit until it sizzled out, then coming back together again with apologies. But James and Regulus were fire and ice, James was always able to melt Regulus' icy demeanor and cold words with a gentleness that soothed, and Regulus was always able to keep James from burning up too quickly, grounding him with logic when he flew too close to the sun. It worried Sirius that it had gotten so bad that Regulus left, desperately seeking answers for why the love of his life was practically a ghost, clearly hurting but lost to all of them.
"He may just need some time, you're welcome to stay the night, Reg," Remus offered kindly, but Regulus shook his head, letting the warm blanket fall from his shoulders.
"I should go back, I'm angry with him, but I shouldn't have left like that," He checked his phone, but had no messages from James, which was weird, especially after a fight. James didn't really do silence, and it made Regulus feel queasy knowing how upset James must be after what he'd said and how he'd left. "I'll text you," He told Sirius, who nodded, pulling him into a quick hug, chin resting on his brother's head.
"Come back if you need to, I hate that you're fighting, but I don't want you to be alone in it either," Regulus leaned into his brother for a little bit longer before extricating himself from his arms, sending the pair a weak smile before leaving.
~
Regulus walked into the house hesitantly, unsure of what he would find or if he would be welcome. They had never fought so fiercely and James had never been so closed off to him before, so unreachable. He had walked out because he couldn't bear the thought of not being enough for him. James had always been there for him, had patiently smoothed out all of his rough edges until they didn't cut him anymore, never flinching at the wounds he acquired from loving someone as prickly as Regulus Black. Regulus could plainly see the hurt despite his avoidance and he ached to hold James, to let him break if he needed to.
Sirius told him he didn't think it had anything to do with him not trusting Regulus, had told him a secret he'd held onto for years, for James' sake. Sirius told him that James burnt himself out sometimes, without realizing it, he would be like a boat taking on too much water, James wouldn't realize he was sinking until it was too late. He would tirelessly fix and lend energy and offer help as if he had an infinite supply for everyone all the time. James never really opened up about it or said the words, but Sirius saw it happen, would hear him cry himself to sleep in their dorm sometimes, and would witness the withdrawal into himself when it got too heavy. He never stopped helping, but his smiles would become wooden and artificial, his laughs a bit jagged and forced, and he would pace for hours instead of sleeping. Sirius never could get him to talk about it, but he always made sure his arms were ready to catch James when he inevitably fell. Sirius told Regulus that he suspected James was finally experiencing the fall.
"James?" He called, walking through the dark, empty house, nerves jangling, caught between dreading seeing James and desiring it more than anything else. He made his way to their bedroom, passing through a hallway filled with pictures, and a little black frame with glass that held dozens of notes they had written each other, little reminders they would slip into pockets and bags. The light in their bedroom was on, but the bed was empty, still made up from this morning. Regulus could hear the shower running and breathed a sigh of relief, about to sit on the edge of the bed to wait for James to come out when he heard a bang from inside the bathroom. "James? Are you okay?" Regulus raised his voice to be heard over the shower, standing at the door, contemplating entering when another loud bang resounded. "I'm coming in!"
Regulus picked the lock with a bobby pin he found, hands trembling as his mind raced with possibilities of where the noise could be coming from. He kept thinking about Sirius telling him that James might be falling, slipping through their fingers, burning up faster than they could pull him away from the sun. He thought he could hear soft sobs, muffled by the running water, and Regulus worked faster. He pushed the door open so fast he nearly tripped on his way in, vision immediately clouded with the steam that filled the entire room, making it too warm. He could clearly hear the cries now, and ripped the curtain open without finesse or warning, concern overriding any of his other instincts. James was there, curled up on the floor of the shower, his skin was bright red and looked burning hot, but he didn't seem to be bothered by it, too consumed with melancholy, head ducked into his knees. Regulus hastily shut off the water, hissing as some of it splattered on his hand, the temperature scorching. He grabbed a towel from the rack and wrapped it around his crying boyfriend, who hadn't lifted his head as Regulus knelt next to him on the other side of the tub.
"James, baby, can you hear me?" Regulus grasped his arms, squeezing as he tried to get his attention, wracking his brain for what to do. He had seen James cry on rare occasions, but it had never been like this. Regulus suspected no one had ever seen him like this. “Are you hurt? Did you fall?” His hands roved around James’ body, searching for bruises or blood.
James turned his head sluggishly, still resting on this arms, damp hazel eyes drifting for a moment before settling on Regulus’ “‘M okay, it’s nothing,” he breathed, barely there. It sent a shiver down Regulus’ spine.
“Show me,” He said instantly, years of bruises and scars carefully hidden under clothes flashed in his mind. James felt a featherlight touch on his wrist, Regulus’ thumb rubbing small circles on his racing pulse, “Please?”
James didn’t respond, closing his eyes for so many seconds Regulus thought he was going to fall asleep until he felt James shift the slightest bit, pulling his other hand into view. Regulus could clearly see four marks across his knuckles where the skin had cracked and split, thin rivulets of blood mixed with the water still dripping from his hand. It wasn’t a bad injury, but the nature of it made Regulus feel sick.
Regulus squeezed his good hand, mouth opening and closing as he desperately tried to think of what to say. "Baby, you have to tell me how to help you,"
James ducked his head again, soaking hair falling in his face in clumps. "I don't- I don't think anything can help," His voice came out thin and brittle, though nothing was fragile about the way he cried, his whole body trembling with every ragged sob ripped from his throat.
"No, listen to me, that's not true,” Regulus hooked a finger under James’ jaw and turned his face toward him, his voice firm, but there was an edge of pleading too, “There’s always hope, okay? We can figure out how to do this. Let's get you out of the tub. You'll feel better once you're in proper clothes and in bed," Regulus lifted a hand to wipe at his face, flushed skin hot to the touch, brushing away tears and wiping snot with a corner of the towel.
James looked like he disagreed but closed his eyes and nodded through hiccuping sobs anyway. Regulus looped his arms underneath James, pulling him up to standing and helping him step out of the tub, drying him off with an extra towel and walking them into the bedroom, unwilling to let James out of his sight. Regulus felt horribly out of his depth, had never seen him so off-kilter, and fought the urge to call Sirius, who would probably know how to handle this better than he ever could. But Regulus needed to show James that he could handle this, that he wouldn't run from the hurt he was experiencing, but stand next to him and hold his hand in it.
“I didn't want you to see this, I tried so hard to keep it in, to keep it away from you. I know I hurt you, I swear I didn't mean to, I didn’t even want to talk about it, she just forced it out of me and," James rambled as Regulus helped him dress, eyes downcast and still glistening with tears, wet hair dampening the fabric on his shoulders.
Regulus reached up to take his face in his hands, "Shh, I'm here now. You're allowed to break and fall, and whatever it is you need to do. You don't have to hide, please don't hide from me, baby. I'll just keep looking until I find you again, I'll never stop."
James' face crumpled, hands coming up to hold Regulus' wrists where his face was cupped in his hands.
Regulus pulled his injured hand closer, frowning down at it, a line appearing between his brows as they furrowed. "Are you gonna tell me happened here?"
He looked up when James tried to tug his hand from his grasp, Regulus’ grip firm on his wrist. “Leave it, please, Reg. I can't do this, it's too much,"
"I don't think I can, I know you're scared of being seen like this, but I'd rather see you like this than lose you. I'm scared I'm going to lose you, do you understand? You're so far away, and I just want you to come back to me, baby," Regulus held his hand tightly, his own breathing feeling too short, feeling desperately out of his depth.
James' face softened, free hand snaking behind Regulus' neck, pulling him in until their foreheads rested against each other. "What if you don't like what you see? What happens when I stop knowing how to be the sun? What if I can't be what you need anymore?" The words were soft-spoken and fragile like they were terrible secrets, and each question cut at Regulus until he was aching.
"The only thing I need you to be is here and safe, the rest we will handle together,"
"I see their pain, all of it, all the time. I can't stop it, I can't stop it from hurting and I can't fix it, I'm just drowning in it all the time. I don't know how to breathe around it, everyone's pain, everyone's disappointment," He admitted, hand squeezing at the back of Regulus' neck like a reminder for both of them to breathe, that they were there together.
"Nobody asked you to hold it, or to fix it for them, it's not your responsibility," Regulus whispered, leaning forward to kiss away the tears on his cheeks even as his own threatened to overflow.
James shook his head, "I want to, I like being needed, it just gets overwhelming sometimes. But I can handle it, I just-"
"You're just one person, and you're burning yourself out trying to keep everyone else afloat. Just let it go, yeah?" James began to shake his head again and Regulus captured his face in his palms, hazel meeting silver, fire and ice. "You can't be there for us if you keep going like this, nobody can be strong all the time. Even if you had nothing to offer us, we would love you. But baby, you have to put it down, just for a little while, let yourself breathe, please."
James tucked his head in Regulus' shoulder, letting himself be held and deflating at the fingers that combed through his wet hair. With every exhale, he tried to let it go, picturing the thoughts receding like waves on the shore. After wrapping James' hand, they crawled into bed, Regulus curling around him protectively, determined not to let his sun burn up. In the morning, they called a therapist together, and a week later James attended his first session. It was hard, sometimes it felt like the words had to be pried from his mouth, sometimes he lashed out in his vulnerability, but he kept showing up. Gradually, he found himself again and tried his best not to burn out, his friends intent on reminding him that he was valuable because he existed, not because he had anything to offer them.