“Casual”

🎶Casual - Chappel Roan🎶

Sirius had laughed when Remus said it first, because of course he had thought the other boy was joking. Spending every day since Christmas Day in Seventh year at Hogwarts together, not having sex with anyone else or even looking at other people, being practically exclusive- that all felt pretty real to Sirius, he had only assumed Remus felt the same.

“What are you on about, Moons?” Sirius said, smile still on his face as he scrubbed at a plate in the sink of his and Remus’ shared flat. They had bought it as soon as they finished school.

“Sirius.” Remus sounded very serious all of a sudden, which didn’t sit right with Sirius- not one bit. He turned around, plate and sponge still in hand. “I mean, we’re adults now, we’ve got to stop messing around like this.” He said, looking down at his shoes as if he had never felt more ashamed. As if there was something to be ashamed of?

“Excuse me?” Sirius almost scoffed, unsure of what exactly Remus was upset about.

“Us.” Remus stated, bluntly and harshly. “We can’t keep fucking around, it’s not… right.” He sighed, eyes still on the ground.

Sirius felt his heart stop, it felt like a dream all of a sudden- or a nightmare. “What?” He said, voice cracking because of the tears his eyes threatened to spill.

“Don’t pretend to be stupid, Sirius.” Remus muttered, looking up at him. “We’re in a war and you think being in a casual hookup- whatever this is!- is a good idea?” His cheeks were red, he was always passionate when speaking- usually Sirius liked that.

Casual? Sirius had never thought one word could hurt so much. Because he had never thought, not for one second, that whatever he and Remus had was casual.

“You fucking what?” A tear fell down Sirius’ face, the salty taste of it had never been more bitter. Remus looked up, blinking back his own tears. He never had been one for showing how he felt, maybe Sirius should’ve expected this. “I’m cleaning our fucking plates, Remus, not my plates, our fucking plates.” He spat, hand gripping so tight onto the plate that it could’ve smashed.

“Sirius, come on.” Remus sounded desperate. “I thought you’d understand, you usually do.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, pulling his lips into a tight and thin line so he didn’t say anything that he’d regret. He and Remus hardly ever fought, he had forgotten what it felt like to be so angry and upset at the same time.

“James and Lily are married- with a baby on the way!” Remus argued, like he considered James and Lily to be the picture of perfection. They were, but that was beside the point. “Don’t you want to find a nice girl to settle down with? Start your own family?”

Sirius could’ve sworn something had possessed Remus. His words sounded alien, nothing that he would ever expect Remus to say to him. Why would Sirius ever want any of the girls in the world when he thought he had Remus Lupin?

“I thought that-“ Sirius was crying, he couldn’t help it, “I thought we were each other’s family.”

“Sirius, please.” Remus mumbled, “You don’t want this, you shouldn’t want me, it was fine when we were seventeen but- we’re properly adults now, you have to take life seriously now.”

“I thought what we had was fucking serious.” Sirius angrily slammed the plate down into the kitchen worktop. “I thought you fucking loved me?” Saying it out loud made him realise how bloody stupid it sounded, he loved Remus- of course he did, he had since the first time he’d lain eyes on him.

“I can’t love you.” Remus admitted.

“Oh, fuck you.” Sirius laughed again, bitterly, full of heartbreak and pent up anger. “You’ve spent years with me- living with me, fucking me and kissing me, does that mean nothing to you?” He asked, knowing the answer already.

Remus didn’t reply, he didn’t have to, the look on his face said it all. Sirius couldn’t think of anything else to say. He had never imagined a day like this, where Remus said any of this to him. He and Remus had never said out loud that they were together, but he just assumed that everything they did meant they were in love and would be in love forever.

“Fucking please, Moony.” Sirius begged, taking a few steps forwards so that he was practically standing on Remus’ toes. “Remus?”

Remus bent down and kissed him, so gently that it almost made Sirius forget everything he had said in the past five minutes. It was like muscle memory, just another reason as to why Sirius had believed it was love. Remus pushed him away gently, sighing.

“I’ll be casual- we can be whatever you want Remus.” Sirius felt the most stupid he had ever felt, he had never begged for someone to stay before.

“Sirius, we can’t.” Remus mumbled, “You have to let it go and move on- find a girl to satisfy whatever needs you have.”

Sirius pushed Remus this time, shoved him so hard he almost fell over. “Fuck you, Remus Lupin.”

Remus looked down at him, before turning around and walking towards the door. Sirius felt like a knife had been stabbed through his heart and then dragged out through his mouth.

“Fucking leave then- see if I give a fuck!” Sirius yelled, chasing after him and pushing him to reach the door sooner. “Fuck you for stealing three fucking years from me, making me feel like you fucking loved me you piece of shit!” He had never shouted at someone like how he shouted at Remus in that moment.

Remus just stood there, in the doorway of their flat, and took it. Sirius didn’t care if any of their neighbours heard. Not as he shoved Remus out of a place he had thought was both of their homes.

“I hope you have a brilliant fucking life Remus Lupin!” His voice was hoarse, “Find yourself a pretty girl and make her a wife- you’ll never be fucking happy with her though will you?!” Remus rolled his eyes and started to walk away, not taking any of his shit with him. Sirius watched as he left, watched him reach into his pocket for a pack of fags.

He slammed the flat door shut and let himself cry, really fucking cry. He was sobbing, running into the room he and Remus slept in. If he wasn’t so naive, he would have seen this coming. Remus had been fucking him and then sleeping on the sofa, he had been less affectionate with him. Sirius had just thought he was going through a rough patch and would talk about it when he was ready.

In a fit of rage, he reached up and ripped the posters Remus had bought off of the walls, tearing them up in his hands while he muttered curses beneath his breath. He threw Remus’ blanket onto the floor, the blanket Sirius placed over him after every full moon. After a while, the room was covered in old memories, memories Sirius thought he’d cherish forever.

That night, Sirius didn’t sleep. He stayed up all night, replaying every moment he had ever spent with Remus in his mind. In his hands was a gift Remus had given him in their second year of Hogwarts, a heart shaped locket with a mini picture of the two of them in. Sirius had worn it every day, he wasn’t sure how he would be able to take it off.

1995

Sirius Black still doesn’t feel like himself. How could he? All those years he lost in Azkaban, all of his friends who he’s lost.

None of those losses compared to the heart ache he still felt when laying eyes upon Remus Lupin. Remus Lupin who had, in fact, found a pretty girl and married her. Nymphodora Tonks. Sirius found a bit of humour in it, at least Remus would never truly escape him. Not when Nymphodora was practically Sirius but in the body of a woman. Not when she was Sirius’ cousin’s daughter.

And Sirius caught the glances Remus gave him, when he thought nobody could see. Or maybe he wasn’t thinking. After all, it was just muscle memory. He could never erase Sirius, Remus Lupin was a fool to think he would ever move on from the brightest star in the sky.