LUMINESCENCE

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

  Remus is weird throughout the rest of the day. He doesn’t maintain eye contact, and instead, avoids it like he used to do before Lily put some sense into Sirius’ head. 

  He doesn’t understand. He truly doesn’t. Sirius didn’t do anything — but he thought about it. He thought about it when he shamelessly stared at his lips. And Remus noticed that, of course he did. He noticed it and now he realised it was a mistake to ever want Sirius to be nice to him.

  He ruined it. He ruined the beginning of a friendship that could’ve happened.

  Fuck, he groans internally, and bites on his lip as his friends chatter around him. Remus is in between Fabian and Kingsley, closer to the lake than Sirius. 

  They’re laughing together as Gideon tries to connect his phone with the loudspeaker, because the signal is terrible and the bluetooth is far too slow.

  “Give it up, Gids,” Remus says, “It’s okay.”

  “No. I swear it works.”

  “We don’t have a signal,” James warns, and Gideon shoots him a look.

  “I know, tosser. Bluetooth doesn’t need a signal nor internet to work. It’s just,” he slaps the loudspeaker, “slow.” Magically, they hear ‘device connected’ and Gideon smiles diabolically, “Told ‘ya.”

  James raises his hands in redemption, and a few seconds later, a soft instrumental music is playing.

  “Argh,” Marlene moans, “Music!”

  They laugh and Mary squeezes her knee, “That’s why you should save your playlists.”

  “I don’t have Spotify premium, alright? Don’t come for me.”

  She shakes her head softly, and looks away. The music is calming as they watch the sunset — one more hour and they have to go back to the cabins and prepare themselves for the last day.

  Sirius isn’t sure if he will ever be prepared, because no matter how much he knew they had to leave sooner or later, he couldn’t even imagine getting into a bus and returning to his house. Couldn’t imagine losing all of this.

  What would happen? Would their groups divide themselves again? Would Lily return to being the only one to hang out with Remus? Would Marlene and Mary, or Kingsley and James break up? Was it all just a ‘camp thing’ ? Sirius doesn’t know. 

  It doesn’t feel like it, not for Mary and Marlene at least. Kingsley and James, though, really seem to be taking their privacy seriously. Although always together, touching in some way — knees resting against each other, shoulders glued together, feet on top of the other —, were never actually holding hands, or hugging. It was like they were just two really close friends. Sirius knows James like the palm of his hand, he knows his heart is melting when he looks at Kingsley, but would he really get over his pride? Sirius doesn’t know.

  Mary and Marlene, on the other hand, were always holding each other in some way. It was in simple forms, like resting their heads on each other’s shoulders, or kissing each other’s cheek, holding hands or interlocking their legs. It made sense for them, seeing the history they held.

  Deep in his heart, he clings to the imagination of doing that with Remus. Once again, his eyes are on him — he isn’t even looking. His eyes are on the sunset, and Sirius has VIP tickets for the show that is the moonlight taking over him. 

  His throat is itching as he urges to go next to him, and apologise — for what, he isn’t sure yet. But he knows he wants to.

  As if he could sense it, Remus is looking at him. This time, their eyes linger for longer — there’s a particular shine that makes Sirius shiver, but then, Remus is gulping and standing up.

  “I think I’m going to sleep,” he warns, shaking his hands on his trousers.

  “But it’s so early!” Lily argues, and he cleans his nose with the back of his hand.

  “I’m not feeling well,” he says, and Sirius knows it’s just an excuse. His eyes flash to Sirius for less than a second, and his stomach sinks.

  “Do you need anything?” Peter asks.

  “No, Pete,” he smiles warmly, “I just need to sleep.”

  “You can take my bed,” Gideon suggests.

  “Thank you, guys, really, but I just want to be alone right now.”

  He goes over the tree trunk Sirius was sitting in, his movements too close to him, and Sirius looks over his shoulder. Remus buries his hands in his pockets as he walks fast, as if he was running from something.

  Sirius’ eyes return to the group for a bit. Remus was running. He was running from him.

  He blinks lazily to avoid giving in to the tight feeling around his throat — why.

  How does Sirius manage to fuck things up every single time? Even when he doesn’t mean to? 

  It’s not fair. It’s not fair for him, because he never planned on thinking about Remus this way, it’s not fair for Remus, because he never asked Sirius to feel like that. And it’s not fair for their friends, because they just want to have fun with the people they like.

  That’s when he decides. He needs to apologise. He needs to apologise for him, for Remus, and their friends, because they don’t deserve that. 

  Sirius wants to be a better person, but that couldn’t happen if he destroyed a friend group just because he had… fallen for Remus somehow.

  He gets on his feet, “I’ll be right back,” that’s all he says before he’s following the path Remus took.

  His feet are so fast he’s almost running, and his friends’ calls are only mumbles as he shifts away. His heart is beating on his rib cage and he can’t even think about what he’s gonna say.

  When he gets to the door, he doesn’t take any time before opening it, chest moving up and down quickly. Remus is leaving the bathroom, hands on the edge of his shirt as if he was about to take it off when he sees Sirius there.

  They both freeze, and, surprisingly, Remus is the first to speak, “I don’t need anything.”

  “I know,” he lets the words out in a breath, “I just– I just wanted to talk.”

  Remus blinks at him, and walks over to Gideon’s bed, sitting on it. When out of his sight, Sirius closes his eyes, feeling less brave now that he’s in Remus’ presence.

  The lights aren’t even on, and the only thing lighting the room is the Moon taking over the sky as the Sun finishes his shift for today.

  He turns around, fidgeting with his rings as he takes place in front of Remus.

  “I– I want…” he gulps. Remus’ gaze is too strong for him to handle, so he’s looking away, taking a deep breath, “to apologise.”

  When he’s looking down again, Remus is frowning, “For what?”

  “Everything.”

  “Sirius–”

  “No,” he raises his hands, “Let me talk. Don’t interrupt me.” Remus nods, and he gulps in order to proceed, “I’m sorry if I did anything to piss you off. I– I don’t– I know what I did, but I don’t get why you’re mad– I mean, I do, but…” Sirius takes a deep breath, his brain moving faster than his mouth, “I’m sorry, okay? I promise I won’t ever do anything. Ever. I don’t want our friends to be collateral damage, I don’t want to make them uncomfortable like I did with you. I don’t– we are not friends,” when he says it, he notices something shifting in Remus’ expression, and his jaw tenses as he hears. Sirius then realises it was not the best choice of words, but doesn’t take it back either, “but we could have been if I had been better. I– I just want us to be able to talk, maybe get a laugh or two. I want to be able to see you often, even if school has just ended and you’re gonna get going with your life, and maybe we will only see each other on occasional hang outs when everyone decides to come together, but that’s enough. That’s enough for me, even if I wanted more—”

  “I don’t understand,” Remus interrupts, and instead of asking him to let him keep going, Sirius just crouches down. Hands on Remus’ knees as his eyes grow bigger, eyebrows pressed as his voice lowers.

  “I didn’t choose this,” he confesses with his voice hanging by a thread, “I didn’t want this, but my thoughts started to change, and I lost control. I don’t know why it happened. I promise.”

  “Sirius. What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “Today,” he shakes his left knee, almost begging Remus to not make him say it, “By the showers.”

  Remus then tenses, “What do you mean?”

  “The way you looked at me.” There is silence. Remus’ face drops, and he gulps, “The way you spoke when Sybill got there… I know you know.”

  “Why are you apologising?”

  Sirius frowns, shifting his head back as he blinks, trying to puzzle his brain together.

  “Because I made you uncomfortable. I made it awkward and then you went all ice-cold on me.”

  “You didn’t—” Remus sighs, looking away, “You didn’t make me uncomfortable, Sirius.”

  “Yes,” he exhales, getting up just to sit next to Remus, body facing him, “Yes, I did. I know I did, and I’m sorry, Remus. Believe me.”

  “Shut up,” he lets out, looking at Sirius. He’s somewhere in between anger and frustration, and for the first time, Sirius doesn’t know what Remus is feeling, “Quit the fucking act, Sirius. You didn’t make me uncomfortable. I know at some point you would’ve figured it out, but I hoped you’d ignore it, not shove it in my face and say sorry as if you have anything to be sorry for.”

  “… What?” he laughs confusingly, scrunching his face, “I don’t get it, Remus.”

  “How?”

  “Because– because I thought you were mad at me because I wanted to kiss you.”

  The low, careful confession floated through the cabin, which was now a hundred times smaller. Remus’ eyes shift quickly, Sirius can barely keep up with it as his face drops, and his body grows cold. There’s silence stretching around them, and the Moon had now taken full place outside; Sirius could tell by the light changing.

  “Excuse me?” his tone is calm, collected. Sirius envies it.

  “I didn’t want to say it, but you’re confusing me.”

  “Are you pulling a prank on me?” Remus frowns, and Sirius’ heart sinks at that.

  “Why would I ever pull a prank like this?”

  “Because it doesn’t make sense. I thought you were talking about me fancying you.”

  Sirius’ face goes blank as the words register themselves in his brain.

  Oh.

  Oh.

  “What?” ridiculously, that’s all he had to say. 

  He wants to jump on Remus, but his body can’t move. Not even if someone pinched him he would’ve believed this was real.

  “I like you Sirius. I really like you, and today I thought you had finally realised that, and that’s why you went cold on me.”

  “I didn’t go cold on you.”

  “You didn’t talk to me.”

  “Because you were avoiding my presence,” he clarifies in a soft laugh, and Remus presses his eyebrows together before smiling.

  “I’m confused.”

  “You– you like me?” Remus nods, shyly, “How? I mean– when? how? How did I not know?”

  “Because I didn’t want you to know.”

  “Why?”

  “Jesus, Sirius. Because you’re you. You’re Sirius. You’re Sirius, and you are the sweetest person ever, and you’re– you shine. You shine like a fucking star, alright? You bring light wherever you go, and even with your insufferable cocky attitude, I still fucking admire you. Everything about you. Your brain, your heart…. you. It’s you, and there’s me. We’re— we’re from totally different worlds, and if Lily had never spoken to you, you would’ve kept on going with your life, and not look at me, because I don’t shine bright enough for that. And— and honestly I wish that would’ve happened, because then we got to know each other, and then I’m sharing my deepest feelings with you, and you’re being absolutely perfect, and I’m falling. You keep on being the most caring human being to me, and you keep looking at me that way,” he points to Sirius, almost angry as he speaks, “and I don’t know what it means, because then you’re silent, and then you tell me you wanted to kiss me?”

  Sirius isn’t sure what to say as he opens and closes his mouth, throat closed at the confession. He presses his facial muscles together, and reaches for Remus’ hand. The boy doesn’t fight, but doesn’t interlock their fingers either.

  “I wouldn’t have kept on going, Remus,” he says, “Even if Lily hadn’t told me to be nicer to you, I would’ve still looked, because, firstly, you’re the most gorgeous human I’ve ever seen,” his smile is weak, and Remus doesn’t return it, “and secondly, because we are so close now. It’s different. I got to see why people love you so much, and that would’ve happened in one way or another, because your best friend is with my best friend, and James— well… but you get it. I was being a prick, yes. But I had my motives. Dumb ones, but motives.”

  “I just don’t get it,” his tone borders sorrow, and Sirius carefully touches his jaw. His thumb rests against his scar, and now he allows himself to stroke it, touch it, feel it.

  “I hope this isn’t some self-deprecation shit,” he laughs through his nose, and Remus’ eyes glimmer, “I like you, Remus. I don’t know when it happened, but I can’t look at you without thinking about how perfect you are in every sense of the word. I can’t hear you laugh without yearning for more.”

  “I wanna kiss you so badly right now,” Remus confesses, slow and soft. Sirius smiles, and nods in permission. Without hesitation, Remus leans in, and their lips are touching.

  The world falls at their feet, and everything goes silent as Sirius feels Remus finally intertwining their fingers. They squeeze each other’s hand at the same time, and Sirius lets his thumb go over the scar once more as he presses against Remus. His legs are numb, and his heart is beating on the surface of his skin — perfect. perfect.

  He parts his lips, and then, Remus’ tongue is entering his mouth. Sirius lifts his body, immediately addicted to the sensation. He hums against his lips, and his hands travel to Remus’ curls, burying his fingers in it. The other’s hand holds his waist, pulling him closer as Sirius arches his back, letting go of Remus’ other hand to place his on his shoulders, pulling him down a little bit.

  Their bodies fall together, and Sirius positions himself between Remus’ legs as he deepens the kiss.

  Anyone could walk in and catch them, but that didn’t matter. Sirius didn’t care, because his entire world was made of Remus now. His shirt lifts a bit, and then Remus’ hand is in contact with the bare skin of his waist, and Sirius gasps.

  Their mouths disconnect for short seconds before Remus is leaning forward, and Sirius leaning down. They kiss slowly, exploring more of each other. Sirius’ hand travels down Remus’ chest, and he’s pulling his shirt up so he does trail his scars with his middle finger. Remus hums, and hardens his grip on Sirius’ skin. His other hand goes to Sirius’ hair, moving it off his face; his fingers brushing against his neck as he does so. Then, he’s grabbing the hair, and pulling it up, restraining it from disturbing the kiss for a while.

  There’s something pure about their touches. As much as Sirius’ fingers play around Remus’ stomach, going up to his chest, there’s nothing really sexual about it. And even though Remus is gripping on Sirius’ hair, he doesn’t pull it — he just holds it, gently and caring.

  Unfortunately, their breaths start getting short, and Sirius feels Remus lifting his head as he pulls back.

  Their eyes open, and life is different. Remus’ eyes glimmer, pupils growing as Sirius enters his sight, and a smile paints itself slowly on top of his lips. Sirius finds himself laughing. He’s not embarrassed, far from it. His emotions are just too huge to tame.

  He’s then falling on top of Remus, burying his face on the crook of his neck. The other’s hand goes to his lower back, and his fingers start moving back and forth on his skin.

  “You smell so good,” Sirius whispers, inhaling Remus’ usual scent.

  “Mmm.”

  “I wish we had spoken about this sooner,” he confesses, moving a little bit down so he could lift his head, resting his chin on Remus’ chest as he blinks at him.

  Remus looks down in a lazy smile, “I think it was the perfect timing, actually.”

  “What?! No! We only have tomorrow to be together,” he whines as the sudden realisation.

  “We have an entire summer!”

  “Bollocks. I could never bring you to my house.”

  “I can bring you to mine– if that isn’t an issue,” he furrows softly.

  The idea sends cold shivers down Sirius’ spine, and an involuntary smile is on his face as his heart travels to his chest, “Yes,” he nods, “Yes, you could. I wanna see your room.”

  There’s a flash of embarrassment across Remus’ face as he lets his head drop to the side, laughing. Sirius doesn’t know why, but he’s laughing too, then.

  “My room is a mess.”

  “Your mess,” he pokes on his waist, and Remus squirms at the sudden moment.

  “I’d have to tidy everything up before you could step inside.”

  “Oh, don’t be a drama queen, I know it’s not that bad.”

  “Wait until you see it,” his eyes are on his again, “What now?” he slowly asks.

  “What do you mean?”

  “What happens now? We go to sleep and forget about it tomorrow?”

  Sirius frowns, “Fuck no. We talk the entire night and sleep all day,” he’s chuckling, bringing Remus with him.

  “We cannot do that.”

  “I wish we could,” he confesses.

  “Me too.”

  “Do you think we should keep this a secret?”

  Remus stares at Peter’s bed above them, contemplating for a minute, “It’ll be funny to see how long it’ll take them to figure it out.”

  “Mmm, not long. Can’t keep my hands off you now that I got it.” His voice is playful as he runs his hand through Remus’ arm, pulling it up in the air so he could follow one of his scar’s path, “I love your scars, did you know that?”

  He’s not actually waiting for an answer, but Remus gives him anyway, “You’ve made that clear before.”

  “And I’ll keep doing it,” he shakes his eyelashes in a soft raise of lips. Comfortable silence falls over them for a silence. Not even preoccupied about the curfew and their roommates. Sirius keeps trailing Remus’ scar, stopping at the edge of his short sleeve and jumping to his jawline, then, his collarbone, “Did you know I hated you?”

  That makes Remus chuckle, “Yes.”

  “Not really hate, but I guess I was jealous. I had always been the smartest student, and then you came. Lily was always one of my closest best friends, we were always together no matter what, and then she was spending time with you and that made me bitter.”

  “You’re still the smartest student.”

  “No. Not now. You keep beating me by one or two points. It frustrated me.”

  “It doesn’t matter— grades. They're just numbers on paper. Your brain is what really matters. And you have a brilliant brain, Sirius.”

  His heart warms at the words, and he nods instead of arguing, too busy feeling the scars underneath his touch.

  “And I’m sorry if I made you feel like I was trying to snatch Lily from you,” he laughs quietly, “It was never my intention.”

  Sirius shifts on top of him, bringing his face closer, “Yeah, but in my mind you were an evil mastermind.” They laugh together, and Sirius steals him a fast kiss before he hears chatting outside. Moment’s over, “Let’s get to bed before they come in.”

  Remus nods, and against both of their wills, Sirius is jumping off the bed. Peace in his mind nonetheless.

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

  “Are you sure this will fit me?” Sirius asks, a brown dress in his hands. Today was hot. Definitely worse weather than yesterday, and the sensation of trousers around his legs made Sirius genuinely freak out. So, Amelia offered one of her dresses, it was light and fresh, as she said.

  “Yes. I think we’re around the same size,” she reassures, “It’ll look good on you.”

  He squints, “It’s not like I’ve never worn a dress or some shit like that, but if I do look bad, I’ll be coming for your entire family.”

  Amelia chuckles, and pushes him inside her cabin’s bathroom.

  When the door is closed, Sirius is left alone with the dress in his hands and his reflection staring back at him in the mirror. He holds his breath, and then lets go, not sure why he was so nervous.

  He knows he looks good. He owns a few dresses himself, although only using them once or twice a year. It’ll be fine, he’ll look fine — but will Remus think so?

  Will Remus think he looks absolutely ridiculous, and that he should stick to masculine clothing? His throat tightens, and Sirius groans before landing the dress on the toilet seat.

  When he’s taking off his clothes and setting himself on the dress, he avoids looking in the mirror before he’s done. It feels light around him, not loose but not too tight. It embraces his chest just fine, not leaving any space for the breasts that he doesn’t have. it’s plain until his waist, and it opens a bit more on his lower belly.

  He turns to the mirror, and his heart jumps a bit. Yeah, he looked just fine. His hair was curlier today than usual, and even though he adores that, he still collects it and ties it up in a ponytail, only allowing two front strings to frame his face.

  He stays there for a couple while, staring at him, looking for imperfections that he couldn’t quite find — it’s fine, he reassures himself, and tries not to think much about how Remus would react as he sits on the toilet, putting his shoes back on.

  Remus wouldn’t leave him because of that, not when in the middle of the night, Sirius felt him reach for his hand that was hanging out of the bed. Not when Remus waited inside the cabin until Peter, Gideon and James were out so he could make out with him a little bit against the closed window. 

  Or maybe, this would throw Remus off; because Sirius has never worn too feminine clothes in front of him. Maybe Remus would want Sirius to stop, because he was into a man, and that man was walking around like the opposite gender.

  He grunts at the thoughts, and aggressively walks out of the bathroom. When Amelia’s eyes lay on him, she’s jumping off the bed, clapping excitedly.

  “You look absolutely fucking gorgeous,” his shoulders are being held, and he allows himself to smile.

  “I know,” he says, “Don’t I always?”

  “I take it back,” she drops her face, and he chuckles.

  “Alright, alright. Let’s have breakfast before we lose our chance.”

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

  When he sits next to Remus by the cafeteria, Sirius doesn’t know why he even thought about him fancying him less because of that dress; because Remus stares, but not a bad one. No, it’s a type of staring that itches his skin.

  He turns his head a little bit in a shy smile, “G’morning Remus,” he says, and the boy gulps, licking his lips and clearing his throat.

  “Good morning.”

  The shaken tone makes Sirius’ confidence fly to the Moon. So Remus did like it. He giggles quietly, and focuses on his food.

  “You look good, Pads,” James comments, taking a bite off his bread.

  “Thanks. It’s Mel’s,” he says, pointing at the girl.

  “It’s like, super hot today, and it’s only the morning, so imagine how bad it’ll get during the afternoon. I let him borrow that dress, it looks better on him, honestly.”

  “Oh, don’t make me blush,” he teases in a playful grin.

  “Yeah, don’t let his ego boost even more,” Marlene mumbles, and he flips her off.

  “You’re just jealous because I look fucking edible in a dress,” he pokes back, shrugging.

  “I’d die before getting myself in a dress, first off.”

  Sirius rolls his eyes, a smile still twisting around his face.

  “I was wondering…” Sybill begins, letting go of Peter’s hand to grab her glass, “if we are allowed to sit by the bonfire tonight. Y’know, just to enjoy our one last night here.”

  “Actually,” Fabian cuts in, “that’s a splendid idea.”

  “Are we allowed to?” Lily asks, “because I’ve only seen that bonfire lit one time.”

  “We can ask,” Kingsley shrugs, “We deserve this, don’t we? It’s our last day.”

  “We still have an entire day, lads,” James says, “we can think about asking McGonagall about it later.”

  “Are you okay, Rem?” Gideon asks, and Remus is then looking up from his plate.

  “What? Yeah. Yes, I am.”

  “You look weird,” he reasons.

  “Yeah, Remus. You look weird,” Amelia rests her elbow on the table, gazing intensely at Remus with a smirk on her lips, “Did something… shake you a little bit?”

  Sirius is rolling his eyes as he grabs his spoon, playing with the cereals before bringing it to his mouth.

  “No,” he simply replies, “Just sleepy.”

  “Mmm, sure.”

  “Knock it off, Amelia,” Sirius says with a mouthful, “It’s not even nine yet.”

  She raises her hands on the sides of her head, and returns to her food.

  He turns his head to Remus, shifting closer so only he could hear him, “Did I shake you?”

  Remus smirks, and blinks at him, “I could come up with a few ways to show you how much.”

  His cheeks grow hot, and he’s biting his lower lip before flipping his ponytail, looking away. Remus spreads his legs so their knees are touching, and Sirius has to fill his mouth with cereals to not smile. Fuck Remus Lupin. And fuck Remus Lupin.

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆