Chapter 6
⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆
Sirius feels himself melt in the rowing clothes. The morning Sun is not strong yet, but the sweat is collecting in his forehead as he walks outside, sitting beside Fabian as Hagrid sets the duos.
“Gideon Prewett and Sirius Black,” his voice projects, echoing around the lake.
Sirius turns his head to Gideon standing a bit far away from him. He’s not sure if they’re fine — never really talked after the game and he never apologised for it, either.
However, there’s not a bad expression on his face when he approaches Hagrid to sit on the boat. The man calls Sirius with his hand, and he’s leaving Sybill’s side to join the twin, sitting in front of him.
“Do you know how to do this?” he asks.
“No idea,” he confesses, “but we need to be in sync, so collaborate, please.”
He smiles quietly, “I’m very collaborative, thank you very much.” He tries to look over his shoulder, but his sight doesn’t catch Gideon’s entire face, still, he can see a ghost of a smirk, “Okay, so, we start rowing in one… two… three.”
At first, it’s messy, and awkward. Sirius’ arms are slower than Gideon’s, but as soon as he picks up with the pace, they’re rowing quietly.
He wants to ask if Gideon hates him, and for a while, he’s remembering the conversation he overheard that night.
‘He’s being a prick, Rem.’
He’s right. Sirius was being a prick.
‘Were you really defending me or were you just sore because you never fucked anyone?’
‘Piss off, Remus.’
“Did we make you uncomfortable?” he blurts out without thinking much.
“What?”
“On the game. The day we arrived— you remember, right?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Did we make you uncomfortable?”
“Why’d you ask that?” there’s a genuine curious tone hanging there.
“Well– I noticed you didn’t drink much, and you were silent. Upset, even. And then you snapped at me, so I’m wondering if I did anything to piss you off.”
It’s quiet for a while, and Sirius doesn’t say anything more as they keep rowing, careful not to go too far on the lake. He tries to avoid mentioning how he eavesdropped on his conversation with Remus that night.
“Peter and James were being mean,” he feels Gideon shrug behind him.
“Why?” He knows why.
“Remus is a very private individual. I just got angry at how they basically outed him to people he didn’t know.”
“And you snapped at me because…?”
“Because you were also being mean to Remus. Not during the game, but before that. Seriously, what did he even do to you?”
“I’ve apologised already.”
“I know.”
“Okay.”
They’re back to silence again, and Sirius gulps uncomfortably. He’s still not sure if things are 100% okay with Gideon, because with him, it’s impossible to know. He’s mean by default — which resembles his brother a lot; maybe that’s why Sirius knows how to deal with him.
Still, Sirius feels rather awkward, because Regulus is his brother, and no matter how much of a knob head he can be sometimes, love was still there. It’d always be.
Gideon, though, was his best mate’s brother. There wasn’t a contract that specifically stopped him from hating Sirius, or not wanting his presence at all. And the fact he doesn’t speak much doesn’t help. If Gideon ever decided Sirius was the worst human being to ever walk on earth, there was nothing Sirius could do to change that.
“I’m asexual and aromantic,” the sentence breaks his thoughts and his body almost freezes completely at the confession.
“What?”
“I’m asexual and aromantic, I–”
“I know what that is, Gid,” he cuts off, “But why are you telling me?”
“You asked if you made me uncomfortable, I’m telling you why.”
“Oh. The sex questions?”
“I’m okay with talking about sex, and romance. I’m not– sore about it,” he sighs, “but in the middle of everyone… I don’t know. I don’t handle alcohol very well, so I felt pushed aside, and then you were pissing me off, and then James and Peter messed with Remus and I snapped.”
Sirius nods at the explanation, not sure what to do with that, “Thank you for telling me.”
“Don’t worry.”
“And I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry,” the boat starts slowly turning around as they start returning, arms sore from the effort.
There are more students rowing with them. Some fighting, others working just fine, and some chatting more than actually rowing. He can see Macie Polliwog and Lillian Jackbuck laughing in one spot, boat completely still as they try to catch their breaths unsuccessfully. Hunter Cross and Myrl Rabbot are screaming at each other — he can’t really blame her, because Cross is pretty annoying. Sirius is glad to not be paired with him.
“Wanna know the best part of being asexual?”
“Mm?” Sirius hums, not realising Gideon has been speaking at all.
“You have the best radar to see when two people are hooking up or not.”
Sirius laughs. He doesn’t really doubt it, but is not sure if he’s right or not — after all, people could just be pretty close. Like him and James. There was a time in middle school where everyone was sure they were gay.
They are, but not for each other.
Since then, Sirius stopped speculating about those kinds of things without any concrete proof, because most times, it’s just nonsense gossip.
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah,” he lets out, “See James and King right there?” the boy let’s go off the row, pointing to their left. Sirius follows his finger, watching Kingsley sitting with his chest pressed against James’ back. They’re laughing, — a weird sight — and Kingsley is then dropping his head on the other’s shoulders, James looks back, wide smile and bright eyes behind the frame of his glasses, “They’re totally shagging.”
“Wha—” Sirius is ready to argue back. James and Kingsley can’t stand each other. For years they’ve avoided letting them be in the same place. They were incompatible; but when Kingsley lifts his head, meeting James’ gaze, Sirius stops himself in his words. There’s almost a visible sparkle coming around them when their eyes meet. James is genuinely happy, his smile just grows even more once he watches Kingsley laugh with his belly, “Shit,” that’s all he says.
When?How?
Sirius would’ve been the first to know if they were together. They could not be together.
Then, Kingsley is slapping James’ arm, and the boy is looking forward again, their bodies pressed together as they row in sync, soft smiles hanging on their lips.
They really were shagging.
“How’d you know that?”
“It’s clear as crystal water, Sirius,” Gideon shrugs, “Bonus point for me being King’s best friend. Bonus point for me having private information.”
“What private information?!”
“It’s private for a reason.”
Sirius almost lets go of the row, “They’re shagging?”
“Yup,” he pops the p.
“Why didn’t James tell me?”
“Don’t ask me, mate. He’s your best friend.”
⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆
There are hands all over James’ body. Loud noise is coming from outside as he’s leaning against the bathroom door of Fabian’s cabin. The light is dimmer than his cabin’s bathroom, but the small window above the toilet helps a little; the Sun far too strong.
He’s sweating, both because of the weather, and because Kingsley’s mouth is hot.
“Oh shit,” he breathes out, trying to grip on his hair, but it’s far too short, and it slips off his fingers. The boy licks the spot under James’ ear, and he’s gasping for air, “Fuck, hurry up.”
“Sush,” he whispers in his ear, biting onto the lobe. James presses Kingsley closer by the leg he has around his hips, and throws his head back when his erection is frictioning on his lower belly.
“Please,” he pleads, and feels a smile against his skin.
Kingsley pulls away, staring at James with angry eyes. His stomach is on fire, and there’s a snake strangling him.
He needs him right now. Not want. Need.
“What do you want?” he asks in a deep voice that makes James whine, closing his eyes.
“I’m so hard, please King.”
“Mmm.”
“Fuck,” he shoots his eyes open, knowing exactly what the other wants to hear, “Blow me.”
Kingsley smirks, and then, he’s dropping to his knees. James breathes out happily, resting his head against the door as his hand follows his head down. His belt is being open, and adrenaline runs through his veins when he remembers how risky this is.
Fabian or his other roommates could walk in any second. They could be caught when walking out — James smiles at the thought.
He loves this more than expected. For so long, he believed that being kept a secret was something no one deserved. But he liked it. He liked sneaking around with Kingsley, making out with him against a tree in the middle of the night, and then blushing when he realised they hadn’t given a sign of life for 15 minutes. He liked not having their friends knowing how they twisted their hate into lust. He liked being Kingsley’s secret.
At least, for now.
His mind goes blank the moment he feels a hand wrapping around him, and moans quietly, smiling as wide as ever.
⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆
“Fabian!” Sirius shouts, “Give it back,” he leans over the table, but Fabian raises his hand, shaking the polaroid Amelia took of Sirius embarrassingly distracted by Remus stretching out, arms behind his head, and then up. That particular movement lifted his t-shirt, showing the tiniest bit of his stomach. No one can really blame him for it. Remus is pretty, “Give me that shit back!”
“No, no, pretty boy. I wanna see the pic once it’s revealed,” he teases, and Sirius thinks about turning to Amelia for help, but as the one who took the picture, all she does is chuckle at his desperation.
“You guys are the worst friends ever.”
“Why are you so embarrassed, Padfoot?” Amelia crooks her head, “You’re scared everyone will see how much you fancy him?”
Her voice is loud, and Sirius can see Remus’ head twitching slightly from across the table.
“Lower your voice before I shave your head,” he threatens, “I don’t fancy him.”
“Then what’s wrong with the photo?”
“I– I look bad in it. It’s not even my best angle!”
“Bollocks. You always say every angle is your best angle,” with that, Sirius sits back down in a defeated breath.
“I hate you so much.”
Fabian looks back at the polaroid, and chuckles, “Amy, c’mere.”
Happily, the girl crawls to his side, sliding on the bench, and then, they’re both laughing.
Sirius rolls his eyes, “Oh, fuck’s sake. Lemme see that,” he stretches his hand, snapping the polaroid off the ginger’s head.
He looks down. It’s not a hundred percent revealed, but Sirius can see himself resting his chin on the edge of his palm, mouth slightly opened as his eyes observe Remus. He’s not even visible in the picture. Sirius’ eyebrows are slightly raised. There’s nothing wrong with the picture. No one would know he was looking at Remus — but he did, and so did Fabian and Amelia, and for that, he doesn’t want a soul to see this.
“I hate you,” he repeats, lifting his head. Fabian is still laughing quietly when he tries to get the polaroid back, but Sirius quickly withdraws his hand, “No. Lord knows what you’re gonna do with this. Probably gonna show it to every person here and spread misinformation about my nonexistent crush on… Remus,” he whispers the name, and carefully buries the polaroid on his pocket.
Neither Fabian or Amelia fight that, “Fine,” the girl says, “keep it as a memory for your future family album photo.”
The boy chuckles, and Sirius flips them off just in time for James to sit next to him, panting.
“Where the fuck have you been, mate?” Fabian asks.
James missed lunch. God knows why. He had disappeared after rowing, and Sirius didn’t find him in the cabin when he went there to change into his own clothes. So, when they all got to eat, and James wasn’t there, Sirius made sure to still get his lunch for when he decided to show up — it’s rather cold, but it’s still food.
“Sorry,” he says, “I was—” his eyes travel between his friends, “hiking.”
“Hiking.” Amelia repeats, searching for the sense in that.
“Yeah,” he breathes out, “I love hiking.”
Sirius turns his head, just to watch James’ face. Instead, his eyes fall on his neck, and his throat goes dry as he bites down his lip. He glances at Amelia, who squinted at James. Fabian, on the other hand, was staring at Sirius, restraining his laugh.
“You mean hickeys?”
James’ head lifts so fast Sirius is worried about a possible neck pain. A laugh wraps around his throat as he covers his mouth.
“Excuse me?”
“Hiking,” Fabian teases, “You pronounced it wrong.”
“No I didn’t.”
“You said hickeys.”
“No. You said hickeys.”
“No?” Fabian frowns, “I said hiking.”
James looks between Amelia and Sirius, who couldn’t even stand looking at the boys.
“Pads, I said hiking, did I not?”
“Mm?” he swallows his laugh, eyes glimmering with tears, “No, Jamie. You said hickeys.”
James’ face goes blank, and there’s a part of him that feels bad for gaslighting his own best friend. Yet, it was the funniest thing ever at the same time.
“Oh,” he breathes, “Sorry, then. Hiking. I was hiking.”
“Where?” Amelia puts a curious face on.
“Uh— here?”
“James,” Fabian finally calls, “Have you seen a mirror?”
“You guys are creeping me the fuck out.”
“Who are you shagging?”
“Shagging?” he laughs nervously, “I’m not shagging.”
“So who did that?” Sirius throws his hair back, pointing to his own neck, and James looks down as if he could see his own skin.
Then, he’s sighing loudly, “I’m smarter than this, I swear.” As soon as he closes his mouth, Fabian, Amelia and Sirius are chuckling, “Stop!”
“Who?”
“I mean, it was clear you were into someone,” Amelia states, wiping the ghost of tears in her eyes.
“I know who,” Sirius cuts in, “It starts with a K and ends with an Y.”
“You little fucker–” James exclaims, and Fabian and Amelia share a look before scrunching their faces in shock.
“You’re serious?!”
“Please shut up.”
“When?!” she kicks his leg under the table, and James hisses.
“I can’t tell you,” he says, voice low.
“You can and you will,” Fabian states.
“I can’t!”
“Why?” Sirius presses, shifting his body so his head would be facing James at all times. The boy is looking at his plate, and poking the carrot with the fork. He mumbles something that neither of his friends can catch, “Louder,” a higher mumble.
“James!” Amelia pleads.
“The day of the race!” he lets out, lifting his head, “That night. In the woods.”
Silence. Sirius’ jaw drops carefully as he stares at his best friend.
Although the funniest situation they have ever been in, Sirius cannot contain the urge to strangle James. He blinks, and blinks, in hope he had heard that incorrectly.
“Are you kidding?!” Fabian grunts, “That’s what happened? You decided to nearly kill all of us because you were sucking cock?!”
“Lower!” James hisses, “We didn’t shag.”
“You lied,” Sirius accuses, “You said you got lost because you started fighting.”
“That’s true!” he defends himself, staring at Sirius with his stupid big eyes, “Sort of…”
“What the fuck do you mean ‘sort of’?!” Amelia gesticulates.
“We started fighting, but then— well, then he pinned me against a tree, and when I realised we had been making out for God knows how long. Then I heard Fab and Lil talking, and we stopped,” he explains, “So technically, I half-lied.”
“There is no half-lying!” Sirius argues back, “We thought you were dead!”
“I’m sorry!” he whines, “It just happened.”
“And what now? You’re dating?”
There’s a pause where James seems to be considering, “No,” he eventually says, “We’re just hooking up.”
“Thought you hated his guts,” Fabian comments.
“Mm,” James finally puts the carrot in his mouth, “I still kinda do. But man– is he hot.”
Sirius shakes his head, frustration still in his chest. James was an absolute knob head, that’s for sure — giving everyone a heart attack over absolutely nothing. Still, he can’t stay mad at James, so he smiles.
“Honestly, this is unbelievable,” Sirius mumbles.
“How’d you know?” James asks, “That I was with me.”
“Rowing,” he replies, “You were looking at each other like you were the only ones in the lake,” he shrugs, “It could be felt, mate.”
James analyses his face for a bit, eyes wandering around Sirius until he’s nodding carefully, “Does anyone else know?”
“Gid. I don’t know if our friends have noticed though, will you tell them?”
“Kinda want to keep it private for a while. Is that okay? Can you guys not let this go outside this table?”
They shake their heads positively, and the table goes to silence as James eats as fast as he can so they could join the rest of their group outside.
⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆
“Finally!” Lily whines when the four of them approach the group at a table outside. There’s Uno cards all over it, “Wanna play a bit?”
“Nah,” Fabian declines, “I hate Uno.” Kingsley, who’s sitting next to Peter, reaches his hand up to high-five Fabian. Sirius notices James glancing at him, and then, Kingsley is looking back, a phantom of a smirk that sends James away for a bit, walking to the other side of the table to sit besides Mary.
On the other side, there’s Marlene, resting her head on the girl’s shoulders — Sirius wonders if they already told their friends, or if they just don’t know how to keep an affair secret at all, because Mary’s arm is wrapped around her shoulders, stroking her arm with her thumb.
Sirius places himself on Sybill’s side, and the girl hides her cards, “I’m not even playing yet,” he defends himself.
“Eyes away, Sirius,” she giggles, and Sirius rolls his eyes in a smile before reaching for the deck, separating 7 cards for him.
Besides Kingsley and Fabian, everyone is on the game. Naturally, Sirius is losing, because he hasn’t played it more than twice in his entire life. Mary, on the other hand, had the best strategies — which is shocking, because Emmeline is the best Uno player Sirius has ever witnessed.
Gideon, as competitive as he is, groans every time he gets a +4, insulting the person, no matter if it’s Remus or Mary.
For long minutes, the table is drowned in laughter and frustrated shouts; until Mary wins the first place, and she’s jumping off the table to run around in a loud celebration howl. Marlene watches her with shining eyes, and shakes her hands when Mary is back at the table, this time, watching.
Emmeline wins next, and that doesn’t shock Sirius at all.
Then James, Peter, Gideon, and eventually, there’s only Lily, Remus and Sirius in the game.
“Oh, c’mon!” Sirius grunts when Lily puts two +4 cards, right when Sirius only had three in his hand. Remus lets out a delicious laugh, and he isn’t sure if that makes him more frustrated, or a little bit more relaxed.
“You will never win, Pads,” Lily shrugs in a proud smile.
“Keep talking as if we all haven’t lost already.”
It takes a while, but finally, Sirius manages to win. He doesn’t actually win, because he’s 3rd to last, but he still shouts, throwing his hands in the air. Sybill puts her hands up, and he interlocks their fingers, celebrating with her.
“You got lucky,” Remus teases.
“Whatever floats your boat, country boy.”
Remus smiles shyly, but returns his focus to the game.
“You can do it, Lils!” Marlene encourages from Mary’s side, she’s now shamelessly holding her hand.
He shifts on his seat, trying to sneak Lily’s cards, pretending to stand up to adjust his trousers. From that sight, he sees just one red card, and sits back down, throwing his legs off the bench, and walking to Remus’ back, leaning down to see his cards, “Pull the change colours one,” he whispers, and Remus stills for a bit, “I saw that Lily only has one red card, so if you change to red, you’ll kill that card. You have three reds, so she’ll have to draw more cards, and you’ll be left with just one.”
“Oi!” Lily snaps, “No cheating!”
“I’m not!” He throws his hands up in redemption, straightening his back, “I was just seeing his cards.”
Lily squints at him, and looks down. Remus lifts his head, and Sirius allows himself to wink at the boy, who gave him an upside down smile before doing what he was told.
Needless to mention that Remus won. Lily throws her cards down in a defeated grunt, and Sirius jumps off the table to hold Remus by his shoulders, shaking him in a chuckle. His hands lay on Sirius’ as he laughs along.
“You cheated!” Lily accuses.
“Accept you’ve lost, Lils,” he shrugs, “Remus here is just a Uno genius.”
“A Uno genius who got second to last,” he replies, lifting his gaze. From that position, he’s resting his head on Sirius’ stomach.
“Let’s take a pic!” he hears Amelia say, but her voice is wobbly and distant.
His smile is weak as he maintains eye contact with Remus. His eyes are being targeted by the Sun, and Sirius then notices it doesn’t always border the green, because from this light, his eyes are golden; and it matches perfectly with his skin, and his scars. There are some light freckles across his cheeks as he smiles at him — his stomach flips, but he can’t move. His hair is falling down his face, but Sirius doesn’t dare move, not when Remus’ thumb starts stroking his hand. Not when their friends, the entire world disappeared just because Remus is looking at him, touching him, smiling at him so dearly.
But then, the moment is broken when Mary kicks Remus’ leg, and he lets go of Sirius, “We were taking a picture, wanker. Pose.”
“What?” he mumbles.
“Pose,” she orders, and Sirius looks at Amelia, who already had a polaroid in hands.
“Shake it,” James asks.
“No,” Sirius says, “You don’t shake polaroids, James. If you do, it can damage the photo. Just let it reveal by itself.”
He walks back to where he was previously sitting, a weird sensation now sitting on his stomach as Amelia turns around, pointing the camera at them to take one more picture.
Sirius throws his arm around Sybill’s shoulders, embracing her as she holds his wrist, and smiles. A few more seconds, and the picture is being taken.
“Now, with the couples. If you’re single, boo-hoo for you.”
They laugh, and the positions start being changed. Mary and Marlene stay in the same place, and Sirius can’t help but feel his heart warm for them.
Peter is now with Sybill, standing up. They’re hugging, waiting for the picture to be taken. Lily sits on top of the table, while Gideon pushes Kingsley to the side so he’d be closer to James. Emmeline is sneaking her head behind Amelia’s shoulder, careful not to block anyone.
Fabian is standing on the other side, flashing a thumbs up to the camera.
Sirius isn’t sure what to do, but seeing Remus sitting across from him with such an empty space between them, Sirius lets himself slide closer with a playful smile, “Running from me, Lupin?”
“Back to formalities, I see,” he smiles back, and Sirius feels his heart go comfortably cold.
They don’t really touch each other when the picture is taken. Sirius just rests his chin on his palm, and Remus supports his elbow on his shoulder, throwing up a peace sign.
The pictures go for quite a while, until there’s 6 of them across the table, mixed with uno cards. They’re all smiling in all of them — especially in the one Lily almost fell off the table and they were all either desperate or laughing.
Peter and Sybill were kissing in half of them, and Kingsley and James were always glued to each other, but not touching whatsoever.
There was one in particular that caught Sirius’ attention. The first one to be taken — Gideon has a serious face, not even quite posing. James is cleaning his glasses, Mary and Marlene are smiling while holding hands. Peter is making a peace sign and Sybill is grinning wildly. Lily is standing next to Emmeline, soft posing as well.
Sirius and Remus, though, were the only ones who didn’t even notice the picture was going to be taken. They were looking at each other; in that one position Sirius lost himself in.
He can’t stop staring at them, trying to figure out what he feels about it. He cannot see his eyes very well, but he can see Remus’ smile. Then, he concludes it’s the prettiest smile he has ever seen, and that the filter just makes him look gorgeous. His hands are over Sirius’, touching it so carefully.
He gulps, because his heartbeat is going fast.
“Can I keep this one?” he asks, raising the polaroid, but not showing which one it is.
“Let me see,” Amelia asks, stretching her hand, but Sirius withdraws his.
“No,” he notices his voice is too sharp, and then, softens, “Everyone is just distracted in this one. Just a little memory.”
She frowns, but still nods, and Sirius takes one last look before putting it in his pocket, alongside the cafeteria one.
He’s looking at the floor, thinking about it when he feels someone poke his shoulder. In a slight startle, he shakes up, and sees Remus standing there, looking at him.
“Wanna go for a walk? I’m bored.”
Sirius nods, inattentive. He doesn’t want to go for a walk, at least not with Remus. But he still says yes, because part of him actually does.
⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆
He’s kicking rocks in the way. It’s silent, and they don’t really say anything to each other. Remus has his hands in his pockets, eyes flying around, observing the camp as if it was something new, while Sirius is inside his own mind.
Confused would be a great word to describe what he’s feeling. Not sure when he went from despising the sight of Remus to needing it. Needing the scent of perfume and dust. Needing him to show how smart he is. Needing him around Lily, so he can be around him too.
He’s not sure what that all means, and it doesn’t matter how hard he thinks about it, he still doesn’t know.
“Today is actually nice,” he hears Remus say, and looks at him, being pulled out of his own mind, “It’s not as hot as other days.”
“Yeah,” he agrees. The Sun is still shining bright, and he still feels his skin glowing hot, but there is a soft wind that calms it down, “It’s nice.”
“You’re pretty good at rowing,” he randomly comments, as if he’s desperate to have something to talk about. Sirius then feels bad for being so absent right now.
“Am I?” he smiles, and Remus does too, nodding, “It was my first time, actually.”
“Really?!” his face widens, and Sirius knows he doesn’t quite believe it, “It looked otherwise.”
“I’ve told you,” he suddenly stops, and Remus looks back, “I’m a natural at everything I do.”
He’s not sure what made Remus laugh: His shrug, his playful smile or what he had said.
But it doesn’t matter, because Remus laughed. Hard.
Sirius feels his cheeks flush at it, heart jumping around in his chest. God, he wants to feel like this forever.
“You are.”
“Glad to know you’ve come to terms with it,” he concludes, and they’re resuming their path in silence once more.
Sirius is not sure where they’re going. They’re a bit far from the table now, on the bonfire’s left side. Taken by the fact they’re going straight forward, Sirius presumes the destiny is… the showers?
Nope, he thinks, because they’re not entering it but going behind it — into the woods?
“Where are we going?” he decides to ask once Remus is passing the showers.
“I don’t know,” he confesses, “There’s not many places to go.”
“Are you sure you want to go to the woods?”
“Sirius,” he looks to the side, making eye contact, “It’s fine. It’s not like I have a panic attack whenever I see a forest or anything.”
He sighs at the slightly annoyed tone, “I’m sorry,” he says, “It’s not just that. It’s just dangerous overall. We’re not supposed to be here without supervision, remember?”
“What’s the worst that can happen if we just stay behind the showers?”
He bites the inside of his cheek, giving in and walking beside Remus. They are then under the shadows of the trees, and Remus is leaning against the wooden wall. Sirius joins him, and is sent back to that race night.
He sees the boy taking off a cigarette packet from his pocket, and a lighter. Sirius laughs, “Did you come here to smoke?”
He shrugs when the cigarette is between his lips, “Our secret, right?” the question comes while he’s puffing the smoke out of mouth.
Sirius looks around. It’s green, and the sky is clear blue — such a beautiful sight compared to the creepy night breeze.
“This place looks less scary during the day.”
“It’s usually like that.”
The frequent silence and small talk push away all the good sentiments, because now Sirius is frustrated. He wants to talk, wants to hear Remus, laugh with him — but they’re quiet. Sirius can’t seem to come up with anything to prolong a conversation between them, and Remus seems a bit distant as well, now.
So, he clings to looking. He watches how Remus squints a little bit when the cigarette is on his mouth, to prevent the smoke from coming across his eyes. He watches the relaxed way he’s leaning on the wall, butt distant and legs stretched forward. He has one hand and his pocket and a relaxed look as he appreciates the trees moving quietly on their own accord.
Lord, he’s beautiful, he thinks involuntarily, and doesn’t do anything to stop it, because it’s true.
Remus notices it eventually, turning his gaze to Sirius as he takes a drag on his cigarette, “What?”
He doesn’t reply. Instead, he shakes his head slowly and shifts his body so he’d be facing Remus. They’re not close enough, but Sirius still feels his warmth. Their eyes are locked, and the world grows quiet for a while. He observes Remus cautiously, sees how he hollows his cheeks in when he’s taking a drag, and how his lips part and his teeth glue to each other as he’s expelling the smoke. He feels the wind moving his own hair and then he’s observing Remus’ hair, too. His mullet is not so fresh anymore, there’s hair growing on the side — it wasn’t like that when they arrived at the camp, so Sirius now knows Remus’ hair grows fast.
There’s a moment where he wonders when Remus has become Remus. And then, he’s remembering his terrified eyes, and his shaky body. He’s feeling the concern, and then he’s feeling the sadness in his heart when Remus told him his past. He eyes the scars, and wants to tell him that he loves them, because it didn’t matter if he had said it before. He needs to keep reminding Remus of it.
His eyes drop to his lips, and he swears Remus did the same. He shifts closer, and he hears his breath — cigarette between his fingers, but he doesn’t move.
Then, he’s being pulled out of all of it.
“There you are!” it’s Sybill. Sirius jumps, even if they weren’t doing anything wrong, and Remus is throwing the cigarette on the floor in a desperate motion. Sirius knows Sybill notices it, but she doesn’t say anything about it. “We were looking for you.”
“We were–” Remus clears his throat, “Chilling. Went for a walk. Let’s get going. Activities are about to start.”
When Remus is passing in front of him, Sirius drops his eyes to his feet, shame running through his body at the sudden realisation of his thoughts. Did Remus notice that?
He thinks so, because his tone is sharp and weird. Sirius wants to scream, but Sybill is still there, so he doesn’t.
“Are you okay?” she asks softly, and he nods.
“Yes. Don’t worry,” his smile is plastic, and although Sybill is eyeing him weirdly, she lets that pass too, and points to the camp with her head.
⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆