LUMINESCENCE

  ⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

  “I think I fucked it up, Lils,” Remus confesses in a sorrowful breath

  “Why?” 

  “Because I opened up more than intended.”

  “What’s wrong with that?” she asks, squeezing his hands, “Did he react badly?”

  Remus shakes his head, glum smile on his face, “No,” he says, “That’s the problem. How am I supposed to get over this silly little thing when he just made me…” a deep breath, “fall.”

  Lily blinks, raising her eyebrows in a soft motion, “You mean…”

  “I mean that I am not sure if this is just a funny awkward obsession, Lils.”

  She sighs loudly, “Oh, Rem,” Lily clicks her tongue, and Remus lets himself be embraced by her. It’s shameful, really, the fact that Lily pities him for feeling something for Sirius. If she knows it won’t happen, how could Remus ever believe otherwise?

 ⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

  Sirius isn’t sure how they got so lucky. Now, sitting by the cafeteria, they share stories about last night — Emmeline tells how she was actually almost caught, but found shelter behind a tree, pushing Kingsley to a nearby bush so he wouldn’t get caught by McGonagall either.

  Amelia hid herself behind someone else’s cabin, while Fabian and Lily managed to reach their room safely. 

  Marlene and Mary, on the other hand, got to the bonfire when there was not a single soul outside. Once they entered the cabin, Lily and Amelia were already getting into their PJ’s.

  They confess to have lost track of time while talking and walking, but were still concerned. Sirius believes it. 

  Weirdly, though, James and Kingsley do not seem as pissed as they should be at each other. ‘Hi,’ Kingsley would greet. James would look up, and gulp before replying ‘G’morning.’

  Maybe both of them shared a deep embarrassment for what they caused yesterday, or maybe all of it just shook their brains into the right place.

  Either way, they were sitting in the same place for more than 10 minutes without ripping each other’s eyes off — that was something.

  Sirius has his legs on top of Lily’s, and she’s stroking her thumb across his ankle as he forces the hat on his head down by its cap. It’s sunny, and Sirius genuinely feels worse than he did the night of ‘Never Have I Ever.’

  His eyes sneak into Remus’ direction, watching him sit on the floor, back against the cafeteria window. He’s looking at the group, but eyes far too unfocus. Quiet, too.

  “I wish I could have a dress like yours,” Amelia whines, pulling the edges of Mary’s pink floral dress, “But I saw it online and it was like 30 pounds.”

  Sirius scoffs a laugh, and that caught Remus' attention.

  “And?”

  The girl rolls her eyes, but before she could say anything, someone else is speaking, “Some people don’t have the money to spend whenever they please.”

  Sirius blinks at Remus, “Okay, but it’s a normal price for a piece of clothing–” he doesn’t have time to finish.

  “Normal price?” Remus raises an eyebrow, “You seriously believe that dress,” he points in Mary’s direction, “is worth thirty pounds?”

  “This top was more expensive than that,” Sirius pulls his strap crop tank top in a throaty chuckle. 

  “I mean– what is so special about that top? It’s just a bland uniform green. I’d pay 7 pounds for that, and I’m being generous.”

  He leans forward, elbows against his knees. Sirius opens his mouth, all eyes on him once again. But this time, not everyone was on his side. He could see the look on Mary, Kingsley, Lily and even Amelia’s face.

  Still, Sirius laughs, again.

  “When will you stop coming for us for everything we say?” James asks.

  “When will you stop making stupid classist comments?”

  Sirius bites the inside of his cheek, because Remus is angry. And James is now, too.

  “Classist comments?! Okay, look. I’m sorry if we didn’t think about low class people when talking about a fucking dress,” he throws his arms around, laughing sarcastically.

  Remus chews onto nothing, “You’re both so blind by your money it makes me genuinely sick.”

  “Can you stop making problems out of stuff like this?” Sirius almost pleads.

  “I only make problems out of things that are a problem. Some of us,” he circles his finger around, “buy one piece every three months because that’s what we can afford. If you’re lucky, it’s something you like, if not,” he shrugs, “too bad. It’s better than having nothing to wear.”

  “Jesus…” Sirius lets out in a breath, pressing his facial muscles together, “I don’t wanna fight, Remus. God.”

  The boy rolls his eyes, and stands up, “Not fighting,” he clarifies, “but I can’t stay quiet while you two,” he points between James and Sirius, “keep feeding on society’s problems.”

  “What? You’re saying that we’re contributing to oppression or some shit?” he asks rhetorically, but Remus still answers.

  “Yeah.”

  “Oh, fuck’s sake. We’re literally part of a minority, alright?”

  “But you’re still rich. Or are you not?” Remus steps closer, “You might not be white, James, but you’re still rich, and you’re still a little classist, spoiled brat. Sirius here?” Sirius gulps when he has a finger pointing at him, “He’s both white, and rich. Classist and spoiled, of course, because that’s part of the deal.”

  His stomach sinks at the word ‘spoiled’, and right now, nothing about Remus is brilliant — he’s just the same little pretentious boy he was last week. The same boy who thinks he knows everything about everyone. The same boy who makes being poor his entire personality.

  Sirius doesn’t have the time to even say anything before James is standing between him and Remus, shoving the boy away.

  “Shove off, Lupin. I mean it.” his voice is deep, scary; but Remus isn’t scared. Far from it. He just looks at him up and down, eyes landing on Sirius. 

  Lily grabs on his leg, “Rem…”

  “Lads, don’t fight, come on.” Fabian stands up.

  The cafeteria has their eyes on him, and he can see McGonagall approaching in fast steps.

  “Wow, wow, wow. What is happening here?”

  “Nothing,” James clears his throat, sliding his pointer and thumb across his nose, “We just– had a disagreement.”

  Remus’ eyes are still on Sirius. He’s breathing heavily and there’s some sort of conversation happening through their eyes. Sirius presses his eyebrows softly, almost as if he’s asking why. Remus’ Adam’s apple bobs carefully, and his eyes soften, almost as if he’s saying sorry.

  Yet, he doesn’t actually say it, because as soon as the visual contact is broken, Remus is leaving, ignoring McGonagall’s call for his name.

  Part of him wants to follow, to try and understand why he is so bloody defensive all the time, but Remus didn’t break his pride to apologise, so neither will Sirius, no matter how he is eating himself alive as he watches him go.

 ⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

  Sirius is quiet for the rest of the day. It’s Friday. Meaning that 5 days had gone by — 5 days and Sirius feels like he’s a different person than he was before.

  Remus’ words linger in his mouth. Not just about his insinuation and fake perception of what Sirius’ like looks back at his home, but the way he talked about money.

  His heart is tight as he sighs, poking the stick on the floor beneath him. He’s with Lily, Kingsley, Stubby Boardman and Doris Purkiss in the woods — they can still see the camp by where they stand, but Sirius’ mind can’t get itself to focus on the activity when all he thinks about is last night, and this morning by the cafeteria. He reckons Lily and Kingsley feel the same, because they are just as quiet.

  Neither Boardman or Purkiss will be finding different species of plants, either, because they’re snogging against a tree, and the paper is slowly being crumbled in between their bodies.

  Classist brat.

  Maybe he is one. But not because he means harm by that. His eyes land on Lily, who’s playing with a little flower in her hand as she lays on the ground. He knows by her face that she’s hurt. She doesn’t need to say it, just the way she looks at Sirius once he notices her presence and then stands up, throwing the flower on the ground and walking away says it all.

  He wants to ask what he did wrong. Maybe it was the jokes. But they were just jokes.

  He understands. Not everyone has the same opportunities in life — some kids don’t even have food in their hands. He’s aware of all of that. But… How is it his fault that clothing prices are relatively high? How is his fault that he thinks a squeaky bed is uncomfortable and a small, rusty bathroom is not the best thing ever?

  Sirius groans, and throws the stick as far away as possible. Nice. Now Lily hated him.

  Good job, Lupin. You got her all for yourself now, he thinks, but quickly stops himself. It’s not Remus’ fault.

  Remus has his reasonings. 

  Remus was a nice man, and he didn’t want to steal Lily, he just wanted to defend himself.

  Still, he can’t comprehend how Lily isn’t mad at him too, for just talking like he knows Sirius.

  You didn’t give him a chance, though. You know more about him than he does about you.

  He shuts his eyes, banging his head against the tree softly. Shut up!

  “Will you ever stop eating each other’s face and do something?!” Kingsley’s voice shakes his body and he’s opening his eyes

  Purkiss groans before pulling away from her boyfriend, throwing her head in a pissed off expression, “Why don’t you do something?”

  “Well, we would if you weren’t holding the papers with the species!”

  Boardman is rolling his eyes, taking the crumbled paper off his girlfriend’s hand before throwing it onto Kingsley’s direction. It nearly falls on the floor, but he’s quick to catch it.

  “Thanks.”

  He starts walking around, crouching over some plants and looking at the paper, and then back at them.

  Lily is standing still, looking straight at the floor in silence. Sirius wants to speak, but he doesn’t.

  He wonders if Amelia hated him, too. She was the one he made the comment to, after all.

  The breakfast makes its way up to his throat, and Sirius swallows in order to push it back down.

  There are loud shouting and celebrations coming from somewhere around them, and he knows that a group has found all the species. Their group is doomed because Kingsley won’t manage to find it by himself.

  There’s tuffling on his side, and his heart freezes as Lily sits next to him. He glances at her, but then looks away.

  It takes a few seconds until she’s speaking.

  “You’re a tosser,” she says, and he nods.

  “I know.”

  “I– I thought of all people you would understand,” her eyes are on him, and shame runs through his body, “I mean… Lord. You– you’re nearly homeless. You can’t stay in your house, and if you don’t want to go to James’ you won’t have anywhere to go.”

  He hears quietly, and nods again. She’s right. Lily’s always right. 

  As soon as he walks through that door, he won’t have anything. He won’t have his wide bedroom and his house workers washing his clothes. He won’t have where to be.

  There was James, of course. He’d always made it clear that his house was open for him — but Sirius didn’t want that.

  He didn’t want to be a burden. He wanted to be independent for once.

  Maybe he didn't think about what would cost to get there.

  “I’m sorry,” he decides to say.

 “It’s not me you should be apologising to. At least, not just me. Amelia is pissed, you should say sorry to her.”

  Sirius agrees silently, hoping that’s enough for Lily to know he really means it.

 ⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

  The cabin is quiet as he enters it. It’s been one hour since lunch, and everyone was outside, hanging out and having fun. James tried inviting Sirius, but his mind wasn’t in the right place for it. He wanted to be alone for a bit, set his thoughts straight without beating himself down for being a horrible person who hurts the ones he hurts the most.

  As he closes the door, he notices Remus smoking by the window, in the same position as the first time they’d been in this situation. This time, he isn’t startled, though. He just takes notice of Sirius and looks out of the window, focusing on his cigarette. 

  He doesn’t say anything as he walks to his bed, far too close to Remus. He takes his shoes off before carefully sitting on it. The squeak of the springs making him sick to his stomach — now for different reasons.

  He blinks at Remus. His foot rests on the edge of the window, and his back is leaning against the wall, eyes focused outside. It’s awkward.

  He should apologise. Remus deserved it. Although Sirius also deserved an apology for being called spoiled.

  He opens his mouth, and then bites his lip. The soft gasping sound makes Remus’ body freeze, but he quickly resumes his motion.

  “I— Hey, Remus?” he calls, and there’s no reply, “I’m—” words get pathetically stuck in his throat, “I know I’ve been a proper tosser.” He hoped that sentence would bring some humour out of Remus, but there isn’t anything hinting it. If he even smiled, Sirius wouldn’t know. That’d make him go quiet if he wasn’t so motivated on making things right, so, he stands up, walking to the place in front of Remus, “I’m sorry,” he finally says it, and that’s when Remus looks at him. Eyes sparkling in some sort of interest, “I know I can be a bad person, and I know that my comments were not and are not right.”

  “I’m glad you’re aware of it,” he replies with smoke in his throat as he spills it out, mouth aiming for the window instead of Sirius’ face, “The comments not being right, not you being a bad person,” he clarifies, and Sirius feels, at least, a little bit happier.

  “I— okay. Look, I understand that I have money, and that other people might not, and that throwing that at their faces, joke or not joke, is a prick move. But— I didn’t mean it like that, y’know?”

  “Sirius. It’s normal. Unfortunately, it is. It’s normal that you, as someone who grew up with privileges, and caring parents that gave you everything you needed, don’t see any reality outside of yours. And believe me, I am glad you got to grow in such environment, but it sucks when you’re on the opposite side,” Sirius’ throat closes, and he wants to tell Remus to shut up, but he doesn’t dare interrupt him, “I didn’t grow up with money, I still don’t have money. We have to constantly fight through survival instead of just living. Worrying if buying a new pair of socks will damage your bills. Pushing you aside so you can keep having a house.”

  “You’re wrong,” he says, and Remus blinks.

  “Excuse me?”

  “About me,” he’s quick to explain, “I’m sure everything you’re talking about is true, but not my part of it.”

  “So you are saying you aren’t privileged?”

  “No— yes. Yes and no. Remus— Remus I don’t have the life you think I do,” he finally lets out, and he sees a little frown coming from the other. Remus told his story, it’s time for Sirius to tell his, “I was abused my entire life,” he laughs acidly, “My parents suck, and I might’ve grown up with money, and power, but I didn’t get everything I needed. Maybe financially, but emotionally? Far from it.” Sirius breaths out, nose itching as his voice starts failing. He doesn’t manage to hold Remus’ surprised look, and shifts his attention to outside, “They don’t beat me up anymore, but the only reason I’m here is because they don’t care about me. I could die and they wouldn’t bat an eye. Probably wouldn’t even get me a proper funeral!” something slicks down his nose, and then he notices the haunt of tears in his eyes, he gulps, trying to push it away, and then, he looks at Remus. The boy is quiet, cigarette burning in between his fingers, “They hate things like this. My brother won’t ever get to experience this, because they’ll never let him. He— he’s a much stronger person, and a much better son, as I’m constantly reminded. They have these high expectations for him. Want him to turn out like them, because he will. He’s just a year younger than me, and yet so more successful. He wants to be a professional swimmer, and he will. He will, both because he’s amazing at it, and because my parents will support him through everything.” Sirius takes a deep breath, a lonely tear running involuntarily down his cheek, and he doesn’t do anything to stop it, “I– when I leave, I won’t be anything. I am not as good as my brother, or deserving of my parents’ love or attention. They won’t give me a life, I will have to fight for it. And you’re right. I am a classist, and I am a tosser who doesn’t see any reality outside of his. I am blind by money, but, Lord, Remus. If I don’t have that money, what do I have?”

  Silence.

  One, two, three seconds, and he’s speaking, “You’re brilliant, Sirius,” he says, throwing his cigarette out of the window, “You’re clever.”

  “But how does that matter? I don’t even know what I want to be. I don’t know who I am.”

  “Firstly, I am sorry. I’m sorry about everything I just heard, and I am sorry for making assumptions about your life.” It’s sincere, and Sirius finds himself sobbing, back of his hand against his nose. His mother’s voice is then on the back of his mind telling him he’s making this about himself. That he’s playing the victim once again, “And– secondly. it’s okay not to know. I understand that leaving your house will be hard, because you’d have to give up all that you have for the streets, basically. I have no idea what goes down in your house, I don’t know if it’s urgent, but you have a status, you have the grades, you have the mind to get a job in a blink of an eye.”

  He laughs through the tears, “So you’re telling me that I don’t leave my abusive household because I don’t want to be poor?”

  “Maybe not consciously, but it’s a fair concern. I mean– imagine you have the world in your hands and then it fades away? Wouldn’t that be scary?”

  “It’s different.”

  “Then why are you there?”

  He thinks for a bit, biting his lip to force himself to stop crying.

  “My brother?”

  “For what I’ve heard he’s more than fine without you.”

  “Thanks a lot, Lupin,” he scoffs.

  “I mean it. You’ve just said that he’s doing splendidly in life. Why would you have to settle yourself for abuse just because of him?”

  “I need to have things sorted out first! Do you want me to be homeless in order to prove something? To prove that I don’t think rich people are better than others and deserve a better life than others?”

  “I’m not saying that.”

  “But you’re implying it.”

  Remus takes a deep breath, and approaches Sirius, wiping the tears away with his thumb once he’s holding him by his jaw.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I know it’s a hard situation, and you’re right, you have to sort yourself first. You have to get a job, raise money and leave. But it’s okay to admit you’re scared of losing it all. You said it yourself.”

  He shakes his head softly, “I don’t know if I can do it, Remus.”

  “You can.”

  His eyes are then closed, tears streaming down his face. He drops his head, holding Remus’ wrists, “I try so hard,” he admits, “I try to be the best version of himself, but I’m not you,” his head lifts, “I am not naturally clever.”

  “Are you kidding? You’re a smartass, Sirius,” he laughs through his nose, “And I’m not just talking about school, but in general. You’re smart.”

  “But do you know how hard I try?”

  “Do you? Or do you think you’re putting in effort when it’s just part of you?” Sirius rolls his eyes, and bends over to sob again. None of those words making sense in his brain, “You’re clever in your day-to-day life. You’re smart and brave for even admitting the abuse you go through. You’re smart and brave for knowing how stable you should be before storming off— most people I know would leave their houses and then crash their heads on a wall as soon as they realise the world isn't as soft as the money you previously had made it look. You’re smart and brave for realising that some attitudes of yours project ideals that are harmful.”

  Sirius doesn’t realise, but he’s resting his head on Remus’ shoulder, calming himself down at the words, and nodding along.

  “I just want to be a better person. I don’t want to lose anyone else. I don’t want people to hate me.”

  “No one hates you, and no one will leave you.”

  “It’s just scary, Remus. Very scary. I can go live with James, but I want to be independent. I want to have a life where I don’t feel like I’m weighing on someone else’s shoulders. I want a life where I don’t feel like everyone else around me is better than me.”

  Remus’ hand strokes Sirius’ back, and this sort of proximity feels right.

  “You’ll find your way to all of that,” he reassures, and Sirius hopes those words linger around as much as his parents’ insults.

  He steps away, wiping his tears away. Remus’ hand is still on his back, making them almost intertwined. He then notices how he’s placed between Remus’ legs.

  “Teach me how to be better,” he begs.

  “Taking the ‘me being a teacher’ thing far too seriously, I see,” he teases, and Sirius rolls his eyes in a sobbing laugh.

  “Piss off.”

  “I can’t teach you what you want me to teach you, Sirius,” he confesses, smile dropping, but there’s no sharpness in his tone, either, “I can explain to you how millionaires suck arse, and the struggles that low class people have to go through because the world is made for said millionaires; but I can’t teach your way out of that sort of mindset. Life will do that for me.”

  “Then do that,” he asks, “Tell me everything about it, and I’ll work with that.”

  And Remus does. At first, they’re still by the window, Remus talking and Sirius listening. Then, they’re on his bed, their knees touching and Sirius’ feet between his legs. Remus is calm as he talks, although sometimes, anger takes the best of him when talking about his struggles. He talks about how his mother gave up on buying things for herself just so Remus could be at the camp, because she thought it mattered more. He talks about how to move to the city, it took decades of his parents’ marriage to raise enough money to pursue a better life. He talks about how rich people will get employed faster than others, simply because they can. He talks about capitalism and the unfair distribution of wealth and power. He explains it all, and Sirius listens.

  He listens quietly, nodding along and poking his thigh with his foot to reassure him that he was paying attention.

  Hours go by, and Sirius finds himself whining internally when James and Peter are entering the cabin.

  Peter stares at the boys, and mutters his greetings. James, on the other hand, has his jaw clenched at the sight, and doesn’t say anything.

  “I’ll have a word with him,” Sirius whispers, leaning forward to squeeze Remus’ shoulder before heading off to the bathroom where James stood, washing his face.

  “So you’re back on the besties train?” James asks, because he knows it’s Sirius there.

  “I’ve talked to him, alright?” he closes the door behind him, “I told him he was wrong about making assumptions, and he explained the issues of what I say.”

  James scoffs, drying his face on the towel, “You didn’t mean to hurt anyone,” he says.

  “Yeah, but I still did. We still did,” he sighs, “It’s unfair, Jamie. It’s unfair to take our reality as the only possible truth.”

  He sees James gulp, “Okay. I get that, I really do, but… Lupin shouldn’t have snapped at us like that. It’s always us too. What about Marlene? She’s not poor either, is she?”

  “No, but she’s way more aware of society issues than us.”

  “I still think he was a prick for aiming at me and you like that.”

  The conversation stretches long enough for Sirius to try and explain everything Remus has been telling him. He leans against the door, while James holds the sink, making questions that sometimes Sirius wasn’t sure how to answer. It’s hard, and messy, but when James nods quietly, he knows that both of them had at least learned something from this situation.

 ⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

    Setting things straight with Lily and Remus was somehow easy. Not because it was easy, but because talking to Amelia was harder than Sirius thought it would be.

  She barely looks at him throughout the day, and everytime Sirius tries to get closer, he gives up, because she shifts uncomfortably at the presence.

  He has to thank McGonagall for pairing him up with her on the last activity of the day, or else, she’d be mad at him forever.

  “Mel, I’m sorry,” he mutters when the pink haired girl is aggressively throwing the horseshoe forward, clearly not making any effort for it to actually reach the stake on the ground ahead of them, “I was a prick–”

  “Yes, Sirius. You were a prick, and a twat, and you feel so bad because you’re such an awful human being and everyone hates you and the world should collectively apologise to you just because you said so,” she cuts in, hissing at him, “are we done now?”

  “Don’t speak like that,” his voice is low.

  “I don’t care, okay? It just sucks really hard to have my financial situation being made fun of by someone I consider a best friend.”

  “I am sorry, and I actually mean it,” he takes a step forward. Amelia exhales, and tosses the last horseshoe in her hand before looking at him again, “I thought about it all day, and before Remus even explained things to me, I had already realised my jokes weren’t funny. I am truly sorry for making fun of you— I never meant it to come off that way, because I didn’t see how harmful that I was. Not just to you but everyone.”

  He watches her take a deep breath, stabilising herself down, “Okay. Apology accepted.”

  He blinks, “What?”

  “Apology accepted, Sirius. However, I will not believe you until I see changes.”

  He nods. It hurts, but… fair. Better than losing his best friend.

  “Sure. Of course. There will be changes.”

  “Words mean nothing.”

  “But… are we– are we cool?” he contorts his face, looking out for any hint of them being not okay. Amelia nods, face blank and unreadable. He hated that about her — the way she can just shut off when pissed off and no one ever knows what she is actually thinking, “hug?” He tries, and Amelia raises her lip softly before opening her arms in a sigh. Sirius’ grin is wide as he pulls her closer, “I love you, Mel. I’m sorry,” he says, squeezing her. She coughs, and pats his back.

  “Alright, alright,” she pushes his shoulders back, “I don’t like hugs.”

  “You’re so cold hearted,” he accuses.

  “And you’re so dramatic.”

  “Asshole.”

  “Wanker.”

  “Twat.”

  “Git.”

  “Muppet.”

  “Slag.”

  Sirius gasps dramatically, placing his hand against his chest, and that makes Amelia chuckle — yeah, they’re back to normal.

  Taking advantage of Hooch’s little attention on them, Amelia runs towards the four horseshoes across the lawn, cheating so they could actually compete. They don’t totally focus on the game, though — chatting about a little bit of everything: Emmeline, the rest of their friends. Peter and Sybill that later diverged to shared memories of Lily and James’ past relationship. They talk about school, and camp.

  And then, Amelia is winning with a grin, but instead of celebrating, she asks, “You and Remus, though.”

  That’s it. There’s no elaboration, and she just leaves Sirius standing there, gaping at her with a confused glare. Stomach ice-cold and brain blocked.

  “What?” he finally manages to say, successfully distracted from his loss.

  Amelia grins, and takes Sirius’ last horseshoe off his hand, tossing it and getting it perfectly around the stake, “You shifted from hating his guts to being unable to get yourself to live without him.”

  “That’s bollocks.”

  “It is not. I see how you look at each other.” She proceeds to collect her hair, tying it in a tight ponytail, and gently pulling out the two front locks of her hair, “Don’t look at me like that,” she eventually laughs.

  Sirius then realises he was staring at his friend, mouth slightly open and brain frozen in pure shock.

  He clears his throat, shaking his head, “We look at each other like normal…” the word ‘friends’ wouldn’t describe them the right way, but they weren’t strangers either. Sirius looks around, searching for the right definition, “people look at each other.”

  “Are you gonna tell me there is not a single bone in your body that is attracted to Remus?”

  He considers the question, blinking at Amelia.

  Of course there is. Remus was gorgeous. He had the prettiest golden skin he has ever seen, with some moles across it. His nose has this bump that makes it hard for Sirius not to look. His lips aren’t thick, but they weren’t thin either, and they were a lighter tone than his skin, bringing all his attention there. His hair is curly, and the mullet growing until the end of his neck was beautiful, especially when the front reached almost half of his forehead — besides his ear piercings.

  His eyes were hazel, and expressive. They were pretty, just like the rest of him.

  The way he dresses is mostly casual, but it looks good on him. It fits him.

  Needless to mention the scars. Sirius absolutely adored them. First, he thought it was just curiosity, that the sparkle would disappear once he knew what had happened — but now that he does, he’s just even more obsessed.

  “He’s very charming, but— I don’t fancy him.”

  “Are you scared?” the question shakes his brain off its place as he frowns, “of being with a boy, I mean.”

  “No! No, I’m not scared of being with a boy.”

  “I mean, you never have. Even after you came out, you never even kissed a boy.”

  “I don’t have to, do I? That doesn’t make me less gay. I just– I never found anyone special,” he shrugs. It’s true. He loves men, he really does. They’re pretty and Sirius could kiss them nonstop for days and never get tired of it. Touch their chests, and lick their Adam’s apple. Men are ravishing; but none of them were interesting enough. Fucking around with girls was easy, because Sirius didn’t feel anything for them — it didn’t matter if they were compatible or not, because the goal was shag, and that’s what they did. With blokes, though, Sirius really wanted it to be more, and one thing about men is that taking things seriously is not one of their virtues, “I’m waiting,” he then concludes.

  Amelia doesn’t drop her smile when she replies, “Remus is special. He was the only one who made you realise how much of a dickhead you can be when the subject is money.”

  “You’re taking credit away from me.”

  “Do you need credit for not being a shitty friend?”

  He rolls his eyes, “No, but I realised my mistakes before he talked to me. Remus just explained exactly why.”

  She nods, taking a step further to lower her tone, “Okay,” his arms are being held by her, long nails craving slightly on his skin, “but you can admit you want to shag the shit out of Remus.”

  “God, Mel, no. He’s– we are not even friends. We just met, seriously.”

  “Not friends?” she seems genuinely confused.

  “He’s friends with Lily, and I am her best friend. Then sharing a cabin and shit… just made us talk. Nothing more than that. Our friend groups are merging somehow these past days, so it’s inevitable. We are not friends. We barely know each other.”

  Her face is then unreadable, and Sirius can notice the moment she goes to an internal monologue before giggling.

  “You’re scared of rejection, are you not?”

  “That’s insane. You’re mental,” he points accusingly at her as she takes a step back.

  “You are attracted to Remus, and you do want to shag him, and that is exactly why you deny it! You’re scared of being rejected because no one has done it before, and the ones who did it were girls who you had no interest in whatsoever. Remus, though, Remus is someone you actually like, and if he tells you he doesn’t fancy you, that’ll crash your entire self esteem and you’ll cry yourself to sleep for a month straight before going out.”

  Her mouth is fast, and the way she’s talking resembles some of the murder mysteries he has watched before. She gesticulates in an excited smile as if she had just read Sirius’ entire mind.

  “You should stop reading romance novels, did you know that?”

  Amelia shakes her head, chuckling, “I know you, Padfoot.” She finally goes silent, analysing Sirius’ face before saying, “I think you stand a chance, though. He looks at you like you’re the brightest star in the sky.”

  “I am,” he shrugs, throwing his hair off his shoulder, deciding to ignore how that comment made his stomach do a backflip.

  Amelia doesn’t have time to press him about that subject before they hear Lily’s breath. The girl stops her jog, stilling tiredly between the two friends and holding their shoulders. Sirius and Amelia share a look before gazing at the girl attempting to speak clearly.

  “I have…” she takes a deep breath, letting go of Sirius’ shoulder to press her hand against her heart, “the biggest tea, ever.”

 ⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

  “Are you kidding?!” Sirius gasps, leaning forward as Lily stops talking in an agitated manner.

  “I swear. I heard like– these noises, right? And I was like, ‘oh, maybe it’s outside’ but those were Marls’ noises, because I've heard that.”

  “Ew,” Emmeline gives her a dirty look.

  “Oh, get over it. I saw you two banging on the school bathrooms and never said anything,” she scoffs, and Sirius widens his eyes, letting out a guttural cackle.

  “In the bathroom?!”

  Emmeline crooks her head, dropping her face at Lily, who shot her an apologetic smile. Amelia picks up a stick from the ground they were sitting in, tossing it in Sirius' direction. Without ceasing his laughter, the boy raises his arm, protecting his face.

  “It doesn’t matter, okay?! Can we talk about… Marls' situation?”

  “That’s far more interesting than my sex life, so please do finish your story,” Amelia encourages, and Lily clears her throat, straightening her back to project her voice better.

  “I’m only telling you guys because this has to be between girls… and Sirius, because he’s everywhere–”

  “Oi!”

  “–The thing is, I didn’t hear the bed moving, which is weird because those beds are loud. It was just Marls’ moans, and I thought ‘oh she’s masturbating’ but no, because then I heard Mary’s voice, and they were whispering to each other,” Sirius covers his mouth as the words echo softly through the space, “So they were either banging on the floor, or they simply don’t move when shagging.”

  “They shagged on a room with other people?!”

  “How did I not hear that!” Amelia whines.

  “You do have a very heavy sleep, love,” Emmeline throws her arm around her girlfriend’s neck, using her hand to pull Amelia closer by her head, leaving a kiss on top of it.

  “Wait, so like, they’re back together?”

  “I mean they were never together, were they?” Lily reasons, “They were, what? 15?”

  Sirius shrugs slightly, his eyebrows rising a bit. That’s true — Marlene talked about having a crush on her friend, Mary, and she did mention kissing her once or twice; but it was never a relationship. Sirius stopped seeing them together by the end of that same year.

  “This is a massive deal,” Emmeline states, “Like, that’s so romantic for them.”

  Amelia wriggles in her girlfriend’s hold, a devious smile growing on her face before she speaks, “Nearly four years after you had your first kiss, you find yourself sharing a room with that said person, and start hooking up. That’s true love shit”

  “And the thing is, how long has this been happening for?! Marls would’ve told us if it was something casual; but she’s not. I thought maybe she would say something during the morning, but she didn’t— then I thought I dreamt about those sounds; and then I was going to the cabin and I heard like loud as fuck noises. So I ran to tell you guys because I cannot believe this.”

  “I’m not sure if I feel extremely excited or bad that we are all collectively gossiping about our friend’s love life,” Sirius comments.

  “She would’ve done the same if it was me shagging our cabin mate,” Lily points out, and Amelia nods in agreement.

  Fair.

  “And that cabin mate is Mary MacDonald. I repeat, the same girl she kissed in 8th grade.”

  “Do you think it’s like– just a camp thing?” Amelia questions.

  Sirius bites the inside of cheek as he ponders. Mary and Marlene had been working smoothly together on every activity they were paired together. He then remembers how Marlene leaned on Mary last night just before James and Kingsley disappeared. To him, it was normal — they had been friends before; they had a history and some sort of intimacy. But now it makes sense why they were so touchy and why— wait.

  “Wait, girls,” Sirius jumps out of his place, and the three of them lift their heads in a curious motion, “Mary and Marlene only returned to camp after we were all in our cabins, right?”

  “Yeah…” Emmeline nods quietly.

  “That means they spent like 20 minutes or more in the woods, and they didn’t seem scared because they got lost or something— they just said they lost track of time. If Lily is saying they were shagging during the night and just a few minutes ago… that means they’ve been together for a while now, no? Who knows they weren’t just making out in the woods or some shit?”

  The girls share looks between themselves before Lily giggles, “Yeah. You’re right… Do you think they have been like… together the entire time?”

  “I have no idea, but I am weirdly invested in this,” he confesses.

  Amelia fakes a sob, “She’s in love.” A hand covers her mouth, earning laughter from Emmeline, who squeezes her closer.

  “We’re gonna wait. If Marls thinks she’s slick, she is wrong. She’ll eventually tell us, or simply give up because she knows we know,” Lily slides her pointer in the air, pointing to her friends.

  “This should be called ‘love camp’ or something,” Emmeline comments, “Pete and Syb are glued to each other even more than before, Marls is now shagging her old crush, me and Am are basically having our honeymoon, Sirius…” she takes a look at him, “Is working on it, James is definitely eyeing someone — I just don’t know who — and I swear I’ve seen Mulciber and Snape holding hands near the lake just the other day.”

  “You can’t expect anything else when you put 60 teenagers in a camp away from responsibility and parents,” Lily says.

  “Wow, wow, wow,” Sirius allows himself to cut in, “What the fuck do you mean ‘working on it’?”

  Emmeline’s eyes drop down to Amelia resting against her shoulder, the pink haired girl lifts her looks in an upside down smile, and then, is looking back at Sirius, “Oh, look who’s coming!”

  She points, and Sirius immediately looks over his shoulder. Remus is walking lazily, raising his hand in a wave. A soft smile in his lips.

  “Hi there Remus,” Emmeline greets.

  “Hi, can I join? The book I’m reading is far too good for me to finish it tonight,” he mutters, but still sits next to Lily on the tree trunk.

  “Hi, Remus,” Sirius calls in a breath, and the boy finally takes notice of him.

  “Hi, Sirius.”

  The familiar wool cardigan embraces Remus’ body. Sirius doesn’t know exactly when it happened, but the ugly orange and coloured sewed patches were now a comfortable sight. 

  “I can’t believe it’s Friday night already,” Lily sighs, throwing her arm around Remus’ shoulders to pull him closer, throwing her leg over his thigh.

  Sirius licks his lips once Remus’ attention is off him, and he’s sitting back on the floor.

  “I sorta don’t wanna go home,” Emmeline confesses.

  “Yeah, like I miss my phone, and my ma, but– it’s just so nice spending time here.”

  “Not ready to leave school,” Lily confesses, and Remus rests his head against hers, relaxing around her touch, “Adult life is scary.”

  “I don’t even know if I’ll even be accepted in Uni.”

  “I don’t even know if I want to be accepted,” Amelia laughs through her nose.

  “What are you guys pursuing?” Remus questions.

  “Law,” Lily says.

  “Computer science,” Emmeline’s smile is bright and wide, she’s always happy and proud to talk about her passions.

  “Psychology,” Amelia nods, “But I’m still a little bit… confused? I don’t know, it’s just a big deal and now that we’re graduating it’s like— becoming real.”

  “I get that,” Remus confesses, “I want to be a English lit teacher–”

  “Oh, that’s nice,” Amelia replies.

  “–and now I’m like ‘Wow, I’m really gonna do it’, y’know?” he lets a laugh escape through his nose, “It had always been just some dream, and now I am actually doing something about it. It’s pretty scary.”

  “You don’t have to be scared, y’know?” Sirius’ voice is soft, and Remus is then looking at him, “I know things will go smoothly for you.”

  There’s silence before Remus is saying, “Thank you,” it’s sincere, low, sweet.

  “I think I might stick with Film. I am not really sure if I want it, but I don’t want to lose my chance because I’m thinking.”

  “You wouldn’t lose your chance,” Lily states, “you have a whole life ahead of you.”

  He takes a deep breath, “Yeah, I guess. I’m just focused on getting a job as quickly as possible. Think I can manage part-time and classes.”

  “Is Uni really that big of a deal?” Amelia arches an eyebrow, “Do you want that, or do you think that’s just… the right thing?”

  He folds his arms, looking at the sky as he opens and closes his mouth. He doesn’t know what to say — maybe?

  Maybe he really wants Uni, and maybe he does not.

  University would open more doors for him than just High-School. However, at the same time, he wonders if his wish really is to stay home for longer just because he’s still studying. A part-time job would slow the process of saving money to leave, and with Uni, his life would just be even harder.

  At the same time, though, it’d be nice to aim higher in his professional career.

  “I don’t know,” he finally lets it out, shrugging while shifting uncomfortably on the ground, “If I don’t go to Uni now, when will I?”

  “Whenever you feel ready to,” Emmeline declares, frowning as if it’s an obvious thing, “Going to Uni isn’t an obligation. Fabian won’t go, for example. He’s gonna work at his uncle’s shop, and he’s okay with that. That’s the life he wants. Me, on the other hand, have another expectation for life, so I’m taking the path to get me there.”

  Sirius lets his tongue slide on his upper teeth, and nods, “Yeah, yeah. You’re totally right,” there's a wistful ringing in the air.

  “I’ve seen people starting Uni at 25,” Remus says, “Life doesn’t end when you turn 18. You don’t have to choose everything now just because High-School has ended.”

  Life doesn’t end when you turn 18.

  He blinks carefully at Remus, lingering on his gaze. Then, a smile grows on his lips, and finally looks away.

  “Can we stop with this melancholic shit?” he laughs, returning his eyes to his friends, and they laugh along too.

  “Yeah, let’s talk about how bad you are at horseshoeing,” Amelia mocks, and Sirius grunts in a roll of eyes.

  “Piss off! That’s not true.”

  “You didn’t get one point!” she argues back, moving off Emmeline’s hold to gesticulate excitedly.

  There’s now loud chuckles under the moonlight, and Sirius’ heart warms, forgetting the future for now. What mattered at the moment was this. His friends. The people he loves.

 ⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆