Chapter 06
From:[email protected]
To:[email protected]
Subject: Flowers and Signs
Dear R,
Your emails have a positive effect on me too, and this last one… I can't say how many times I've read it.
Now, about your work, you’re kind of bossy, aren’t you? I’m wondering what kind of project you’re involved in because I had assumed you were a botanist, but now I’m not so sure.
I’m so happy you liked the photos. If you felt like you were discovering something new at the same time as I was, I can consider my mission accomplished, because while describing things to you, I had the same thought in mind. I think what we have here is special, you know? We’re so far away, yet at the same time so close to each other. There’s so much we can discover together.
I never thought a swan would look at me that way, but I liked the idea, especially coming from you. Maybe it felt something, or maybe it just stopped there because it liked the place. But whatever reason it had for pausing, I’m grateful I got to share it with you. Thank you for turning a simple moment into something beautiful. You have that gift.
And of course, I’ll observe every little detail, especially because I want to share each one with you, R., and no request from you could ever bother me.
I’m sending you two more pictures. Look what I found, cyclamens!! Honestly, I probably would’ve overlooked them. It wasn’t my first intention to buy flowers, normally, I would have chosen something more obvious. Actually, I first saw them in the morning on my way to a meeting and took the first picture, thinking I’d send it to you. But they stayed on my mind all day, making me feel like I should go back and buy them. Seriously, there’s a flower shop on every corner in Paris, but this one, in particular, is right near the metro station where I get off, just five minutes from my apartment. I guess I couldn’t help but go back and get them, it felt like a sign. Now, every time I look at them in the corner of my living room, I’ll think of you. Not that I need them to do that, but still.
I also like the smell of wet grass, it’s comforting, though it reminds me of my childhood, which is curious in a way, because I don’t exactly find comfort in remembering that time.
If I was the most genuine surprise you’ve had in a long time, know that you’ve been something I didn’t even know I needed. Sometimes, before I fall asleep, I think about how crazy all of this is, I mean, talking to someone so far away, whose name I don’t even know, but who somehow feels like one of the most certain things in my days. I have to admit, I told my best friend about you, and at first, I think she didn’t quite understand what I was getting at, but then she asked me if talking to you made me happy, and I said yes. So she told me that as long as I feel this way, it doesn’t matter how crazy it all might seem.
You make me happy, R, and it's really nice to think that I have you as a friend now.
That being said, no, it doesn’t seem like an exaggeration to say that we trust each other, and that words can bring tears to our eyes. After all, for now, words are all we have of each other. It was like taking a shot in the dark, but it worked out so well. You trusted me enough to write, and I trusted you enough to write back. Not just once, but so many times now. And every day, I feel like you give me a new sense of hope.
That’s the beauty of unexpected connections.
I have to say, the idea that we are complementary, even though we are opposites in some ways, puts a silly smile on my face. And if we can give new meaning to the past, in whatever way that may be, I’d like to think that you can bring color to my gray days.
Sometimes, I feel like you say the kindest things to me.
Growing up, I went from being a quiet child to a teenager filled with anger, but even my anger was never voiced. After all, if my curiosity was repressed, imagine my feelings? It was often met with impatience or dismissed as unnecessary. But knowing that you enjoy it, I mean, me asking questions, being curious, that you don’t mind it, makes me feel… I don’t know, lighter, maybe. Like it’s okay to ask, to want to know more. And I will. About things, about the world, and about you. Especially about you.
I wish I could say yes, that I can move objects with my mind. I do, however, appreciate the comparison. And speaking of Matilda, Miss Honey was something special, wasn’t she?
You’re right, R, mothers shouldn’t make their daughters feel that way. For a long time, I kept asking myself what I had done wrong, what I had done so terribly that it resulted in the way she treated me. Her silence was cruel, you know? Because it said so much. She showed me how much of a burden I was, something she had to carry with her, never wanted.
Once, I asked her what I could do to be good for her, what I could change about myself to make her love me... She didn’t answer, she just looked at me for a moment with that same empty stare. I think that was when I understood. There was nothing I could do. It wasn’t about being better, more obedient, smarter, more anything. I simply would never be enough for her, and she would never be able to love me.
But her lack of love didn’t mean I didn’t miss her. I did. If I cried, she sighed. If I tried to hug her, she tensed up. If I told her I loved her, she wouldn’t respond. Before bed, I would ask the universe that, one day, she would look at me for just a few seconds longer and finally see something. I asked for her to run her fingers through my hair, to hold me, to tell me she loved me, to read me a bedtime story. Sometimes I would dream of her doing those things, but that version of my mother never existed outside my imagination.
For a long time, I felt bad for her. Had I ruined her life? She didn’t want me, that much was certain. That was the only certainty she ever gave me, something undeniable.
I think there are many questions I’ll never have answers to. And that’s okay, I understand that now.
Now, as I write this to you, I am the one with tears in my eyes, but it’s good to know where these words will land. I do have a voice, R, and even without actually hearing it, I feel like you know how to listen to it better than anyone.
I will tell you everything, and I will ask you many things, and I hope you do the same. We have all the words in the world and all the time we want. This space is just ours, something only mine and yours, something no one will ever be able to touch.
I'll tell you something nice that happened to me today, besides buying the flowers. I mentioned that the project I’m working on involves some meetings here and there, and I’ve had to interact with quite a few people. It’s an international project, which explains why I’m in another country. Today, one of the other people responsible for the project invited me to lunch. I was surprised, but I accepted. She told me that she had already seen my work and thought I was very competent and that made me really happy.
I think it’s funny that, despite talking to my friends on the phone, I usually spend my days in silence, so it was nice to have a casual conversation like that. Even though we started talking about work, it was really easy to shift to everyday topics. She’s not from here either, by the way. She’s from Norway, so it was interesting to exchange experiences and opinions and just chat with someone new.
It was a good day, in the end. But, I must confess, my favorite part is always writing to you.
Tell me something about your day, please, I want to know.
I’m glad my small contribution brought some color to your morning, and I’m happy that you listened to the song in a new way. You make my days sweeter.
I’ll hold onto that sweetness, R. Your words are a gift to me, truly.
A.
P.S. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings by expressing my absolute desperation upon learning that your parents had a tarantula. My condolences to Infinity, may she rest in peace. As for the name I would have chosen for a pet, I’ve never really thought about it... hmm, Scratchy came to mind, but I’m not sure if that’s a weird name.
P.P.S. I could never laugh at your middle name. I think it’s my turn to share something, in case you didn’t know: Althea comes from the Greek word Althos, which means “healing” or “health,” and it was always associated with someone who brings a sense of comfort or well-being. To me, it suits you perfectly.
Now, still feeling bold, I want to have something else to associate with you… What color are your eyes?
P.P.P.S. I like Christmas. When I was a child, I never really had a real Christmas. I only got to experience it later in life, so I appreciate every single one of them now. And about Halloween, did you go out dressed as a witch with Infinity as your companion?
*
From:[email protected]
To:[email protected]
Subject: A dinosaur
Dear A,
I could be mysterious about whether or not I’m a botanist, but I won’t. You got it right! I imagine you might have been a little confused by the things I’ve written recently, but that’s because I’m part of something innovative and quite important, I’d say. Who knows, maybe you’ve even heard about it...
I’d say I’m organized, but if bossy is the word you want to use, who am I to disagree, right?
And of course, I loved the photos. I like everything about you, everything I know, everything I have yet to discover. You have no idea how deeply your words move me, A. I think the feeling of being so close, even from a distance, is something I never imagined could be this strong. And like you said, we have all the time in the world, and, of course, all the words, too.
I’m glad you liked the idea about the swan. Sometimes we don’t even realize how a simple moment can hold meaning, but when someone shares their perspective, everything changes, doesn’t it? I love sharing things with you.
And, A? You have no idea how much I smiled like an idiot when I saw the flowers. Seriously. I’m so happy you went back to buy them, especially knowing they made you think of me. They’re beautiful, truly. If it’s a sign, I’ll take it as the best one possible. And if you’ll allow me to be a little selfish, I love the thought of you having something in your apartment that reminds you of me.
Life works in funny ways. You said you think about how crazy all of this is, and yes, I agree. It feels like something out of a teenage story, I have to admit, where two young girls stumble upon something and form a long-distance friendship. And well, that’s exactly what we’re doing. But that only makes it more exciting. I feel like you’re bringing back a part of me that I didn’t even know I had lost. And still, with every email, every new discovery, and every time I feel that rush of anticipation while waiting for new words from you, I feel a kind of freshness I haven’t felt in a long time.
And it’s really nice that you told your friend about this and that she understood and supported you. I told mine, too, I have to admit. But I told them right after I sent that first email, before I even knew if you would reply. One of my friends wanted to read cards to see if you would answer, you know? And she told me I just had to wait, that something far beyond what I could imagine was on its way.
She was right, after all. Just look at where we are now.
If you think I say the sweetest things to you, that’s only because when I’m writing to you, the sweetest words always seem like the right ones. And A, did you know I admire you? Because even though you were made to believe that your feelings didn’t matter, you still found space to be curious. You knew how to turn anger into something else, even though you had every right to express it. That’s admirable.
I’m glad you enjoyed the comparison. And, oh my god, yes! Miss Honey was indeed something special... glad to know we're on the same page here.
Now, I must say I’m so sorry, A. No one should go through that, especially when they’re a child trying to find their place in the world. I know words can never erase the pain, but I want you to know that, no matter what happened, you are not a burden. You should never have been made to think you needed to change anything about yourself to receive love. No one should ever think such a thing. The people who love us will love us for who we are, just as we are, with nothing taken away or added. I know the hardest part is that it came from the person who should have loved you most, but still, that doesn’t mean you should have been any different.
It’s not easy to accept that we can’t change what comes from others, especially when it’s someone who should have been the closest person to you. And it breaks my heart that this is something you had to deal with at such a young age. Sometimes, the emptiness they leave behind is heavier than any word or gesture. I’m so sad for everything that happened, for you feeling this way, and for you blaming yourself for something that was never your responsibility when all you wanted was what every human being wants: to be loved, to be seen, to be accepted.
I know it’s hard to see this clearly, but now you have more than what she ever offered you: you have a future ahead of you and the ability to surround yourself with those who see you and value you for who you really are. And I see you, A. I see you.
I also know there are no answers to all the questions we keep asking ourselves in our heads, but there are so many other questions to be asked. And for my side, I’ll give you all the answers you want.
I will listen to everything you have to tell me, every word, every feeling, without rush, because, yes, we have all the time we want. And I promise I’ll also tell you everything, ask you everything. This space of ours is far too precious to be anything other than what it is: just ours. And safer than anything the world could offer.
I’m so happy you’ve been recognized for your work. I might not know (yet) exactly what you do, but I still know you’re incredible at it. How could it be any different? And I’m also happy to know you had a good time today, that you were able to relax and chat. I hope you have more moments like that, but if you’ll allow me to be selfish once more, I also hope that writing to me continues to be your favorite part of the day.
As for mine, well... it’s a little unusual. I went straight from work to adjust a costume. Tomorrow is my niece’s 4th birthday, and let’s just say I won’t be just one of the guests. Tomorrow, I’ll be a dinosaur, by the way. I had to adjust the costume quickly, but it worked out. If it hadn’t, I think my sister would have killed me. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned that I have siblings, did I? But I do, three older siblings.
And your weekend, any plans?
Anyway, tomorrow will be a full day, and I’ll be the best dinosaur in the world. Now it’s my turn to share a photo. What do you think of my outfit?
Now, I’ll also hold onto this sweetness. And it’s not just because you told me that, but because you’re one of the sweetest surprises the universe has given me.
R.
P.S. Well, your loss. Tarantulas are amazing and so observant, okay? As for the name... Scratchy? I loved it! Señor Scratchy sounds cool too, what do you think?
P.P.S. Well, I did know that Althea meant "healing," but I didn’t know it was also associated with comfort or well-being. I still think it’s a weird combination when said along with my first name, but I liked learning this new meaning. And my eyes are brown, not completely dark, but still brown. My mom used to say they were cinnamon-colored. And yours, A?
P.P.P.S. I love that you enjoy every Christmas as you deserve. Tell me, do you wear Christmas sweaters and everything? As for me, I loved dressing as a witch, of course, but Infinity wasn’t my faithful sidekick in that, but I did wear a fake tarantula for about two consecutive years. Do you think little A would get scared if she met little R and her fake tarantula?