Chapter 16
We decide to go to a party on Saturday. We haven’t been since getting a detention, just because we thought it was safest, not that any of us (except Peter) minded getting caught all that much. The party should be pretty low key, it's one of James’ friends in year 12 on the footy team. We all get ready in James and my dorm because we have the eyeliner and things. Marlene comes around and helps me with the application. She attempts to put it in my waterline and mercilessly slaps my hand away when I squirm and reach for it. If the way Remus is staring straight into my eyes says anytning then I assume it looks alright. James comments that it makes the blue in my eyes pop. It brings me back to a memory of regulus, about 9 years old, looking up at me longingly, sighing as he exclaims how he wants to be just like me but can’t because his eyes are less blue. I tell him he doesn’t want to be just like me but that does little to console him. In fact it makes the situation worse. I then tell him he could wear contacts and his face brightens back up. Because of course wearing contacts every day is more of a feesable solution. I feel a small smile spread on my face at the memory but I quickly wipe it off. Gathering everyone out the door we head to the year 12 common room it's being held in. The year 12 year coodinator is notorious for not being all there and so they have had an easy time getting away with things. On the other hand ours, Miss Mconogall, seems to see everything.
The party has well and truly begun by the time we show up. James jumps right in dapping up the people he knows from football. Technichally I know them all too but its been a bit awkward since being kicked off the team. Once we all have a few drinks it all mellows out and I find myself in the middle of the dance floor surrounded by people dancing. I have no recollection of how I got there (I have a tendency of blacking out but functioning as though I hadn’t). Theres a few girls dancing quite close to me and I’m starting to feel the heat of the room go to my head. Needing to leave I say,
“I’m just gonna grab a drink,” it comes out quite slurred. How many drinks have I had?
“No no stay” one of them says reaching for my arm to keep me there. The contrast between Remus’ light grip to get my attention before our walk the other day to this girls grabby hands is evident.
“I’ll get you one!” Another girl chimes in. I sigh giving in, not having it in me to assert myself. She comes back quickly handing me a glass and gets back into dancing. More people have accumulated and I take a large sip of the drink. I have to refrain from spitting it out. Geez its strong, pretty sure its a mix of straight alcohol not even a mixer. The girls near me giggle and I get a bad feeling. All of a sudden I feel a hot breath on my neck and someones whispering in my ear, I flinch back and turn around to see a 12th year I vaguely recognize but can’t quite remeber the name of in my drunken state. He slides his hand on my arm still talking to me but I can’t process any of it. I turn my head my eyes darting around to find James. He’s nowhere to be seen, my guess he’s off making out with someone. I shouldn’t feel hurt it was never a spoken agreement but he looks after me in these situations. The guy doesn’t get that I’m clearly not interested as I keep looking around. My eyes latch on Remus leaning ever so effortlessly on the wall. I try to convey ‘help’ in my eyes and I think the message is understood by the way a wash of panic sweeps over his expression. The next thing I know he's venturing to the middle of the dance floor where he wouldn’t normally voluntarily be. He's close now and looking between me and this other guy with.. Is that a possesive expression. He taps the guy on the shoulder, when he's shrugged off its evident the anger in his face.
“Oi mate,” he says his voice low and not like I've heard it before. The guy then turns to look at Remus annoyed. “Mate get your hands off, were going now.”
“The only pace srrius iss going is with mee” He says slurring his words incredibly drunk. That doesn’t excuse the audacity on him. It takes Remus one glance at my shocked expression for him to wipe the other blokes hand off as if it were a inconsequential spider. He takes my arm in his and we start walking away me leaning on him for balance. The other guy taps me on the shoulder so I turn around halfway just as he tries to grab my arm Remus pushes him hard. Not hard enough for him to fall but so that people are starting to watch. Out of nowhere the guy swings at Remus hitting his cheekbone. It wasn’t with too much force because of his innebriation. While he’s staring at Remus wide eyes, shocked from what he did we take his distraction from his action as a window to leave. We are walking back, me stumbling and remus helping me along. Remus has always been better at holding his alcohol but I’m normally better than this. We arrive at my dorm and James isn’t in. We walk in and sit on my bed. I try and steady my mind to get it to stop the spinning. I glance to my right where remus is seated and see the light purple slightly swollen bruise on his cheek. My eyebrows shoot to my hairline and Remus takes notice.
“Its really nothing, can hardly feel it.”
“Look what that stupid git has done to your beautiful face moony” I say reaching my hand lightly gliding my fingers along the bruise. I get up wobbly and head to the bathroom as Remus calls after me. I get a cloth and rinse it under the cold water then come back and meticulously swipe it along his cheekbone in an attempt to reduce the swelling.
“Oh Remus” I say looking up through my eyelashes to see him looking devastatingly good in the yellow light looking down at me with such fondness. My heart tugs with yearning and I drop the cloth. I bring my hand and caress his face without the cloth. Lowering the movement this time to swipe his jaw, down his adams apple then to the top of his scar and back up.
“Sirius” he says sounding choked and breathless. Oh even the way he says my name is perfect.
“I don’t deserve you Remus, in any capacity, I’m ruined, tainted, broken and selfish. So selfish because I want nothing more than to bring you in and taint you.”
“Sirius” he says again.
“But it would be a lie, because if you knew..” I choke on a sob in my throat feeling a tear run down my face. “If you new you’d be so disgusted you wouldn’t let me near you and I can’t have that. I’d die without you remus. Die.”
“Sirius please.” I look up right into his eyes cupping his face he brings up a hand of his to cup mine. We look into each others eyes for a beat. I break away from Remus’ imploring gaze glancing down instead. He lightly grabs my chin to tilt my head back up at him and the peacefulness of the moment is broken and I’m snapped back there back with his rough hands and whispered threats. Back with the sound of my pleas then the silence as I give in and keep giving in. Because Orion was right it's my own fault. I jolt myself off the bed to sit on the floor against the wall huddling in on myself, murmuring quitely that it's my own fault and at least it wasn’t Reggie, how it couldn’t be Reggie. I may not have always been able to save him from our parents' hits but I could protect him from this and so I did. The memories flood over me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to erase the memory of those calloused hands on me ever.
I’m fully in my own head that I don’t realise Remus sitting across from me a concerned confused look on his face.
“Sorry,” he says and it's so timid and befuddled that my heart breaks even more, I can’t be what he wants from me. A singular sob wracks through my body. “Sorry” he says again.
“It's.. it's not you.” I say, voice so shaky I hardly recognize it as my own. “It’s him”
“Him?” remus asks, “the guy from the party? He's gone it's just us you're safe.”
Ha safe, I can never be safe with the memories tarnishing my brain and the feeling on my skin lingering no matter how many times I’ve scrubbed myself raw.
“Not the guy from the party.” I say still a shell of my normal voice.
“Who? Sirius, tell me I want to know, I want to help Sirius.” Another sob wracks through me and I see out of the corner of my eye Remus’ hand raise as if to comfort me. I flinch despite myself.
“Come on sirius,” he says and it's so gentle, “who hurt you, was it your parents?”
“Mhm, yes but no it wasn’t them.”
“Sirius, darling I’m here, you’re safe you can tell me”
“I can’t you’d.. you’d hate me, you’d see me for what I am, a disgusting heap of tarnished flesh.”
“No, thats not who you are, you’re Sirius, you’re one of my best friends. One of the only people to make me smile when I’m in physical pain from my hip or feeling down. You’re always there supporting your friends. You’re the most beautiful captivating person I know, you hold the brightness of all the stars in your eyes and the power of god in your fingertips. Sirius you are the most sensational person and I will do everything in my power to make you happy so please tell me what's the matter.” I gulp soaking everything in. I release another shaky breath and decide to try, because for Remus I’ll always try.
“He- he was my Fathers collegue. He’d come round for our bi-annual business party held at Grimmauld place. It started when I was 11 or 12. He cornered me in the bathroom and he.. He touched me.” My gaze is trained on the floor I can’t look Remus in the eye. “I was so young, I didn’t understand. All I knew is if I told anyone the punishment would be worse. I tried everytime to scrub the feeling off my skin but its still there, soaked deep into every crevice of me. I’m corrupted.” I suck in a deep breath of air,” Then when I was about 14 he mentioned about me getting a bit old and used. He talked about how my brother would be better more innocent. He had a distinctive glimmer in his eye that told me he was set on it. So to save Regulus I begged and begged. I told him I would do anything for him. I told him that my brother couldn't’ have him because.. Because I wanted him. It was a lie but he took it. He took anything as well. By then I had given up. My body wasn’t my own. At the thought or touch of him my body shut down and I was a puppet and him the puppeteer.” I slump even more into myself fully expecting Remus to leave in a huff of revulsion. But instead after what felt like a while later when I dared to open my eyes Remus still sat across from me, with a look of nothing but tender care.
“Sirius, I think its time for bed, its late. But I need you to hear me when I say, nothing, nothing you ever say could deter me from you. You are a part of my soul Sirius and I care for you so deeply. An adults atrocious illegal behavoir is by no means a reflection of you. Because all I see when I look at you is the Sirius I know, the one I’ve always known and the one I lo-.”
I’m fully there now in my room. Remus helps me up and into bed tucking me in as the tiredness drenches over me and my eyes flutter shut. I almost miss the soft sound of remus’ syrup like voice as he says “goonight honey, sleep tight.” and the soft click of the door shutting. I do miss the smug look on James’ face after he returns from a night doing god knows what with god knows who.