Chapter 17
“Sirius! Sirius!” James’ voice stirs me awake, “Sirius, you need to wake up its today.”
I sit up in my bed looking over at him as he walks out of the bathroom dressed and ready.
“What on earth are you on about.”
“ The trials, to see if ill be captain. You said you’d be there even though.. You know.”
“Oh yep yep, ill get up. Its okay James you can say after I was kicked off the team.”
“Yeah I know i can, but in the off season I can pretend you didn’t. I can pretend like its going to be like before but its not.”
“You’ll have a great time and ill be there, let me get ready.”
“Right yep, Im going to go down in five to warm up.”
“You do know they’ll do a group warm up.”
“Yeah but I need to be extra warm.” I give him a stern look but I know it won’t deter him. When he gets in the mindset that he has to work out its hard to stop him.
I walk down to the pitch Lily, Peter and Remus are already there on the stands so I sit with them and watch the team warm up. The coach gets them into groups and starts running drills that I remember like it was yesterday. I look over to see around 10 seats down Dorcas and Regulus. The second I look I turn away. Turning my head to whisper in Remus’ ear
“Whats he doing here,” I whisper with venom giving them a sideways glance so Remus knows who I’m referring to. We aren’t the only ones watching the try out after all.
“Probably here because Dorcas is with Marlene.” He says but it doesn’t feel like he fully believes it. It feels like theres something he knows that I don’t.
“Right of course.” I say.
They split up into two teams and play a mock match. Remus is over pretending hes interested so hes reading his book. Glancing up whenever I cheer for James. He didn’t read books during the matches when I use to play I think to myself.
They wrap up the coach gives them some pep talk that all except the first years have heard multiple times. Something about how; hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard.
They all disperse except James who is seemingly asked to hang back and talk to the coach. Marlene has left and yet Dorcas and Regulus have made no move to meet her at the changing room. James leaves and we all get up to go as well. Dorcas and Regulus have gone somewhere and once James is all dressed and ready we head back to get ready for fist period. I have English literature first with Remus and I bring him a meusli bar since we missed breakfast to watch the try-outs. He gets pretty hangry especially about breakfast.
“I know it’s not toast but I thought you’d be hungry so-” He looks at my outstreched hand as if I’m offering a million dollars, big eyes wide as he grabs it from my hand.
“Thanks, I'm starving.”
“Hah thought you would be. Oh and did you do the homework?” Before I’ve even finished my question he’s pulling it out for me to copy. “Thanks mate, you're a real friend”
He seems to minisculely wince but carries on with taking notes.
Wednesday draws around and until then I’ve had a good time avoiding my brother. Sure I keep tabs on his whereabouts but I’m not confronted with us being in the same room with only two other people. Two other people who according to my sources (marlene herself) like each other. It's a new development and I’m hoping it doesn’t distract from cleaning, other than that I’m happy for them. Marlene is an excellent judge of character and even though Dorcas is friends with Regulus I’m sure she's alright.
We are assigned to cleaning the last Maths classroom. We head down, Regulus and Dorcas walking behind carrying the supplies and Marlene catching me up on the gossip. Who slept with who, who hates who. Its pretty superficial but it sure is entertaining.
Marlene and I get to scrubbing gum off the bottoms of tables, starting from the back. My brother and friend start from the front. It’s hard work, you have to put muscle into it. In my opinion definitely not fair punishment for the crime. Mcgonogall probably knew it wouldn’t make us stop just wanted to have clean classrooms. It takes about 20 minutes until theres two middle tables left. Dorcas and Marlene start on them as Regulus walks to the front to the wipes. He doesn’t notice the bucket infront of him and is a few steps away.
“Reggie, watch out!” I call after him and he snaps around at the sound of my voice. And oh.. Oh no by the look on his face he’s pissed. In particular his no nonsesne what the fuck pissed face.
“Don’t” He says and it comes out laced with indignance.
“I was just making sure you don’t trip.” out of the corner of my eye I can see that Dorcas is slowly approaching Regulus from the side. He doesn’t notice completely zoned in on me.
“Don’t act like you have the right to ‘look out for me’ ” He scoffs “and don’t call me Reggie.” I’m taken aback by the hurt and sting in his voice, no right?
“No right? I have every right.” I say with as much force if not more.
“You relinquished those rights when you abandoned me.”
“Ha” I laugh. “Abandoned, I left because of the fucking household and our family, for all I know your just like them.” He takes a step back as if he were punched and the look on his face reminds me so much of when we were younger. I can’t help but feel remorse.
“You wouldn’t know if I’m like them because you left.” He says.
“I wouldn’t know either way because you didn’t talk to me!” I say shouting now. I’m always quicker to shouting and loud outbursts of anger, Regulus’ anger is the quiet kind of rage that simmers and sticks.
“Like you made it easy to talk to you, I’d try and you’d go on and on about school and how much you miss your amazing friends and how much you hate it at home. James this Remus that blah blah blah”
“Like you’re so easy to talk to.” He takes another step back close to tripping over the stupid bucket now. Dorcas goes over and touches his arm lightly guiding him, he flinches slightly and the sight weighs down my heart. It wasn’t long ago I was in that house when I use to flinch at any physical contact other than Reggie’s. They walk out in the corridor and talk in a hushed tone that I can’t quite make out. We hear the sound of Mcgonogall’s heels before we see her.
“What are you doing out here” She asks to Regulus and Dorcas, softer than I expected,
“Ask them” Dorcas replies. I’m looking at the ground trying to pick up my pained expression. She takes one look around the room then says.
“Go on, take the bucket Marlene and you’re all dismissed.” She looks up then continues softer, “Sirius, stay behind?”
I nod and walk over to one of the desks sitting down. She pulls up a chair opposite and looks at me with such fond concern that I can’t help but feel my mood lighten.
“You want to talk about it?” She asks, I shake my head. She sighs and I start talking.
“It just my brother, we haven’t talked in a while and I may have said some things I shouldn’t have. It's complicated.”
“Yes I find family can be complicated, but family is family, especially siblings.” she says with a knowing look.
“I don’t even know if he would consider me a brother anymore, he’s so mad about me leaving and maybe I’m mad he didn’t.”
“Its a brave thing you did and just because Regulus didn’t doesn’t mean he isn’t brave just that he shows it in a different way. I believe he would still regard you as a brother.”
“Thanks.” I say not quite believing it.
“Come on, go get ready for dinner.” She says and I walk out the door straight to the dorm. I don’t feel like dinner today. I try and reason with myself that I’m not not eating as a punishment for myself. But maybe I am and maybe I deserve it. No matter how hard I scrub I can’t erase the way I was raised or my surname.
James walks in around 9.00, I'm lying huddled in my bed. He sits down and lies next to me. I stretch out and lie so that we are both on our back looking at the roof.
“Regulus?” He asks,
“Yeah” I say “how did you know.”
“Neither of your were down for dinner and I saw him in the corridor on his way to his dorm with Pandora and he looked emotionally wrecked. Kind of like you look right now.”
“Hey I always look great” I try to joke but it doesn’t come out quite right. He gives me a small smile and waits for me to inevitably spill.
“It was awful, we were fighting and yelling, okay I was yelling and he said I abandoned him and it hurt like I had been stabbed.” I say feeling my face pull in pain, I continue quiter, more ashamed. “I said things I shouldn’t have, I said he’s just like our family members and hard to talk to.” I say it like its the worst insult because it is, for me to compare my baby brother whom I practically raised to our evil abusive parents, yeah that was low.
“There were a lot of emotions and a lot of things said. I think it's best if you try and get some sleep.” James says soothingly. I turn over on my side and James rubs my back till I’m asleep. What I don’t know is that after I’m asleep he goes off and consoles my brother.