Chapter 15
Sirius
Why do I bother? I’m incapable of being normal, of being loved. No matter how many positive affirmations that Effie insists I say it doesn’t make it less true. ‘I am loved, I am enough’. No matter how many times I say it they don’t stick. I don’t tell Effie this when I’m on the phones with her, I say them with her and let her believe/hope that they are working. I see the look in her eye when she looks at me but I can't place it. I truly have found home at her and Monty’s house, but I can’t help but have an ache in my chest when she looks at me like she wishes she knew what was going on inside my head. She's encouraged me to talk to someone but doesn’t want to force me. It comes up in most phone calls but I can't bring myself to get professional help. It sounds like a bit much.
I’m drawn from my thoughts with the sound of Effies light sigh, she can proabbly tell through the phone that I’m only half listening.
“Well I’ll let you go darling don’t want to keep you from your studies.”
“Okay, see ya.” I reply
“Love you” she says it so sincerly every time. My heart still catches when she does.
“Love you too.” I say because I do, it may have taken me a bit to realise and then longer to say it back but I love her. Like a mother or the closest thing to that that I am capable of.
“Was that mum?” James asks, always implying she's our mum.
“Yup just checking in, doesnt want to keep us from studying though.” We both chuckle at this as we look around at the work books disregarded next to us on the floor and the packet of chips we are devouring.
“We probably should get started some time. This is the point of frees after all.”
“Yeah okay, want to do some history?”
“Sure”. We work until 5 when we pack up and go find Pete and Remus. I don’t think I would be the person I am today if I hadn’t made friends with them first year. I don’t think I would have gotten out if they hadn’t shown me love.
I wake up from a restless sleep infiltrated by nightmares. We were in the clouds, or he was and I was an onlooker. I can’t quite make out his face but I know it is him, he's wearing all white with magnificent wings. He looks angelic. I blink and he's taken a step and is falling. Black flames engulfing him until he is below me the same outfit but black. Facing away from me, I feel myself reach for him but I can't, shackles constrict me. I scream but no sound comes out. He doesn’t turn around. I wake up with one thought on my mind. Oh Reggie my little brother, my little fallen angel.
If I were to say such a thing out loud people would think I’m crazy, but they don’t know him. They don’t know that he use to be the most emotional little child. Scraping his knee and crying one second to giggling over a butterly on his little nose. I have the image of it seered into my brain, even if I wanted it removed it couldn’t be. I can’t delete all the memories we have together. The good, the bad and worst of all, the cold. It wasn’t the reason I left at all, but there is no denying that in the last two months in that house our relationship had already begun to fracture. I was standing in the middle of a frozen over lake as it begun to crack. He walked away and I had no choice but to swim or to die. Just like freezing lake water, leaving him froze a part of my heart, my soul. A part that was warmed by the thought of him safe.
I have a quick shower, get dressed and head down for breakfast. I can feel Remus’ eyes on me as I walk over to our table. I sit down and start to eat, the conversation picks up and I’m as engaged as always. No one would know about the exhausting night I had. Except.. Remus? He is looking at me with such a fond concern. I catch his gaze and instead of one of us looking away, caught, (like usual) he holds it. Questioning, wanting to know. But I can’t and he knows I can’t. Talking about emotions makes me want to curl up into a ball and let the ground eat me. Thinking about talking about emotions with Remus makes me want to jump into the hole in the ground and voluntarily get eaten. I wouldn’t mind remus eating me. Stop. Thoughts like this have invaded my mind whenever I even think of looking his way. Don’t get me started when he’s biting the inside of his lower lip deep in thought. Or when he is so enraptured by a book that his fluffy hair falls over his face and he slides his large hand through it. I have become known around school for some what of a casanova and I’m sure Remus knows no better than to believe all the rumors. Nevermind how not true they are. I don’t exactly stop people from thinking such things and making advances. Anyways James is there to take me away from them if they come too close. My knight in shining armour. I’ve told him some of it, he had to take a walk as he looked like he was going to explode with anger. It came up when I was telling him about what happened that night when I showed up to his doorstep. If I wasn’t in the condition I was in I wouldn’t have told him or anyone. As I’m pretty sure Effie knows since James would feel obligated to tell her for safety. I was so embarassed I refused to come out of the guest room. But when I did I was met with loving gazes, not the disgusted stares I was expecting. James hasn’t mentioned it or pressed for any details. Thank god. I believe it's also the reason he doesn’t press too much about my crush on Remus. When Mary had her first crush he was he biggest cheerleader encouraging her to ask him out. I couldn’t be more thankful for James but in this mooment theres not much he can do to help. Remus pushes and I know he will come find me to ask about what the matter was. I know it comes from a place of frienship and concern so I’ll try and talk to him. Not sure how well it will go though. Both Remus and James are only children or James was before I came. They can never fully understand the fagility and the bond my brother and I have/ had.
The bell goes and everyone hurries off to class. Ever since I started rebelling against my family that included putting less effort into school. The Blacks pride themselves on being prefect and that includes schoolwork. I still don’t see the point to try too hard. However, I have History first and I actually find myself quite interested. Especially the ancient history we are doing right now. Learning about the great empires and civilisations. When they talked about the fire in the library of alexandria I couldn’t help but feel I wave of melancholy rush over me. All that lost knowledge! How could you not be upset? The day drags on, we don’t do anything dramatic except put sneezing dust in Snapes’ handkerchief. He was practically asking for it, who in this day and age carries around a handkerchief. Everyone has a good laugh about it so it was for the greater good. Well everyone except Snapes’ possy and lily just gives us a disappointed glance. She’s stopped scolding us about it since shes seen that it’s two sided. The final bell rings and someone catches my arm. I turn around to see a pinkened faced Remus. He looks dishevelled as if when the bell went he ran down stairs to my classroom. I look briefly down at where he is touching my arm. He notices and drops his hand, I fight my face to not let the small amount of disappointment show. His hand was warm and comforting.
“Hey” he says and it comes of so soft I have to gulp before I respond.
“Hi, whats up?” I ask cheery as ever.
“Just wanted to talk. Wanna go for a walk?” We use to go one walks together all the time at the beginning of school, exploring the ground. We normally walked in silence just soaking in the big school grounds.
“Yeah, sure” I say my voice laced with trepidation. We start walking out toward the oval and surrounding trees. Remus as blunt and straight to the point as ever asks the second we leave the school building.
“Bad sleep? You looked a bit shaken this morning.”
“Oh did I?” I try to no avail. He shoots me a knowing look. “Yeah had a nightmare I guess.”
“Hmm sorry. Wanna talk about it?”
“Nah just family things.” I intentionally don’t like to burden Remus with family issues knowing he doesn’t have much of one. He was orphaned as a young child and hardly talks about it. He lives with a great aunt, or family friend was it? Anway, she’s as close to a parental figure he has so me complaining about my parents and brother to him feels selfish. We walk to the middle of some trees and sit down leaning against a big oak tree. We sit taking in the ambience. In the distance the clouds peak out between the mountains. The sky is dusted with the most picturesque fluffy clouds. Bright green leaves seemingly reaching to touch the cotton candy clouds. The brown of the trunks contrasting with all the vibrant colours. We breathe deeply in unison. I’m taken out of my tranquil state by reminding myself that I was going to try and talk to Remus. That I owe him as much. Two years ago now he confronted me for never talking to him about important things, claiming that he absolutely hated when we walked around on eggshells with some topics near him. James and I both agreed to not do that anymore. He was being completely valid, he wasn’t jealous of James and my friendship, he was just asking for when he was there to not be blatantly left out. We both felt very bad for a while. James took it on his chin and fixed up fast but it took a bit for me. Criticism has always been hard, especially when you grow up expecting physical violence after.
“The nightmare was about my brother. It’s been hard lately with us being so close due to detention.” I say, Remus takes a second before responding.
“Well thats understandable, it’s been a year separated theres going to be a bridge.”
“Yeah but I don't want there to be a bridge, I want there to be a sea between us or an easy road; no inbetween.”
“But putting a sea between you didn’t really work.” He stops to think, “In my opinion thats because you didn’t actually want it there.” With that I’m stumped. When I talk to James about my brother he tries his hardest not to meddle. With Remus he just says the truth whatever that may be.
“Yeah, but it wouldn’t work, building a bridge.” Theres an unmistakable sadness in my voice.
“I don’t know if it would. As cheesy as it sounds, you can’t know if you don’t try.”
“It’s too much effort.” I say but it comes out as a cheap excuse.
“Well maybe it’s too soon.”
“Yeah but the longer I take the further he slips away from me. You should see the way he looks at me, it’s so indifferent. I’d prefer the way he looked in the beginning when you could see the hatred splayed across his face.”
“Just because he’s got better at hiding his emotion towards you doesn’t mean it isn’t there.” I turn fully to look into his amber eyes. The sunlight glistening in them and off his golden hair. My eyes trace the scar that peaks out above his slightly unbuttoned school shirt. He’s magnificent. Out of the corner of my eye I can see his hand twitch under my gaze as if he is going to move it. Only then noticing that I leaned in to look at him I lean back. But keep my eyes trained on his so he can tell how earnest I’m being.
“You’re so smart Remus. Thank you.” From my spot I can hear his sharp intake of breath as he brings the hand closest to me into his lap, fiddling with the other one. So he doesn’t touch me. My heart wilts but I know that it’s my boundary I’ve but in place. I don’t hate touch. In fact I find that I love it after not getting much positive touch growing up. A hug from James or our Parents is the best feeling I’ve come to know. But sometimes, and very rarely. Remus’ touch feels like he’s going to- like he wants to-
“We better go, the suns setting.” He whispers his voice a little hoarse it makes my stomach flip.
“Mhm” is all I can muster. We walk back inside in comfortable silence. I don’t think silence could be awkward with Remus even if it tried.