Chapter 10
James
What Regulus says to me next breaks my heart just a bit,
“How can you sleep at night when you're just like me?” It is so quiet as if he was intending it as a thought not to be spoken out loud. Worn out from the week I dont have it in me to analyse right now. I settle on bringing my hand to brush through is soft black locks I've been eyeing. Regulus ever so slightly nuzzles into my hand and my stomach pools with warmth. I know I should inquire about what he meant by that but I don't want to dampen the comfort we have. I am already starved of regulus and even if I would love his presence in any way Regulus offered, I do enjoy the calm with Regulus touching me. If we delve into the conversation there's a high likelihood that he would move off me to talk. So I don't mention it. We sit, breathing, my hand raking through his soft soft hair. I get the urge to nuzzle my face into it, to breathe it in. I refrain of course, I have to do that a lot when i'm around reg. Being his friend behind Sirius’ back is one thing, being anything, (or wanting to be) more, is a step too far. I know that, of course, but I have never claimed to be in control of my mind. These things just pop in there. Maybe not pop, these thoughts about Regulus (Sirius’ brother) live rent free in my head. Only coming into fruition in my dreams makes waking up less fun. Except for if I have a class with him which is only one or two. He sits up front. The studio's prick he is, and I sit watching. Nodding along to what Sirius or one of my other friends gossip about. Then when nights like these where we sit at the astronomy tower the thoughts become louder. Or when I have a light buzz from alcohol and Reg is at the same party fully hammered. That reminds me,
“How was detention today?” I ask light heartedly, not realising my grave mistake. He turns his head to look straight up at the sky. Brows knit together as they normally are. He takes a sharp breath, eyes visibly going cold.
“It was fine, why do you ask? Did Sirius say something?” right he was in a group with Sirius, I see.
“No, I meant that it was boring I suppose.”
Regulus scoffs, “I heard you kept your group quite entertained.”
“Barty?” I question feeling slightly embarrassed knowing I did not make the best impression with all my chattering. I just didn't like the awkwardness of the silence. It wasn’t like when Regulus and I were silent, no that's enjoyable.
“Yeah, he just said you talked a lot, he didn't mind it or anything.” Regulus probably noticed my embarrassment.
“Yeah, I didn't mean to talk so much but once I got started…” I look down in my lap above where Regulus lies, “You can tell Barty to tell me to shut up whenever.”
“Oh I don't need to tell him.” Regulus replies, “If he had wanted to he would.” I let out a relieved sigh and sank back onto my hand. Quieter than before Regulus whispers, “It was strange, seeing Sirius so close.”
“Mmm,” I say not for lack of anything better but because Sirius is a touchy subject for Regulus. Just as Regulus is a touchy subject for Sirius.
“Did… did he say anything to you?” Regulus’ whole demeanour has changed, now tense and apprehensive. This, this is new, we don't talk about Sirius. Regulus knows Sirius and I are very close.
“He didn't, not yet at least.”
“Course,” Regulus says and turns to his side again, still tense.
“Regulus..” I say desperate for the calm. “Look at me,” He turns slowly on his other side so he is lying facing me now. Our eyes lock and I'm staring. Hooked on the grey blue of his eyes, there's so much dimension to it I couldn't even begin to explain. My eyes wander his face, imprinting it into my memory. His sharp cheekbones, his hollow cheeks that have gotten less hollow further from summer break we go. His sharp jawline, accentuated at this angle, his cute nose I sometimes have the urge to chomp off. And oh, his hair. I reach out and start taking my fingers through again. Completely forgetting what I was going to say to him. Then my eyes fall on his lips, I try not to stare too long. Once I realise I've already failed at that, I pull my gaze away. Only to find Regulus staring at my lips. I lick them instinctively.
Regulus’ blinks get noticeably slower and more elongated.
“Is it time to go to bed, love?” I ask, the pet name slipping out.
“No” he grumbles quietly, shifting in my lap. I pat his head, releasing my fingers from his hair.
“Come on, you're tired.”
“I'm always tired,” He counters in his matter of fact tone. Yet he goes to get up using my legs as leverage.
“Oh” I let out a strained noise
“What?” Regulus asks
“Maybe you could watch where you’re putting your hands.” I say looking down to his hand leaning on my crotch on his way to get up. He looks down as well, a blush fiercely spreading up his neck to his face.
“Sorry, sorry.” he quickly says standing up fully, only after a moment offering his hand to help me up. I take it of course, not because I need it but because I do need to feel the soft touch of Regulus’ skin. His breath hitches just as mine does when we are both standing face to face, closer than I had anticipated.
“Ahem,'' Regulus says, clearing his throat as he takes a step back then towards the door. I follow behind but we don't speak. We walk to his dorm where he stops outside before heading in. “Goodnight James.” Regulus says quietly.
“Good night, sleep well Reg.” I say as he turns to go into his dorm I see a small smile playing at his lips. Whenever I get Reg to show the smallest hint of a smile it feels like the biggest achievement and now is no different. I walk all the way back to my dorm with a stupid smile on my face. Sirius is asleep when I get in so I make sure not to wake him. I slip into my bed and snuggle into the pillow. I may or may not be imagining it is Regulus but no-one has to know that.