Chapter 11
I wake up late because it's a Saturday but when I look over Sirius is still asleep. I don’t wake him, I learnt not to the hard way when he first moved in. That night is scorned into my memory but I know if it was traumatising for me it would have been much more for him. We had only been friends for a few years but it made sense that he moved in. The first day on the train ride to school, I don't know how to explain it. There was just a connection. We got up to mischief on that train and didn’t stop once since we’ve been here. Sirius still struggles, I am painfully aware of that. Although he hasn’t told me everything and I doubt he ever will, there are some things you can infer. I’ve gotten to know his smiles, when he's putting on a show, when he needs to be saved from the people swooning over him at parties. He always apologises and every time I make sure he knows it's not a problem. I was either going to go back to our dorm or hook up with someone I don’t really care about. I know that he likes attention but doesn’t let many people actually see him. I know that he may as well be in love with Remus but can't find the courage to tell him. Remus and I got on well the first time on the train as well. He’s come out of his shell much more than then. He's so smart, caring and funny but in an intellectual way. I’ve been told I talk about my friends as if I'm in love with them. I suppose that's true, I do love them. I was taught to have enough room in your heart for love for everyone. But it wasn’t until half way through last year, 6 months after Sirius had moved in. That I started to notice Regulus. The way I can’t help but feel for him is so different to the way I feel for all my friends. I know he’ll never feel the same way and I won't be able to tell him. But still one can dream and I do. He fills my every waking thought and my every sleeping one. Like a glowing light following me, that I carry with me. Sirius may or may not be getting suspicious about all of my late night trips but he doesn’t question it more than a few passing comments. I know he doesn’t like the idea of me spending time with someone else but he is good at not making a big deal out of it.
Sirius starts to stir in his bed so I get up to have a shower. I’m almost done when Sirius walks in.
“James, have we run out of toothpaste?” He calls loudly even though he knows I'm right next to him behind the shower curtain. I pull the curtain aside and poke my head out.
“ Nah there's a bit more just squeeze it out.”
“You’ve been saying that for the last week, we need some more.”
“Okay. okay, we can go today.”
“Thanks,” He calls as he walks back out of the bathroom brushing his teeth. I wrap a towel around my waist and walk out. I used to be much too nervous around Sirius to be half dressed like this. Sirius has a good build and grew into it earlier, so I always felt inadequate. Whenever I start to show that I feel self conscious around him he makes a fuss of telling me how hot I am. I normally laugh it off but his confidence is contagious, so now I don’t mind.
I slip on some trackies and a t shirt. Then open my phone to text our group chat “the marauders” that we are going to head into town. Remus and Peter decide to join us so once Sirius is ready we all head out.
We all walk down to the shops talking about nothing much,
“There would be a party this weekend if people hadn’t been caught,” Sirius brings up.
“We could still do something,” I offer
“What in one of our small dorms,” Remus adds, always a voice of reason.
“No, wait, that's not a bad idea, we should do something, but where?” Sirius says, face lighting up.
“Why don’t we do our dorms and we can have a small thing, 10 people in each dorm and we can have a heavier party in one and chill in the other.” I think out loud.
“Yeah that could work,” Remus says, “ I’d have to ask Barty but he’d be down.”
“Oh yeah i talked to Barty at detention he seemed pretty chill.” I say, glancing over to Sirius who is looking pointedly away at the mention of someone even vaguely associated with Regulus. I know how much it hurts him not being close, how much he loves him which he could tell me but never would. How he regrets not asking him to come in the moment. How he wishes they could fix it but can’t bring himself to try. I also have begun to know how Regulus cares for Sirius as well. It's harder to get a read on and it's definitely not my place to meddle, but they are brothers after all. They went through so much together. Regulus is still in that house. Just the thought of it makes me feel ill. I distract myself with the conversation about which is the best brand of toothpaste. Adding in my opinion ( the right opinion). Sirius ends up choosing the one I said was best so I obviously feel the need to jokingly brag about my brilliance. Ever since Sirius tried Sushi two or so years ago- he had never had it before that- we go get sushi each time we come. I always get chicken and avocado and we sit outside under a tree to eat it. Peter eats a sandwich because he doesn’t like sushi, Remus doesn't really like sushi either but eats it anyway. Probably for Sirius. I chose to worry about myself with all of my friends' relationships, including Sirius and Remus’ for the longest time that I didn't even think about my own. My one night hookups or short flings, I would try and explain to Sirius that I just enjoy making people feel good. He would tell me a relationship is a two way street and all that. He can be quite wise when it isn’t in regards to himself. When it's himself he's quite oblivious with hardly any balls or game. The copious amounts of people that have a crush on him wouldn't know that. Sirius has his own reputation, mainly not true but still people hear a story and run with it.
We finish our lunch then slowly meander back to school. Spending the day like this, with my friends, fills me up. It reignites the spark within me. The one person I want to hang out with right now would just relax and yet for some reason I'm craving that. Probably because it doesn’t matter what I do with Regulus, I'd just be happy to do it. But I also didn’t truly appreciate taking time to sit quietly with my thoughts, the stars and Regulus, one of my favourite stars.
Back at school Remus reads on Sirius’ bed whilst Sirius sketches him and I learn a new tune on the guitar Fleamont got me for christmas last year. I remember the first Christmas with Sirius, he hadn’t realised there were actual presents underneath the wrapped boxes, he had just thought they were ornamental which apparently they are at his house. The look on his face when Effie encouraged him to open one to find a notepad and pens in it was the best. Then when we had told him we were going to have a Christmas party/lunch and he had grown tense. Just to find out it was a lowkey gathering with Family and my Parent’s friends (and lots of food) he seemed to thrive there as well. Apparently Christmas at his house was very different, their family had come over for lunch but it wasn’t all that pleasant. One cousin, Bellatrix, I think he name was (it's hard to wrap my head around all of their unique names) had threatened to stab him with a butter knife. Then attempted to when he had apparently looked at Regulus funny (Bellatrix’s supposed favourite cousin) she missed because Sirius moved his hand out of the way fast enough. At first when Sirius moved in he wouldn’t talk about Regulus, but once he started he could hardly stop from sharing memories, each time his face lighting up. It was almost as if he was grieving Regulus, the strategy worked until we returned to school where he was confronted with a very alive Regulus. Now he just ignores him. I have no idea how he is able to. I don't think I would be able to ignore Regulus even if I tried. He radiates a strong pull that attracts me into it each time. Like a venus fly trap and me a fly.
The afternoon passes quickly and all of a sudden it is 5pm and Sirius has just remembered about his party plan.
“We have to get ready!” He exclaims standing up abruptly.
“For what?” Remus asks looking up from his book.
“The party, I’ll text people, James can you ask that year 12 girl you had a thing with for alcohol, she always has a stash. Remus, I’ll get Peter to help you set up the rooms.”
“What?” Remus asks not having agreed to any party, he takes one look into Sirius’ eyes gleaming with excitement and folds. Sirius has that effect on people. I head off to find Melissa in year 12, we had a thing of back and forth flirting but I hadn't realised it was more serious for her. Whilst I go Sirius texts the extended chat with Peter, Mary, Lily, Marlene and Frank. He tells them to bring people but not too many.
I knock on the door to Melissa's dorm, a bright smile on my face ready to charm. To my dismay it's Lucy, her roommate who opens the door, who I may or may not have slept with. I think it was before Melissa and I were talking but she found out badly and it didn’t go down well.
“What do you want?” Lucy says in an impatient tone.
“Straight to it then,” I say, flashing my smile, “Melissa home?”
“She's out, what do you want?” hmm seems i’ll need to change up my plan.
“Do you have any alcohol that I could pay you for? I know you always want to be a businesswoman. Practise with me.”
“You came over looking for booze?” She says, sounding unimpressed.
“Yep you got it,” I say smiling,
“You’ll pay?”
“Yup I say holding out a $50 note”
“Ok wait here I'll grab you some.” She comes back with a bottle of vodka and one of gin she was just storing in there I guess.
“Thanks!” I say “Oh and tell Melissa I said hi” I say nonchalantly,
“Yeah, I won't be doing that, I shrug and stuff the alcohol into my bag walking back praying a teacher doesn’t ask me about it. I haven't been known to be the best liar.
The dorm is looking good, all the furniture is pushed to the side so there's room to sit in or dance in the middle. Next door Remus’ is the same with some of the furniture from our dorm there. Barty isn’t in but I assume they asked him. I set the drinks back in my dorm and find Sirius.
“What time did you tell people to come?” I ask him
“Around 9 so 2 hours,” Lily and Peter were helping Remus set up the rooms now they had gone to get snacks and mixers.
“Let's order some pizza” I say
“Don’t have to ask me twice. '' Sirius responds and so we order some pizza in the car park around the back of the school because technically we aren't meant to.
Once we finish our pizza Remus, Peter and Lily are back and we set up the food then they go to get dressed. I slip on a plain white cropped top and some jeans with my red converse. Sirius puts on an airy black singlet and black jeans with some eyeliner. He offers to do mine and when I agree he puts it right inside my eye. ‘My waterline’ he says, whatever it is inside my eye. He finished both of our looks off with sparkly eyeshadow in the inner corner. Once ready we turn on the LED light strips my parents bought us to decorate the room. Marlene and Mary show up first, Mary with Sybill and Marlene with Dorcas and Emmeline. Mary asks after Lily who is in the other room with Remus Frank and Peter. She heads over leaving Sybill, Marlene, Dorcas, Emmeline, Sirius and I in here. After some small talk catching up and everything Marlene cuts to the chase and goes over to pour her and Dorcas a drink. I get Sirius and I one and suddenly we all have one. The others have come in to grab some and we are all mingling in various rooms. When I head over to the other room Barty is just heading in to go grab something. I’m already a bit tipsy so I call over to him in a rather loud voice,
“Hey Barty!” He turns around a bit startled
“Oh hey James” he says
“Come over and grab a drink before you go.”
“Yeah I might just need to grab something and then head back to my friends.”
“Bring your friends!” I say enthusiastically,
“Yeah not sure that’ll go over well, with it being Sirius’ party and all,”
“Sure it will.” I say still not putting two and two together. We head to the other room and I pour him a drink. There's music playing and everyone is talking and swaying along. Barty heads out as we party on. 11 comes and goes and now it's 12.45, Remus, Lily, Mary, Sybill and I are in Remus’ dorm sitting on the floor playing tongues. Drunk tongues are 10x more fun. I’ve just won so I stick my tongue out just as Barty walks in with someone behind, I crane my neck to see a grumpy Regulus.
“We’re just grabbing something and maybe Regulus a drink then we’ll go.” Barty leans over to the half empty bottle of vodka and hands it to Regulus who takes a swig. He doesn’t look like he's had the best day. They turn to leave once Barty has his jumper but before they can I blurt out,
“Don’t go” Regulus turns to look and our eyes meet. I’m aware everyone is staring at me because of me blurting that out but all I see is Regulus and all I feel is the untamable need to have him in the same room as me right now. Barty and Regulus look at eachother incredulously then Regulus takes a seat. The others stare in shock for a moment highly aware that he is Sirius’ younger brother. They let it go and we move onto playing cheat. Regulus wins all three times,
“Let's play something else,” Lily says. All of us are quite drunk so when she offers up truth or dare we agree. Lily starts off,
“Mary, truth or dare?”
“Truth,” mary says
“Do you have a crush on someone in this room”
Mary hesitates scanning the room before settling her gaze back on Lily then answering,
“Yeah.. I do.”
“Wait who!?” Lily asks eager
“That's not part of it.” Mary says, then turns to Sybill and asks, “truth or dare”
“Dare” Sybill answers confidently which is unexpected.
“Take a big shot of vodka, no chaser.” Sybill grabs the bottle and practically chugs some of it.
Sybill then asks Remus who says the truth.
“When was the last time you lied and what was it?”
“A few hours ago when I told Sirius he looked ‘just good’ in his top he looked incredible.” We all snicker except for Regulus who is sipping his drink staring in his lap. Remus says shit like that to a bunch of people he doesn’t know that well and yet can't tell Sirius how he feels. Remus asks Barty who says dare and Barty is forced to dance for 20 seconds to no music. Everyone cheers as he pulls out some pretty good, quite raunchy movies. Barty sits back down, catches his breath and takes a gulp of his drink then turns to me.
“Truth or dare James?”
“Dare” I say wanting to keep the streak, he thinks for a moment then says,
“Kiss the prettiest person in the room. Everyone is looking between Lily and I since we used to date for a month. I crawl into the middle of the circle fully intending to give Lily a little peck since we’re friends. Yet my lips find themselves attached to a cheek. But not just any cheek, Regulus’ cheek. The room lets out a collective gasp and Regulus is extremely still under my lips. I pull back just a smidge and we are so close looking into each other's eyes. I just want more, to kiss him more but I know now is not the time. However, when I look into Regulus’s eyes what I see looks more like disbelief and hurt. He gets up abruptly and leaves. Barty follows after a minute once he comes back to his senses. It takes a bit longer to come back to mine and I walk into Remus’ bathroom to splash my face all of a sudden feeling too sober. I can hear the hushed conversations going on. When I eventually go back out it's just Remus there waiting for me.The others decided to say goodbye to the rest of the people in the next room then go to bed.
“ I slump down on the floor leaning my back against the bed as Remus sits opposite me.” A few seconds later Remus begins to talk,
“What was that mate?”
“What” I say hoping we can pretend it never happened. Remus just gives me a pointed look.
“I was just doing the dare.” I say weakly attempting to defend myself.
“Sirius’ brother?! If he ever finds out.”
“He won’t. You won’t tell him right?”
“Of course I won’t tell him, I don't think he's above killing the messenger. It's not just the dare, the way you looked at him like''
“Like what?” I interrupt slightly pissed off for no valid reason.
“Like you were in love with him.”
“Did not” I scoff, but I don't even fool myself.
“Sure,” Remus says nodding, “just don’t get Sirius to know of it and if you knew what was best for you you would try and let go of those feelings for Regulus.” I can’t, I go to say but nothing comes out. Remus returns to the other room and I stay in his, breathing. Just reminding myself how to breathe. I know I should listen to Remus but I also know I should find Regulus and explain and apologise. Regulus doesn’t like people drawing attention to him. I need to apologise. But before I can get up to do so I have fallen asleep on Remus’ floor.
I feel a gentle pat on my shoulder and open my eyes to see Sirius having come to get me to take me to bed. We walk slowly back to our dorm and I fall straight back to sleep. Wanting to forget the night.