Chapter 9
The happiness doesn't last though. When has it ever? I wake up at quarter to 6 still on edge from the nightmare. I get up needing to leave the bed where I imagined all of those awful things. I slip on some clothes and head out planning to go for a run. I pass the gym on the way out to find the light on and the door open. Upon glancing in I see the back of James using the rowing machine, wearing his red jumper, hair still messy from the morning. I take a step in despite myself, landing on a creaky floor board. He turns around a bead of sweat dripping down his face, glasses askew.
“Oh it's you” He says with nothing but relief.
“Hi, I was just about to go on a run if you want to..”
“Yes!” He intejects eagerly.
“But I can see you have already worked out..”
“No, I can do more- I should.”
“Okay” I say apprehensive.
We head out to the oval walking side by side. I set my watch for 20 minutes and we start off at a brisk jog. We do a lap in silence and half way through the second lap James starts to speak.
“Excited for detention today?”
“Ugh don't remind me,” I say mainly because I don't want to remember but I also don't really enjoy talking and running.
“Maybe I can become friends with your friend, Barty? I think he's in my group.” I would laugh at him if I wasn't saving my breath for running.
“Yeah, you have a good group.” I say regretting it right as it comes out, knowing he’ll see it as an invitation to talk about my group.
“You know I know it's not my place-”
“Yeah it's not '' I say interrupting him. I'm definitely not talking about Sirius with his best friend who stole him away and who I may or may not have feelings for. Just no.
I start to sprint off in the direction of the change rooms as we finish our 3rd lap. I don’t realise but James is sprinting right behind me.
I head to the showers grabbing a towel from where they are neatly folded in the cupboard. I have a quick rinse and then head out. Just as I'm zipping up my pants James walks out of the shower, hair soaked and towel around his waist. When he sees me looking he instinctively crosses his arms. But as he approaches his bag he drops them down. We make eye contact for a second, both shirtless and it leaves me flushed for no reason. James goes into the individual changing rooms just as he did last time and I don't wait up.
The day goes by slowly probably because we are all dreading our detention after school. The only class I actually pay attention to is in English when the teacher announces a writing competition. I grab a sheet but right as I do I already begin doubting myself and decide to push it into my bag.
Everyone complains about having to do detention at break but I can't help but feel I have it ever so slightly worse. With my brother being in my group and all. We all meet at student services where Ms Mconagall is waiting with some of the other students that have detention. We have a hushed conversation as we wait till 3.30 rolls around when we are supposed to be there ( we got there a few minutes early). 3.35 comes and goes and it's not until 3.40 when my brother and his group show up. They should get more detention for showing up late.
“So, now that everyone is here.” Ms Mcgonagall’s voice is stern as she looks directly at my brother's friend group. “I will give you the section you are to clean and over the next four weeks you will clean one room in each place. Group 1 is to clean the English classrooms room 102. Group two is to clean the maths classrooms starting with room 89. Group three is to clean the gym, starting with the supply closet. Group four is to clean the science classrooms, room 74 today.” signalling to the corner she continues, “one person from each group grab a bucket and head off, return your bucket by 6pm, then you can head to dinner. I will come and check on each of you.”
I look around at the people in my group then slowly walk toward the bucket, grab it and head out of the door wanting to finish as soon as possible. Dorcas catches up to me and we make our way down. Dorcas complained in my ear the whole time. I can just make out Sirius’ voice behind me complaining about it as well, to Marlene.
I walk into the science classroom and put the bucket down. I definitely am not going to be the one asking everyone what they want to clean, so I just start. I lean over to grab a spatula out of the bucket and accidentally bump into someone.
“Sorry,” I say instinctively. I look up to see a bewildered Sirius standing opposite me. What did he expect, he knew we were in the same group. He probably didn’t think he would be confronted with my presence so close. I apologised anyways, he can wipe that look off his face before I do it for him. I stalk away and start scraping gum off the tables at the back. Dorcas joins me and Siruis and Marlene start cleaning the labs.
Time passes extremely slowly, it takes 45 minutes just to scrape the gum off. Once we finish doing that my arm is sore. I go to the bucket once more and get some wipes to clean the tops of the desk. Thankfully we don't have to vacuum because the cleaners will do that. Dorcas stops on her way to get some wipes and starts talking to Marlene, then by positioning is talking indirectly to Sirius as well. Their conversation continues for the time it takes for me to wipe down half the tables. I don't feel left out per se, I would rather they focus on cleaning is all. Dorcas comes back to wipe down some tables,
“Hey, let me do the rest you've done a lot.”
“No it's ok I can help.” I say this purely because I don't want to stand around awkwardly with nothing to do. Ms Mconagall comes in once we are almost done to check on us.
“Hi, how's it going, it's almost 6 already so i'll check around to see how clean you have it.”
“Hi Ms” Sirius chimes, his voice saccharine. She looks around at the labs and desks then under them nodding her head as she does.
“Alright you may return the bucket then head off. Think about why you are doing this in the first place as you go.” I'm doing this because James couldn’t walk me back inconspicuously.
Marlene and Sirius walk the bucket back since I took it there and I head back to my dorm, change into some tracksuit pants and a white top then head to get some dinner. I met Barty Evan and Pandora in the canteen. We sit down to eat and deliberate about our days.
“ It was so awkward and we couldn't just do our own thing because we had to organise the storage room," Barty says. “When we did our own thing people would reorganise things so eventually James took charge. Once he realised he could talk he didn't stop, the silence was a bit uncomfortable I suppose. Mary, James and I just talked. Sybil did a bit but they seem pretty quiet.” I can’t help but feel jealous, Barty doesn't talk to James, they aren’t friends. James and I are friends, he said so himself.
“Yeah, ours wasn't too bad because we had each other and we were just cleaning all the desks in the English classroom.” Evan says.
“Yeah it was alright, and that Emmeline is kinda fine.” Pandora adds. We all look at her a chuckle escaping Barty until we are all laughing. What a funny place to meet someone, in detention and of course Pandora would bring it up by calling her ‘fine’. We finish off our food and Evan and I walk everyone back to our dorms. I notice the way Barty and Evans' hands keep brushing each other as they walk but don't point it out because I know it's all fragile and new for them. They have both kissed people at parties before and Barty had a fling with one guy but never serious and not with the feelings Barty and Evan clearly have for one another.
I don’t realise how tired I am until I am in my bed reading under the lamp light. I switch off the light when Evan does his and toss and turn trying to fall asleep. Today was the closest I have been to Sirius in a long time. The feeling of wanting that I haven't had since the first few months when he left, came flooding back. Wanting his presence, wanting his security, his safety, wanting my brother. But it's not that simple. With the Black family it never is, yet I can't help the want I feel. The thing is even today just being near him I couldn't get a break from the feeling of guilt and incapacity that I felt that night. That night when Sirius was beaten an inch from his death because of me. Because I was careless enough to leave my journal out where mother could read it. Because father seemed extra keen to give someone a beating that day and when Sirius stepped in front he had just continued, not caring if wasn’t me. When I was the one they intended to punish.
Sleep comes eventually but I wake up just as tired.
By Friday the exhaustion is evident in my features and I almost scare myself with my appearance as I splash cold water on my face, in an attempt to wake up. I look half dead, so I guess it is just a reflection of what's inside. I go through the day borderline dissociating. I skip dinner having no desire to fuel my ragged body. Half conscious, half delirious, my auto pilot self walks up the tower to look at the stars. There's no one in the corridors and yet I feel as if I'm being followed. I don't have it in me to turn around. I trudge up the stairs and slump down. Sucking in a deep breath for the first time today once I'm outside. The sun is just setting so there aren't any stars to look at. Instead there is the beautiful sun. I didn’t used to have much appreciation for the warm glow the sun brings but as of late I wish I could fly to touch it even if it burns. I half recognise that someone is now sitting next to me but I can't bring myself to check who. I know. At first break whilst eating he had given me a concerned questioning look from where he was getting his food. When I merely shrugged his brows furrowed together, not a look he normally wears. Maybe part of me knew he would come find me eventually, maybe part of me had hoped. In any case here he is, sitting peacefully next to me edging his hand closer to where mine sits beside my leg. Oh, James Potter is moving his hand towards me. Then all of a sudden there is the burn from being touched by the sun. It sparks life back into my body for just a moment and I am compelled to look down where James’ hand sits lightly on mine. Automatically I flip my hand palm up so his could be in mine. Not necessarily holding my hand since our fingers aren’t interlaced due to the positioning. I breathe in deeply and James does the same. Except when he does it it's as if he is preparing to talk.
“Hi,” He says in a soothing whisper.
“Hey” I say back with the same softness that only Pandora has been able to bring out of me before James,
“Tired?” He asks although he knows I am just not why.
“Mhm” I nod and he pats his lap. Honestly, I'm too delirious to do anything other than lay my head down on his thigh huddled on my side facing the sky. I am acutely aware that James' gaze is scanning my face but I don't have the energy to turn up to look back at him. We sit and we breathe. Our breaths sync up as they do, grounding me.
I open my mouth as if to speak then decide not to, rather i just think it.