Chapter 8
I wake up again, not sure of when exactly I fell back asleep. I check the time to see it is 8am and I am running late. I have a rushed shower I don't have time for and slip on my clothes. Evan is already out presumably eating breakfast which I decide to skip due to lack of time. Instead I start heading to first class bumping into Barty on the way so we walk together.
“Your hair is wet.” Barty says matter of factly.
“It is.” I respond with the same vibe. I am in no way ready for the day and have already begun to shut off my emotions for the inevitable interactions with people today. I don't mind school, especially if there weren't so many teachers.
“You look like a wet rat.” Barty says interrupting my train of unimportant thought, “in a good way” he adds
“Thanks I suppose.” Not exactly sure how looking like a wet rat could be meant in a good way. We show up to first class right on time for the teacher to usher everyone in. Every class feels slower than usual, nothing noteworthy happens except that I have to do a presentation in front of the class for english which I am dreading. The presentation is about the benefits of volunteering and community service so i'll just be spewing out some community bs.
By second break everyone seems to be over today, Mondays truly are the worst. Dorcas is pissed about having to do an essay for an elective class she chose thinking it would be easy. Evan might just be even more stressed about the presentation than me and he's already started writing it. Pandora and Barty are talking about this one teacher that seems to dislike Pandora for no reason. He's probably just a creep is what Barty settles on. I just feel perpetually exhausted, especially during the day. Being faced with my obnoxious brother and his friends doesn’t seem to help. They are laughing loudly as they are in the line for food. James gets his first and as he turns back to walk to his table our eyes meet. He still has a wide smile on his face from his previous laughter and I can't help but think that it got ever so wider when our gaze met. My stomach flutters purely because his smile is just so genuine. His hair looks soft, his glasses are sitting askew on his face and his rosy lips frame his smile perfectly. I don’t know how long I've been looking over but it doesn’t feel like long enough because James looks away once Sirius has gotten his food and they all walk back to their table, chatting away. My heart sinks.
The last few classes are even slower than the first. I am minding my own business working on some maths when there is an announcement over the loudspeaker.
“Barty Crouch Jr to the headmaster's office with your bag please.” I stand up as if it were my name being called, people turn to look at me but I ignore them and ask to use the restroom. I head straight to the front office catching a glimpse of Barty and a woman that looks a lot like him walking into the office. I wait around the corner hoping to catch him on his way out. The woman walks out first, gives Barty a lingering hug and exits. Barty comes out my way and when I first see him he looks utterly wounded. It fades a bit when he sees me and we just stand still looking at one another. Evan will be in a music theory exam right now, so I offer for Party to come back to my dorm. He follows beside me quieter than I have ever seen him. It's not until we are in my room huddling against the wall on my bed that he speaks. Its low and strained and it doesnt give me much.
“My dad” Is all he says for a while and I sit there contemplating what he means. My brain always jumps in the worst case scenario and unfortunately I wasn't that far off. “He's dying.” Barty manages to get out after a while.
“Oh, I'm so sorry” I say.
“Don't be.” Barty bites back a cold nip to his tone that wasn’t about me. I know but it still surprises me. The silence stretches on until Barty speaks again, almost a whimper, “it's my fault”. I don’t know how to interpret this, I know for a fact that he couldn't have killed his father because he has been here.
“What do you mean?” I ask for a lack of something better to say.
“I'm an awful person.” Barty says and he breaks down crumbling into himself. My instincts kick in and I wrap an arm around him and bring him close as if I can hold all the pieces of him together. Barty takes a few shaky breaths before he starts again, “I wished him dead so many times and now he's going to die.” It clicks in my brain as it all starts to make sense.
“It's not your fault Barty, just because you wished him dead doesn’t mean you are an awful person, it means you were unfortunate enough to get him as a dad. If you wish bad things for your dad makes you a bad person that makes me two times worse.” oh i have not admitted to myself that I have wished badness on my parents. In fact I've spent most of my life trying as hard as I can to love them despite their malicious behaviour.
“But I wished him dead and now he will be. My mum will be alone” oh again it clicks in my brain. Whenever Barty has talked about his family despite it being rare, there was always an evident fondness and love that shone through for his mother,
“You can be there for her.” I soothe, feeling Barty is smaller than he ever has been in my arms.
“Regulus, I can’t. I couldn’t even bring myself to look her in the eye.”
“That'll pass as well as the unfair blame you have appointed yourself. Guilt will turn to new beginnings and you will be able to find a new path.”
“But there was predictability in the old one.”
“Predictability in going home each summer to return with fading bruises that you hid from your mum.” I say before stopping myself, “sorry, I don't mean to be insensitive but you truly can not blame yourself. Please don't, tell me you wont.” Barty contemplates for a while looking at his hands where he is picking at the skin on his fingers.
“I promise, I'll try not to.” He says slowly looking up to meet my watchful gaze down upon him. His cheeks still damp from tears. I brush one falling down, his eyes don't leave mine. Before I know it a pair of soft lips come in contact with my own for just a second before Barty is pulling back and scrambling away.
“Barty” I say with no clue what to follow with, or what just happened.
“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.” He says standing up heading for the door. Just before he leaves he turns around to add quickly, “thank you,” then scurries out. I am left still looking at the now closed door rather struck. What just happened?! No, what just happened is my friend who is in a very vulnerable place right now came and we talked it out so hopefully he’ll have a better outlook. That's all, whatever else happened was merely a rush of the moment emotional move from someone in no headspace for such things.
Evan comes back into the dorm half an hour later ranting about the exam, I find it hard to look him in the eye. He doesn’t know what happened, there's no way he could know. I'm just so caught off guard is all. He was in a vulnerable state. I'm sure it's all just a misunderstanding but I need some clarity. I casually ask Even if he knows where Barty is, distractedly he suggests his dorm.
I get up and head to Bartys dorm. Outside I hesitate before knocking on the door. What am I doing? I've done this so many times, now isn't different. I bring my hand up and knock 3 times. After a beat there's a muffled one sec, but it's not Barty. Like I thought Remus opens the door.
“ Oh hi” He says as if he was expecting someone else, (which he probably was.)
“Hi, have you seen Barty?” I ask rushed.
“Yeah he came back a while ago then headed out, he looked..” Remus pauses to think. ”I'm not sure but his usual spark was dimmer. He didn’t even say hi, he just got a bag and left.”
Left. To where?
“Ok, thanks”
“All good” and he closes the door. I stand outside thinking of where to look, maybe he went to eat something? It's unlikely but I head to the kitchen. There's no sight of him or anyone that would know where he is. I checked the common room and the library next (very unlikely he was in there). I'm almost tempted to ask the front office but I don't. I slump down in a random corridor, tired from walking all over the school. I realise sitting there that the sun has started to set. In my stressful searching I lost track of time. I don't feel like going back to the dorm where Evan will be waiting with questions of where I was that I don't know how to answer. I get up and make my way to one of the only places I feel comfort. The tower. Thankfully no one is there, people rarely are but I don't ever get my hopes up. I settle in looking at the stars on the balcony, the cold wind whipping my skin but I make no move to cover it. I don't deserve to be fully comfortable, not now, not after today. The stars, my most favourite company, even they can't stop my mind from spiralling tonight. Maybe Barty was trying to get up and it was an accident (unlikely). Maybe he was just feeling overwhelmed and emotional. Maybe he mistook me for Evan (I don't even know if they are up to that stage, from what I can tell they haven't made their feelings clear to one another). Maybe he felt like he had to thank me. That last possibility makes me sick to my stomach. I was there for him because he's my friend that comes with no payment. I am ceasingly shocked with the horrendous stuff my brain is able to make up.
I decide to name the constellations and the stars that make them up in my head to keep myself distracted. I am so caught up in doing so that I don’t realise someone has come up until I hear his voice.
“Hi”
“James,” I say, my voice coming out hoarse since my throat is dry.
“May I?” He asks motioning to the spot beside me, I give a small no and he settles in. He's lying on his back propped up on his elbows, I glance over just in time for our eyes to meet. We hold it for a while and even now when he is quiet, James finds a way to melt everything else so it's just him. It's quiet, the outside noise.. I can't hear it, the thoughts that were in my brain moments before.. They're gone. All there is is James, his eyes a rich deep hazel, glazed over and glinting in the starlight. Fully enraptured, James' voice tugs me back into the present.
“Are you okay?” He asks, it's such a simple question but I could cry. Sometimes all I need is for someone to ask me it even if I don't have a good answer.
“No not really,” I say, shuffling to lie down on my side now.
“We could talk about it,” he offers, gentle as ever.
“I’d rather not,” He nods and moves so he is lying flat on his back. Minutes pass all there is is the stars and James’ breath, noticeably heavy. I turn over again to see him lightly sleeping, hands on his stomach, chest rising and falling. Our breathing sinks and I don't look away. He always looks good but when he's asleep, oh, it's ethereal. My eyes -as if they have a mind of their own- they scan James wanting to imprint the image of the peaceful, at rest, sleeping James in my brain. My eyes linger at his face, fully taking in his thick brown lashes beneath his glasses, his rosy lips. I wish those were the lips that had kissed me. I blink harshly, shaking my head, surprised at the thought. More surprised of how I would think it again. As I continue to stare I think it over and over again, not feeling the need to stop and shut myself down. James. My brain whispers the name to me. James. He's truly the sun, even without the big smile and personality, even when the sun has set and it is harder to see its effect but the effect is still present. It's as if looking at the moon and still appreciating it for the sunlight that reflects off it. Not something many people do, but still some would. That's what it's like looking at James asleep, appreciating him not for the show but just for the brightness he radiates even whilst sleeping. My eyes grow heavier and my blinking slows. I get comfortable on my side and feel myself drift off. Just a nap I tell myself before I am asleep. This dream is like no other I have had before. I'm in a field, the sun is beaming down on me. I'm lying on my back looking at the clouds. Unexpectedly the sun comes closer, stroking me with its warm beams. “Me?” I ask the sun questioningly “yes” the sun says and continues to wrap me up in its warmth. A cool breeze comes and the sun goes behind a cloud, “sun, sun” I call out but there's no response.
“Regulus''. I blink awake looking around. James, oh it's just James. He's ever so close and when I look down his hand is stroking my arm, filling me with warmth. His touch is so soft as if I were made out of porcelain and could be broken at any second. He stills when he sees me looking.
“James” I say breathlessly looking up at him.
“Don’t,” He says quietly, taking in a sharp breath, “don't look at me like that,” whispering. I continue to blink up at him, aware of his hand now resting on my forearm, a part of me wishing he didn’t stop stroking.
“What, what time is it?” I ask, making no move to leave.
“Late” James says and starts to shift, taking it as a sign to leave.
“Where are you going?” I ask, feeling too tired to get to my dorm.
“Come on,” he says, encouraging me to stand up. I take his outstretched hand feeling my hand fizz up with the touch. Once up I don’t let go, I hold my hand there and when I look up from where our hands are interlaced I see James looking at them just as I was. He lets go ever so slowly, before I can sigh in dismay he folds his arm under mine to help me walk back. The slight height difference makes it so he is carrying me more than I am walking. We walk like this down the stairs then to the corridor of my dorm.
“Mines..” I start ready to give him directions.
“I know.” The way he says it makes my insides warm, he carefully walks up to my door then stops right outside. “Well, good night” He says letting go of me, I feel cold without his touch and I find myself craving the warmth as if I am addicted.
“Good night James,” I said, not wanting to leave. “I noticed by the way” I find myself saying what I never thought I would.
“What did you notice?” James says as if we are about to share a secret, which maybe we are.
“I noticed the change… in you.” James just looks at me with a somewhat shocked expression. “Around half way through last year, when some of your smiles became forced and you carried yourself with less confidence when people weren’t looking. I was looking, I guess.”
“No-one noticed” He says, taking a step back. Shit i've said someone wrong, of course I have. As if all the fight was knocked out of him he slumps down against the wall head in his knees, I go down right next to him.
“I’m here James, I’m here” I say feeling as if my hand is burning at my side where it wants to pat and comfort him. I can’t bring myself to move it so instead I continue to say. “I'm here.”
With a shaky breath he looks up, our eyes locked.
“I just, it became more difficult, whatever I do I feel as if i'm failing.”
I let out a humourless laugh, “welcome to my world” I say.
“Reg” he says and he's the one to reach out to place his hand on top of mine. I feel myself fully relaxed with his warmth and I already know I'll never be fully at peace again if James isn’t touching me. It's so contrary to all the rules and barriers I have for myself but I can't find it in me to give a damn.
“You couldn’t fail even if you tried.”
“I did though, I failed him.” I feel the tension creep back in,
“Who?” I say trying for it to not sound laboured and failing.
“Sirius.. And you.” oh, what. I can't think of what to make of it, of any of it so we sit. The longer we sit the guiltier I feel say something Regulus, anything. What can I say though, I can't lie or talk about what I don't know. Despite everything, what I don't know isn't my brother, it can't be my brother because he is ingrained in my blood, in my DNA.
“You didn’t fail him, you saved him. Now you need to save yourself.” He slumps his head onto my shoulder but says nothing, we stay there for a while. Breathing in time, letting everything that was left unsaid slip away. Time passes, then some more. James gets up, gives me a small wave then walks off. I get up and slip into my room, at the sight of Evan the day I was trying to forget rushes back in but I'm much too exhausted to worry about it. I drift off fast.
I need to think. I can’t keep pushing things back and ignoring them. Too much has happened for me to process. But then on the other hand, some things have happened that I could have seen coming if my head wasn't so far up my own ass. Why am I like this?? I should probably stop blaming my parents. They may have a part to play but I am my own person. I can have my own opinions, right? It's all well and good but I know a part of me is holding out because of the knowledge that I'll have to go back home eventually. School is one world and back home is a whole other. I can’t fully shed the layers of misinformation my parents have drilled into me, at least not in terms of myself. It is inevitable though. The fact that James has started this awakening I could have never guessed. Nevertheless there's something there, even though it's one sided I can't help the way my stomach turns and my heart quickens. Even thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. I had an idea of my life and this wasn't in it. I like to have control, but I never had any, not actually.
I decided to not spend the morning spiralling and instead to get out of bed. I hop in the shower letting the cold water pelt down. Once out, I decide to go to Barty’s dorm, it's only 7.30 so he probably hasn't left for breakfast yet. I walk past people I vaguely know but have never interacted with. Obviously that isn't saying much, as I don't interact with people that aren't in my select friend group. Still I like to think how many people there are that I don't know. I don’t know their story, their life, and that's okay. I knock a few times on the door and wait for a few seconds. I can hear some muffled talking then “fine i'll get it.” Remus opens the door, hair wet from a shower.
“Hi” I say, unsure of myself knowing that Barty is there. “Could I talk to him?” He closes the door slightly and asks, I can't hear the conversation that well but it ends with a huff.
“He would rather not, he says he’ll speak to you later” then holding up quotation marks with his fingers, “It's too early for this shit, he says.”
“Okay, thanks anyway, tell him hi” I say, knowing full well he can hear me.
I’ve lost my appetite but decided to go to the common room on my way back to the dorm to grab a banana instead of a full breakfast. Dorcas is in there talking to some of her other friends, I think one of them is called Marlene. I don't know her well. Frank, Peter and Alice are on the other side of the room talking about something. I have to pass Dorcas to get to the fruit bowl and thankfully she just gives me a greeting smile and doesn't call me over. She probably knows I wouldn't like to talk to them. It’s not that I don't like her other friends, more that I don't like people. I get my banana and head out of there.
Evan is awake and ready for the day when I get back.
“Hey where have you been?” He asks innocently.
I hold up the banana as I say, “just getting breakfast, didn’t feel like that much.”
“Yeah and yesterday?” He asks with more of an interrogating tone, yeah I could have seen that question coming.
“I had things to do, studying and stuff”
“Right. Maybe next time I can study with you” he says back to nonchalant.
“Yeah that’d be good.” Thank goodness he lets it go. I think he would have persisted more if he didn't have to go get breakfast before school. I slowly start heading to my first class, biology since it's on the other side of the school. A part of me foolishly wants to talk to the Barty before the class starts. Though I know full well that he’ll be late. I hover around the classroom until the bell rings and then I am the first to walk in. I sit down at our usual lab and wait nervously for Evan and Barty to show up. They sit down and Evan greets me as per usual however Barty just stares at the ground for the whole lesson. We are doing theory so we don’t have to communicate much either way.
I head off to the next class realising we might have more to talk about than we can do in just before a class. I impatiently sit through the class wanting the bell to go so I can talk to the Party at break.
I head to the canteen wanting to find him before he sits down with everyone else so I don't have to ask him to leave in front of the others. I find him in line and I awkwardly stand behind him before I tap his shoulder. He turns around with a glare on his face (he doesn't like to be disturbed from getting food) then his face shifts to what I can only assume is indifference with a splash of annoyance.
“Hey” I say, then clear my throat, “can we talk outside once you have your food.” He nods still not fully meeting my gaze. He grabs his food then follows me out onto the main quad. We sit on a silver bench in silence and he takes a bite of his sandwich. I’m too anxious to eat anything so we sit. About two minutes pass before I attempt to speak.
“So.. about..” Barty interrupts me, putting down his food.
“Just don’t, how about we forget about it?” I sit and think, a big part of me wanting nothing more than to forget about it but knowing that we probably shouldn't. I value my friendship with Barty and I don't want anything to get in the way of that.
“I don't think we should. I don't want to pressure you to talk but..”
Barty lets out an exasperated huff, “fine, I’m sorry ok, it was a mistake.”
“A mistake as in an accident, because I totally understand you were in a vulnerable state.”
“No, not really more of a mistake that I did it. Sure I wasn’t thinking that clearly but a part of me doesn't regret it.”
“Oh” I say because oh.
“I liked you ok, in our first year before… before I got close with Evan and all of those feelings came rushing back I guess. You were so mysterious.”
“Okay, so you and Evan are..”
“Nothing. More than nothing? I don't know but we haven’t talked about it and I don't want to tell him about what happened.”
“No course not. Also if I may, I think you should tell him you want to be something. You should see the way he looks at you.”
“You should see the way you’ve been looking lately.” This catches me off guard.
“Wait, what do you mean?”
“Love stars in your eyes, walking just a bit lighter, especially after you disappear. Have you met someone? I won't be jealous I don't really have feelings for you anymore”
“I’ve met someone, but it's not like that for them.” It's the truth but why does it feel riddled with lies? Sure I could say I've met someone but that someone is my brother's best friend who is now simply my friend. Also I only really realised for myself just yesterday.
“Them?” Barty asks and I don't know what to do.
“Him” I say quietly, a part of me waiting for the shock and reprimand but it doesn't come.
“That's great.” Barty says just as the bell rings, signalling we need to go to the next class. Evan is in it and he asks where we were, I tell him we just had to talk. He looks like a wounded puppy since it was without him and I feel somewhat bad. Hopefully he’ll have a good conversation with Barty soon enough and that’ll cheer him up.
The rest of the day is easier, it feels as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Last period I had free time so I went to the library to revise for a bio test and then I headed back to the dorm. Once Evan gets back he tells me he's going to hang out with Barty, Pandora and Dorcas but I decline the invitation desperately needing some time to recharge my social battery. I head down for dinner at 6.30, the hunger from the day finally kicking in. Although I have a more regular eating schedule here, my body still hasn't adjusted to feeling hunger all that often. Stiff in fight or flight mode from when back home I would be punished with meal privileges being taken away. I remember how Sirius used to be punished more than me and our parents would make him go days without food. I would always manage to sneak something up to him. When he left there was no one to sneak food to me.
The thought brings the wave of sorrow back to me that's never far gone.
My friends are already eating their dinner so I got some (lasagna) and joined them. We finish and chat until it's 7.30 ish then head back to our dorms; Barty pulling Evan back to talk to him before we enter ours. I head in giving them their privacy but also knowing I'll be hearing about what happened from both of them later. I’ve settled in to writing in my journal on my bed when Evan comes back with a giddy smile on his face.
“Hi,” I say, feeling my lips twitch up as I see his slight blush. I sit up and pat the space next to me on my bed which he takes eagerly.
“He likes me. Like more than a friend.” I chuckle to myself at how oblivious they are but let him continue. “We don't want to ruin our friendship but we are going to take the risk. Then when I said I liked him back he pulled me in for a hug and kissed me!” Evans' voice is so full of excitement my heart just about bursts.
“I’m so happy for you both.” I mean every word.
We both went to sleep happily that night.