Chapter 7
Saturday is wasted with sleep and a hangover. Snippets of memories coming back to me from the night before but most of it is lost to me. Mainly I remember cheap tequila. I wake up fully around 12 and turn to see Evan still fast asleep. I hop out of bed quietly and head to have a shower. The person I am faced with in the mirror looks a mess. Bed hair and dark circles under my eyes. The cold shower wakes me up fully and afterwards I find myself to be hungry. I check my phone to find two voicemails from Pandora and Barty. I sit to listen to them.
Barty, 12.36am:
“Where are you, we are playing foosball with some year 11s.” Then there is a loud shout in the background, “ that's what you get for being a sore loser Frank,” I involuntarily grimace at the mention of him. “Come back and have fun.”
Pandora, 1.00am:
“Where are you, did you leave, you were meant to be my wingman, everyone is still here. She's still here talking with Mary and your Brother. Oh wait she's coming over. I need you here.” I do feel bad for leaving without telling them but I was so drunk I can't even remember the night so it was probably good I left. Pandora forgot to hang up so the voicemail includes the conversation with Lily. “Hey,” Lily's voice echoes in my ears, she sounds nervous, or apologetic maybe. “Hey” Pandora says nonchalantly. “I just wanted to see you, it's been a while,”
“Yeah that was intentional,” I know Pandora can be cold at times but I also know that she cares about lily.
“Yeah ok, well how have you been?”
“I'm not really in the mood for small talk, why don't you continue talking to Mary.”
“Mary? No, they were just asking if I knew where James was.” The mention of James makes my heart beat faster, for no reason,
“Right well bye.”
“Oh, bye, see you later.” Pandora doesn't speak and I would have thought the voicemail had ended if I couldn’t hear the background noises from the party. “Oh right, Regulus, pls come back Barty is too into this foosball, Dorcas is drunk and Evan is clinging to Barty.”
The voicemail finishes and I set my phone down. I do feel bad about leaving, so I decide to go find Pandora and food.
I knock on the door of Pandora's dorm but there's no response for about a minute. Just as I'm about to leave the door creaks open to reveal a rough looking Dorcas.
“Oh hi, come in” Dorcas’ voice is as soothing and tuneful as ever, only just a bit lower as if she just woke up.
“Thank you” I say and go to sit on the edge of Pandora's bed.
“Where were you last night?”
“Oh I just left early,”
“With James?”
“Huh” I say confused.
“Oh I just saw you leave together and then when he came back he was all happy and dancing around with…” sirius my mind finishes for her. James walked me back? I suppose that rings a few bells.
“I was pretty drunk I don't really remember,” I could put effort in to continue the conversation, but thankfully that isn’t expected of me with my friends and I am in no mood to. Did Sirius see that James left with me? I guess not because in the voicemail Sirius was with Mary and they were talking about where he was. Thank goodness, James needs to stop being dumb, I can’t have Sirius hate me anymore than he does. But there would be some sweet irony in him thinking i’m stealing his best friend when said best friend stole him from me.
I know that isn’t what happened exactly but I've been telling myself that ever since he chose to leave and live with James because the truth that he is leaving and not taking me is my fault is too much for me to handle right now.
Pandora exits the shower, hair still wet dripping on her whale t-shirt.
“I didn’t expect you to be here” She says and I can feel her annoyance radiate off her.
“I’m sorry for leaving” I stumble out “I wouldn't have been much help anyway I was so drunk”
“Yeah it's fine” hearing her say it relief floods over me and I release a deep breath. Pandoras not one to hold grudges with her friends but if she really wanted to she could hold a pretty good grudge.
“Are you hungry?” I ask and dorcas chimes in
“Starving!” So we decide to go into town to get some food, texting the groupchat with Evan and Barty to ask if they want to come. When we don't get an answer we assume they are still asleep.
I’m extremely thankful for the shops down the road from the school. Most pupils find it hard to get permission to leave on the weekends but since our year group coordinator knows we are good students we are generally allowed. When we arrive back at school something is a bit off. We look for Evan and Barty in their dorms but can’t find them. Disrupting our search the voice of the headmaster reverberated over the loudspeakers. “Could the following students come to my office: Lily, Mary, Frank, Pandora, Dorcas, Regulus.”
We look at each other, all of us mirroring the confused look on our faces. We head to the office and get no clarity when we arrive at a very full waiting room. I spot Evan and Barty whispering in the corner and we head to them. Glancing around I see a few years 11 and 12s I vaguely remember as well as James, Remus, Sirius and Peter huddled and deliberating. I already get a bad feeling about all of this.
“Come in everyone.” Professor Dumbeldore’s voice booms.
We all scurry into an expansive room that I have only been in once before.
“Sit down and listen. As you may have figured out you are here today because you were spotted out of your rooms past curfew. It is assumed that you were all attending a party. There may have been others in attendance but we only had various teachers saying they saw you students specifically.” There's a slight murmur in the room and Professor Dumbeldore lets out a disappointed sigh. “Of course this can not go unpunished. One of you was discovered drunk so it can be assumed that there was alcohol. We are aware some of you are of legal drinking age and we have always been more lenient on year 12s so if you are in year 12 you will be required to write a short essay on the effects of alcohol. Year 12s, you are dismissed.” Around 10 people leave the room leaving the year 11s and our friendship group. If I felt out of place at the party, this is 10 times worse.
“As for the rest of you, I am disappointed, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you weren’t drinking because that would be illegal. However you were still at a party after curfew and for that you will have weekly detention for a month. Go see Ms Mcgonagall to find the detention arrangements.” We all get up slowly. I make an effort to avoid eye contact, looking intently at the ground. The group of about 20 of us head to the office opposite which is a bit smaller. My brother and his friends’ presence is becoming harder to ignore, especially as they seem to have little care for being in trouble. Naturally, they wouldn’t care as they are always getting into trouble. My only source of relief in this situation is that I don't believe they will be contacting parents since there are so many people. The low mumble of voices is abruptly silenced with Ms Mcgonagall’s voice.
“So, we have detention arrangements to sort out, needless to say I am disappointed in each and every one of you.” I have heard the word disappointed so much that I have become desensitised to it. “Once a week for a month you will split up to clean a classroom or storage room. You will keep the same groups as follows.” clearing her throat she proceeds to read out the groupings, “Group 1: Pandora Lovegood, Emmeline Vance, Remus Lupin and Evan Rosier. Group 2: Peter Pettigrew, Severus Snape, Lily Evans and Bertha Jorkins. Group 3: James Potter, Mary Macdonald, Barty Crouch jr and Sybil Trelawney. Lastly group 4: Sirius Black, Dorcas Meadowes, Marlene Mckinnon and Regulus Black,” I have to restrain myself from letting a groan out, although it would be a proper response. A month of cleaning with my brother, surely I just ignore him and stick with Dorcas the whole time.
Rather drained from the whole ordeal, we walk back in silence not really feeling guilt, more disappointment we were found out. I want to know which teacher saw me walking back, a few come to mind that are normally extra sticky about rules. We end up heading back to Evan and my dorm and put a movie on the background. I would prefer to crawl up in a ball on my bed but I suppose having people around distracts myself from my ever running brain. Dorcas and Pan leave an hour or so after the movie finishes. Feeling rather famished since it's nearing late afternoon I ask Barty and Even if they want a snack. They mutter a collective “sure” but make no move to go get some food. “ I guess I'll go get it then” I say, sounding more annoyed than I actually am, them being used to my moods don’t take offence instead wave me off. “Don't do stuff on my bed” I say half joking, this makes them look up Evan with a light blush spreading across his face. Barty with a mischievous grin. “You didn’t say please so you never know.” Barty says smiling up at me. Letting out a light chuckle I close the door behind me and head down to the kitchen. Word travels fast in the school so I hope I haven't ruined my good student reputation. It comes with perks such as asking the canteen lady’s for snacks instead of the stale ones left out.
I knock on the canteen door and see the familiar smile of the old canteen lady.
“Regulus!” she exclaims cheerfully. “Come for some food I suppose, I was just meal prepping, feel free to grab some snacks.” I let out a breath of relief and walk in to see containers with various chopped vegetables and some unchopped ones,
“Do you need any help prepping?” I ask only to get a smile that warms me from the inside.
“Oh aren’t you sweet, no i’ll be fine.” sweet, not something I can say i've been called before.
I go and grab a bag of grapes, purple, my favourite and a pack of rice crackers. I still as I'm about to reach for them when I hear someone else entering the canteen. By the sound of their voice I know instantly who it is.
“Aah Gladys! How has your day been? Meal prepping I see, sometime I can help you. I miss cooking with my parents.” Would he just quit it? Why does he have to be so perky and amiable all the time?
“Oh James, that would be nice. I had a great day. Would you like to grab a snack? Or can I whip something up?” She didn’t offer that to me.
“I'll just grab something, I have people waiting for me.”
“Ok dear, take whatever.” Only when they stop talking and I hear James’ footsteps coming towards me do I realise I've messed up. I should have exited whilst they were talking. Now it looks like I am hiding in here. I quickly grab the crackers and rush out only to bump straight into him. With a low huff I step back.
“Regulus.” James says first then looks at my hands. “Getting a snack? Purple grapes, bad choice.” Distracted I counter
“What are you a green grape person?”
“Actually, I am” he says, way too smug for a conversation about grapes.
“Yeah, never mind that checks out.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well you're just wrong about most things so this is just one more.” I stand there fully expecting a rebuttal but instead I just find a preoccupied James staring at my hair. Instinctively, I touch it and for just a second before he speaks again he leans forward ever so slightly as if he is about to reach out and touch it as well. He clears his throat,
“Well, I will grab a pack of green grapes.” He walks past me just brushing my shoulder, a shiver runs though my body and I head out of the pantry. When I open the door my stomach drops to my feet. I see a large group of people right in front of me. No not just people but, Sirius, Remus, Frank, Peter, Mary and Lily. I feel stuck but I can't be, not right now, not here. They turn to look at me probably assuming I’m James and it's the first time in so long that Sirius looks me in the eyes. There's something in his eyes when he realises it's me that is too close to disappointment that I might actually crawl into a ball on the floor right here. I hear James’ footsteps behind me and it might just be the first time I am wholeheartedly thankful for James’ presence. He walks past me and as he joins his group as they leave. He looks back just once to find me still standing where I was when I saw the group. I feel myself glare at the back of their heads especially as Frank swings his arm over James’ shoulder. I feel the need to scream. Everyday I see people I have a bad day, so every day is bad. I trudge back to my room and lay the food out for Barty and Evan who are in the exact same position as when I left them. Grumpily and a tad in shock I eat my purple grapes.
I wake up frantic from a nightmare with no recollection of falling asleep but I am in my bed and the sun is peeking through the curtains. I roll over and check the time at 6.09 am. Early enough to keep sleeping but I just know I won't be able to sleep again. I twist over and see the Evan shaped lump that has become a consistent comfort to see every morning. Grounding me in the knowledge that I am at school and not alone in that big house. I slip on some tracksuit pants and keep the tank top I slept in. Sliding into my shoes I head down for the oval. I set my mind on 8 laps of the oval but by the 5th I was tired. I push on nevertheless when I see someone in the distance running around the oval with me. It's quite a large oval so I doubt that they'll catch up, therefore I keep running unfazed. In my peripherals I can tell the person is gaining on me and it actually helps me speed up. I finish up my final lap and start doing some cool down stretches. Just as I do I see the person sprinting towards me. That's why they were gaining on me; they were sprinting. They slow down a few metres in front of me and of course it's none other than James Potter. Seriously, it's a big school and yet I've seen him so much- too much in the past two days. He's panting so he can’t start up conversation thankfully. I start heading to the showers only to have James jog up to me.
“Hey” he says casually, friends I have to remind myself.
“Hi” I say, aiming for chill. He just laughs at me, or maybe with me because I find myself helplessly beginning to smile. I shut that down.
“How long did you run for?” James asks, as if interviewing me for a position.
“Not too long” I say, unsure of each word that leaves my mouth.
“Maybe.. We could run together some time” he hesitates glancing at me, “maybe”
“Maybe” I say, “are you heading for the showers now?” I ask not wanting a repeat of the other time.
“No, I have to keep training. Get in shape for the footy season.” I actually scoff at this despite myself. “What” he says sounding.. Hurt?
“Get in shape?” I say “like you aren't already.”
“I'm not really i've slacked off and let myself go over break and this is a big year for me.” I almost tell him he hasn’t let himself go, I saw his toned abs just the other week. But I thankfully stop myself, something that I have failed at recently. Instead I just nod and we keep walking almost at the showers. Once there James turns to me and says “well, have a nice shower” then gives me a prolonged once over and I can just see him thinking thoughts.
“Stop” i say
“Stop what?” he asks innocently.
“Looking at me like.. That”
“I can't help it, you stop looking that good.” At this I slightly snicker knowing I am sweaty and disgusting from my run, nevertheless I feel my face heating up.”Ugh now you're doing that cute blushing thing that you do.” That I do? I feel my heart twirl and I really need to go have a shower.
“ You shouldn’t be saying these things, what would Frank think?” this stops him, he looks confused.
“Frank?”
“Yeah aren’t you two a.. Thing”
“Oh Frank, we're just friends.”
“Friends who make out at parties?”
“You were watching us make out at the party” Oh shit, why does he always twist my words?
“Course not that'd be disgusting, I just thought maybe you were dating.”
“Disgusting because it's me or because it's two guys?” Jesus, how did the conversation go so askew. I waver for a second too long.
“You obviously. Anyway, good you're not dating, I have to go have a shower.”
“Maybe I am dating, just not him.” His voice is taunting but I can't help myself.
“Well, are you dating anyone?” At this point I don't know why we are still talking, things just keep coming out of my mouth.
“Not that it's for you to know, but no I am not, I might want to though.” At this we are in silence, he looks at me for so long that it's hard to rip my gaze away.
“Well, bye then.” I say hurrying off to have a shower. I take my time to make sure he isn't still in the gym when I get out. I step out to find him gone, meaning I'm successful, but I still find myself double checking to see if he's there. He isn’t so I head back to the dorm undisturbed.
Back in my dorm I find Evan awake which is unexpected, he looks shaken,
“Hi, “ I say, testing the water, he looks up promptly and I can fully see his face as if he has seen a ghost. “Is everything alright?”
“I- I just got off a call from my dad”
“Oh” I say knowing a little bit of his father, his father is brother to my aunt and has come to family gatherings, Rosier Sr kept to himself mostly unless talking business.
“ The conversation was short but he said I need to get myself together, that I'm almost an adult and am to help with the business so I need to be a respectable young man, not a school boy. I don’t know if he found out about the detentions or if the call was unprovoked. I hope it was the latter although that is more confusing.” Evans' voice is shaky as he speaks and what his father is saying reminds me so much of my own that I get chills.
“You're 16 evan, you have time.” is all i manage to say, it seems to console him a bit but we both know he’ll always be a bit stressed about becoming an adult and taking over. Just as I am, now that I am the main (only) son, my father has been putting more pressure on me. School has been a sanctuary, at home it has been an influx of work and ‘training’ but vague enough so that I still don't even have an idea of the business I am supposed to join. I knew that Sirius had to do extra work to prepare for him going into the business but I never knew quite how much. Last break they had me hauled up in my room finishing multiple booklets a day by hand, no breaks.
I put on some music and we sat in silence for a bit, how we like it. I am next to him writing in my journal which he never feels the need to look over at because he respects that I don't let anyone read anything. Whilst Evan is looking at something on his phone. At around 9 we decided to get breakfast just at the buffet in the canteen. I settle for a banana and Evan has a bowl of cereal, I haven't been able to try cereal. I was never allowed it at home because it's too sugary and that has caused me to not try it.
There's not much to do around school on the weekends and going out to the shops can get boring after a while but nevertheless thats where we head, we wait for Barty to pull himself out of bed and get ready then we walk down to the local shops not looking for anything in particular. Barty finds a yoyo and the second he looks at it you can see the childlike spark ignites in him.
“I'm going to get so good at it” He promises excitedly, knowing him he’ll probably try for a while then give up but he buys it either way. I can't find anything. Evan gets some hair scissors saying he needs a cut. I fully assume he is planning to do it himself but on the way back he asks me if i want to. His hair is blonde and straight so probably not very forgiving if the cuts were blocky or not blended.
“What do you want me to let Barty have at my hair, he’d get trigger happy with the scissors.”
“Hey!” Barty exclaims but I see Evans' point.
“Just get Dorcas to do it she can do hair.” I say.
Evan thinks for a bit then agrees. So that's how we ended up in Pandora and Dorcas’ dorm with a towel on the floor and Dorcas meticulously cutting Evans hair. Barty tries to scare her a few times so she messes up with the scissors but fails so goes back to playing with his new yoyo. Pandora and I sit on her bed watching the cut and Evan keeps asking if it looks good or if it's finished yet. Dorcas gets fed up with him, keeping on turning to ask us how it's looking so she threatens to cut it all off if he doesn't stop. That gets him to sit still until the end of the cut. Evan warily gets up to look in the mirror to see his hair, it's shorter than before but not that different. Instinctively he looks to Barty to get confirmation that it looks good.
“I like it” is all that Barty says but it's sufficient enough for Evan, his face glowing with a pink blush to it.
We decide to have dinner in their room that consists of Pandora and I going down stairs to scrounge up copious amounts of snacks. Pandora seems better lately, Lily on her mind less. She always is so wise and I just hope she took her own advice for once. Now is not the time to have these conversations with her whilst walking through the halls but still my mind drums with things I want to talk about with her. Advice I want from her than I know she will be willing to give. After a while I assume she would try and get me to think of it on my own, although I never seem to be able to. If someone is not blatantly telling me I will just shove it down. There's Pandora's voice in my head again telling me how unhealthy that is and to be honest I'm thankful for her presence right now as we bring the snacks back to the room. Everyone is grateful and we slowly make our way through all the snacks. At around 8 I can already feel the exhaustion from the day seep in since I woke up early. I look around to where Evan is gazing at Barty from across the small room. Barty would be stupid if he didn’t notice the way Evan looks at him with such yearning, yet it is Barty so I don't really know. He jokes around enough so you never truly know what is going on in his head. It's always fascinated me and I find myself wanting to pick peoples brains apart so I can fully know the way it works. I don’t want to disturb Evan so I don’t tell him I want to go back until he is practically dosing off on Dorcas’s bed. We walk back lethargically and I fall straight into my bed as Evan has a shower, the day playing over in my mind. One thing in particular plays like a broken record ‘Not that its for you to know, but no I am not, I might want to though’ James voice rings clear as day even if the meaning of what he was trying to say was not clear. Of course he wants to be dating someone, most people do right? But is it anyone or someone specific. I don’t know why I find myself contemplating so much but I decided it's just because my brain always needs something to over analyse.
Sleep comes but I'd be lying if I said it was restful. Instead it leads me to wake up throughout the night, my father's voice echoing in my brain, his disappointment there every time I dare to close my eyes. As a child I never was scared of monsters under my bed, why would I be scared of such trivial things when there is more to be scared of. That logic didn’t necessarily apply to everything as I was still scared of the dark. Was being a loose term because tonight I find myself needing a light in the darkness. The only place I look is out the window to the sky. Shining stars, the comfort and security of knowing they'll be there when I need them to show me the light. I look and look, breathing in the safety of the light they emit.