Chapter 6
I wake up later on wednesday so I don’t have time for a run, but I go to the gym to do some stretching feeling stiff like I always seem to. I go through the movements ingrained into my brain from the years of dance I took. It wasn’t optional and the teachers' methods were harsh but I found myself liking the art form. Just as I am finishing, a sweaty morning ridden James walks in, probably on his way to have a shower in the change rooms which was exactly my plan and I will not compromise it just because James shows up at an inconvenient time. I head in first wanting to get in the shower before he does. I am unsuccessful.
“Hi” I hear a quiet voice from behind me, none of James’ usual perk and charm, I chalk it up to it being early but that doesn’t sit right in my brain as he was perky enough the other day earlier than this. Against my better judgement I turn around to face him running his hand through his sweat damp hair. “Hey” I say, just as timid as him.
“Yoga?” He asks
“Yeah was feeling tight and sore” his eyes spark a bit, I’m not sure why until he chimes- happier now,
“I could help with that, the tightness, but it might leave you sore.” My eyes feel like they are going to burst out of my head, is he insinuating what I think he is?! Images flood my brain and I internally slap myself, how could I lose control of myself so much to even think that's what he was saying, he was probably thinking of a massage. More pictures flood my brain, overly sensual massages. I internally slap myself again reminding myself that it's not only a guy but it's James. I have to hold back from audibly gagging at this realisation. I head off to have a shower and as I am scrubbing myself with the soap I brought I hear a shower near me turn on. Knowing it's James I have to tell myself not to picture him which never goes well and I just end up picturing him soapy and dripping. I disgust myself and continue to scrub even harder now until my skin is raw and burning from the water pelting down. I step out of the shower a towel wrapped around my waist. Across the room James has his towel wrapped around his waist, he has his back to me and I feel my eyes linger a second too long on the defined muscles that reside in his back. As if he could feel me looking he cautiously turns around meeting my eyes before he lingers to my exposed torso. I feel mine do the same and he abruptly crosses his arms over his stomach. I try to hide the disappointment from my face, James is ripped for lack of a better word and I was merely looking from envy, nothing more. He turns and heads to a change room to get dressed. I quickly slip on clothes and head out turning back once before leaving to just catch James exiting the change room. Once again our eyes meet and I can't help but feel a sense of comfort as I look into them.
The day carries on and to say I'm distracted would be the understatement of the century. I can't seem to focus in any class, replaying the locker room situation again and again in my head. Berating myself for acting the way I did and thinking about the things I had. I can’t let those thoughts corrupt my brain I hear and it is so blatantly my mum's voice but I can't seem to tune it out.
I have maths with Pandora and Barty, during our individual revision time Pandora turns to me with a questioning look.
“What?” I say in a hushed whisper no ill natured note to my voice.
“ You seem, “ she starts visibly concerned, “off. It’s like I can see you talking to yourself negatively in your head from the way you keep minutely wincing”
“Oh,” I say unaware I had lost control of my expression even slightly, because it would have been slightly but Pandora would have noticed.
“Are you ok? Is what i'm trying to ask”
“Fine” I say reflexively, then reconsider, “ I'm just trying to work through a few things in my head.”
“Ok, I'm here if you need help working things out.” I don’t answer her but I let that sink in and a part of me knows I'll probably take her up on the offer. The teacher gives us a stern look and we get back to our work.
My thoughts are drowned out at lunch with Barty and Dorcas in another one of their friendly debates. Not sure exactly how it started but they are passionately arguing about the best school topic, leaving no room for the realisation that people have different opinions. All they agree on is that it's not maths. I don’t give my input, I just sit and eat, watching Evan out of the corner of my eye. Seeing the way his face lights up when Barty asks Evan to back him up, which he does every time despite him not actually agreeing. I don’t see James in the dining hall, not that i’m looking for him but his presence is a noticeable one.
When Evan and I meet up with everyone again after all of our classes are done for the day, Barty and Dorcas have put their disagreements aside, as if it never happened and we find them in the courtyard behind the gym where they go to have a smoke. They offer me one but I decline and Evan and Barty share one. Pandora was busy with Lily presumably much to my disappointment. We sit and chat until the sun starts to set, I tell them I want an early night so I head off. Instead of going back to my dorm my feet take me up to the tower. I didn’t realise how much I had missed being alone up here until I settled in on the balcony. I watch the sky seeing as every star begins to show itself. I relaxed almost completely for the first time today until I heard someone step on the creaky floorboard. One person comes to mind but I don't turn to check in case it's not them.
“Hi,” James’ voice floats to me, shy and wary. I inhale sharply before turning to look at him. He's in low hanging pyjama pants and a jumper with a sun on it. Just as he walks in I recall the date, 23rd of august.
“Hi” I say just as warmly as him.
“May I?” He points to the space next to me. I nod before I can stop myself, for some reason I feel my breath hitch when he sits down close enough for me to feel the warmth he radiates, but not touch me. “The stars look extra special tonight, you can see the leo constellation really well”
“You remembered what it looks like,” I say, recalling when I pointed it out to him.
“Of course,” he looks over at me with such a fond look that my heart skips a beat.
“It looks better tonight because the Regulus star is in conjunction with the sun, it happens once a year.” I can’t seem to tear my gaze away from him as I tell him, he's looking at them with such wonder. I can feel a warmth glow within me. Almost like the effect the sun has on the regulus star, James has on me I think to myself and have to bink forcefully to get it to go away. Then I realise, I don't want it to, I want the warmth to spread throughout my body lighting me up like I have never been before. I’m startled back to the moment when I feel a light brush of James’ pinky next to mine, unlike me, I don't pull away. Instead we sit watching the stars with a small yet ever so important point of contact. After what I know is around 20 minutes but doesn’t feel long enough, James clears his throat next to me.
“Regulus,” he rasps out and it sends a shiver down my spine.
“Don’t” I say before he even starts.
“I, I like being here with you” he goes on and it takes everything in me not to get up and walk away, but I can still feel his finger touching mine and it grounds me. “I like being friends with you.”
“Friends?!'' I scoff quietly but when I turn to see him with his head down and a somewhat defeated look on his face I feel instant guilt and try to explain. “You.. have friends James, so surely you can see that I am not one of them,” my heart shrinks a bit as I continue, “you have your whole group of friends, who are loud and funny, like you, i'm not like that.”
“No you're not” I knew this but hearing him say it hurts for some reason, I thought I stopped letting James hurt me long ago. “It's different with you Regulus, it's unfiltered, it's calm and when you.. When you look at me it feels like you are actually seeing me.” I don’t know how to respond to that so I turn and lay on my back focusing on the stars. But as I look at them they just remind me of James, the sun.
“Friends.” I agree and he turns to lie on his back as well. Before I know it I'm drifting off to a light sleep. I wake up to the rustle next to me, blinking sleepily to see James laying his jumper on top of me, we are face to face and I can feel the breath he pulls in when he notices I've woken up.
“You have goosebumps,'' he explains, not moving from where his face is over mine. I breathe slowly, still sleepy not quite having come back to reality, it's hard when this is the reality I find myself in. I nod ever so slightly and he spreads the jumper out brushing my torso with so much care, then pulls back. I lie with the warmth of James’ jumper on top of me for 5 minutes or so when I sit up slowly, the jumper falling into my lap. I check the time to see it’s almost 12. It feels as if the world shifts and like I have lost so much time. This happens to me often but no one is normally there with me. It’s normally when I'm trying to force the days to go faster back at home because the loneliness, even for me, becomes unbearable.
“Were you here the whole time?” I ask James, remembering he is next to me.
“Yeah, I think I might have nodded off for a bit as well.” James stayed with me, even though he was so tired he fell asleep and when he woke up he decided to give me his jumper to warm me up. He must notice me staring at the jumper in my lap so he points at it as he tells me I can put it on. Before I realise I'm slipping into his jumper, still warm from when he was wearing it. We sit listening to each other breathe before he speaks again. “I should go, but I don’t mind staying.” he says then backtracks, “no I mean I would like to stay, it's just late”
“Yeah” I say, a touch of disappointment in my voice that I wish I had hidden better, especially when he reached out to pat me on the back. Not sarcastically or sympathetically. He simply places his hand below my shoulder, lingering for a moment then stands up. He looks down into my eyes just as I look up into his. I feel small drowning in his jumper with him towering over me. But not in an intimidating way, more that we are both stuck in each other's eyes. He blinks a couple of times and offers me his hand. I take a deep breath and stand up by myself, then start walking towards the door before turning back to say a small goodnight. As I walk down the stairs I can ever so faintly hear James’, “ goodnight Reg, my friend, my star.”
I shake my head believing my ears must have deceived me but knowing they didn’t.
The week draws out ever so slowly until it's finally friday. There is only one thing on my mind but I would rather it not be. Evan as observant as ever seems to have noticed,
“are u okay you seem a bit spaced out.. More than usual.” he sounds genuinely concerned and I can't help myself from letting his caring words sink in, relaxing my shoulders from where I sit reading on my bed.
“Yeah just a lot on my mind”
“It can be good to talk about things,” he tries but is already looking back at his book knowing I won’t take him up on his offer. I like Evan, it's easy with him and he's not judgemental, so why wouldn’t I talk to him, with vagueness of course. It feels as if my voice is stuck in my head and if the words got out they would be gibberish. I take a deep breath, only then realising I needed to. I start abstract,
“How do you know what's ok, not for others but for yourself, if the voice in your head isn’t your own and you're just now realising this?” Evan breathes in contemplating the mess of what I just asked. Regret begins to seep in but before it can take root, Evan offers his advice,
“ Yeah, well of course you need boundaries but if you feel like those have been preemptively set up before you could decide if you want them, then maybe you need to tell yourself that. Actively, when you hear a voice telling you something isn’t ok for you but you find it ok for others then tell the voice that you hold yourself to the same standards as others and treat yourself with the same respect.” wow Evan is good at advice, seems like he's been waiting to give me some for a while ready for when I asked. I let the words soak in, boundaries, what's ok for others is ok for me, treat myself with respect? That last part, not sure if I can do it, I only treat people with respect when it's earned and I have done more than nothing to earn my own respect. My thought process is cut short as someone starts frantically knocking on the door. I get up to find a troubled mess of Pandora's hand still raised to knock again, when she sees the door open she pushes right through and faces plants on my bed. I give Evan a look and he leaves us. Dubiously she raises her head looking to check we are alone then tucks herself against the wall.
“W-what's wrong?” I am unsure how to start.
“Lily”
“Oh” I say then backtrack I don't know how to comfort people but for Pandora I'll try, “what happened?”
“I think shes sleeping with her roommate”
“Oh” I say again, sounding like a broken record. I'm failing miserably, what's new? “Are you sure?”
“Well as sure I can be without walking in on them. You should see the way they are with each other, they're practically rubbing it in my face.”
“Do you want me to talk to her?” I offer not wanting to have to follow through but knowing I would.
“No, I think I just have to stop seeing her.” My heart hurts at the broken sound of her voice, she had something good going, she introduced her to the group. The hurt turns to anger and I want nothing more than to go to Lily’s dorm and chide them. Alas, I don't, instead we sit together until I can hear that Pan's breathing is steadying out.
“All I need is you anyway.” my heart absolutely melts at the thought of being needed, although I know she's only saying it off the back of a somewhat breakup. I turn to look at her, blonde hair out splayed on her shoulders, porcelain skin and thoughtful eyes. She's objectively stunning and yet I feel nothing but platonic friendship. That isn’t so strange. I'm not someone that believes girls and boys can't be just friends. I don't know what persuades me to ask what I do next,
“How did you know you liked her?”
“Her or women?” I’m completely caught off guard with her answering the question with another,
“Either..?” I reply
“I didn’t always know I liked girls but I felt it. With Lily, she was just so bright and my stomach would flutter, as cliche as it sounds. More than that she made me feel safe and accepted.” A sad smile spreads across her face and selfishly I am happy to see it anyway.
“You always felt like you liked girls.”
“Yeah, it wasn't that simple, I had to experiment as everyone does but I knew I wasn't straight, not in a ‘look at random shirtless men and swoon’ way.”
“Experiment” I hear how stupid i’m sounding as I repeat what she's just said but my brain is slow at comprehending right now. Pandora has the patience of a monk.
“Well I suppose not everyone experiments” she says, turning to give me a knowing look. We don’t talk about these things in regards to me but she knows I never do anything with anybody when I'm dragged to parties or anything.
“ yeah but most people do, at 16 most people have at least that figured out.” She can evidently tell I’m disheartened because she takes a softer tone,
“Some people do yeah, but even if they do things change, life is fluid and ever moving.”
How did I get stuck with such wise friends?
“Sorry, I was meant to give you advice about Lily but just got you to give me some.”
“No I think you made me realise things, if it will happen with Lily it will, life is fluid after all”
I let out a strangled laugh, “ha yeah it is.”
Despite the amount of advice my friends have given me my brain still clouds allowing myself only a fragment more clarity. In the back of my mind the voice of my Father always echoing, “don't disappoint us, do what needs to be done”. Taking Evans' instruction I block it out. I need to find myself without someone else’s preconceived ideas. Even the thought of starting to try to do that is daunting and it feels like I'm being disloyal.
Pandora ropes me into going to a secret party with her to cheer her up. Barty, Evan and Dorcas were apparently already planning on going so we headed out, following vague instructions some year 11 in Pandora’s chemistry class gave her. We arrive at a door on the second floor. Upon opening it a ladder drops down and Barty goes up first. Hesitating for a second or two I reluctantly climbed. Once at the top I scan the room already feeling out of place and analysed. It’s mostly year 11 and 12s, wearing stylish clothing. Whereas I am in my plain black jeans with a plain green jumper. These people are wearing layers yet not much clothing, accessorising to the max and lazily bobbing around to some R&B type music. Barty has already approached a group of people he seems to know with Evan close to him as per usual. Dorcas has gone straight to the drinks and I can't think of anything to do other than get one. I come to a halt when I see the unfortunately familiar back of James’ head making out with someone about a metre away from the drinks. I continue walking to get a drink suddenly in dire need of one. I pour myself a cup of tequila and instantly feel flushed as I look over and accidentally see James has changed his positioning, getting a better look at who he is making out with. It appears to be Frank Longbottom. I recall him being his year group leader for a year but I don't remember which one. I take my jumper off and stare down into my drink as if there's something interesting in there. Feeling rather claustrophobic, all of a sudden I unbutton my top two buttons, knowing if James is here Sirius and Remus are probably as well. I scan the room but the pillars holding up the roof make it a bit difficult. I desperately need to find one of my friends. As if he heard my thoughts a comforting voice calls my attention.
“Come on star boy” Barty slurs rather close to my ear. “We need to go dance!”
I would rather die than insert myself into the middle of the crowd of people but I would prefer anything than standing near James who has finally stopped making out with Frank and is only just cheesily flirting with him. I just know he thinks he has game when he doesn't.
I follow Barty to where Evan and Pandora are lazily dancing and simply stand there.
“No!” Barty protests, “ at least sway a little.” I feel extremely awkward, wanting nothing more than to crawl into my bed and never get out. How is this easy for some people, not just the dancing but the socialising, being around people. Spotting a couch in the corner I devise a plan to get there which entails weaving through the thick crowd of drunk people. I don’t bring myself to do it, especially not alone but thankfully Pandora is getting tired of swaying to the repetitive music as well. Personally I prefer more classical music or Elton John and David bowie.
Pandora and I start walking to the chair and as I pass people I get a glimpse of an ever so distinguishable head of black curls, Sirius. I don’t stop and gawk like I stupidly did with James but as I walk I see a girl dancing on him and a few other people trying to get close. Just before I walk far enough so I can't see him, I see someone take it upon themselves to reach out and touch his hair. He ever so slightly flinches and as I get a glimpse of his eyes I see just how uncomfortable he is, contrary to the grin he has plastered on his face. I feel a shiver run down my spine but keep walking and finally get to the couch. Remus is sitting on the other end, seemingly people watching. Pandora slumps down on the other end and I do the same next to her. Heaving out a sigh. We sit in silence letting the sounds of the party echo around us until Pandora stirs next to me straightening up. I follow her gaze to see Lily across from the room talking to James, Frank and Mary. In an attempt to distract her I ask,
“Did anyone catch your eye tonight?”
“No-one new.” she says instantly, I don’t know what to say to brighten her mood but I don’t even have time to think of something to say before she's asking me, “what about you, did anyone catch your eye?”
I scoff although I didn't mean to. “No-one,'' I say plain and simple, it's the truth, so why does it feel like I have just lied. The sound of Remus huffing to himself next to us catches our attention.
“You should go to him,” Pandora says to Remus.
“Hmm?” Remus says, startled.
“Just go up and ask to dance.” I follow where they are both looking, not following until I see Sirius, still dancing with multiple people crowding him.
“He has enough people wanting to dance with them.”
“Yeah but he doesn’t want to dance with them.” Pandora says plainly and I'm glad she noticed as well but not surprised as she is good at sensing how people are feeling.
“I can't just go up to him with everyone there.'' Remus says but he sounds to be considering it.
“You should.” It takes me a second to realise the voice was my own. They are both looking at me shocked but I stand by what I said, secretly hoping Remus saves him from the grabby hands of all the practically strangers crowding Sirius. I did not expect to feel so strongly about anything in regards to Sirius other than the hatred. Nevertheless I feel a little triumphant when Remus stands up and approaches Sirius. Patting him on the shoulder as Sirius turns his eyes are dead as if he has switched off and is on autopilot but as soon as he sees Remus his whole face lights up. It never did that for me. I almost choke at the thought but smush it down just as Barty and Evan approach. They slump down next to us on the couch which we have now claimed.
“We should probably go soon,” Evan says, glancing at his watch. It is already almost 12.
We all agree, then Barty spots a foosball table in the corner and drags Evan to go play with him. Laughing along Pandora goes to spectate. I get up but go to get another drink before I head to watch what is sure to be an over dramatic foosball game. I go for the tequila again gulping down a bit then pouring myself more. I like to believe I hold my liquor well but I have to admit I'm really starting to feel it. Stumbling ever so slightly I bump into someone on my way to foosball. They are taller than me with broad shoulders and I mumble out a halfhearted apology before going to continue.
“Regulus.” oh shit, not him
“J jam ees' ' I slur a tad embarrassed only becoming more when I look up to see a smug sort of grin James is wearing.
“You're rather drunk, let me help you.”
“No. foosball” I say trying to explain that i needs to go, he does not understand because he's bloody James Potter.
“Aah okay, I'll walk you over there.” He gently holds my arm, hooking his arm into mine when I stumble trying to start walking again.
“I got you” He says and it's ever so comforting and I'm ever so out of it. We approach the table when I get a moment of clarity.
“No!” I say pushing him behind a pillar, in turn pulling me with him since our arms are interlocked. His back is pressed up to the pillar, our arms not hooked anymore but the crowded room not letting much space between us. “We can’t go over there.”
“Why not?” James asks because he's dumb. Because I hate you and my friends kinda know that. But no, I don’t say that, instead I say,
“Because I don’t want to.”
“Oh you want to stay with me..” James says his smile grows impossibly wide.
“No.'' I say I need to wipe that look off his face because it's contagious like a virus. “I want to go to bed actually.” I say plain and simple as if that settles it.
“I can help with that.” James says a smile never leaving his face. I arch my brow questioningly.
“Not like that, we’re friends after all so i'll walk you to your dorm, to make sure you get there.”
“We're not friends here,” I hissed.
“Well then let's get out of here.” Despite his flawed logic my alcohol ridden brain seems to understand this so we start walking down. James goes down the ladder first in case he needs to catch me or so he says,
“Nice view” James’ voice calls up at me. Helplessly I feel my face burn.
“I will throw a shoe at you” I say warningly, but James just chuckles.
We walk along in silence, my brain still buzzing from the alcohol. There’s too much to think about as per usual and yet I am not thinking about any of it. God alcohol does wonders. A part of me wants my brain to feel quiet all the time like it does when it’s on substances but I know that’s a dark hole to go down. My uncle Alphard was an alcoholic and a miserable man getting disowned.
Nearing my dorm I have some sort of a realisation,
“Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be with Frank?”
“What,” James asks, stilling outside my dorm, “ why would I be with Frank right now?”
“Oh I don’t know- to take him to bed.”
James lets out a shocked laugh “ Frank and I aren’t like that”
“What do you mean you were sucking each other's faces just an hour or so ago?”
“Oh yeah we’re just friends no need to get jealous”
“Jealous!?” I scoff “ I am not and would never be jealous of you”
“Oh is that so, why were you watching Frank and I make out then?”
“ Why were you making out with your friends” I say exasperated, we are almost arguing at this stage.
“What, would you rather I be making out with you”
“Yes.” I say before I realise what is happening.
James steps ever so slightly closer and I can feel my breath hitch and maybe even those butterflies Pandora was talking about. I give a small nod as he takes another tiny step in and I can practically feel his breath now. If it weren’t for all of my friends' advice still playing in my head I wouldn't be here right now. It’s not about James it’s about Pandora, everyone experiments. Yet I haven't even kissed anyone before, so this time I take a step closer.
Our breath is synced, James is ever so slightly swaying closer as if he is being lured in. His gaze moves from my eyes to my lips but I don't feel watched or analysed because I find myself doing the same. His tongue pokes out to lick his lips and he gulps. Instantly it’s like a switch is flicked and he’s startled backwards.
“No, not like this” he says looking straight into my eyes as I feel my face droop in disappointment, “ good night reg” then he’s turning away. I’m stuck staring after him like the dumb fuck I am. Slowly I turn into my room and pass out in my bed.
The night is restless, tonight in my dream my parents and Sirius are there. Before I can do anything my parents' laughing faces are stuck still and there is a dagger in each of their hearts. I turn to see how they got there and there next to me is James but it’s not him something's off. Not-James is laughing, lifting his arm to throw a dagger at me. I sit upright sweating, fear ridden. I can’t bring myself to go back to sleep so I get out my notebook to write. Using a light clip I can just make out that Evan is asleep in his bed. I write for a while but end up falling back to sleep. I always hate early morning sleep because the dreams are always more vivid and memorable. Tonight is no exception but I can't pinpoint the plot of the dream as it jumps from place to place like a broken kaleidoscope so you can’t see any picture.