Chapter 5
I wake up before Evan in sweats and pulse beating fast, as per usual. We start the day with modern history and I am not in the mood to listen to Professor Binns’ slow drawl. I wake up Evan with my rustling around finding the black sweater I wear, my white school shirt just poking out and my green tie tucked in. Modern history is an elective subject so it is a 10/11 class, year 12s don’t share classes as they have to focus on their exams and year 7s don’t choose electives. Remus, James and Evan are all in my class, I sit two behind Remus and next to Evan. James sits next to his friend Peter diagonally behind me, they are always whispering to each other about one thing or another. We head down for breakfast, picking up a Barty on the way. Whilst seated peacefully eating some toast my brother and his friends walk in cacophonously, drawing people's attention.
“Attention!” A voice I know all too well loudly bursts my bubble of calmness, I look over to see my brother standing on a bench. “ Ms McGonagall has put us in charge of the fundraiser for the year 11 dance.” We used to only have a year twelve dance but a few years back someone convinced them to add a year 11 one as they couldn’t wait another year. “We would like you to come into the quad at first break for refreshments and sweet treats all made with love.” He finishes it with a cheesy smile and exaggerates, “thank you!”. I look over to see James beaming up at him with a wide grin flashing his straight white teeth. I look at the other side and see a bashful Remus looking fondly at my brother with a light blush on his face. I can’t help but feel like my lips twitch as I roll my eyes.
“Are we going to go,” Evan asks Barty Pandora and I.
“Yeah why not,” Barty replies instantly. I could think of why not but instead I simply agree.
“Why not,” I say they both look at each other then at me but we decided to go.
Just as I thought History was slow and tedious, the only thing keeping me from dozing off was James’ little giggles (it's the only accurate way to describe the sound emerging from his mouth) from the back of the classroom. A part of me wants to know what they are talking about to make that sound come out of him but it's most likely because they are the only people talking so it’s the only thing for my brain to focus on. The bell doesn’t come soon enough and biology flies by since Barty and Evan are in it and we are just doing an experiment. I’m thankful for the bell signalling that it is break but then my brain kicks in and reminds me we are going to the bake sale. Hopefully I don’t get poisoned.
The line is long and so we distract ourselves in conversation until we realise we are at the top. I feel my chest tighten and I go to ask if Evan could order for me. I don’t like doing it myself. I look up to see we are at the front of the line and see James looking expectantly down at me. I turn around and see evan and Barty signalling for me to go. I hadn’t even given much thought to what I was going to order, this is my worst nightmare.
“Umm” I say, trying to buy time for me to think, looking at what they have to offer. “Uhh, what would you recommend?” I mentally slap myself in the face.
“Oh” James says he didn’t expect that, that's for sure, “well I made the cupcakes, would you like one, they are 4 dollars.”
“Yeah sure” I say wishing it was all over sooner. He hands it to me and I rush to grab it brushing my hand past his, I look down at my hand for a split second and hastily walk off. I don’t enjoy physical touch by any means but the second James and I touched each other felt like I was being burnt. Not suffocated when other people touch me, for example from a well meaning but highly unwanted pat. We go to sit under the big oak tree and I unwrap my cupcake. I think back to a safely stored memory of my 11th birthday when Sirius came home in the summer holidays and brought me a cupcake, the first one I had ever had. Looking down at the m&m smile I feel myself grin.
People always feel the need to comment and point out how different Sirius and I are, either at school or even back at home when my parents would have ‘parties’. I myself am aware of how untrue that is though. Sirius and I aren’t all that different, sure he presents as dramatic and all that but the people that know me (Sirius) know that I am as well. I believe that I would act more like him if I wasn't relentlessly broken down over the years. I know Sirius was in my position as well, but he got out. Maybe he’s just more resilient than me, if I was to describe myself resilient is not a word I would use. The day drags on and by the end we are all upset it is still only monday. After the weekend I am in serious need of some time alone, alone with the stars, my favourite company (don't tell Pandora).
I change into loose flannel pyjama pants that hang low on my hips and a thick black hoodie. I climb the spiral staircase and enter a space I know all too well. I settle in on the balcony, letting the crisp air hit my bare face and gaze up at the stars, somewhat longingly. Longing to float up high just looking down, completely alone but surrounded by solitary stars like me. After about 7 minutes I heard a creak in the floor board and snap my head around. Only relaxing slightly when I see it is just James. “You're here,” he says, voice low and questioning, “it's been a few days' ' he clarifies. I turn back to the stars not wanting to break the moment I had created. I can feel him walk closer by the heat he emanates. He lays something across my lap, a blanket from the basket inside. “You were shivering,” he explains. I nod thinking he might leave. Nope. He sits beside me laying the blanket over himself as well. Strangely, the calmness of the room isn’t compromised with James’ presence. Contrasting to his normal effect on a room, I suppose he's normally with Sirius and Sirius has a talent for bringing out people's loudness. This however is fine, watching the stars, alone but alone with James, if that makes sense. A few minutes pass and James shuffles, clearing his throat as if in preparation to say something. I look over at him as he glances at me and back to the stars. He just might burst with what he wants to say.
“Go for it” I say quietly,
“For what?” he asks, playing dumb.
“Say what you want to say.” He takes a second then asks
“What's somewhere you want to travel to?” I don't expect the randomness of the question and must look confused because he adds quickly, “sorry it just came to mind and I realised I would like to know.” I look at him as he speaks, hair windswept and glasses slightly askew, for a second I want to reach over and straighten them but I don't, instead I answer the question.
“Austria” I say,
“Austria,” he repeats, letting it sink in, “why?” I find myself not minding the question, it's not interrogatory and James appears interested.
“I watched the sound of music as a kid and have always wanted to see the musical hills,” I have to stop myself from laughing at myself but I fail letting out a strained “ha”.
“That's.. delightful” is all he says and we go back to watching the stars both with a light smile in our eyes. I check my watch to see it's nearing 11 and past curfew for a weeknight. I stand up and James takes note rising to his feet as well. He starts walking to the door before turning around and smiling, not his big cheesy one or the charming side smile, just him, just a smile. “Until next time” he says and leaves. I’m stood there again next time I think, indifferently.
I wake up multiple times throughout the night and once I can feel the warmth of the sun I get up because it's no use trying to sleep when sleep only brings nightmares. I splash water in my face trying to bring myself to reality (whatever that means). The person staring back looks defeated and full of emotions, like they’ve just been through something traumatic. Which I guess I have, I relive the memories of back home every time I sleep. I straighten up and compose myself, relaxing the muscles in my face and glazing over my eyes to appear cold and detached, it works. I check my phone to see it is just now 6 and decide not to wake up Evan just yet so I decide to go to the oval and do laps, something I haven't done in a while. On the grass I take a deep breath letting the fresh morning air fill my lungs. Back home my father would make me do laps until I physically couldn’t. It wasn’t necessarily a punishment for anything, just one of his disciplinary measures for when he felt like parenting. I usually prefer when they are too busy at work to parent because their methods aren’t the best I’ve come to realise. I find my legs taking me around before my brain even catches up. In 1,2,3,4, out 1,2,3,4. I fall into a steady rhythm, feet pounding into the oval, grounding me with each bound. I run for about 20 minutes, not doing as many laps as I would have if I were home. I find it hard to stop my brain before it thinks and it tells me about how I failed and before I hear my fathers words of disappointment ring in my ear. Sweaty I start walking back to my dorm, in the corridor of the dorms I see someone outside their door. It is past mine so I have to walk past, although I am hesitant as I look like a mess. Nearing closer I can just make out the figure stretching, grabbing their foot for a hamstring stretch. As I get closer the person turns around to face me, a smile spreading across their face, James.
“Hi!” he says annoyingly perky for this time of the morning.
“Hi.” I mumble continuing to walk needing to clean myself up. A part of me not wanting James to see me like this, not sure why.
‘Where have you been?” he asks, seemingly eager to know.
“On a run” I say glancing at my shoes
“I was just about to go on one, we should go together sometime.” I stop walking to contemplate his offer. Running with someone would motivate my competitive spirit to do better. It's not a bad idea, except for the fact that it is James.
“That could work” I say, his face lights up as this
‘‘I better get off then if I want time for a run,”
“Yeah” I say and we go our separate ways. Since when is James one of the few people in this school I talk to, or who talks to me my brain whirs with thoughts of how even being associated with James could go wrong. I always seem to have a somewhat irrational fear of my parents being able to see me and that they are watching my every move. I'm not sure it is so irrational though, they have so many connections, especially at an upper class school like this, if they wanted to know every detail they could. Luckily James and I don’t talk in front of people, we talk in the night with nothing but the stars watching us or in the early hours of the morning.
Evan is awake by the time I get back and so I quickly have a shower and get ready then we head off to have breakfast with Barty. My classes feel extra boring as of late and today is no different. It might be a mixture of not being extended to the best of my abilities or the subjects I am taking. Pandora is in a few of my classes and we get to catch up, not realising how much less I have been really hanging out with just her. Fourth, I have a study line so I head to the library to revise for a maths text. I enjoy spending time in the library, the smell of old books and lots of tables so I can sit by myself. I set out my stuff before I realised I forgot my maths text book, luckily there are spares in the library. I walk to the far end where the preloved textbooks are and I rummage through some of them. I see the one I need at the back so I precariously pull the others out to try and reach it without taking everything out fully. The plan fails and about 5 fall to the ground with a considerable amount of noise with it being a library and all. I bend down to pick them up and register that someone else is already doing so. I look down at the large hands holding 4 books and I pick up the last one.
“Thank you” I say making eye contact with.. James, “James”
“Regulus.. You dropped them”
“Why thank you I had no idea” I say each word dripping with cold sarcasm. James merely chuckles, the way he does.
“Right, you knew that. Well today has been good.”
“Why?” I ask before I can stop myself.
“Because I keep running into you” he says with a smile spreading across his sculpted face.
“Oh” I feel my cheeks pinken ever so slightly, but James seems to notice now staring at my face. I clear my throat, “right well I have to study”. I head back to the table having taken the maths text book with me. I glance up from my work and see James diligently studying diagonally across from me. Like he can sense me looking he glances up connecting our eyes momentarily, a small close mouthed grin on his face. I study for about 45 minutes and make my exit when I get a text from Evan asking where I am.
‘Meet you in our dorm’ I text back and head off. James gives me a half wave on the way out which I acknowledge with a small nod. Evan is already in our dorm when I get there with Barty lying with his head on Evan's knee. I mentally coo because if I was allowed to, I think they would murder me.
“Finally” Barty exclaims sitting up, “we are going to have a board game night here after dinner with Pandora and Cas as well.”
“Yeah sure” I say, fine with a chill game night.
We head to the common room get one of the communal monopoly sets and a pack of card knowing we will probably not be able to finish the whole of monopoly. Barty heads back to Evan and my room with us and we just sit lightly conversing but also sitting in comfortable silence until we hear a knock on the door. I open it to see Pandora’s face light up at the sight of Dorcas following right behind. We get comfortable on the floor between Evan and my bed. We set out the board deciding Evan can be the banker and I'll be in charge of real estate. We have to smooth over a few rules about free parking and things then it takes 10 more minutes to decide on who gets what piece. Dorcas and Barty both want to be the top hat but Barty settles for the car, Evan the iron ( strangely eager), Pan the boot and me the thimble, for no special reason. The game goes well- they are loud and sore losers at times when they land on someone's property. Dorcas ends up having to mortgage some of her property since she was in jail for a while from rolling doubles 3 times. I’m doing well enough but the winner isn’t clear. I'm about to reach over to have my turn when there's an unexpected knock on the door. I get up cautiously and open it slightly to see an unsure Lily standing there, she glances behind me catching eyes with Pandora who stands up at the sight of her. “Oh yeah” Pandora says wearily, “did I forget to mention that I invited Lily. It's fine right Reg?” I flinch at the nickname because it is in the presence of Lily and the part of me that is a black doesn’t want to seem weak in front of someone I don't know well. But I am not defined by my family name so I nod slightly just as Barty pipes in,
“Yeah, that's fine, come in and have a seat.” She walks in still with that out of place look on her face but by the time she is seated next to Pandora and Pan has her hand on her thigh she settles in quite well. “Oh right, I should introduce you to everyone.” Pandora says like she's mad at herself for having the audacity to not introduce everyone. She clears her throat and goes round the circle, “ that's Dorcas you know her, that's Barty next to her,” Barty gives a small wave and half nod, “ that's Evan and next to him is Regulus.”
“Regulus black” Lily's voice suddenly enters my ears, it's soft and high but i'm not sure I like what she has to say. My instincts are proven right with the next thing she says. “ Sirius’s brother”. Everyone gets so silent I swear they could hear the cogs turning in my brain. After a long few seconds of silence and Lily looking from one person to another, confused, Pandora saves the mood. “ yeah, anyway how about we play cards instead of monopoly I was getting bored of it anyway.”
“Yeah lets do that” Evan seconds it. Probably just because he didn’t want to lose to me. We play cheat and tongues and finish it up with poker. Lily proves to be quite good and I can’t lie and say I wasn't glad to have some competition. The night stretches on and Dorcas abruptly sits up straight, noticeably startling. “ I forgot I bought a few joints for us to share.” Barty eagerly grabs one from her when she takes them out of her bag then goes to open the window. Dorcas then hands one to Pandora and one to me. Once everyone has a steady buzz (Barty and Evan and Pandora and Lily were sharing) someone decides it’s a good idea to play truth or dare. Dorcas starts with asking Evan to which he answers truth. “Who is your least favourite person in the room,” Evan feigns thinking for a little bit out of courtesy and then replies “probably Lily, just because I don't know you as well,” Lily nods obviously not taking offence. Then it's Evans' turn and he asks Lily to include her. She decides on the truth as well, “ when did you and Pandora start.. Hanging out” Lily glances at Pan and back to Evan.
“Around the end of last year and we started fucking this term.” Barty chokes on the sip of water he had just taken none of us expecting her to be so direct with it. It's only a few weeks into the school year so it's not too long and I'm not too out of the loop. I did know before Barty and Even after all, even if it was because I accidentally saw her in Pan’s bed. Lily takes a moment to decide on her question then turns to me, I answer truth because I am considerably high right now and don’t want to do something stupid because I know I would. “ why did you all go quiet when I said that earlier” she doesn’t specify but we all know it was a serious comment. I take a deep breath only now realising how clear my brain is feeling, it's different, good different.
“It’s complicated” I reply,
“That's not an answer” Lily says back when Pandora gives her a ‘leave it’ look and she quiets down.
“Yeah I'll take another puff then I guess” I say. Takes me a second to refocus my brain and realise that it's my turn to ask. I feel my lips twitch up in a mischievous smirk.
“Truth or dare Barty?” I say extra emphasis on the dare because I know he will choose it and he does just that. “Kiss the person to your left.” I say. He turns slowly to his left to see a fidgety Evan Rosier sitting there avoiding eye contact.
“May I” he says and Evan turns to stare at him in the eyes then gives a reluctant nod, he doesn’t really like PDA of any kind. Barty leans in slowly, breathing in and lightly kissing Evan on the cheek. He lingers close to Evan’s face for a bit and when he pulls away there's a faint blush spreading on both of their cheeks. They must have done less than I thought. “ That counts” I declare and we play a few more rounds just silly things like Barty asking Pandora what teacher she would shag and things like that. I glance at my phone to realise it is nearing 1am and get up slowly to go to the bathroom feeling a wave of exhaustion flood over me. When I return to the group Pandora, Lily and Dorcas are all standing up ready to go. “Bye guys” they chorus and I give them a wave. I head to bed soon after as I always feel drained from any social interaction. Lying in my bed I look up at my roof. If I squint I can make myself imagine the stars that would be out right now. Barty is sitting in Evan’s bed with him as they whisper to one another, but they feel far away as I imagine my stars, I drift off to sleep. But the nightmares come as per usual, they feel laced with an extra emphasis on Sirius tonight and as I walk the endless corridor I make out that Sirius exits a door in the distance but as I keep walking I never seem to reach where he was. Cementing in my mind that I'll never be on Sirius's level. I used to want to be just like him and it's hard to unlearn that, Sirius leaving is still fresh and now he can’t even look at me as if I remind him about the family he came from that he hates so much.