Chapter 4
I wake up at 8 on Sunday as my body is not used to sleeping in. I've gotten better than the first two years at school. I would wake up at 6.30 everyday, Evan did not like that. I am able to get back to sleep which I am incredibly thankful for. I only wake up again when I hear Evan stirring and so I know it's a reasonable time. I've always been a light sleeper, constantly woken up by whispered conversations at home, the big rooms carry more sound than my parents would like. I check my phone to see its 12pm, whilst doing so i see a notification pop up on my screen. Friend Request . It took a lot of convincing from Barty and Evan for me to get instagram, my parents had it drilled in my head that it's evil and toxic. Barty said it would be a good way to keep in contact when we go home for summer holidays. I check to see who it's from and see it from Pandora. Another notification pops up indicating she's dm’d me.
What! Since when did you have insta? She texts.
It was a recent development. I type back. She reads my message and we leave it at that.
We've officially missed breakfast and since it is Sunday there is no lunch on so Evan and I go get Barty to find a snack with us. Barty always wakes up hungry. We knock on the door and there's no answer, strange, we knock again ‘rat-a-tat-tat- tat-tat’ like we always do and no answer. There's some shuffling and then a thud inside, sounds like someone fell out of bed or something. An incredibly sleep ridden and scruffy looking Remus opens the door.
“Hi,'' Evan says, “is Barty in?” It looks like it takes him a second to register what we are asking before he slowly shakes his head. “Oh” evan continues, “do you know where he might be?” I think this is the longest conversation we’ve had with Remus despite him being Barty’s roommate for ages and having maths with him. The school does combined year groups: 8/9, 10/11 year 12 is more important so it's separate.
“He said something about seeing someone, or looking for someone. I assumed it was you guys..” Remus’ voice is extra low due to him just having woken up.
“That's ok, thanks anyways” Evan says, polite as ever.
Evan looks a bit disheartened though so I tell him we can just go get something from the kitchen and look for him after. We head to the kitchen and open the fridge looking for sandwich ingredients. There's a sound coming from the pantry so I tell Evan I'll check on it, to make sure it's not a rodent or something. I walk towards the pantry and hear the sound again, I swing the doors open and I hear a shriek of pain “Ow”. The voice exclaims.
“Oh sor-” I begin looking down to see James sitting on the ground holding his nose. Guilt floods over me, he looks to be in quite a bit of pain. He stands up slowly and looks me in the eye, there's something mischievous or humourous in the glint of his eyes.
“ We have to stop meeting from you bumping into me Reg,” his voice is like a slow dripping honey. The nickname catches me off guard and I just stand there not saying anything for a second too long.
“ Don’t call me that,” is all I can muster, no, ‘yeah sorry about that, how's your nose’. He starts to say something but my brain is obviously not computing well today so I blurt out
“How's your nose?” and.. He laughs, more of a chuckle really but either way it seems like an odd thing for him to do.
“It's fine, probably just broken, hopefully i'll get a nose job out of it,” I realise he was trying to make a joke but it lands weirdly, why would he, James, want a nose job. He may as well have been carved from stone, he looks like a Greek statue.
“Do you want me to take you to see the nurse?” I say before I can think it through. Just before he can answer Evan walks in presumably to see what's taking so long. He stands in the doorway and just looks back and forth from me to James.
“It was an accident” I say trying to explain what exactly he is looking at. “I was just about to take him to see the nurse,” I can feel James looking at me with a confused look on his face.
“Why would you- we were going to eat.” Evan says rather confused himself.
“We will” I say and start to walk out looking back at James to signal him to come. I really wouldn’t be doing this if I didn't feel as guilty as I do.
That's how James and I end up walking side by side, in silence, to go see the nurse. The silence doesn’t last long though, it is James after all.
“How did you like last night?” He asks, it's not a strange question but I don’t quite know how to answer it. I didn’t particularly enjoy it but I've felt like I wanted to die more at other parties so in the grand scheme of things it wasn’t that bad.
“It was alright” I say, not fully recognising my voice as it comes out of my mouth.
“Yeah I enjoyed it, good fun.” I don’t attempt to keep the conversation alive so it dies with his last words. Good fun, I don't quite understand what he means, was it fun I suppose for some people but James didn’t look like he was doing much and then he had to leave earlyish to carry out my drunk brother. Not that I was watching him in particular, I just noticed people, at least that's what I told myself. We arrive at the nurses office with me still pondering my thoughts, when am I not though. James sits on the bed and I sit in a chair, trying to explain to the nurse what happened although I really don’t enjoy talking to medical professionals. She looks at the nose and touches it quite a bit which makes James wince. She declares it's fine, just heavily bruised and I let out a sigh of breath I didn't realise I was holding in. She tapes up his nose and sends us on our way, her bedside manner lacking a bit but i'm not one to judge. Being in the nurse's office brings on a flashback of a gloved hand with tweezers and someone saying open wide.
“Hey, you alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” I hardly even register it as james’ voice and I have to snap myself back to reality.
“ Mhm” I mumble and we start walking. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going. For some reason I'm following James. Before I know it we are back in the kitchen.
“What, what are we doing here” I say quieter than I intended,
“You were going to eat so I thought i’d make you something to say thank you”
“Thank you? For smashing your nose?” I ask sincerely but James chuckles the way he does.
“No for taking me to get it fixed” he says as if it were as plain as day. Still rather confused, I sit down at the bench whilst James busies himself making me a sandwich. What on earth am I doing? Sitting here letting James Potter make me a sandwich, this isn’t right. I don’t associate with James. I can't associate with James. I get up to leave and a rather delicious smell wafts through my nose making me realise how hungry I am. I sit back down purely because I'm hungry and I'm thinking with my stomach, not my head. He places a sandwich in front of me and sits next to me on his own. I inspect it,
“What is it?” I ask
“PB&J” he says and turns to see my lost expression, “ peanut butter and jam” he tries again
“didn’t you have them when you were a kid.” He cuts himself short probably having forgotten I’m Regulus Black. Which is odd, people never seem to be able to forget my last name.
”sorry” he says “try it”. He looks rather excited, like a child awaiting approval. I give it a sniff and take a bite, then another and another. “Haha, I take it you like it” James says, but it's not cocky, just delighted. I nod eagerly and quite uncharacteristically I want another one but I don't dare to ask. Even if I would have, I am thankfully saved by my phone ringing, its Barty.
“Where are you?” he asks
“What do you mean, where are you?” I counter
“I’m with Evan now, we are going to go to the movie marathon in the common room.
“Ugh” I sigh, why do we always have to go out and be social.
“You are coming right, meet us there soon”
“Yeah yeah I'll be there”. I hang up and stand up to leave wanting to change and shower before I go.
“You're leaving?” James asked, surprised.
“Yeah” I say and head for the door, he stares after me, somewhat longingly? “ thanks' ' I say before leaving, kind of thankful to be out but thinking about it it wasn’t the worst. That sandwich definitely wasn’t bad.
Back in the dorm I hop into the cold shower, I never did like burning hot ones, the cool water reminds me of home. I lather the soap and start to scrub, I scrub and scrub not able to stop. Not able to feel clean. I give up after 5 minutes or so and am rather tired from the exhaustion. I put on a matching sweat set and head to the common room.
I look for Barty and Evan in the common room but they aren’t there yet. The room is filled with people so I step in to thoroughly look for them. They’ve reorganised for the movie night, the couch is pushed back and there are bean bags and pillows on the floor in front of the TV. I’m looking around and I see Pandora and Dorcas. I didn’t think they would come but I'm not mad to see them. I go up to them mainly to ask if they know where Evan and Barty are but stay with them chatting. It’s just so comfortable with them, it has always been with Pandora ever since 1st year. First year wasn’t great, it was bad enough for me to think school was worse than home which is saying something. Pandora had a few classes with me and was the only person in the school (other than Evan who I was dorming with but didn’t know well) to say hi to me or acknowledge my presence not negatively. I didn’t realise when I got to school that my family's reputation would precede me. I remember walking down the corridor my first week and people whispering my name and walking as far away from me as possible. Like I had a contagious disease. I still don’t really know what people know about my family because I don't even know much. My parents have never disclosed what the family business actually entails, or not in so many words. But Pandora would always say hi to me in class and smile at me as we walked past the halls. I assume at first it was because of our families status and/or connections but deeper than that there was always an unspoken understanding. We never mention our families but we could if we wanted to.
People start shushing and I only then realise the movie has started, it's some lighthearted kids movie I'm unfamiliar with, Finding Nemo I think it's called. About a quarter of the way through Evan and Barty stumble in looking suspiciously dishevelled. As they come in I can just barely make out the signature ER on the cuff of the shirt Barty is wearing, with a knowing smirk I scooch over to let them sit next to me. The credits start rolling and only when Pandora turns to me with a concerned look on her face I realise tears are streaming down my face. I bring a hesitant hand to my cheek feeling the wetness. I stand up abruptly, in a slight amount of shock and start walking to the communal bathroom on the other side of the common room. I lean over the sink looking at my face, I evidently had tears streaming down my face prior. The toilet flushes from the locked door behind me and I straighten up regaining my detached composure. None other than James Potter walks out heading to the sink next to me to wash his hands. He’s rather ubiquitous, I've seen more of him than I would like. He stops before he turns on the tap, turns to me and says curiously,
“Are you alright,” his tone is extremely genuine and I'm taken aback. I have to breathe for a few seconds before I answer.
“Fine.” I say in the monotonous voice I do.
“You look” he waits thinking about his wording, “you don’t appear to be fine, was it the movie? I always get emotional watching it.” He says what seems like a lot. It takes me another few seconds to decide what to say, he must think my brain is lagging.
“I don't know why but the movie made me feel..” I stop not sure how to put into words how exactly it made me feel. He just nods as if to gesture that he gets it, which it feels like he does. James doesn’t appear to have problems showing his emotions. A stray tear falls down my cheek and James looks somewhat stricken. He reaches out to pat my arm and I flinch away fast. He looks down distressed and drops his arm.
“I'm sorry..” he says, sounding truthful. I know he's probably just referring to trying to pat my arm but it feels deeper. I assume Sirius has told him of the punishments, he would have seen how Sirius looked the night he went to James’ house. I turn to walk away unsure why I keep feeling the need to be courteous to James since I never do with other people I don't know. His stillness behind me feels cold but his hazel eyes which I can tell even turned away that they are staring at me burn into my back.
It's not that late but we have classes tomorrow and so we walk back to our dorms, Barty, Evan, Dorcas, Pandora and I.
“So how did you like the movie?” Pandora asks not to anyone specific.
“It was ok,” Barty says
“I’ve seen it too many times I think” Dorcas replies
“I think it was magnificent” I say quietly almost to myself, Pandora turns and smiles kindly to me. We arrive at the girls’ dorm and we say a brief goodbye then head off to walk Barty to his dorm.
“Where were you guys?” I ask slyly.
“Oh you know,” Evan tries not to come up with anything. “We got caught up,” he says.
“With what?” I pry
“Studying” Barty blurts. How joyous it is to have friends that can’t lie well.
“Mhm, sure.. Well I'm happy for you guys. For being so studious and all.” They turn and glance at each other with a slight blush to both of their cheeks.
“ Well, what's been going on with you?” Barty asks, “you keep lingering places, presumably not alone.” I do suppose I have been out more often and not always with one of them with James today now that I think about it. A shudder runs down my spine connecting what Barty was insinuating with James. It's not only that it's James which is disgusting enough by itself but I was always taught one thing and ever since coming here my perspectives have changed and that's great. However, deep down my parents' words and opinions are ingrained into my memory. Their words feel as if they are carved into my brain forever bleeding from the scraping to cement it in there. The main change is that the opinions I (my parents) have apply to only me now, not my friends, not strangers, not even sirius- not that I like to think about it. My heart hurts with a longing of the freedom that Sirius has found superficially like he was able to forget back home and the parents completely. Being 16 people have begun to experiment and get into relationships all around me. I just don’t think I can. I haven’t felt anything ever, there's evidently something wrong with me. Even if I did feel, I wouldn't know how. How to share my life, my heart, my soul, no that wouldn’t work out well.
At Bartys dorm, Evan hugs him goodbye and we give each other a friendly nod. Evan seems extra sad to see Barty go tonight so we linger to make sure he gets inside. From the doorway I can just make out Remus’ figure huddled over the desk scribbling away it seems. We walk back to our dorm and Evan has a shower then gets into his pjs. I got into mine after he vacated the bathroom, yet again faced with my reflection. Today has taken a toll on me. I not only feel tired but I look it, purple under eyes forming and my eyes look more sunken than usual. Despite all this I always secretly wish people saw me in the soft night light and not in the harsh sun that spotlights and displays not who I really am. I dislike the sun.