Chapter 3
The first time I decided I enjoyed his company was two years ago in year 8. We were in the common room and frankly I had had enough people for the day. I'm not exactly sure if I looked particularly out of place or despondent but he came over and motioned that we should leave. He was in an animated conversation with Barry and most likely did not want to. But he could just sense that I'd had enough. He’s always good at sensing people's emotions.
Once in town we enter the small plaza and head straight to the games store. Barty is always interested in solving puzzles or playing board games. We settle on a particularly beautiful puzzle and head off to find a bag. On the way we pass the food court and sitting there is James and his friends. They seem to be eating sushi, curious, I think to myself. Sirius would have never had sushi when he lived at home, I never have but I suppose he has had lots of new experiences I haven't. Seeing something as simple as him eating sushi so nonchalantly sends me spiralling about all that he has experienced without me, securing the thoughts and borderline hatred in my mind about how he left me behind. Obviously the problem with him leaving wasn’t that he'll have more experiences than me, far from even one of the major problems. But either way it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. James appears to be watching me as I pass but I can't be too sure.
Once we have organised the present, wrapping, card and all we meet up with Barty at, I guessed it, the new smoothie place. I must appear reluctant so Barty chooses for me, forcing me to at least taste it. We sit down and I settle into their conversation. My mind wanders and I begin to do what I do much too often. I find myself watching the conversation with myself in it like an onlooker, as if my body is still there but I'm floating above criticising my every movement and comment. I really do try to stay in the present and not drift into unhelpful thoughts but alas it seems to happen anyway even with people I consider friends. The stuff come and I eye mine sceptically, leaning in to take a sip, mango and passionfruit I think is what Barty ordered for me although it had some obscure name. I sip in and flavour fills my mouth. Not sure what I expected but for my first time trying something with passion fruit I was pleasantly surprised. Not too sweet, in fact it has a tart or sour taste to it, in combination with the milk and mango it is rather pleasant. We finish our drinks and Barty insists we have to go to buy some new clothes. I don’t see the need as all of my clothes are fine. I own a few staples and don’t really vary beyond that much. We enter a store I'm not too familiar with and Evan and Barty start handing me clothes. Rather confused I am shoved into the changing room to show them how they look on. I come out in one of the tops they got for me, blue shorter fit with a mountain design on it. Much more vibrant than any clothes I normally wear.
“Why do I need new clothes? What's wrong with my own?” I intend it to be lighthearted but it comes out a tad hurt which maybe I am.
“Well…” Evan starts eyeing Barty.
“We sort of have plans'' Barty continues, “ for my birthday and things we are planning on having a little get together.” Oh, I think caught off guard, this is the first I am hearing of this.
“How many people?” I ask,
“Oh you know.. 30” Barty mumbles.
“30!?” I exclaim not knowing we knew so many people.
“40..?” Evan appears to be asking Barty more than saying.
“ I kind of told people to bring whoever so we aren't really sure.”
“ Why wouldn’t you tell me? When is this?”
“Tonight” Evan says carefully, sensing I am annoyed.
“We knew you would put up a fight so we put off telling you, we really want you to come” Barty pleads, “for me”. He bats his eyelashes and pouts ever so slightly. I know I'll have an awful time but I can't really say no so I don't. I agree to go to this stupid party and that's how I get sucked into buying something I never normally would. Apparently the clothes I own aren’t exactly party attire.
In my room Evan is busying himself with getting ready spending an extra long amount of time on his hair. I slip on the sheer shirt- more blouse really- that they forced me to buy rather sheer with layers. I look in the mirror and see a delicate pale young boy staring back at me. I never would have chosen it for myself and I just know I won’t have a good time if I'm not feeling comfortable or if I'm feeling less comfortable. But I don't expect to have a good time either way so I wear it anyway. I pair it with my staple black jeans and black docs and go to check on Evan to see if he's ready.
6pm rolls around and we are in the common room blowing up balloons. We have pushed the couch and table aside. We are all known to be relatively good students so the head teacher for our year didn’t take much convincing to let us through this party. He seemed eager for us to socialise with people other than us three. We bought some chips as snacks and put Evan in charge of music. For someone relatively shy he has the best music taste.
People start showing up at 8.30 ish first Pandora and Dorcas her room mate. I'm rather relieved to see her, despite the fact that no one has actually shown up yet the nerves are already getting to me.
“Hey,” Pandora says rather perkily.
“Hi” I counter, getting across how anxious I am.
“Lets go get a drink shall we” She eyes me like I have to say yes so we go get a drink and I wait until she pours herself and mine waiting for her to say what she needs.
“So” she says shyly, “about this morning with Lily and all,” she whispers her name as if it is dangerous to say, “I think it might be more, I mean I think I might like her but that's not what we agreed.” I soften ever so slightly. I’ve always had a soft spot for Pandora, kind, considerate dora. She’s just the best at conversations so open and welcoming.
“ Well that's good,” I say, a bit unsure.
“No, no it's not” she looks sadly at her hands.
“Why don’t we don’t think about that tonight?'' I say one of my go-tos, just try not to think about it. Admittedly it normally doesn't work for me but she seems to lighten up at this like she hadn’t thought of it.
“ Yes of course, no need to worry about it now I suppose,” she says, sounding like she's trying hard to convince herself.
Lots of people show up because they all brought along their own friends. Before long I find myself in a corner. They seem to call to me, the tight space where I can hide and go unnoticed. Im looking at my drink breathing shallowly when i hear an all too familiar laugh, more of a chuckle actually. I look up to see Sirius, James and Remus in the doorway. I know Remus since he's Barty’s roommate, they aren’t that close but I guess it makes sense he's here and wherever he goes they go so I could have figured out that they would come but I didn't. Behind them is Lily which I register as unfortunate for Pandora and that I should probably warn her. She is in the thick of the people dancing and I can think of nothing worse than squishing past them all but nevertheless Pandora should be told. I squeeze past bumping into people and apologising each time which is more than I can say for them. Almost at Pandora I bump into someone their drinking, slightly splashing me. Sorry I mutter but the person doesn't move, they stopped completely in their tracks. I look up to see none other than James.
“Regulus” he says somewhat laced with shock. “Decided to join the dance and leave your corner.” He saw me in my corner, was he watching me?
“No” I reply short and simple. I walk past him and finally get to Pandora. I can feel James’ gaze on me but I don't turn around, I never turn around.
“Pan” I say tapping her shoulder, her face lights up when she sees me not minding that she has to stop dancing. “Lilys here” I say straight to the point. Her smile falters ever so slightly but she picks it up again.
“I'm not thinking about her” She says matter of factly, but her eyes do a quick scan of the room presumably in search of her.
“Sure” I say not convinced and hurriedly head out of the pack of people to the drinks. I want nothing more than to get some fresh air but an alcoholic beverage will have to suffice. I don’t normally drink so I feel the effects quite quickly, feeling warm and buzzy. I turn around to see James coming over for a drink.
“Regulus” he says, always needing to state my name as if he has to remind me of it.
“You look..” he starts and cuts himself off. His eyes drift to my blouse and slowly back to my eyes. Something about the way he looks makes me feel comfortable. Normally it's the complete opposite even a quick mistake of eye contact with a stranger makes me uncomfortable. I give him a questioning look and he starts again, quieter this time.
“Does Sirius know you're here,” I groaned internally, why does he have to mention him.
“I don’t think Sirius would care.'' I say, it is my friend's birthday after all but I'm sure they have forgotten that. I swear Sirius and his friends assume the world revolves around them. James looks at me confused.
“Nevermind” is all he says turning away, “ have a good night” he turns back to say before going off. I stand by the drinks table for a couple more minutes not able to tear my eyes away from James. He's now leaning against a wall as a girl animatedly tells him something. Needing to lightly touch him to get her point across. James doesn’t look especially interested but he doesn’t make a move to leave. The girl steps closer continuing to touch him and just for a second he glances over at me, our eyes catching on one another's. Shit I think, he can tell that i've been looking. I check my phone to look as if i'm doing something and only then realise how late it is. I look around to see there aren’t as many people as before, I take a sip of my drink and start toward Evan and Barty who are sitting on the couch. I hear something being knocked over and look up just in time to see James with a giggly Sirius under his arm leading him out of the room. Of course Sirius got hammered, he always has to be the life of the party. I feel strangely upset that James is leaving but I suppose it's nothing. I tell myself it's nothing. Barty and Evan talk quietly and I sit and watch the people taking in what they are doing and how they are behaving. Even after 3 years at this school I still find things different and confronting. At home I was taught a very specific way of life and here it's... Different. The party dies down and I scan the room for Pandora with no luck. My eyes are heavy with sleep so I get up and start clearing the cups and things so we don’t have to stay up doing it. Barty and Evan join me and once the place looks relatively clean we head back to our dorms. Evan seems slightly off but I decided not to question it for tonight. Anyway I have a hunch it might have to do with Barty talking to people at the party. I wouldn’t have picked him for the jealous kind but you never know. Sleep comes, although I am always hesitant to enter it with the nightmares sleep brings.