Chapter 1
Regulus was always known to be cold. He was cold and emotionless - just like every proper Black. Of course, there were few exceptions, but Regulus, or better said Dahlia, was a perfect "daughter". People always think it's in their blood - being cold. Mostly, no one payed attantion. No one ever pays attention. Regulus himself doesn't pay attention. He knows he might be a little too stern. But he never really cared. Ironic. But the truth was - he was scared. After years of little Dahlia crying and her mother yelling that's not how a proper lady behaves. No lady should be so dramatic. Suck it up. And after years and years of pushing your emotions deep inside you, hiding them even from yourself, you don't know any better.
Now, Regulus gets it. He needs to let his emotions out. He knows it. But how? Regulus is scared of letting his emotions out for the world to see. He is scared of judgement and he is scared of failing. He is scared for people to see him so fragile. He is scared of feelings. He is scared of fear. He is scared of being scared. Knowing the possibilities scare him, and knowing something will scare him frightens him even more. Everything is scary. Its scary that he has to deal with it alone. And yes, he can look for help, but that. That is even scarier. Because he has to ask for help alone. He has to let someone know how he feels, and he can't. He can't talk. It feels like there is a big heavy rock holding his tongue every time he has to utter his emotions. Then the feeling of not being able to talk gets him to crying. Crying will get him to shame and shame will get him to bucking it all up again. How could he ask for help then?
Regulus was staring randomly outside of the window, not paying attention to class. He already knows it all. All of that reading because he hopes it will let him escape the reality. But it doesnt. No. But, at least he knows more. Which is not the type of knowledge he wants.
His leg was trembling absent mindently, trying to calm his heart rate down. Hands clunched on his jeans. With a swift motion, he cast aside the chair and stormed from the room. His thoughts whirled with determination, his heart beating with anticipation of what was to come. And with a determined step, he left the classroom, eyes tearing up.
He was 12 again, storming off to his bathroom and looking at mirror with pure hatred and disgust. He was 13 again, getting out of his bathroom with short hair. That night his mother made sure Sirius learns his lection about not cutting his sister's hair. He was 14 again, seeing his own brother looking at him like he was a complete stranger. He was 15 again, waking up just to find - or better said not find - the said brother in his own bed. He was 15 again, feeling his mothers echoing screams through his ears as she yelled at him. Yelled at him and punished him because his brother left. Left and never came back. He was 16 again, realising how bad his parents actually were; that the things they did were not something a kid should experience. He was 17 again, trying to-
It doesn't matter, because the bathroom door was now opened and there was his best friend kneeling in front of him, holding his hand. Regulus' chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath, and his grip on Pandora's hand tightened. She spoke to him, her words like balm on a wounded heart. Her voice was soft, yet firm, and her touch was warm and reassuring as she led him through a series of deep breaths.
,,Breathe, Regulus, breathe. Can you do that for me? Just- here I am, ok? I'm not leaving. I promise I'm here. Look at me, Reg, breathe"
As Regulus began to calm, his thoughts cleared, and he found himself bathed in the soothing warmth of Pandora's presence. She stayed with him, holding his hand and talking to him in a gentle voice until he was once again at peace. It was as if she had a special gift for knowing just what he needed, and he couldn't help but feel grateful for her presence in his life.
Pandora was one of his dearest friends, indeed. She never insisted to talk. She never pushed him. There was always what he needed. Sometiems just silence. Just her presence being enough to calm him. It was like she knew exactly what was on his mind just by looking at him. Their way of comunicating was different. Just a quick glance or motion and they would understand everything.
,,He texted me again. Said he wants to meet up. I don't know what im suppost to say. I- He wants to-"
And there she was, hugging him. And Regulus hugged back. He did. Not everyone could get Regulus to hug them. But Pandora sure had the privilege to do it.
,,It's okay. Take some time to think. If you don't want to meet up, that is completly fine. Just say no and that's it. If you want to, way yes and you will meet up. It's okay to change your mind. I can be with you. Or Barty. Or even Evan or Dorcas. We will be there for you. We always are."
Regulus sighed and calmed down. Looking up and meeting her gaze. ,,Thank you." His voice cracked and she just smiled. That smile that was so soothing and warm. No one had that kind smile, he was sure.
And so Regulus did. He thought about it. He thought about it. He really did. But, he just couldn't. People would've expected him to say yes. To meet up with Sirius. But, it was 5 years. 5 years and not a single word. 5 years ago. 5 years ago Sirius left him. Left him in the same house as those monsters. Sirius, his older brother who promises to always protect him. Sirius, his best friend who was there for him his whole life - at least first 15 years. Sirius, who'se screams he heard in their mother's voice. Sirius, the one who understood how it is like to live with Walburga and Orion Black. Or at least he knew part of it. There were... Special meetings with Orion. Ones no one knew about-
,,REGULUS GOD DAMN IT!" pillow hit Regulus' head. He looked up and met Barty's gaze. ,,WHERE ARE YOU! WE'VE BEEN CALLING YOU OUT FOR MINUTES NOW!" Said Barty hystericaly. Regulus sighed ,,Barty, shut your dramatic mouth up"
Barty was his best friend. Barty and Evan. The ones he shared his dorm with. The ones who knew everything. At least almost everything (Barty is little nosy shit). Evan and Regulus are childhood bestfriends. Their mothers were really close, but secretly hated each other. It was something political probably. They will never know - Evan's and Pandora's mom died long time ago. But they kept their friendship going.
Barty, on the other hand, was their parents' enemy. Maybe because his dad was a politician. They also didn't know back then. Barty and Regulus have a very complicated love-hate relationship. They hated each other, shaged a few times and then platonicaly loved. Now, Barty and Evan are in relationship. It took them few very long oblivious years but they finally did it. Much for Regulus' liking, they fucked every other night
,,What are you thinking about, hm?" Barty asked as he jumped on top of his bed. Evan sighed and continued reading. ,,Sirius asked to meet up." Now that. That. That got them both looking. After a really short silence - what seemed forever - Evan decided to speak up ,,Did you respond?"
,,No, not yet"
,,What are you going to say? Don't tell me you're meeting up with that piece of shit-" now that was Barty.
,,I don't know..." Regulus sighed and looked away. ,,I will after some time i guess. I'm just... Well, I don't think I'm read yet"
,,Mmm, you better" Evan said and got back to reading his book.
The night was long and exhausting.The endless silence, pierced only by the sounds of a restless shifting in bed. The occasional passing of a car's headlights, casting long shadows upon the bedroom wall, the only source of illumination in the dark room. The faint whirring of the house's air conditioning, buzzing faintly in the background; an almost comforting hum in the endless silence. The occasional shift, and turn, in an attempt to fall asleep, all for nothing, it seems, as nothing seems to let his eyes fall shut, despite how tired he felt.