I don't wanna talk about anything

It is January and winter break has finally ended, Sirius is very glad that it is. This break was the worst one he has ever experienced, his parents helping a lot with that fact. Mostly Sirius’ mother was truthfully awful. Walburga found a new thing to torture him with and he doesn’t like it at all. His mother used legilimency to look inside his brain, wanting to find something bad. Wanting to find something to punish Sirius for, to let out her always lingering anger. 

Unfortunately she did find something. Sirius had a dream early December about him and Remus. They were walking on the beach holding hands. Remus slid his thumb softly over Sirius’ hand. Sirius’ head was lazily relying on Remus’ shoulder. Laughter sounded like a soft whisper of the summer wind and giggles felt like how love is described. When Sirius woke up from the dream his heart was racing and his face was red with something that some would call blush, not that he would ever admit that. The moment Sirius realized what was happening he felt like the most disgusting and most horrible person to ever exist. Thinking and feeling things like that was wrong, that’s what his mother always said. Walburga has been saying stuff like that for ages, ranting and ranting about how it’s the biggest sin for a person. 

Well, she didn’t let Sirius forget what she thought about it, definitely not after what she saw while clawing in his brain. Walburga used her usual curses on Sirius again that night. One that works like a knife, sliding into your body like a piece of food needing to be slid in pieces. One that makes you unable to talk, the tongue-tying curse. Then there is another one. Sirius hasn’t found the name for the curse because Walburga casts all her curses and spells wordless, but it’s the worst one for sure.

 When she casts it on Sirius, it feels all consuming. It’s like the pain is everywhere, finding every single corner of his body and attacking it with white-hot knives and sliding through everything that is able to be slid, burning everything that can catch fire. Sirius is 100% sure each time that his head can explode any moment when she casts it. He gets disoriented and forgets where he is, sometimes even who he is. He screams louder than he thought was possible, he screams until there isn’t a voice that he can use anymore, and until it feels like his throat is bleeding. In most cases he passes out after a while, laying in something wet (his own blood, but he can’t catch that fact until at least a day later,) and giving up. Right before his eyes close and he is out, there are a few beautiful seconds of silence and peace. 

His ears give out and everything is silent, he doesn’t hear his own screams, the ringing in his ears, his mother's awful insults to him. Sirius’ voice gives out, giving him a minute to swallow all the blood he has in his mouth. His palpability gives out, he doesn’t feel the burning fire in his bones, he doesn’t feel the billion cuts on his skin, he doesn’t feel his heart beating hard and painfull against his chest. His sight gives out, he can’t see his mother’s angry and raging face, he can’t see the ceiling that he looked at so many times laying in the exact same position with the exact same situation. And right before his brain gives out too, he has a horrible and selfish thought. Sometimes he wishes that he doesn’t have to wake up anymore. All the pain he has, and all the bad memories are always in the back of his mind. He doesn’t really wish to be dead, he just wishes to get a break from being a Black. 

Walburga used that last curse more than she has ever done, and Sirius feels like he lost himself. One night when it was late he thought that the ‘him’ that he used to be might bled right out of him, right along with all the blood he had lost. He was hoping the feeling would go away, just like his tiredness and uncomfortable feeling that kept sticking to his skeleton like glue. It was like he was watching his life in 3rd person, he was seeing it but not feeling or living it. All his emotions were immune to any and all situations. It hurted to smile, and he couldn’t even force happiness. But he also couldn’t cry or feel sad, he wasn’t angry at his mother because he couldn’t find the strength to be mad. He felt numb all over and it wasn’t just his emotions, his personality was also frozen and dead. James yelled his name over and over through the mirror they share to know if Sirius is alright, but Sirius couldn’t even find the joy in talking to his best friend. Regulus left his favorite sweater on Sirius’ bed (technically it was Sirius’ sweater but he gave it to Reggie when he was 4 years old and cold, and since then Regulus has always had it even when they were in a bad place). And even then Sirius couldn’t find it in him to give him a smile or a hug like he normally would do in a blink. 

Everything changed and Sirius doesn’t know how to fix it. He wants to be alone to process everything, but he also wants someone next to him to distract him from what happened. He wants Regulus, Regulus has experienced this too so he gets it. It’s nice to know someone gets it. He also wants James, James knows Sirius better then Sirius knows himself. He knows what Sirius feels without having to talk about it. He knows how to be there for Sirius, he knows what Sirius needs. But the strange thing is that even though Sirius distantly knows what he wants and who he needs, he can’t bear the thought of having to interact with people. 

Sadly enough he doesn’t have a say in that because school starts again, just like life. It goes on even though he feels like he is gonna be forever stuck in the memory that haunts his mind.

He boarded the train to Hogwarts very early and sat down in the department where James, Peter and Remus would also arrive in half an hour. It’s raining and the drupples tap nicely against the window. As Sirius is staring out the window and his mind going crazy again, James runs inside, which surprises Sirius because he already came so early that no one was even on the train yet. 

“Sirius! Are you okay?!” James goes flying to Sirius and wants to pull him in a hug. James’ hands are about to hold him but Sirius just can not handle any physical touch at the moment, he feels dirty and the thought of people touching him makes him sick.. 

Sirius slides a bit backwards and James looks worried at him. After a while he asks gently, “Pads, what did they do to you?”

Sirius doesn’t look him in the eyes but still answers, “It’s nothing.”

“You know you can tell me everything, right?”

“Of course I know that.”

“So why didn’t you tell me when I asked what was going on through the mirror?”

“Because there was no need to, I was surviving James, that’s enough.” 

“No Sirius that isn’t enough, you don’t need to be surviving, you need to be alive. You need to be living your life, not crawling through it.”

“James, I know you are trying to help but drop it mate it’s alright I’m here I’m alright,” Sirius says, slightly annoyed.

James signs and grabs Sirius’ hand, “I’m not gonna force you to tell what they did but I wanna be here for you.”

Sirius looks at his hand and doesn’t know what to feel or do. All his instincts scream at him to get loose and run far away, but his heart wants to stay so badly. His heart wants to feel his best friend's warmth and his comfortable presence. “You are here for me Prongs. I just don’t wanna talk about it, but I'll be alright, don't worry.”

At that Peter and Remus walk in the department together laughing and the subject is dropped. Everything was normal and Sirius tried really hard to be himself again, mostly trying to remember who ‘being himself’ was. He got a few worried and confused looks from Remus, and Peter offered to take a walk together after they arrived (which Sirius nicely declined) but for the rest it was pretty normal. 

When they arrived at Hogwarts they all immediately went to the great hall to eat. Even though Sirius didn’t have much appetite for food, he wanted to try anyway. He always felt better after eating there. 

They all ate and talked, and Sirius felt like it was finally going better. 

“And so my cousin and I attacked our other cousin with snowballs-,” Peter said.

“The one who put salt in your milk?” Remus asked.

“Yeah that one! So of course he was crazy mad and he was preparing a whole fucking war for us-”

“Look, post is here!” James says.

Sirius looks up and sees the owl of his family flying above his head, dropping a letter in his lap. He unfolds it and takes a deep breath.

Sirius Orion Black,

We want to inform you that, after what your mother saw in your head, you are not  going to talk to this Lupin boy anymore. You are not allowed to talk to him, you are not allowed to see him, and we are gonna remove you from all his classes in a week. Narcissa, Bellatrix and Regulus have been told about your situation and got the task to keep you away from him. If you don’t do that, they have to report it back to us. 

You will pay for what you did, Sirius. Punishments are already waiting for you when you come back this summer.

Orion Black

Walburga Black

“Sirius? Are you alright?” James asks.

Sirius stands up with the letter in his shaking hands. He looks right at the Slytherin table, right at his family.

Remus asks, “Padfoot, what’s going on?” 

He turns around again and meets Moony his eyes. 

“Sorry,” Sirius says and he starts to run. He spurts to the closest toilet and pukes in it. If you wanna view it poetically, it’s like he threw up all the spinning thoughts that ran through his head. He is coughing and tears are rolling down his face. Just when Sirius thought he escaped his mother by being away from his house, she comes right at him again when he is in his safe space, when he thought he finally had control. Sirius hates the fact that his mother has his whole life in the palm of her hand.

 If people get one wish most will say that they want money or forever having good health, but Sirius would say freedom. All he ever wanted was freedom, but he can’t and never will because sadly he is born in the Black family. The family where his fate was already decided before he was even born. Who was he even kidding? He never had control, his mother only made him think he had. 

That night Sirius doesn’t go to his bed. He tries to, but everytime he falls asleep he has the same nightmare. The nightmare is situated in his house, the room where he wished he would die instead of having to recover from the grib his mother has on him. Remus is standing in the corner and Sirius runs to him. They hug, but the hug means more. It means everything to a person who has nothing, not truthly. His mother walks in the room and sees them, she fires curses out on Sirius, and he screams for help. But Remus isn’t there anymore, instead there are only Narcissa, Bellatrix and Regulus. Sirius screams their names from the top of his lungs, aching for help. But they stand there, acting like they don’t even see him.

So, Sirius silently goes to James’ bed. 

“Hey, are you okay?” He asks gently.

“Just a nightmare. Could I sleep here?”

“Of course Pads.” 

Sirius falls asleep to the sound of steady breaths and comfortable warmth, and the nightmare does not return.